Lots of profanity follows. Seriously, I'm not kidding. It's gonna be bad. You've been warned...Ted
When you are a warrior poet, you understand that you have committed your life to one that few men dare tread. You accept that your life is one of brutality, carnage, and violence. But in the midst of this maelstrom, you also understand that there is a certain nobility amongst other warrior poets.
A code, if you will. One that is understood by all that choose to enter this thing you do, and violated by none. Even carnage and violence needs rules and order, and only a precious few understand that.
You are one of those Precious Few, because you are Zim Tzu, First Of His Name, Lord Of The Iron Range And Twin Cities, Hunter of the Ram, Slayer Of Bears In Their Den, Eradicator Of Lions, Conqueror Of Chiefs, Controller Of Electricity, and Warden Of The North. The Code is everything, because without the code, chaos follows. And chaos will not be tolerated.
So when the code is violated, this does not sit well with you. You seek vengeance, but you won't violate your code to exact your revenge. No sir, you get your vengeance the best way you know how...by winning in spite of what your opponent does, not because of it.
And you'll swear, a lot. So it was an angry but satisfied Mike Zimmer that took to the podium this afternoon after the Vikings defeated the Rams 21-18 in overtime. And as is usually the case, Mike Zimmer did not mince his words.
Prepare your eyes, and your inner monologue, for what you are about to read, and please say a prayer for my soul. Because this is going to be fucking brutal, man.
But The Code demands it. Justice demands it. You clowns that read this stuff are actually waiting patiently for it. (Seriously, thank you for waiting. I'm touched so many of you want to read me saying 37 different variations of the word fuck. It means a lot, you fuckers.)
As usual, what Mike Zimmer actually said is in quotes, and what he actually meant* is quoted immediately below.
*As always, this is a parody, and the answers my interpretations are 100% made up. But if there was ever a time I was pretty close to what he was actually thinking, today might be the day.
What Zim Tzu said: I thought it was a really hard fought game. I thought we played really clean on our side of the ball. It shows that our team has a lot of heart, and a lot of fight. They bust their rear ends every day to get better. I'm proud of this football team, and the way they fight and compete, even when situations don't look real good. They fight.
What Zim Tzu meant: Those are some dirty fucking cocksuckers over there. I'm not talking about personal hygiene, but they do, in fact, smell like a hyena's vagina. Those cheapshot sons of bitches tried to get out of here with a bullshit win, but you know something? FUCK THOSE GUYS. We did things the right way, and the football gods rewarded us, and shit on them. Because fuck them, that's why.
Q: St. Louis is a pretty physical football team. Did they cross the line a few times today?
What Zim Tzu said: Yes.
What Zim Tzu meant: Yeah, they fucking did. Dirty cheap shot fuckers.
Q: What about the hit on Bridgewater specifically? Was that a cheap shot and could you elaborate?
What Zim Tzu said: No I won't elaborate, but yes I do.
What Zim Tzu meant: Yeah, it was a fucking cheap shot. Twice. Those dirty bastards tried to take out Teddy's knees, then they took a shot to his head, gave him a concussion, and knocked him out. Fuckers. Ass monkey fucking bastards. Had that happened to Aaron Rodgers or God Forbid Tom Brady, people would have been arrested on the fucking field.
Q: Did that warrant an ejection? (Ed note: I think that was the question--it was partially inaudible, so the quote isn't 100% exact.)
What Zim Tzu said: No, I don't think they can eject him.
What Zim Tzu meant: No, they won't fucking eject him. Greg Hardy's playing, so yeah, fuck Roger Goodell and the NFL's system of justice. Those little shits on Lord of the Flies Island had a better system of punishment than this fucking league, because Roger Goodell is about as smart as a babboon's ass. I hope Lamarcus Joyner gets an STD so bad it crosses his eyes and give him gangrene in his penis.
Q: At the end of the game it didn't look like you didn't have much to say to Jeff Fisher. Was that just kind of because the way the game went in the second half and some of the hits?
What Zim Tzu said: No, that's not why. I didn't have much to say to him.
What Zim Tzu meant: Fuck Jeff Fisher and his bullshit. Never has a coach that's been in the league this long accomplished so little. That dude and his 60 year old fucking porn stache can eat a kangaroo dick and then shit it out sideways after it gives him dysentery. Seriously, does that Tom Selleck wanna be 'stache come with a fucking '84 Ferrari, too? Douchebag. The only thing he might be good at at this stage of his career is the center of attention in bukkake porn.
Q: What did it do for your sideline--the players, the coaches, after that hit?
What Zim Tzu said: I would say if we were out in the street, we probably would've had a fight.
What Zim Tzu meant: The only reason we didn't go over there and kick all their asses is because TV cameras were there. I wanted to make the Attica riot look like a goddamn pre school recess time. After Teddy got hit, we passed out shivs and were ready to go. Fucking TV cameras, man...they ruin a lot of fun.
Q: Do you think they specifically targeted Teddy (Bridgewater)?
What Zim Tzu said: I don't know about that. I do know there's a history there with their defensive coordinator. I'll leave it at that.
What Zim Tzu meant: FUCK THAT GUY! WITH A CACTUS! YES THEY TARGETED HIM IT WAS SO OBVIOUS STEVIE WONDER CALLED ME RIGHT BEFORE I CAME OUT HERE AND SAID MAN DID YOU SEE THAT BULLSHIT?
Q: What did you learn about your football team, with everything like the wind conditions, after Teddy got hurt?
What Zim Tzu said: We're a pretty resilient football team. I think they believe, I think they believe in each other, and I think we play very complimentary football. It's not always pretty, sometimes, but it's pretty when you get the W.
What Zim Tzu meant: We won. We won as a team, with a defense that will punch you in the mouth, a backup quarterback, and a kicker that until a few weeks ago was more nervous kicking the ball than a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. We won because fuck you, that's why. You want to beat us? You better pack a fucking lunch, because it's going to take you all day. Giddy up, bitches.
Q: Can you talk about the decision to take the wind (in OT)? Obviously, it worked out for you.
What Zim Tzu said: Yeah, it wasn't an easy one, I can tell you that. The guy (Greg Zeurlein) kicked a 60 yard field goal earlier with the wind, and I thought 'man, I don't want to give them another opportunity to kick another long field goal to win the football game. So we decided to defend the goal (and take the wind). Defense did a great job on the three and out, (Marcus) Sherels had a nice return, and we had a couple nice plays to get it down there and Blair (Walsh) knocked it through.
What Zim Tzu meant: When I wake up in the morning, I ask myself 'how ballsy can you be today, you fucking genius, you?' And I said today, if this game goes to overtime, I'm not only going to win the toss, I'm going to give that weasley prick on the other side of the field the ball, and I'll still beat your cheating fucking ass. And not because their guy could kick an 80 yard field goal with the wind. But that was part of the decision. Also, THAT'S HOW YOU WIN IN OVERTIME WHEN YOU WIN THE TOSS AND ELECT TO KICK, MARTY MORNHINGWEG!
Q: Does it say something about your team and their restraint not to retaliate after something stupid?
What Zim Tzu said: We're a disciplined football team, and we do things right. That's why we're the least penalized team in the league, because we play by the rules. We continue to play by the rules, and just because other teams continue to do it doesn't mean we'll do it.
What Zim Tzu meant: We don't do that bush league bullshit, we keep our heads, we won't beat ourselves, but we will rip out your heart and show it to you when Blair Walsh kicks it through the uprights. Fuckers. Now get out of my city before we change our mind about letting you walk without a fucking limp.
Q: With the way this game played out, is this scenario something you warned your team about this week, that this could potentially happen?
What Zim Tzu said: We did tell them that we were going to use the hard count a lot to get them to jump offsides. We thought we might get five offsides, but I think we got way more than that. That goes to discipline and doing things the right way.
What Zim Tzu meant: These guys are so undisciplined, our offensive strategy was to get about 175 yards in offsides penalties...AND WE GOT MORE. It all starts with coaching. They don't have any. Fuckers.
Q: How bad is Audie Cole's injury?
What Zim Tzu said: Audie Cole's got a fractured ankle.
What Zim Tzu meant: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKK
Q: How do you think Shaun Hill did in relief of Teddy?
What Zim Tzu said: Under the circumstances I thought he did okay. I think Shaun's a very good backup quarterback. I think he's done a great job. I watch him in practice every single day, and he's a good kid that works real hard. He'll be an asset to this football team.
What Zim Tzu meant: Shaun Hill is a backup quarterback in the NFL...and he played like one.
Q: How impressed were you with the way the front four and the defense contained Todd Gurley?
What Zim Tzu said: I don't know. What did he have, 89 yards? We did all right.
What Zim Tzu meant: Linval Joseph ate him. It was fucking great. Passing of the running back torch, my aching ass.
Q: Can you talk about Linval Joseph's game? Obviously, he was all over the place.
What Zim Tzu said: Terrific player for us. He's tough, physical, smart, great competitor, loves the game, loves his teammates, and wants to do the dirty work. He's a guy I'm awful glad we have.
What Zim Tzu meant: So yeah, nose tackle was so bad here for so long that the 10 yard gain disguised as a four point stance, Letroy Guion, saw a lot of playing time. And every time he got blown off the line of scrimmage, Minnesota souls died a little. Basically, Joseph is the complete 180 of Guion, and it's a goddamn thing of beauty is what it is.
Q: The fans were roaring from the get go, so they understood the importance of this game. The Packers lost, so you're tied for first place. How do you put this game into perspective?
What Zim Tzu said: We're halfway through the season. I did think the crowd did a great job today, and it's nice to have the fans behind us. I've always said it's important for me for this football team that when our fans watch us on Sunday they say 'wow I can't wait to get back and watch this team; the way they play, the way they fight, they way they do things right.' So I think they're starting to believe in us a little bit, and we still got a long way to go, but at least we're in the hunt.
What Zim Tzu meant: WOOOOOOOO CROWD WAS AWESOME AND WE'RE IN FIRST PLACE AND WE'RE JUST GETTING FUCKING STARTED BITCHES SO GET ON THIS BANDWAGON BECAUSE IT'S FILLING UP FAST BABY WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Q: How do you think Trae Waynes did filling in for Terence Newman?
What Zim Tzu said: I thought he did good. I mean, it's hard for me to see everything. I see mistakes a lot, but I thought he did well, from what I could tell.
What Zim Tzu meant: Did some shit good. Fucked some shit up. More good than fucked up.
Q: Do you feel a sense of confidence in your team knowing coming down to the wire that maybe they play a little better this year than they did a year ago?
What Zim Tzu said: I think our team is resilient, and we'll continue to be in close games. When you play good defense, run the ball well, you're going to have an opportunity to win. But I also think we're going to continue to get better on offense. I think we play good on special teams, and all these situations we continue to get into, you kind of put them into your memory banks and you know you've been in this situation before and you can do this. They had the momentum going into the third quarter, and we were kind of muddling around there a little bit, but our guys are resilient. We'll fight.
What Zim Tzu meant: 6-2, motherfuckers. Six. And. Two. And we're not finished. Deuces, Zimmer out.