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Your Almost End Of The Pre-Season Zim Tzu, Starring Mike Zimmer

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The head coach/warrior poet/philosopher of life drops some knowledge bombs on unsuspecting fans. We pick them up and defuse them before they blow up in our face. Hopefully.

'This is the back of my hand. Don't make me use it, Gerald.'
'This is the back of my hand. Don't make me use it, Gerald.'
Matthew Emmons-USA TODAY Sports

NOTE: This has some NSFW words. If you're offended easily, stop now. Also, unhook from the Internet and go unicorn hunting. Near rainbows--Ted

Mike Zimmer cares not for your feelings. He cares not for my feelings. But that doesn't mean Mike Zimmer is uncaring. Oh, make no mistake my friends, Mike Zimmer cares. A lot. About a lot of things, none of which are any of your damn business.

Unless he tells you.

And when he does speak, he speaks as only a warrior poet/philospher can. With intent and purpose, and he dispenses knowledge much like a Pez dispenser distributes candy. And that's what Zim Tzu is, essentially. Nuggets of Pez-like deliciousness, but instead of candy we get lessons. Lessons in life*, lessons in football**, and a greater sense of purpose.***

If you know how to listen to what he says. And that's why I'm here, to translate Zim Tzu into plain, every day language you can use to make yourself a better person. Or bitter. Tomato tomahto, I s'pose.

*Really, this is just a fun, goofy way to transcribe a press conference by the head football coach. Nothing more.

**Seriously, it's just football talk, with me making things up as we go along.

***If this does give you some kind of greater purpose, I weep for the tragic life you have constructed for yourself.

So, let's get on with it. What Mike Zimmer actually said will be in the quote block, but what he meant* will be translated below.

*I have no idea what he meant or implied. About anything. Ever. I'm just  a moron who occasionally writes on a blog.

Poorly, I might add.

What Zim Tzu said: After watching the tape, I thought we did some good things in a lot of different areas. We continued to do a good job in our return game, punt returns and kickoff returns, we're doing a good job blocking, not getting penalties, creating seams, things that Coach [Mike] Priefer is trying to teach those guys. Defensively, I thought we did well with a lot of things. We gave up that one 60 yard throw, which was poor. Then offensively we moved the ball pretty good. We had a few breakdowns in some of the areas, but overall it was an okay performance.

What Zim Tzu meant: I watched the tape, and I didn't need to make any corrections. We are a well oiled machine, baby, and we are going to utterly destroy the NFL, much like Miley Cyrus' wardrobe...or lack of it...has destroyed good taste. I almost pity San Francisco in the opener. Almost. Those fuckers. Jim TomsuLOLa, AMIRITE?

Q: Where does Cordarrelle Patterson stand overall during this camp?

What Zim Tzu said: I think he’s continuing to work, continuing to get better. I think last week was a better game for him even though he didn’t have any catches. It was a better game for him than the week before. He’s just another guy that we can use. [Ed note--'Just another guy'. Woof.]

What Zim Tzu meant: He's more productive for us when he doesn't catch a pass, and that makes him the MOST LETHAL DECOY SINCE PATTON'S GHOST ARMY PRIOR TO D-DAY WOOOOOOOO. Fucker. So where does he stand? On the damn sideline, that's where he stands. Or the opponent's end zone when I put him out there as a kick returner. That's really about it.

Q: How concerned are you about the kicking situation at this point?

What Zim Tzu said: I’m not really concerned. I think if Blair [Walsh] would have had a poor night last Saturday night, then I’d be more concerned. He made every kick in practice last week. I have to go on the overall of what I see all the time, so I’m not concerned. He’ll be fine.

What Zim Tzu meant: I'm petrified. I have a pretty good team, and a game might come down to a guy that's as yippy as a strung out Bubbles from The Wire right now. And to be honest, if Walsh misses four of his first six kicks this year when it counts for real, the chances of me killing him are about as good as your favorite character on Game of Thrones dying. You know what's fine? A Kate Upton swimsuit pictorial is fine. You know what isn't fine? A monkey fucking a football isn't fine, and that's what Walsh's kicking reminds me of right now. So how's Walsh? He's closer to being a simian fornicator than a photographer, let's just say that.

Q: Did you go back and look at how Gerald Hodges and Eric Kendricks played? Where do things stand at the middle linebacker position?

What Zim Tzu said: I thought they both did well. Kendricks, he makes a bunch of plays, Hodges had four tackles in the number of plays that he was in. We’ll take another look at it this week and see where it goes.

What Zim Tzu meant: Let's just say they're going to be good. How good? Well, when they celebrate making a tackle after a run, it won't be 20 yards downfield like Dwayne Rudd used to do. It will be, if nothing else, in the same zip code as the line of scrimmage. This is a good thing. Dwayne Rudd's celebrations were not a good thing. Ever.

Q: So will Gerald Hodges start again this week?

What Zim Tzu said: I don’t know. Is that important?

What Zim Tzu meant: Just be happy Dwayne Rudd isn't celebrating 20 yards downfield, cupcake. Man, that guy was as irritating as being forced to order a salad at the State Fair. I WANT MY DEEP FRIED BUTTER DAMN IT!!!

Q: Are you looking to make a decision on the final three cuts today to get to 75 players?

What Zim Tzu said: We’re almost there. We released most of them.

What Zim Tzu meant: It's a torturous, bureaucratic process, and one that's agonizing to get to. It's Kafka-esque, if you will. KAFKA...ESQUE...GET IT? BECAUSE THAT'S ABOUT AS BIG A HINT AS I CAN DROP ON YOUR HEAD OUTSIDE OF AN ANVIL.

Q: Does Teddy Bridgewater need to play Thursday night or are you going to hold him out?

What Zim Tzu said: I haven’t told them yet, so I will reserve judgement until then.

What Zim Tzu meant: LOLNOPE, Teddy good.

Q: George Edwards said last week in response to a question about Trae Waynes possibly starting week one that that’s what you were aiming for. Is that a realistic possibility and how would you assess that?

What Zim Tzu said: I read that and I didn’t agree with what George [Edwards] said, to be honest with you. I think it was interpreted incorrectly, I think when he said, ‘that’s what we’re all wanting him to do, is we all wanted them to start.’ I don’t think he specifically meant Trae [Waynes], so we’ll see where that goes.

What Zim Tzu meant: When Trae is covering receivers like fat covers the Green Bay fanbase, we'll come back to this question, because if there's one thing I know, it's defensive backs. And when you clowns that were screaming to cut him after week one in the pre-season realize how dumb you were, we'll find you and make you watch reruns of the children's show Barney and Friends, just to get your IQ back up to the level of fringe societal moron. But yeah, George needs to close his grocery hole if he knows what's good for him. Or you clowns need to quit making stories out of non-stories. Maybe both. Hey, let's go with both. Fuckers.

Q: Are the roster cuts more difficult this year because you’re cutting better quality football players than a year ago?

What Zim Tzu said: Yes. There’s no question. It’s like yesterday was a hard day, really. Joe Banyard is a terrific kid, he’s busted his rear end around here, he had some good runs last year. A guy like Josh Kaddu, who a lot of you don’t know, he’s a guy that was on the practice squad last year, I mean just a great, great kid. Some of these things, you end up cutting some of these guys, it’s hard because they’re part of us. We wish them the best and hope that things work out for them. To answer your question, yes. I think we have a deeper football team this year than we did a year ago.

What Zim Tzu meant: Yeah, it blows, man. Look, three years ago, Joe Banyard would've been our number 2 or 3 back, and Josh Kaddu would've been a special teams guy, minimum. Hell, Wasswa Serwanga (twitch) could've been a starting cornerback, and we probably could've gotten Kenny Mixon back in to our defensive line rotation. Seriously, could he have been any worse on the line than Letroy Guion? But now, we have this dilemma that in the NFL we call 'talent'. And when we have talent, sometimes, good players don't make the cut, and that sucks. Not because we're releasing Joe, but because Joe will probably be picked up by a team like Jacksonville, where he will be murdered by an inept offensive line. RIP, Joe. In lieu of flowers we'll set up a scholarship fund in your memory.