Three weeks into the 2014 NFL season, warrior/poet/philosopher* and resident head football coach Mike Zimmer, aka Zim Tzu, is really starting to come into his own as a man of the people**.
*I can't stress enough how much that I have no idea on whether he's any of those three things or not
**I don't know whether he's that yet, either. But he seems to still be pretty popular with the fans, near as I can tell.
We're a little late with Zim Tzu this week, and for that, my apologies. What's that? You don't know what Zim Tzu is? Oh, well then...Zim Tzu is a philosophy*, an ethos**, a way to live your life and become one with the football universe***.
Zim Tzu drops knowledge bombs that explode in your head, and help you to realize what total consciousness is, or may be someday.**** So sit back, grab a cup of empty knowledge, and let Zim Tzu fill it to the brim. What Zim Tzu actually said (well, parts of it, not the whole thing) from the weekly press conference will be in blockquotes, and my interpretations on the true meaning and how it affects the code of Bushido will follow. Yes, I understand that Sun Tzu was Chinese, and the Bushido code is Japanese. I don't care. But keep in mind that neither does Zim Tzu.
*It's really not that at all
**Nope, not that, either
***LOL it's just football, man. Nothing more, nothing less. If your life meaning is wrapped around football, Jack you got issues.
****It's nothing more than me being a jackass on a blog. Something most of you are quite familiar with. Enjoy the parody.
Zim Tzu speaks: After reviewing the tape, I was disappointed in the way we started, especially defensively. It's hard to overcome a start like that, especially against a good team on the road.
Zim Tzu means: Wait...guys guys GUYS--you know what he DIDN'T say? He didn't say he 'saw some good things' after those first two drives. WOO HOO! This is what we call substantial progress, kids. We now return you to your regularly scheduled Zim Tzu.
Zim Tzu speaks: We did settle down in there, and I thought at times played well. We're still not doing enough smart things to win football games. That's disappointing because I believe in this football team. We do too many good things, right, to be doing some of the things we do, but we're not good enough to get away with it. It's a good learning experience in that way. We're going to keep grinding and go from there.
Zim Tzu means: The whole secret lies in confusing the enemy, so that he cannot fathom our real intent. That said, we did a pretty good job of confusing ourselves, and we had no idea what our own intent was, unless we thought it was a good plan to give up eight yards a rush on average the first two drives. We couldn't find our ass with both hands and a map on those first two drives, but I've given them the map, repeatedly. We're getting there, we just need a couple more land navigation courses. And when we do get there, look out Jack.
A question for Zim Tzu: He was asked a combination of injury questions about Matt Cassel, Brandon Fusco, Chad Greenway, and Kyle Rudolph, and then asked if he felt there was enough depth to deal with those injuries.
Zim Tzu speaks: I think that you never plan on having as many injuries as we have. We're not going to make excuses about it. I still believe that the best team, the guys that play together, play the hardest, and make the fewest mistakes will win. Part of our expectation level is the guy that comes in, has to come in and perform like he's supposed to. Our expectation level doesn't change because of injuries.
Zim Tzu means: Appear weak when you are strong, and strong when you are weak. All that aside, this blows, man. Blows major league ass. Vlad Ducasse, actually, makes us appear weak when we actually, you know, are weak in that area. Tight end might be okay, and I think Gerald Hodges might step in and be an anti-Ducasse, if nothing else. As for the QB slot? It's TEDDY TIME YO AND THAT IS STRONG AS FORGED STEEL FOR REINFORCED SKINNY KNEES, BABY!! ESS--TEE--ARE--OH--ENN--GEE STRONG.
A question for Zim Tzu: What were your impressions of Gerald Hodges and the reps he got?
Zim Tzu speaks: I thought he did some good things. He got most of the reps in practice this week, so he did some good things. We have got to continue to get him going. He's got a lot of athletic ability. I need to make sure he stays on his P's and Q's as far as being disciplined and doing the right thing every play.
Zim Tzu means: Even the finest sword plunged into salt water will eventually rust. So if he's a sword, consider me the blacksmith, the forge, and the hammer, baby.
A question for Zim Tzu: After watching the tape is there anything new you saw on film from Teddy Bridgewater?
Zim Tzu says: Not really. I think he extended plays with his feet. I was very impressed with his composure. He made some great throws. He threw a nice throw to Cordarrelle (Patterson) on the sideline. He made a great throw to (Greg) Jennings to get us into field position, there. He checked the ball to (Matt) Asiata one time. He did some real good things and extended some plays. He had a couple of good scrambles. I think his mobility will maybe keep some defenses honest a little bit. We have just got to keep going forward with him.
Zim Tzu means: Build your opponent a golden bridge to retreat across. That said, we shall build a golden armed Bridgewater QB to a Super Bowl. Suck it, haters.
A question for Zim Tzu: How important is it to have a good running game with a rookie quarterback?
Zim Tzu speaks: We're looking at everything. We have to figure out ways to be a little bit more explosive in the running game. That may be by setting it up with the pass. It's things that Norv (Turner) and I have already talked about quite a bit this morning and we'll continue to go. Part of our job as coaches is to evaluate our personnel, evaluate their personnel and then kind of figure out how can we do things to help the guys that we have. Sometimes it's personnel, sometimes it's plays, sometimes it's just trying to get the other team in certain situations.
Zim Tzu means: Pretend inferiority and encourage his arrogance. In this case, though, we're really not pretending. We Don't have a lot of ability in Matt Asiata or experience in Jerick McKinnon, but we need to figure something out. I've been up one side of NORV! and down the other, and we'll do whatever we can to get the running game going. When Matt Asiata runs like he'a wearing cement blocks, getting Jerick McKinnon to the edge seems like something we should do. But maybe we'll run Asiata on the edge and McKinnon between the tackles, because that's the last thing they would expect.
A question for Zim Tzu: Do you have any concerns about the offensive line with run blocking or pass protection issues?
Zim Tzu says: We don't want to get the quarterback hit. We got him a few times, so we've got to do a better job there. I don't think it's any secret, I'm not saying anything to you that I haven't said to our football team in areas that we have to get better at, and that's part of it too. I think Teddy extended some plays with his feet. There was a couple of times that we were too aggressive in the offensive line and it cost us a little bit. The Saints changed some things up, too. That happens every week.
Zim Tzu means: If your opponent is of choleric temperament, seek to irritate him. And speaking of cholera, if Teddy Bridgewater gets hurt and Christian Ponder has to play, the Vikings offense will become a Cholera-Ebola mashup while simultaneously giving you Irritable Bowel Syndrome. We have to protect Bridgewater like Fort Knox protects gold, son. You picking up what I'm throwing down?
A question for Zim Tzu: What has been the biggest problem for Matt Kalil through three games?
Zim Tzu says: He allows one play to affect the second play, sometimes. He needs to be like a cornerback sometimes - have a little short memory, forget it, let's go.
Zim Tzu means: He's sucked. Unless you're Paul Allen.