Hi kids, how have you been? If you're a Vikings fan and didn't know that Adrian Peterson and Mike Zimmer had a press conference after Peterson's return to the team earlier today, you are one of two things:
Monumentally ignorant, or monumentally blessed; I can't decide what. I'm a blessed ignoramus, so I kind of have both bases covered here, so I'll let you decide what camp you fall in.
Be that as it may, there was a lot of information said at today's press conference...if you know the ways of Rickspeak, and the meaning behind the words.
'But Ted', you ask to yourself, 'what is Rickspeak?'
Rickspeak isn't so much a language unto itself as much as it is a code. A code that would make Navajo Code Talkers burst with pride, and one that current Vikings GM Rick Spielman has mastered to a Ninja level. It's part verbal judo, part linguistic gymnastics, and part hypnosis*. It's a language as old as Aramaic and Latin**, and one that takes years to decipher and master***.
*It's none of those things
**It's really not even a language, it's just me making shit up
***It takes nowhere near that long
And today, my Viking faithful, we were given a Rickspeak Tour-De-Force, not by the Master, but by his two faithful minions--head coach Mike Zimmer and part time running back, part time Prodigal Son Adrian Peterson.
So, my friends, let us jump into the verbal vomit pit, and get behind what ZimTzu and Peterson not only said*...but what they actually meant.**
*We really will give you direct quotes from Zimmer and Peterson during the presser
**I can't emphasize enough that my interpretations of those quotes are totally made up bullshit
Amidst a throng of print, online, and TV reporters that would rival Super Bowl media day, Peterson and Zimmer walked up to the podium, and Mike Zimmer spoke first. Because he's the head coach, and Mike Zimmer does whatever the fuck he wants, whenever he wants to. So, how did coach Zimmer start the proceeding off?
What ZimTzu said: It's great to have Adrian (Peterson) back here working out with us again today. He's got such a charismatic smile, an infectious personality. It's good to get him here with the rest of the guys, with the rest of the players. We welcome him with open arms, unequivocally. He's been such a tremendous, tremendous part of this organization. I have the utmost respect for him, always have, I've always supported him 100% and I will continue to do so as long as he's with us, and hopefully that's for a long, long time.
What ZimTzu actually meant: Man, that sumbitch can play football. We're going to win an assload of games with him and Teddy in the same backfield, and Roger Goodell can lick my balls, man. So yeah, you're goddamn right I welcome him back with open arms, because my job depends on wins and losses. And let's face it, I've already broke him like a colt once...why rub it in?
What ZimTzu said: We've got a tremendous, tremendous amount of work to do and even today at practice, it was just fun to see him. The first play of practice, everybody knew Adrian was getting the ball, but Norv (Turner) called a play-action pass so the defense got fooled pretty good on that one. Those are the kind of things that he helps us with. His teammates have welcomed him, the coaches have welcomed him and we know what kind of person and what kind of player he is.
What ZimTzu actually meant: No disrespect to Jerick McKinnon and Matt 'Boom Boom' Asiata, but running a play action with them wouldn't fool a drunk at a barstool. I think Norv Turner's still got a massive erection after watching today's practice. Seriously, his pants look like a circus tent walking around the locker room. Not that there's anything wrong with that...nohomo.
With that, the Great Unwashed peppered ZimTzu with questions. Some of them follow:
Q: What have your conversations with him been like over the last week?
What ZimTzu said: Adrian and I have talked. I think we've always had very open communication. We've been able to express our opinions fairly openly. I really don't want to get into all of the conversations that we've had. And the comment that I made last week was not about trying to be confrontational, or anything like that, it was just because, of basically this here.
What ZimTzu actually meant: I told him he's going to play with us, or he's not going to play. Pretty sure I didn't stutter when I said it. Pretty sure he didn't have earplugs in. Pretty sure he practiced today, so yeah. Boom.
Q: Did you and Adrian talk about that comment?
What ZimTzu said: We did.
What ZimTzu actually meant: Heh. Heh heh...
Q: What was some of the conversation like that you can share?
What ZimTzu said: He expressed his opinion and I expressed mine.
What ZimTzu actually meant: Leverage is a bitch, especially when you ain't got any, yo.
Q: What conversations, if any, did you guys have about trading Adrian Peterson up until draft day?
What ZimTzu said: None. None.
What ZimTzu actually meant: We pretty much Rochambeau'd Dallas from the word go. Now DeMarco Murray is in Philly, they have Darren McFadden as their go to guy, and HAHAHAHAHAHAHA...man, I've tried to keep a straight face answering this question, but JERRY GONNA JERRY.
Q: What was the most difficult part of this entire situation for you?
What ZimTzu said: A lot of it was difficult because I had a player that I really, really respected and he was not able to be with us. He had to go through some hard times for himself, but you know, I've made a million mistakes in my life, hopefully, I will continue to learn, but I think we all have those things that come up that we make mistakes, we apologize for them, we go on.
What ZimTzu actually meant: Watching Matt Asiata run the ball from anywhere outside the opponent's two yard line. I mean, man, it's kind of painful. Like burns when I pee after I visit a Filipino whorehouse painful. Asiata's top end speed is like an Amish carriage in reverse. When we watch film on him, we don't play it in slow motion, because he actually runs backwards when we do. But damn, love that guy at the goal line.
Next up, The Prodigal Son took to the microphone:
What AP said: Good afternoon, everyone. It actually feels good to see some familiar faces in here, some maybe not so much, but it definitely feels good to be back in the building.
What AP actually meant: Fuck. This sucks, man. I can't believe Dogra couldn't get me out of this place. Kevin Warren is so off my Christmas Card list.
What AP said: Each and every guy in that locker room has been supportive, the people in the building, the front office, I've known these people for over eight years, it's been a lot of love that I've felt through this process and I was able to feel that same love today being around the guys and just being back in the building. I'm just focusing on moving forward and trying to accomplish the ultimate goal, and that's to bring a championship to Minnesota.
What AP actually meant: I really thought I'd be in Dallas by now. FUCK!
Once again, The Great Unwashed started asking questions. Some of them are below. (Note: I will not parody any questions regarding Peterson and his son. I will accept those at face value, and besides, only a heartless jackass would make light of that situation).
Q: What changed from last week not showing up to OTAs, what changed since then?
What AP said: I had personal obligations last week, and ultimately, to be honest with you, I just wanted to. I had a long time to really think about things and ultimately, what it came down to was getting back in the building.
What AP actually meant: My contract that that idiot Ben Dogra couldn't change says I get almost a million bucks for showing up to this bullshit. And I'd rather make $13 million than make nothing. So here I am. Pay me, Zygi.
Q: Can you talk about any resentment that occurred in the time off that you had whether it was with some people internally here or whether it was with the media here? How have you gotten past that?
What AP said: Prayer changes things, but there's been emotions from both sides. I'm the type of person that I don't want people -- and even if people feel this way, which they are entitled to think what they want but I'm definitely not the victim and I haven't tried to play the victim in this role.
What AP actually meant: I prayed like one of the twelve freakin' disciples to get traded and get a new contract, and I'm pissed it didn't happen, but I guess I'll just have to be happy making almost $13 million. And I'm not a victim...just please don't go back and read my Twitter account as recently as last week. Okay?
Q: Back in March your agent said that it would be better if you played for another team. Why would he say that? Did you ever want to play somewhere else?
What AP said: My agent, he has a job to do and he was doing his job.
What AP actually meant: My agent sucks at his job, man. Sucks bad. I didn't understand what leverage meant until about 20 minutes ago. Damn it.
Q: Did you ever want to play somewhere else?
What AP said: I'm going to be absolutely 100 percent with you. With everything going on in my life during that time, I really didn't know what I wanted. I didn't know if I wanted to play somewhere else, if I wanted to retire, if I wanted to go off and get into track, just change it up differently, just do something different. That's where receiving advice from my parents and my advisors really played a big role.
What AP actually meant: Yes, yes I did.
Q: If it were up to you right now would you be on a different team?
What AP said: No. I'm happy where I'm at here with the Minnesota Vikings. I love the coaching staff. I've said it before, I feel like as a group this is the best coaching staff that we've seen since I've been here. I like what they present. We have a young team, a hungry team, an excellent young quarterback who has a year under his belt now and we have a lot of talent. We can accomplish great things.
What AP actually meant: Yes, yes I would.
So yeah, AP's back, and yet another sordid chapter in Vikings history is OVAH. Skol Vikings.