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Zim Tzu, Starring An Incredibly Mad Mike Zimmer

The head coach/warrior poet did not care for the last practice in Mankato.

This man was not smiling today. At all.
This man was not smiling today. At all.
Andrew Weber-USA TODAY Sports

NOTE: This has a lot of NSFW words. If you're offended easily, stop now. Also, unhook from the Internet and go unicorn hunting. Near rainbows--Ted

Mike Zimmer is a no-nonsense guy. If you saw his clips from the HBO series Hard Knocks as the Bengals defensive coordinator, you also know his language is...colorful. During today's last practice before the Vikings break training camp, Mike Zimmer was not happy with the effort.

Unfortunately, as a head coach in the National Football League, he can't get up in front of a microphone and use his entire vocabulary, like Jerry Fuckin' Burns used to do. Fuckers. He has to nuance, or maybe even fall short of what he really wants to convey to keep things at a PG, family friendly level. So Mike Zimmer speaks in an offshoot of Rickspeak we like to call 'Zim Tzu', modeled after Sun Tzu, the famous Chinese general from the fifth century BC. (Might be the sixth or the fourth though, I can never get that right when counting backwards. Or forwards. Whatever.)

But we here at The Daily Norseman do not have to 'use our words' when translating Rickspeak or Zim Tzu quotes, because we are what one would call experts* in translation.**

*We're not experts. At anything. Except occasional jackassery.***

**This isn't translation. It's parody. If that's not have no sense of humor and I weep for your soul. Wait, you probably don't have one, you humorless, soulless bastard.

***Okay, most-of-the-time Jackassery.

So an irate Mike Zimmer took to the podium at Mankato. Let's see what he had to say, and then we'll translate. What Mike Zimmer actually said will be in quotes, and what we translate* will immediately follow.

*And by translate, again I can't emphasize enough how much I mean 'completely make up for comedic purposes'

What Zim Tzu said: We finished up our last day at Mankato, I want to thank Minnesota State. They've done a great job with their facilities here and welcoming us to their campus. That was a terrible practice. It was not up to my standards and they better get better quickly or there's going to be a lot of heck going on.

What Zim Tzu meant: Mankato and Mankato State is awesome, I'd like to go fishing down here one day. The team sucked, though. I'd like to drown them all and watch the life drain out of their eyes, one by one. If this had been yard time in prison, I would've shanked every last one of these sumbitches.

Q: What didn't you like about today's practice?

What Zim Tzu said: Everything.

What Zim Tzu meant: Everything. Fuckers.

Q: You had the team run at practice, have you done that often your coaching days?

What Zim Tzu said: When I need to.

What Zim Tzu meant: When I need to. Those fuckers.

Q: Today's probably not the best day to ask, but how do you think camp went overall?

What Zim Tzu said: Yeah, today is not a good day to ask.

What Zim Tzu meant: If we were in prison yard time, I would've shanked you just now for asking that question. It all sucked worse than Donald Trump's hair. Fuckers.

Q: Were there any positives today?

What Zim Tzu said: Yeah, we're going home.

What Zim Tzu meant: Yeah, I'm peeling out of this bitch and heading north on 169 faster than Koren Robinson did back in the day. My goal is to beat his time by at least 20 minutes. Fuckers.

Q: What kind of message did you give to the team as they were walking off?

What Zim Tzu said: I probably can’t repeat it.

What Zim Tzu meant: Every swear word in every known language goes here, and even a few dead languages, like Latin and Aramaic. E Plurubus Fuckem.

Q: Do you think it's because it was the last practice and the team is looking ahead to going home?

What Zim Tzu said: That's not what good teams do. Good teams don't do that. Good teams focus on the task at hand. They don't care what's happened the last 13 days, they worry about today and they worry about getting better. That's what good teams do.

What Zim Tzu meant: You know what good is? Good is an ice cream cone with your grandson at the end of the day. Good is a nice bowl of chili on a cold winter's day. Good is nice cold beer after an afternoon of summer yard work.  You know what isn't good? Monkeys flinging shit at you through the bars at the zoo, that's not good. Anything performed by Kei$ha, that's not good. True Detective, Season 2, The Musical--that's not good. This was like Kei$ha flinging her shit into the audience as the lead actress for some off Broadway True Detective Season 2 musical. Fuckers.

Q: Did you lean on your veterans to self-police a little bit?

What Zim Tzu said: I don’t know. I lean on my size ten.

What Zim Tzu meant: I put my foot so far up their ass Chad Greenway had to open his mouth so I could untie my shoes. Fuckers.

Q: Is this something that all of teams go through, hitting a lull?

What Zim Tzu said: I don’t know. My team’s not going to do this.

What Zim Tzu meant: Not my team. You know why? Because I'm not gonna look at the tape and make corrections. I will go so old school on this team we'll meet in a one room building and they'll be given hand held chalkboards to take notes with. The old regime is gone, and it ain't coming back, kids. Fuckers.

Q: What was the general message to the team?

What Zim Tzu said: I can't repeat it.

What Zim Tzu meant: E Plurubus Fuckem. Fuckers.