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2015 Minnesota Vikings Season... RESULTS! FOR REAL! ALL THE PROMISES THIS TIME!

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Things, feelings, and emotions… but MOST OF ALL, SEASON RESULTS IN ADVANCE!

Bruce Kluckhohn-USA TODAY Sports

OK so fine, accidentally burning the Tome of Knowledge last year didn't really help me in my attempts to accurately predict how the season would go. But it's OK! I figured it out this time. For real!

Look, I get you're all probably a bit down on my season predictions considering I've been wrong... like, 4 years running. But for real this time guys. Dr. Prometheus, Loki, a ragtag collection of psychic dogs, a pile of ashes that was once an ancient Egyptian Tome of Knowledge (nobody told me papyrus was flammable, I take no blame here)- these were all foolhardy attempts, I can accept this.

But now I'm for sure! See, the other day I found a DeLorean, and after a brief escapade wherein I stole some plutonium from Les Miles during an LSU game for the flux capacitor (don't ask), I went... BACK TO THE FUTURE*!

There, I utilized knowledge gained from a documentary I saw regarding another time traveling DeLorean to snatch a sports almanac** and glean both scores and key statistics from this year's Minnesota Vikings season***. BEHOLD- RESULTS OF 2015, IN ADVANCE****!!!!!

*technically, I went forward to the future cuz in this example going ‘back' to the future makes no actual sense.

**yes they still have sports almanacs in the future, thanks to the impending internet crash*****.

***I also meant to find out who wins the upcoming presidential race and some other stuff, but I forgot to ask due to super rum******.

****if you use these to bet and the almanac was potentially wrong, I hold no liability. If however it's right, you owe me 50%.

*****forgot to ask about that too.

******it comes out soon and it's AWESOME.

Alright children, gather around, and let's review some of the key statistics and scores listed in the FUTURE ALMANAC!

@ San Francisco 49ers-W 28-9

  • Key Statistics:
  • -Teddy Bridgewater: 15-19, 240 yds, 2 TDs 0 INTs
  • -3 missed Walsh FGs, but all XPs made yayyy!
  • -1 Horrific Story About AP's Personal Life
  • -13 Walleye magically re-appearing in Mille Lacs

Lions-W 24-21

  • Key Statistics:
  • -Teddy Bridgewater: 18-24, 213 yds, 1 TDs 1 INTs
  • -1 missed Walsh FG, hit the game winner tho! (but all XPs missed awwwww)
  • -30 times the phrase "Whelp, the Lions are back!" is uttered by sports analysts
  • -4 Walleye magically re-appearing in Mille Lacs

Chargers-W 21-20

  • Key Statistics:
  • -Teddy Bridgewater: 20-22, 308 yds, 2 TDs 0 INTs
  • -No missed FGs! Cuz none were attempted.
  • -100 coupons for free pizza at Matt Kalil's pizza join handed out
  • -2 coupons redeemed
  • -42 Walleye magically re-appearing in Mille Lacs

@Broncos-L 24-18

  • Key Statistics:
  • -Teddy Bridgewater: 18-19, 198 yds, 1 TDs 0 INTs
  • -2 missed Walsh FGs, 3 missed XPs, WTF WALSH WHY
  • -179 DN FanPosts comparing Teddy Bridgewater to Peyton Manning
  • -1 Walleye magically re-appearing in Mille Lacs

Chiefs-W 17-13

  • Key Statistics:
  • -Teddy Bridgewater: 20-20, 200 yds, 2 TDs 0 INTs
  • -BLAIR WALSH MADE HIS 1 FG AND 2 XPS WHOOOOO
  • -172 Stories Suggesting AP For Comeback Player of the Year, totally ignoring the season's earlier Horrific Story About AP's Personal Life
  • -11 Walleye magically re-appearing in Mille Lacs

@Lions-W 43-13

  • Key Statistics:
  • -Teddy Bridgewater: 27-42, 432 yards, 5 TDs 0 INTs
  • -1 50+ yard FG made, 2 XPs missed... because Wlash, man
  • -100s of crimes and broken dreams... just 100s, man.
  • -22 Walleye magically re-appearing in Mille Lacs

@Bears-L 27-24

  • Key Statistics:
  • -Teddy Bridgewater: 28-34, 327 yards, 3 TDs 1 INT
  • -1 FG and 3 XPs made
  • -12 people still unwilling to pick up Walsh in the Norse Code fantasy league regardless
  • -2 packs of cigs smoked by a bored-ass Jay Cutler
  • -3 Walleye magically re-appearing in Mille Lacs

Rams-W 55-12

  • Key Statistics:
  • -Teddy Bridgewater: 33-42, 414 yards, 4 TDs 0 INTs
  • -2 FGs made, 7 XPs made
  • -0 Walsh jerseys sold regardless
  • -2 articles about new stadiums and how we totally got one (does that hurt, St. Louis?)
  • -4 useless, useless snaps that Cordarelle Patterson technically plays in
  • -4 draft picks used to acquire Cordarelle Patterson
  • -16 Walleye magically re-appearing in Mille Lacs

@Raiders-W 38-32

  • Key Statistics:
  • -Teddy Bridgewater: 22-35, 403 yards, 4 TDs, 1 INT
  • -1 50+ yd FG and 7 XPs made
  • -1 person in the Norse Code fantasy league who snatches Walsh off waiver wire
  • -17 shivings and shankings (in the parking lot, 5 additional in the stadium itself)
  • -7 Walleye magically re-appearing in Mille Lacs

Packers-W 25-21

  • Key Statistics:
  • -Teddy Bridgewater: 25-36, 330 yards, 3 TDs 0 INTs
  • -2 FGs and 3 XPs missed
  • -1 very sad person in the Norse Code fantasy league
  • -327 farm animals sodomized in Wisconsin
  • -0 cases brought before a judge, cuz c'mon, it's Wisconsin
  • -18 Walleye magically re-appearing in Mille Lacs

@Falcons-L 21-16

  • Key Statistics:
  • -Teddy Bridgewater: 24-40, 323 yards, 1 TD 0 INTs
  • -3 FGs (1 50+ yd) and 1 XP made
  • -1 laptop owned by a person in the Norse Code fantasy league destroyed
  • -1,000,000,000 arguments about Matt Ryan- IS HE ELITE?
  • -1 Walleye magically re-appearing in Mille Lacs

Seahawks-L 27-21

  • Key Statistics:
  • -Teddy Bridgewater: 27-41, 289 yards, 2 TDs, 2 INTs
  • -3 XPs made... which is nice
  • -3 FGs missed... which isn't nice
  • -15 attempts to trade Blair Walsh and Cordarrelle Patterson mid-game for 1st and 2nd round Seahawks picks
  • -15 times Rick Spielman is hung up on mid-game by the Seahawks
  • -89 Walleye magically re-appearing in Mille Lacs

@Cardinals-W 24-13

  • Key Statistics:
  • -Teddy Bridgewater: 32-37, 374 yards, 3 TDs 0 INTs
  • -1 FG and 3 XPs made... hooray!
  • -14 blown Carson Palmer tendons
  • -14 Walleye magically re-appearing in Mille Lacs

Bears-W 35-10

  • Key Statistics:
  • -Teddy Bridgewater: 25-28, 266 yards, 4 TDs 0 INTs
  • -5 XPs made.... Not a bad trend!
  • -61,500 broken dreams of Chicago fans when Jay Cutler is confusingly given an extension
  • -12 Walleye magically re-appearing in Mille Lacs

Giants-W 31-17

  • Key Statistics:
  • -Teddy Bridgewater: 32-51, 400 yards, 3 TDs 0 INTs
  • -4 XPs and 1 FG made... no misses, ok this is good!
  • -3,000,000,000 arguments about Eli Manning- IS HE ELITE?
  • -253 Walleye illegally fished out of Mille Lacs by Ted Glover

@Packers-L 27-10

  • Key Statistics:
  • -Teddy Bridgewater: None, as he did not play
  • -1 Blair Walsh FG made and 1 XP made can we relax maybe?
  • -Millions of Vikings fans who are thrilled that Teddy Bridgewater has entered into the IS HE ELITE? argument
  • -Millions of Vikings fans who are horrified that dealing with the IS HE ELITE? argument is now a part of their daily lives
  • -50 wild hogs not shot in Minnesota

11-5 record and a first round postseason bye SKOL VIKINGS 2015!!!!!!!