HEY: This has bad words. Like a lot of them. Like don't use this as a Sunday School lesson plan. Unless your Sunday School is in a maximum security prison. Ted
History is replete with winners and losers, victors and vanquished, conquerors and conquered. And when you are a warrior poet of consequence, you are a winner, victor, and conqueror.
Because you are Zim Tzu, First Of His Name, Lord Of The Iron Range And Twin Cities, Vanquisher of the Raider Tribe, Hunter of the Ram, Slayer Of Bears In Their Den, Eradicator Of Lions, Conqueror Of Chiefs, Controller Of Electricity, and Warden Of The North.
You are the danger. And when you speak to your people*, you speak at a level that the proletariat** cannot comprehend.***
*He's really not a ruler, or even some conquering general. But if he wins a Super Bowl, he gets a fucking statue. That is non-negotiable. And if Doug Mann sues over that, that guy gets deported to fucking Wisconsin. For eternity.
**You don't even know what proletariat means, do you? Go eat some cake.
***It's actually pretty straight forward. Nothing cosmic here. By the way, how was the cake?
When you win at the level Zim Tzu does, the words of wisdom dispensed are like gold bars, but more valuable than any currency.* You cannot buy things with gold bars, though, can you? No, you need a bank.** A bank to convert those gold bars into cash, something you can use to make your mundane, every day life better.***
*I can't emphasize enough how this has absolutely no cash value attached to it in any way, shape or form.
**But it would be bitchin' to drop a gold bar down at the car dealer's desk and say 'F-150, fully loaded, now. And get me a goddamn cup of coffee while you're at it. With cream AND fucking sugar.'
***If this column makes your life better, I would suggest you get a new life, because Jack, you lost life's lottery. Re-invent yourself. Join the Peace Corps, the French Foreign Legion, maybe become a mercenary. But whatever you do, quit doing what you're doing now, because your life suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks, man.
And that's where we come in.* Call me
Ishmael Mr. Moneybags, the guy that take the language of Zim Tzu and converts it into something far more valuable than cash.** You get lessons in life, love, and football. And fucking winning***
*Wait, maybe you shouldn't do something radical like joining the French Foreign Legion or some merc outfit. That shit's dangerous. Although merc money is pretty solid...
**Look, I'm not kidding here--you get no money from me, The Daily Norseman, or SB Nation by reading this and trying to convert this into some way of life. You'll probably end up getting slapped by your spouse for your potty mouth, and disciplined by your boss for reading this...ridiculous...shit...on company time.
***You receiver no lessons. In anything. I can't emphasize enough that this is nothing but shit that spews from my brain like mental diarrhea, polluting your brain, and for that I'm truly sorry. But you're reading this of your own free will, so yeah, who's the moron? At least it's scent free. You're welcome. Anyhoooo, I'm making it all up, every word...except, you know, where Mike Zimmer is quoted in his weekly press conference. But hey, it costs nothing to read this, and you don't have a monthly subscription fee. So yeah, you're getting what you paid for. Which, again, is NOTHING. What Mike Zimmer actually said is in quotes, and my made up mental disorder interpretation immediately follows.
What Zim Tzu said: After watching the tape from yesterday's game, I thought it was a really good team victory. I thought we played well in all phases, all three phases - not all the time obviously - but a large majority of the time. I thought we continued to finish games well, played tough in the critical situations of the game and I think we're doing some good things. We've got a lot of things we've got to get better at. I think defensively we've got to do a better job with some of our coverage concepts, techniques and fundamentals. Offensively were some hit and miss situations where we have some guys open and then we'll get beat in protection or guys are covered and we block it good, so we've got to do a better job there, keep eliminating these negative plays. And the special teams for the most part, we're doing a good job. We've got to do a better job in kickoff cover. We didn't do as well in that as we have been. And then obviously in the kicking game we've got to make the kicks and we didn't protect well on one of them, so still have got a lot of work to do, but this team works and they want to get better each day, so that's what we're going to try to do this week.
What Zim Tzu meant: HOW DO YOU LIKE US NOW CAKE EATERS? WE'RE WINNING ON OFFENSE, DEFENSE, AND SPECIAL TEAMS WOOOOOOOOOOO! Hell, my goddamn water boys can run laps around that joke of an H2O clown show you trot out on to the field during timeouts. Jesus, your guys are so dumb those squirt bottles are probably filled with goat piss and formaldehyde. Fucking dumbasses.
Q: Why did you give the players last Monday off but not this week?
What Zim Tzu said: Some days I do, some days I don't. I wanted to talk to them today.
What Zim Tzu meant: Days off are for the weak, and you can have a day off when the season is over. Winners don't take days off. Winners work. Fuckers.
Q: What did you tell the team?
What Zim Tzu said: I'll keep it between me and them.
What Zim Tzu meant: None of your fucking business.
Q: It seemed Teddy Bridgewater was holding onto the ball yesterday, was that because the receivers weren't open or was that on Teddy?
What Zim Tzu said: Well, I kind of disagree with you on that. I thought Teddy played very well yesterday. We had 59 plays on offense. There was 10 of them that he took what could have been really bad plays and made them into manageable plays. We did want to throw the ball down the field, so we had some maximum protection things in, which you're going to hold the ball a little bit longer. You also have less receivers in the routes, so if they get covered, there's less places to go, and if the protection breaks down and looks worse than what it was, but I didn't feel that.
What Zim Tzu meant: Go eat a dick, and then wash it down with some possum nutsack sweat, because there's nothing wrong with Teddy. You know why he held on to throws? Because like a typical Kardashian brain, there was nothing there a lot of times, so he didn't force the action. But unlike the Kardashians, the kid is fun to watch, and he knows what the fuck he's doing.
Q: Are you comfortable with him being careful running or would you like to see him run more?
What Zim Tzu said: Yeah, I think he's good. I think when it's wide open, I want him to run, but I still want him to be a quarterback and do what he needs to do. But he did make a couple great runs. The run that he made on 3rd and 13 or something like that, he made a 15-yard run, he juked two guys, stiff-armed one. No, I'm comfortable with how he's doing things.
What Zim Tzu meant: Yeah, as long as he isn't playing a Gregg Williams defense, that dirty cheap shot cocksucker. Teddy Two Legs, though, yo.
Q: When you signed Terence Newman in the offseason did you envision him having a game like this?
What Zim Tzu said: Not necessarily. When we signed him, I felt like he would be a very solid, dependable guy that knows how to play, that does a lot of good things. Sometimes throughout the course of the year, these kind of games pop up, but I didn't say, "Hey, he's going to get a two-interception day or almost three." But he's a great kid, he works really hard, he helps us in a number of ways.
What Zim Tzu meant: Oh, fuck no. Newman's 37, which is like 207 in dog and NFL cornerback years. But ol' Terence is one of my boys, and brings it every week. Just like everyone on this team. Because we don't come in peace, we come to fuck your world up.
Q: How were you able to shut down Amari Cooper in the second half?
What Zim Tzu said: He had that one catch that was kind of a jump ball in the first half, but I thought we did a decent job on him throughout the ballgame. You're always going to try to take care of the receivers when they have the talent like he does, so we did some things, but I don't think we went overboard with it.
What Zim Tzu meant: Second half? That sumbitch was as quiet as a nun's love life the whole game, except for that one LOLWTF cach jump ball in the first half, and that was only because we made the mistake of putting Andrew Sendejo on him, and Sendejo decided to head out into the bay and go check out an Alcatraz tour. A blind squirrel finds a nut every now and again, so we gave Cooper that one big catch. Thanks, Sendejo.
Q: At the beginning of the year, you stressed on molding this team into a certain identity that you wanted. Is this what you had in mind?
What Zim Tzu said: Some ways, yeah, but we've still got a long ways to go before it is really what I want it to be. I think we're developing toughness and smartness. I think we've developing a tough-minded attitude, all those things. I do think we're heading in the right direction that way, but I always want to be more dominating. There's a lot more to what I want.
What Zim Tzu meant: You guys ever see the movie Conan The Barbarian? It's a great fucking movie, you know why? Because Arnold Schwarzenegger, Max von Sydow, AND James Earl Jones are all in it, and it has probably the best quote of any movie anywhere ever. Conan is asked what is best in life, and he answers:
"Crush your enemies. See them driven before you. Hear the lamentations of their women."
Well, we're somewhere between crushing our enemies and driving them before us, but after we boatraced the Raiders Sunday, we're close to that, too. By Sunday night, we should be hearing a lot of goddamn squealing from the Packer women. And it's not because there's a fifth cheese filled brat for them left over to shovel down their disgusting piehole. So yeah, we're getting there.
Q: In a game with two teams at the top of the division, is there a trick to getting them in the right mindset?
What Zim Tzu said: I don't think so. I think it's more about understanding who we are, how we got here, what we have to do, how we have to continue to be. I understand the heightened part of this game. It's still about us and how we play.
What Zim Tzu meant: There better not be, as we haven't had an important game in these parts for the better part of three years. If they need some goddamn parlor trick from me to get up for this game, then they need to come see me and say 'coach, show me a trick.' And I'll tell them 'here's a trick. Keep living the six figure lifestyle on unemployment, because you've just been cut, bitch.' That's an impressive goddamn trick right there, ain't it? Penn and Teller would be like OH FUCK THAT'S SO AWESOME SHOW ME HOW YOU DID THAT, and I'd tell them to go pull a rabbit out of their ass. A good Zim Tzu does not reveal his secrets. Fuckers.
Q: As a defensive coach do you appreciate the challenge of going against great offensive players like Aaron Rodgers?
What Zim Tzu said: After I'm done playing them I do, I guess. The great players are always tough to defend. I wish he wasn't so great. Hey, I'm just being honest.
What Zim Tzu meant: Double discount fuck no, I don't. My life this week would be a hell of a lot easier if Scott Tolzien was starting. That mental giant couldn't even beat TCU in the Rose Bowl.
Q: Who was behind the "Beat Green Bay" t-shirts?
What Zim Tzu said: Me.
What Zim Tzu meant: Me.
Q: What prompted you to want to have the t-shirts made?
What Zim Tzu said: I don't know. We're making way too big of a deal out that, it's just a t-shirt. You can go down to the store and print them up. It's not a big deal.
What Zim Tzu meant: Fuck man, it's just a shirt. Chill. You want one or something? It's no big deal if you do, just quit bugging me about the fucking shirt. It really brings the uniform together.
Q: Are the big highlight hits from Harrison Smith a tone-setter for the defense?
What Zim Tzu said: Well it doesn't hurt, unless it's the receiver. We want our guys to be physical and give them a good shot but we're always trying to play fair and hitting them in the target zone. You know, Harrison's a big guy, and he's physical and tough, and he's going to get some of those shots. [Andrew] Sendejo does some of that as well. We have some big, physical, fast guys that we're always trying to hit them as hard as we can.
What Zim Tzu meant: YEAH BABY WHEN HARRY MET AMARI SHOULD BE A MOVIE BOOOOOOM!!!! If you come across the middle, your going to get more lit up than an Irishman that just won the fucking lottery. And Andrew, well...he'll fuck up his teammate, but he'll do it with 100% effort. Dumbass.
Q: Do you feel pleased with what you've seen from your team as they get ready for this home stretch?
What Zim Tzu said: I know we had the soft part of the schedule, the hard part of the schedule. We just try to go out and play every week and whoever we line up against, we just try to be better than them on that one Sunday. We were the worst 6-2 team there was a week ago. What was the terms they were saying? We were the least impressive 6-2 team? I can't worry about what other people think. I just worry about how my players play and the effort that they give, and if we're not impressive and we keep winning, more power to us.
What Zim Tzu meant: You know what they call the least impressive 6-2 team in the NFL? Tied for first in the NFC North. You know what they call the least impressive 7-2 team in the NFL? In first place all alone in the NFC North. So take your labels, glue them to a cactus, and shove them up your ass sideways. We're winning, because that's what we fucking do now, and that's what we're going to continue to fucking do. Deuces.