Hi kids. You're probably expecting Eric here, as this is his normal piece. But Eric became a Dad for the second time over this week, and he has decided to put his family ahead of his blogging.
So selfish, but what can we do?
Congratulations, because here you are, stuck with me and my woefully incompetent preview picks. I mean terrible, horrible, no good preview picks. So please, keep this in mind when I roll out my expansive incompetence on picking winners.
But at least Eric is taking the bye week off, so you don't have to worry about me jinxing the Vikings. Speaking of bye weeks, I hate them. Like viscerally hate them. Bye weeks are about as functional as a male nipple, and as appealing as a root canal with no Novocaine. It's the Sunday where I usually catch up on my 'to do' list, which is now a couple of miles long, so at least the bye week comes early.
Or, and this is heinous to even contemplate, it's the one Sunday where I have to go do something my wife wants me to do, like going to an antique store. God, I hate antique stores. You just see the crushed souls of married men wandering aimlessly there, trying in vain to find something that's even remotely interesting, looking at each other in shame while carrying their wife's purse. It's like a football fan's purgatory, an existence somewhere between living and dead, but a lot closer to dead. Any conversation your wife tries to start with you goes in one ear and out the other, because you've piled three pieces of furniture on top of each other, trying in vain to find a free wifi signal so you can watch Sunday Ticket on your phone.
You finally give up and stream live video over the air. Yeah, you'll blow past your monthly data plan in 20 minutes, but at that moment, you'd pay a million dollars to be able to watch football, any football...even the damn Jaguars.
And you'd pay twice that to get back your self respect and dignity.
Then the nightmare scenario hits: you come across a guy that is actually enjoying his Sunday at the antique store, and actively participating in a conversation with his wife about some stupid 19th century chiffarobe, and where it might work in the house. You hate that sumbitch, and you've never even met him. Why? Because he's 'that guy'. 'That guy' never watches sports. 'That guy' watches The Food Network and DIY Network every night with his wife, and they pick out who they think will win 'Chopped' when the contestants are first introduced. 'That guy' sucks, 'that guy' is everything that's wrong with America, and 'that guy' is the reason your wife starts getting on you about week 13 about watching football.
"You know what Doris' husband does on Sunday? He massages his wife's feet, makes dinner, and then they go antique shopping. And he LIKES Property Brothers, and he doesn't make fun of Giada's grossly disproportionate forehead. And he's never asked 'who has the bigger receding hairline, Giada or Helen Hunt? Why can't you be more like Doris' husband?"
"Can I help it that Doris' husband is about as masculine as a Justin Bieber crowd? NO I CANNOT. NOW LEAVE ME TO MY FOOTBALL WOMAN."
So to appease her, you promise that once the season is over you'll do some weekend thing that's all focused on her, and it will be terrible, and you resign yourself to the fact that you'll miss either wildcard weekend or the divisional playoff weekend. Because you'll be at some goddamn bed and breakfast with no TV or Internet, in the middle of nowhere, antiquing, or going to some local art festival, full of hippies and communists.
All because of 'that guy.' So yeah, bye week picks coming up. Take my advice with a grain of salt. But that antique shop info is 100% legit, my man. Home team in caps.
Colts over TEXANS
I like Matt Hasselbeck and the Colts here. But look for Andre Johnson and DeAndre Hopkins to have huge games.
CHIEFS over Bears
Kansas City has passed a law that says Alex Smith can't complete passes to wide receivers. That's okay, because the Bears defense can't stop anyone who carries the football. Jay Cutler looked serviceable, but his crybaby face will make several cameos, making us all winners. Chiefs pull this out at home.
BENGALS over Seahawks
The Lions almost beat Seattle at Qwest Field, and the only game that the Seahawks have looked good in was their home game against the Jimmy Clausen version of the Bears. Bengals are playing well, and...this seems weird to write...Andy Dalton is playing lights out. I'll take Cincy in this one.
FALCONS over Redskins
the Falcons might be the best team in the NFC after four games. The Redskins definitely are not the best team in the NFC after four games. Kirk Cousins, at some point, is gonna Kirk Cousins. And Julio Jones is going to shred the RGIII led secondary. What's that? He's a safety...on the scout team? Oh. Yeah, 'Skins lose bad.
Jaguars over BUCCANEERS
LOL I so don't care. I just want Jameis Winston to have more pick sixes than actual TD throws by the end of the season.
EAGLES over Saints
By this time next year I fully expect to see Chip Kelly back in college, but I think he schools the Saints Sunday, and DeMarco Murray has a big day. BECAUSE I PICKED MURRAY IN THE FIRST ROUND FOR MY FANTASY TEAM AND YOU NEED TO START PRODUCING, MAN.
RAVENS over Browns
How will the Browns lose this week? I think they'll be tied with only two seconds left on the clock. They'll line up for a game winning field goal, and it'll be a chip shot, like 25 yards. The snap will sail over the holder's head by about 20 yards, and someone from Baltimore will scoop it up and score. That someone will be Joe Flacco. Because Joe Flacco is not an elite quarterback, but he is an elite special teams player.
PACKERS over Rams
I'll be cheering hard for the Rams, but yeah, they'll get killed. At least I have Aaron Rodgers as my fantasy QB. Bastards. I hate the Packers. So much.
TITANS over Bills
Hey, remember when Tyrod Taylor was the Next Big Thing? He kind of crashed and burned last week, and this week people will all be like 'what did we ever see in Tyrod Taylor?' But on the other side, Marcus Mariota seems like the real deal.
Cardinals over LIONS
The Lions have reverted back to the LOLions, and are on pace for 11 or 12 losses. And the Cardinals are legit, probably the third best team in the NFC behind Atlanta and Green Bay.
PATRIOTS over Cowboys
If Tony Romo and Dez Bryant were playing, I'd like the Cowboys at home. But Brandon Weeden is the Cowboys starting quarterback. Brandon. Weeden. Against a Bill Belichick defense. The Cowboys have no shot. I say again---Brandon...Weeden.
RAIDERS over Broncos
So this is my upset special. Peyton Manning hasn't played well, yet they've found a way to win. I think the Raiders pull it out at home.
GIANTS over 49ers
I still can't believe the Vikings lost to San Francisco. Fuckers.
Steelers over CHARGERS
The Steelers offense is going to pile up some yards and points in SoCal, and Philip Rivers and company won't be able to keep up.
Enjoy your bye week, kids.