With rumors floating out on the Internet that Adrian Peterson either won't play for the Vikings, or the Vikings have been trying to trade him for weeks, we here at The Daily Norseman have done what we could to get to the bottom of this.*
*Not really. No one really knows anything, so we're throwing as much up on the wall to see what sticks as anyone.
We actually snuck into the Vikings offices at Winter park and tapped Rick Spielman's phone.**
**We really didn't. That would be a major violation of state and federal law, and although we're not above doing that from time to time, it would land Skol Girl in jail. Look, she'd be running the joint in just a few months, because she's ‘prison yard tough', but we didn't tap the phone lines. I have a buddy at the NSA. THEY tapped the phone lines, and he just sent me the tape.***
***That would be highly illegal, too. And I am not ‘prison yard tough'. I am not even ‘kindergarten recess playground yard tough', so consequently, I'm just making all of this up.
So, with no further delay, we bring you Rick's attempts to trade Adrian Peterson, the phone logs:
Scene: General manager Rick Spielman sits in his office at Winter Park, the Eden Prairie headquarters of the Minnesota Vikings. He has been directed to trade running back Adrian Peterson, and supervising his efforts is legendary Vikings badass and semi retired front office guy Scott Studwell. Spielman picks up his phone and begins dialing...
New England Patriots, may we help you?
BILL!! How ya doin'...Rick Spielman, Minnesot--
: Hello? Hello?!?!?! Damn it...
Seattle Seahawks, how can we help you?
Hey, Petey, Rick Spielman, Minnesota Vikings.
Hey, Pete, let me run something by you. Run...get it??? BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T IN THE SUPER BOWL WITH THE GAME ON THE LINE AND HEY HOW'S PERCY HARVIN DOING HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Hello? Hello?!?!?! DAMN it...I guess if it rained 300 days where I lived I wouldn't have a sense of humor, either.
Oakland, maybe L.A, possibly St. Louis Raiders. May I help you?
Hey, Rick Spielman, Minnesota Vikings. How's it goin'?
Hang on...Al says things are fine.
What? Al? Al Davis??? He's been dead for what, several years now?
Well, technically. He still speaks to us through a medium.
Holy Jesus, the rumors are true.
Well, yeah. I mean, could there be any other explanation as to how screwed up we are?
Fair point. So look, are you guys interested in a trade?
Hang on...Al says...maybe. Who's the fastest guy on your team?
(holds hand over receiver, looks over to Scott Studwell, winks and mouths ‘they didn't even ask about Adrian, holy shit): Well, former linebacker Scott Studwell is right here in my office, and he's thinking about coming out of retirement.
Yeah? Al says he was pretty good back in the day.
He was. If he had been on a team like the Raiders, he'd be in the Hall of Fame. We think you can get him there.
Al wants to know how fast he runs.
Well, just for grins, I had him run a 40 at the combine, and he came in at 5.65.
Al is laughing. That's way too slow.
Keep in mind, Studwell's 57 though. And he still hits like a truck.
Hang on...Al says he had forgotten that. Okay, he'll offer you two firsts and a third.
Add in a second for the stare, and you have a deal.
Hang on...Al agrees.
Awesome! Hey, you guys interested in Adrian Peterson?
Al says...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, no. That guy is toxic, even for us. WE JUST GOT SCOTT STUDWELL AND HE'S STILL ONLY THE SECOND OLDEST GUY ON THE TEAM BEHIND CHARLES WOODSON. JUST WIN BABY!!!
Hello? Hello?!?!?! Damn it...
Go pack your shit, Scott. You've been traded to Oakland.
Scott...you've been traded.
Never mind. It's the Raiders. We'll get the picks and they won't remember who the trade was for. We'll just send them Chad Greenway, they'll never know. Can you teach him to stare?
Of course not. Silly question, my bad. We still good?
Moving right along. Hey, let's have some fun.
Green Bay Packers, can I help you?
(in disguised voice): Yes, can you tell me what's made of green and yellow stone and tries to catch things with their head?
Um, no. What?
BRANDON BOSTICK'S HANDS HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
SPIELMAN GOD DA--
Wait, you just signed that guy to a contract, you idiot.
Well, we better try and trade Adrian.
Good luck. I don't think it'll happen. And this isn't ‘we', little big man. This is ‘you'.
Well, we have to get something for him.
Why not just pay his contract and be done with it?
Because, he's going to be 30, he's expensive, and he's kind of being a pain in the ass.
Yeah, and his agent is a dick, too. All Rob had to do was say the word in Indy and I would've killed him. I miss killing. So much.
You never really killed anyone.
//pees himself a little
Ahem...well then...look, Scott. I have my marching orders. I have to trade an aging, expensive running back. The position is so devalued in the NFL that no one wants him, and he comes with a lot of baggage and a difficult agent. He's currently on the Commissioner's Exempt List, and I have no idea...none...whether or not he will be reinstated and eligible to play or suspended again.
Yeah, when you put it that way, I don't envy you. You're kinda gooned, actually. I mean, who in the world would be stupid enough to...
OH MY GOD WAIT A SECOND!!!
Cleveland Browns, how may we help you?
No no NO, my friend, the question is how can I help YOU??? Rick Spielman, Minnesota Vikings here.
No, Rick. We are not falling for your evil sorcery this time. NOT AGAIN!!! NO NO NO!!!
Wait, don't hang up. This isn't sorcery. I want to tell you about something...weird...that happened this morning. Just hear me out, and if you think it's crazy, I'll hang up and won't bother you again. I promise.
As I was stepping over a homeless guy this morning on my way to work, he looked up at me and said "trade Adrian Peterson to Cleveland. Johnny Football needs him."
Really? YOU TALK TO THE HOMELESS WHEN MAKING FOOTBALL DECISIONS, TOO? WE THOUGHT WE WERE THE ONLY ONES ON THE CUTTING EDGE LIKE THAT!!
Oh yeah, all the time. Hey, what was the name of the homeless guy that told you to draft Manziel?
Look, you're not going to believe this, but the name of the homeless guy that told me to trade AP to you guys was...
YES, YES IT WAS TIM COUCH!
Look, if you guys are going to hyperventilate on the phone, I got Jacksonville on hold. Toby Gerhart would like nothing more than to sit behind AP again.
NO NO NO NO WAIT DON'T HANG UP RICKY PLEASE STAY ON THE LINE
Okay, but what are you offering?
THREE FIRSTS THREE SECONDS AND FOUR THIRDS
//coughs, chokes, spits Diet Coke on to far wall of office in disbelief
Yeah, okay, not enough. Three ones, three twos, four threes, and our entire draft class for 2018, 2019, and 2020.
And come get Tim Couch off my steps?
DEAL! WOO HOO!
Thank God for Cleveland.