HEY, YOU--THIS HAS BAD WORDS--Ted
When you're a warrior poet*, visionary**, and 21st Century Renaissance Man***, you walk around town knowing you're smarter than the guy next to you. That stupid sumbitch that just walked in to the vet's office with a cat?
*You're probably not a warrior poet. Just because you type that into your social media profile doesn't make it so.
**If you were a visionary, you wouldn't be reading this. Nice try.
***That's a complete oxymoron. Now you're looking up 'oxymoron', which definitely excludes you from the 'warrior poet' and 'visionary' categories in your personal bio. Seriously, go delete them now.
Idiot. Cats. Cats are stupid. Guys don't like cats.*
*I have a cat. He's kind of cool, actually.
Old boy down the street that drives a scooter back and forth to work? LOL, when you drive past him in the morning, you secretly pass a death sentence on him for being anything but a man, yet because emotions are only a theory to you, and only used by the weak and feeble, you allow him to live, and you do not steer your massive American made pick up truck over him. Real men never ride a scooter. Ever.*
*Unless you're on vacation in Key West. And drinking. Allegedly. Then WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Why? Because your will, your desire, your 'want to', far surpasses anyone else that has ever walked the planet*, because you are ZimTzu, warrior poet**, and head football coach for the Minnesota Vikings.***
*I'm pretty sure that by reading this post or anything else I've ever written, your want to has actually been exceeded by most everyone else on the planet.
**I can't stress enough how much you are not a warrior poet. Unless you've written poetry. And been in combat. Then you are. But that probably excludes you. No, Halo and limericks don't count.
***You are most definitely not the head coach of the Minnesota Vikings. Unless you're Mike Zimmer. If you are Mike Zimmer, though...HOLY CRAP MIKE ZIMMER IS READING THIS WOOOOOOOOOO...hope you enjoy it coach. Also, start Diggs, my man.
You move mountains with your mind. You defeat opposing football teams before they even take the field. When you go fishing, walleye just jump in your boat and say 'you win', because they know that eventually, you will win.
And when you speak, the language you speak in and the words you use are at a level that mere mortal men cannot interpret. When Zim Tzu speaks, clues into the true meaning of words are dropped, but not given out, no sir. Because if Zim Tzu can will a team to a win over an inferior football team with just his mind, then by God you can put forth a little effort to seek the true meaning of what's being said.
That's where we come in. Much like Zim Tzu himself, we have willed ourselves to understand the ways of Zim Tzu*, the nuance of his language,**and the wisdom of his words.***
*We've done no such thing. I could barely motivate myself to get out of bed this morning.
**There's no nuance to the English language, at least in this post. We're about as nuanced as I before E except after C, or whatever the hell that damn rule is.
***There is no wisdom here. It's toilet humor, fart jokes, and the inner rantings of a guy that has the mental capacity of a teenager. It's a blessing and a curse.
As always, we take part of Mike Zimmer's Monday press conference and set you on a path of football righteousness*, buoyed with more heart and desire to conquer the world than you have ever felt before**. What Zim Tzu actually said is in quotes, and what he really meant is interpreted immediately below.***
*I have no idea what that means.
**If this motivates you to go out and conquer the world...you are ripe for exploitation from a televangelist, telephone scam artist, or a roving band of gypsies. Do not leave your house, answer your phone, or interact with an other human being until you get serious mental help.
***If you haven't figured out this is parody, re-read the paragraph immediately preceding this one.
What Zim Tzu said: I think yesterday there was a lot of good things that happened, number one winning obviously. With all of these games in the NFL coming down to a seven-point game, a three-point game, coming down to the wire, there were some great situations for our team to learn about that I think will be big factors as we continue on throughout the season. Hitting a 3rd-and-15, 4th-and-1 conversion offensively, a 4th-and-1 stop defensively inside the 10-yard line, them throwing four incomplete passes in the two-minute drill when they had a chance to come back and win the game. The more these things occur in the course of the ballgame, the more we get a chance to learn to be in these positions when it matters, continues to matter, that we have some things to draw back on. I think it was a good team win. Obviously there's a lot of things we need to correct and get better at, but we had a lot of young guys step up and play well.
What Zim Tzu meant: Scared you, didn't we? Come on, show of hands if you thought we were gonna lose that game 17-16. I know you're out there, that's cool. BUT WE DIDN'T LOSE DID WE BOOYA BITCHES. We made just enough plays to win, and that's all that matters. This is a game that in past years we WOULD have lost, but things are different now. Get used to winning pretty, winning ugly, and just plain winning. Fuckers.
Q: When you have a close game like that at home, is that something you can build on and transfer when you go out on the road these next couple of games?
What Zim Tzu said: I hope so. We had some of those situations in Denver the week before and so now we get into these situations and your guys don't panic. They've been through it now two weeks in a row. Hopefully we'll have more to build on and guys will continue to play good in these situations. It's so important, these critical situations of the ballgame. That 4th-and-1 inside the 10 was a huge play and that 3rd-and-15 was a huge play. Captain [Munnerlyn] made a couple really good plays at the end of the ballgame there in the two-minute drill. Those are all good deals.
What Zim Tzu meant: It fuckin' better. Look, the NFL is a business where the difference between going into the Hall of Fame or going into the unemployment line is razor thin. Ask Captain Munnerlyn, because last year he played like he was homeless--just wandering the secondary wherever the fuck he wanted, asking for a burger as receivers just walked by him, never showering--it was kind of sad. This year, he's O CAPTAIN MY CAPTAIN, and he's awesome.
Q: When it's a 4th and 1 for the offense or defense, is it the play call, the scheme or is a lot of it just will?
What Zim Tzu said: Little bit of will, sometimes it's scheme. It's mentality a lot of it I think. That's kind of what I'm trying to get our guys to understand in those situations too. I talked to them a lot and the mentality has to change. It's not just 1st-and-10 on the 20-yard line now. This is a big play in the ballgame and if we decide to go for it offensively or we have to stop them on defense, it's critical.
What Zim Tzu meant: My will, and my balls of steel. Which are so fuckin' big I need to carry them around in a wheelbarrow. As a matter of fact, the next time we have a 4th and one, I'm going to call a time out, and I'm going to walk over to the defense's huddle. I'm gonna look each one of those pansies in the eye, and I'm gonna tell 'em "the next play is a handoff off the right tackle, and not only are we going to get the first down, we're going to score a touchdown. And you can't stop us. And then, after the game, I'm going to have sex with each one of your mothers. Because I can. Suck it, bitches."
Q: What are some of the things this team has to be better at to win on the road?
What Zim Tzu said: Probably start fast would be a good one. I think we've started fast at home pretty good. I think if we will continue to start fast, I think that helps. But again, handling the crowd noise, making sure we don't turn the ball over. We've got to protect the quarterback better than what we've done on the road, those will all be big things. We haven't had hardly any sacks at home, but we've had several on the road.
What Zim Tzu meant: We need to score more points than the other team. Except in Chicago. I think we'll need a voodoo witch doctor to do some kind of curse removal pre-game dance or something. Chicago sucks.
Q: What have you seen from Stefon Diggs and how hard he works in practice? How big of a role is that playing in his recent success?
What Zim Tzu said: He works really hard and he runs good routes, he catches the ball good, he's competitive, he really wants to be good and so I think that's why he works so hard at it. And he's talented as well.
What Zim Tzu meant: WOOOOOOOOO DIGGS GONNA BE HUUUUUUUGE BABY WOOOOOOOOOOOO
Q: Do you see Diggs remaining as your starter or do you stick to the philosophy that you don't lose your starting job due to injury?
What Zim Tzu said: You don't lose your starting job because of injury, but you lose your starting job because of performance. But no, I have not decided that yet.
What Zim Tzu meant: Charles Johnson has a rib injury that will hamper him for the rest of the year. Charles doesn't know this yet, but he does. Or Cordarrelle Patterson has an injury that will prevent him from suiting up. Again, he is also unaware of that injury at the moment. Allegedly.
Q: It seems the running game and defense have been carrying this team so far. Are you okay with Teddy Bridgewater going out there and winning you a game when the time comes?
What Zim Tzu said: Yeah, number one, I think if it gets into that situation where he needs to go win the game, I do think he will. Does he need to do better and keep improving and keep going forward? Yes. There were several areas offensively that we probably needed to do better than we did yesterday. But they came out and they had a lot of run blitzes especially early in the ballgame. They brought the safety off the edge and used some line games to try to affect our running game. We probably didn't react well enough to it early in the ballgame.
What Zim Tzu meant: Yes. Yes I am. I am worried the offensive line will get him murdered at some point this season. But me and Teddy? We're good.
Q: Last week you complimented Kyle Rudolph on his blocking abilities, do you think it was nice to take a little pressure off and get him a touchdown reception?
What Zim Tzu said: Yeah, it was good. I actually talked to him last week and I said, ‘Hey, I understand that you're helping a little bit more in the blocking parts of things,' and I said, ‘You never know when it's going to be your day.' Yesterday he caught two or three balls, one obviously for a touchdown. To me, those are all important things about being a team, doing what you can do to help this team win and you never know when it's going to be your time. [Stefon] Diggs had a bunch of catches yesterday, maybe next week he doesn't get any and someone else gets them. I'm all for that, I'm not into all of the statistics, sure I'd love to have 10 sacks a game, but I know it's not going to happen. I don't worry about it. I worry about how we perform.
What Zim Tzu meant: I was trying to find something, anything, in Kyle's game to praise, because he did a better job falling off the face of the earth than DB Cooper did back in the day. I figured I'd throw the kid a bone and tell him he's doing SOMETHING to justify that huge contract extension, and lo and behold he catches a touchdown. He was so happy he was going to get another sleeve tattoo. Hell, he can afford it. But I still need a blocking tight end. Anyone got Jim Kleinsasser's number?