HEY--BAD WORDS AHEAD. DON'T READ THIS IF YOU DON'T LIKE PROFANITY--TED
When you are 5-2 you can pretty much say and do anything you want. When you're a 5-2 Warrior Poet and Renaissance Man, you can say and do even more.
Because you are Zim Tzu, First Of His Name, Lord Of The Iron Range And Twin Cities, Slayer Of Bears In Their Den, Eradicator Of Lions, Slayer Of Chiefs, Controller Of Electricity, and Warden Of The North.* People clear a path for you when you walk, pick up your tab at restaurants, and buy you a beer at your favorite watering hole.**
*That's not really his official title, although admittedly it would look badass on a resume.
**I have no idea if this actually happens, although I would buy him a beer. And admit it, you would too
And when your goal is The Iron Throne, you let nothing stand in your way. Because after yesterday, when the boogeyman goes to bed at night, he checks under his bed for Zim Tzu.
When you speak, men fear you, respect you, and want to learn from you. But you are Zim Tzu, First Of His Name, Lord Of The Iron Range And Twin Cities, Slayer Of Bears In Their Den, Eradicator Of Lions, Slayer Of Chiefs, Controller Of Electricity, and Warden Of The North, and yours are words of a warrior poet, words that cannot be understood by mere mortals.*
*Actually, I just made up that last part so you'll keep reading. Because unless you're an illiterate moron, you understand everything he says, because Mike Zimmer is about as plain spoken and straight forward a man I've ever heard speak. If you're an illiterate moron, you might also be a blogger. Congratulations, you poor bastard, you.
And that is what Zim Tzu is: a language spoken at a level that it needs interpretation*, nuance**, and translation***.
*No interpretation is required
**Mike Zimmer's press conferences are about as nuanced as an A-10's 30mm gatling gun that shoots depleted uranium shells. (GET SOME BABY WOOOOOOOOOOOOO)
***It's really just me making things up, and I add a lot of swear words. Because Mike Zimmer fuckin' swears, a lot. Don't believe me?
You do now motherfucker, don't you?
As we always do, we take portions of Mike Zimmer's Monday press conference, and break it down* to a level of understanding** that even the mere proletariat peasant can understand***.
*The only thing that's broken here are the simple rules of good manners and decorum. I'm not sorry.
**Really, I'm just making shit up because I have a sick and disturbed sense of humor. And, in this segment, a potty mouth. Or keyboard. Fuck it, you get the idea.
***You have no idea what that even means, do you? It means that this is a parody, and should be taken about as seriously as a Nicki Manaj Road Map To Achieve Peace In The Middle East.
As always, what Mike Zimmer actually says will be in the block quote, and what he really means* will be immediately below.
*I have no idea what he means, because really I can't read minds. If I could, do you think I would be an illiterate moron blogger?
What Zim Tzu said: Good afternoon. After watching the tape from yesterday, I thought that we are developing some intensity at the end of football games, being able to come back and finish. We've been in a lot of these close ballgames. I think some of the team is starting to really believe that we can win in these situations. I think that we ran the ball offensively, we did a nice job in the running game especially with the offensive line. Adrian [Peterson] ran the ball good downhill. The special teams continues to play well. Six out of the 10 possessions for Chicago started at the 20 or inside the 20. We had a big punt return, we're not getting penalties, [Jeff] Locke is doing a good job punting the ball, especially the plus-50 punts and defensively, I thought we played decent in the first half and probably not as good as I would have liked in the second half. Questions?
What Zim Tzu meant: WOOOOOOOOOO WE WON IN CHICAGO! TAKE SOME OF THAT SHITTY SOLDIER FIELD GRASS, PUT IT IN A WATER BONG, AND FLOAT AWAY TO WE WON IN CHICAGOLAND! WHAT DID THE FIVE FINGERS SAY TO THE FACE
CHARLIE MURPHY CHICAGO? SLAP! I'M ZIM TZU BITCH! We. Won. In. Fuckin'. Soldier. Field. If I don't drink free in bars for the rest of this season, minimum, we're going to have a serious problem, Minnesota. Fuckers.
Q: What has changed for you guys since the bye in your success to stopping the run?
What Zim Tzu said: I think it's just understanding where you're supposed to be better maybe. We've changed a few techniques a little bit here and there, but I don't know. It's just setting the mind to it. Linval [Joseph] has helped a lot the way he has played.
What Zim Tzu meant: My sheer force of will. I can bend steel with my mind, kill Bears and Lions with my stare, and convince Jehovah's Witnesses to become telemarketers. Also, Linval Joseph is a god damn grown ass man.
Q: Adrian Peterson got things going on the ground with more positive runs. Did Chicago play him differently than other teams or send as much pressure?
What Zim Tzu said: They were pressuring, yes. I think we did a good job of getting to the guys that were pressuring better than we have. They were playing a lot of different coverages and different things with it.
What Zim Tzu meant: Yes, Chicago was playing a kind of unique defense on their interior line. I don't know what they call it, but we called it 'get your ass blown off the line of scrimmage and let Adrian run free' scheme. I have to say, they were quite successful at it, too, as Peterson had more real estate in front of him on most runs than your typical Century 21 realtor.
Q: Do you feel a difference of how players are responding on the sideline with these close games?
What Zim Tzu said: I don't know. I just think we're getting a mindset that we're pretty battle-hardened. We've been in a lot of these situations on the road, we've been in maybe some situations at home where we've started well. But we've got a lot of fighters on this football team. I do think they believe when it gets to the crucial situations of the game that we can perform.
What Zim Tzu meant: We're taking no prisoners, and we don't give three fucks if we're behind late in the game. Don't ever count this team out, because the moment you do, Stefon Diggs will take a 15 yard hitch and house it, then our defense will break your will, and then we'll kick a game winning field goal with four seconds left. And all you'll have left is memories of Rex Grossman saying 'fuck it, I'm going deep'. And you will cry into your shitty, stale, piss smelling Old Style beer, go home to your ugly ass spouse, your generally loveless marriage, bratty kids that can't stay out of trouble at school, and a long, cold, soulless Chicago fucking winter. Jesus, your life sucks worse than your fucking murder capital city, Chicago fan. You make the Gallaghers from Shameless look like an All-American family compared to you. Also, fuck the Black Hawks.
Q: Can you think of a good example in a game situation where some players are starting to believe they can win these close games?
What Zim Tzu said: In yesterday's ballgame, we're down by 10 with 2:30 left. I think we get sacked and then Teddy [Bridgewater] scrambles for 18 yards and we go down and win [on the next possession]. We've been a smart football team. We don't make a lot of mistakes when the game is on the line and that's part of really what we're trying to preach is you don't have to do something that is out of your character. It's still about the team. Like with Charles Johnson, he gets six plays in the ballgame but when his opportunity comes up he makes a great play. It's just depending on your teammates, understanding your role, what your job is to do and then doing your job and then usually things work out.
What Zim Tzu meant: Yeah. Every player. Every situation. Every week. Fuckers.
Q: As confidence grows and expectations begin to rise, how do you think your team is equipped to handle success?
What Zim Tzu said: That's one of the things we have to learn. I talked to the football team a long time ago and I continue to talk to them about there's four learns in football. First you learn how to compete, then you learn how to win, then you learn how to handle winning and then you learn how to be a champion. So we're somewhere in that stage of learning how to win and learning how to handle winning. But we're still young. These are things that we have to understand. The one thing that I have noticed about this team, they're not tight, they're not a tight, nervous kind of team. I think they're confident but they're also focused on the job. When you haven't had success, it's easy to fall into that trap, but I think we have enough veteran guys to remind them of these kind of things and Norv [Turner] does a good job with it and George [Edwards] does a good job with it and we kind of stay on their rear ends a little bit.
What Zim Tzu meant: We couldn't win on the road. Check. We couldn't win on the road in the division. Check. We couldn't win in Chicago. Check. This is not the Minnesota Vikings of recent seasons. I am on their ass all the time about how to play the game, and they're fuckin' listening. 5-2, bitches.
Q: What is the next step you'd like to see your defense take?
What Zim Tzu said: Yesterday, I didn't think we played tight enough coverage in a lot of areas, so we've got to do a much better job there. It all starts - if you can stop the run you have a chance to do some things. We've been playing good in the red zone, we didn't play really good yesterday. I think they had two touchdowns in the red zone because we had a couple busts, so we have to eliminate those things. I probably did some things yesterday that were out of character as well. I could have helped the team a little bit better.
What Zim Tzu meant: Shutout the Packers. I hate the fuckin' Packers.
Q: What are some of those things?
What Zim Tzu said: I'm not going to discuss them, but I know.
What Zim Tzu meant: None of your goddamn business. How's that for things, cubby?
Q: What is your motivational statistic for this week? Do you have something for the Rams that you will be able to dig out?
What Zim Tzu said: Yes, but I've been advised to quit doing that - not that I care really; I don't really care. But yeah, I was reminded of one as soon as I walked in the locker room after the game. I'm sure it'll come up before the week is over.
What Zim Tzu meant: Yeah, and fuck the haters. I DO WHAT I WANT!
Q: Who advised you not to?
What Zim Tzu said: It's a long story. I take coaching well.
What Zim Tzu meant: Your mother after she made me breakfast this morning. FYI, she was grinning from ear to ear. See you next week. Unless you come over to your Mom's house. I'll be there. Fuckers.