HEY...YOU WITH THE HAT ON BACKWARDS WEARING THAT STUPID NORTH DAKOTA HOCKEY JERSEY, BAD WORDS FOLLOW AND THIS ISN'T GOING TO BE POLITCALLY CORRECT, LIKE YOUR STUPID SOON TO BE NEW MASCOT NAME, WHIOUX FAN--Ted
Philosophers and those in academia generally deal in theory. They throw out an idea, talk about it, and try to determine, with hard and diligent analysis and data, whether or not their theory can work in the practical world.
Warrior poets who are also football coaches don't have time for hypotheses, control groups, and dissertations, no sir. They have real life to fall back on*, not some goddamn book in some goddamn library**, and they don't have any goddamn time to defend a goddamn dissertation*** in front of a bunch of pencil necks in some goddamn tweed coats.
/puts in some Red Man chewing tobacco
/chomps down, spits
/immediately gets sick for a week
*Education is still the most important thing going, though. Enjoy it, because real life kinda sucks compared to college
**I really enjoy reading, actually
***I didn't have to defend a dissertation, but I had to do a graduate research project to get my Master's. That sucked balls
And nothing makes the warrior poet football coach happier than when he can look at the so called experts and say 'fuck you', because book learnin' only take you so far. The rest? You need to get your hands dirty*, break a sweat**, and bend people to your will.***
*Not sure if Mike Zimmer's hands literally get dirty dealing with paper, electronic notebooks, and artificial turf during the course of a typical day
**He's probably actually more worried about staying warm this time of the year. Unless he's inside and the heat is set at something silly, like 78 or so
***I have no idea if he bends people to his will. If I had to guess, I would say yes
So it was a somewhat content Mike Zimmer that took to the podium today for his weekly knowledge dump we call Zim Tzu. What is Zim Tzu, you ask? Zim Tzu is a form of communication,* an ethos,**, and a way to make people around you better.***
By speaking in carefully thought out phrases* that have hidden clues amongst subterfuge and deception,** only then can we determine the true meaning of what Mike Zimmer actually meant.***
*It's just me swearing a lot, which is kind of fun sometimes.
**I have no idea what anyone means when they talk about anything, much less Mike Zimmer talking about football. I can't stress how much of a moron I truly am.
***This is just something to try and get you to laugh, and totally made up. 100% fake. Like Kardashian emotions.This will not make you, in any way, a better person. Literally not at all.
As we always do, we take excerpts of Mike Zimmer's weekly press conference and interpret them.* What Zimmer said is in quotes, and what he actually meant is deciphered** by me immediately below.
*Again, there is no interpretation involved at all. I'm lucky if I can piece two sentences together and make them coherent.
**Look, my lawyer says spell it out, because there are people out there that are so dense that light cannot escape a room they might be sharing: I am making this all up. I can't read minds, because if I could, I'd be like a super villain or something. I'd at least have keys to the Playboy Mansion. That would be sweet.
What Zim Tzu said: Ok, good afternoon. Before I forget, I know everybody has been asking a lot about John Sullivan. He had a relapse about 10 days ago in the weight room, so he had another procedure done on his back, so we don't know when he'll be back or if he'll be back. As far as the football game yesterday, I think our guys showed a lot of resiliency on getting down 14-3. I think there was a lot of things that we can do better. Obviously we've got to get better in the red zone, we can't give up big plays defensively, we didn't handle some things good in the running game, but there was also some good things. We scored on six of the first seven drives offensively. I thought we did a nice job in the two minute situation; we were able to go down and score and then come back in the first part of the third quarter, we got the ball back and scored again. The guys kept fighting. So another good learning experience for us to be able to go on the road against a good division team. We fought our way out of a hole. These are all things that are important to me and this football team. Questions?
What Zim Tzu meant: Yeah, hey we played pretty good, big come from behind win, great experience for our team but we can do better. Oh yeah, and uh COUGHHACKCOUGHJohnSullivanWillBeOutAllYearCOUGHCOUGHHACK. Fuck, excuse me, got a frog in my throat or something. I hate Frogs.
Q: How disappointing was the John Sullivan news?
What Zim Tzu said: It was disappointing and he was doing really, really good and then all of a sudden, he had a little mishap, so he had to have another deal done.
What Zim Tzu meant: Oh, you guys caught that? Damn it. Yeah. Fucking sucks, no two ways about it. Fuck.
Q: What do you think the chances are he will be back this year?
What Zim Tzu said: Probably minimal. Tweet that. You guys are tweeting faster than I'm talking.
What Zim Tzu meant: He isn't. Put that in your fuckin' pipe and tweet it.
Q: Are those play-action passes a way to counter when teams are throwing run blitzes at you like the past few weeks?
What Zim Tzu said: Yeah, and the biggest thing is that these teams that keep wanting to load up to stop our running game, they say, "Hey, we're going to make Teddy [Bridgewater] beat you," but they keep going and then all of a sudden Adrian [Peterson] will have a 15-yard run, then a 20-yard run, then a 75-yard run because if they keep gambling to stop the run, those things are going to happen and then consequently, those things are going to happen and you're going to be left out. A good example of what happened in the ballgame - we were throwing the ball pretty good and then they say, "We have to change the coverage up. We're going to get into a 2-deep look." That's when Adrian had his 75-yard run. It's always a big cat-and-mouse game every week. The guys that I've been around - coaches and programs - know that you might get two and you might get one and you might get three, and then all of a sudden you might get 40. So you've just got to stay with it. You have to be determined and that's something that Norv [Turner] does very well, mixing the play-actions with it. We have to eliminate the negative runs; we've got to get rid of those, but I'm pretty stubborn and we're pretty stubborn about that.
What Zim Tzu meant: Yeah, you fuckin' bet. Look, we're gonna use Adrian Peterson like a damn battering ram, and we're going to run on first down EVERY GODDAMN TIME, and we're just setting you up for play action...WHICH WE ACTUALLY DID IN THE SECOND HALF AND IT WAS LIKE A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE IN OCTOBER AND IT WAS GLORIOUS LIKE THAT STEFON DIGGS TD CATCH WOOOOOOOO. Then the Lions go in a cover 2 and boom, AP goes for 75. Because fuck you, that's why. Stupid Lions.
Q: You hit Matthew Stafford a lot yesterday. Did you add a lot of new wrinkles compared to when you played them the first time or was their offensive line just not executing well?
What Zim Tzu said: A little new stuff. Yeah, we always have a little new stuff.
What Zim Tzu meant: Yeah on Wednesday we installed the 'Let's Go Untouched To The Quarterback' blitz, and it worked pretty good. We'll look to use that more.
Q: Is that a credit to your guys selling the fake on those kind of plays?
What Zim Tzu said: It's a credit to our guys being able to execute exactly what we're trying to get done. Since I've been here - and I'm trying not to go back - but since I've been here, the one thing that I've been impressed with these guys, throughout the whole football team, but especially defensively is we have been able to move along at a little faster pace because of the intelligence that we have with our guys on defense. So some of the more complicated things that we do seem to be fairly easy for them.
What Zim Tzu meant: Look, we're not stupid. We've got a bunch of NFL Einsteins on this team, and we're developing some shit that will blow...your...mind. It's like the Lockheed Skunk Works all up in here, and when we execute, quarterbacks die, because we come in like the Stealth bomber, blow your shit up, then go have sex with your mom. Because chicks dig pilots, man. That's why. My call sign is 'SuckIt'.
Q: Are you on the pace you initially intended with your defense almost halfway through your second season?
What Zim Tzu said: I don't know, I haven't really thought about all that. I just go in each week. I don't get caught up in the stats or anything like that. I usually tell the players don't even look at them until Thanksgiving. I figure after about 11 weeks, you kind of know who you are and where you're at. But I've had defenses that have been very, very good and played bad the last four or five games. And I've had defenses that have been bad at the beginning of the year - that San Francisco game was not one of my most memorable [moments] - and have been able to fight back and continue to get better. It's all about a long marathon and we'll just keep going where we go.
What Zim Tzu meant: I still can't fuckin' believe we lost to San Francisco. That game was a clown show.
Q: Who stood out to you on that goal line stand yesterday?
What Zim Tzu said: Audie Cole did a great job. He knocked the fullback back pretty good on one of them. Linval Joseph powered the guard on one of them. Our guys in the middle there I thought did a really nice job.
What Zim Tzu meant: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO AUDIE COLE WOOOOOOOOOOOOO GERALD WHO???
You seem to use previous records or nay-sayers as motivation what's your thought process behind that?
What Zim Tzu said: I was hoping you'd bring that up.
What Zim Tzu meant:
Q: What's the point of saying stuff like ‘they don't believe in us'?
What Zim Tzu said: I like proving people wrong. People have doubted me for a long, long time. I hope they keep doubting our football team, because that's the mentality I'm trying to get them, say what you want and let's go prove it.
What Zim Tzu meant: No one thought I could be a head coach. No one thinks this team can win. I can fuckin' coach, and this team can fuckin' win. But keep doubting us. Pretty please I beg you, keep doubting us. Because we'll have the last laugh. Fuckers.