Stock Market Report: 49ers

After an off-season and pre-season that gave Vikings fans a lot of unbridled optimism, they came into Santa Clara looking for a second straight season opening road win under Mike Zimmer.

Yeah, whatever. Outdoors. Prime time. On the road. On grass.

A foursome of funk that the Vikings cannot escape.

The more things change, the more things stay the same. The Minnesota Vikings laid an egg, and the optimism we all felt nary a week ago has taken a serious hit. I mean, it was a complete ass handing, by a team that is coached by this guy:

And with a roster turnover of approximately 386%. Seriously, 73% of the retirements in the NFL this past off season was someone from the San Francisco 49ers. Everyone else was cut.

Everything, in every aspect of the game, sucked. And it sucked bad. There was nothing redeeming about this game, and it was an absolute embarrassment for a team that was a pre-season darkhorse to contend for the a playoff spot.

Boy, what the hell were we thinking? Well, we were thinking that the Vikings could check out of that foursome of funk and make an early statement. Oh, they made a statement all right, just not the one we thought. They decided to extend their stay in mediocrity at the Hotel California, and leave us wondering what the hell Kalitas and a defense really is. (Look, it was Chris Berman calling the game, what did you expect? Yes, I know I telegraphed this from a mile away and you snuffed it out, much like the 49ers did for most every play the Vikings ran. I don't care, it's a great song, regardless of the shitshow we had to endure)

An SMR of angst follows.

Blue Chip Stocks:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, you're kidding me, right?

Well, Mike Zimmer's press conference tomorrow might be an all time epic rant. But that's about it.

Solid Investments:

Mike Wallace, WR: The guy that came over in a trade with Miami has to be thinking what the hell, yo? But he was about the only guy that provided an offensive spark, at least while the game was still competitive--I SEE YOU KYLE RUDOLPH.

Also, Wallace amassed juuuuuuust enough yards to get me over the hump and win week one of my fantasy league. SILVER LININGS BABY WOOOOOOOOOOOOO SUCK IT GERRY I BEAT YOU EVEN WITH MATT RYAN THROWING SEEDS ON YOUR TEAM AND ME STARTING MELVIN GORDON OVER AMEER ABDULLAH ON MINE WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BABY YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Junk Bonds:

The Offensive Line: One of the big concerns we collectively had coming in to the season was how the offensive line would hold up. If week one was any indication, we should be having a funeral and wake for Teddy Bridgewater sometime about the third quarter in week seven. That was brutal, man. Worse than brutal. I don't know what's more brutal--the o-line play in week one, or Trent Dilfer on the mic. We had to endure both.

Adrian Peterson, former Gulag Prisoner: So this is a funny story. Right after my fantasy draft, I damn near traded Aaron Rodgers for AP, straight up. I hedged at the last minute, because of the o-line. I am a genius for not making that trade. Peterson wasn't able to get anything going, except for one pretty ridiculous catch and pinball wizard run, and overall, he was quieter than than a mute in a soundproof room.

Teddy Bridgewater, QB: Man, I had such high hopes for Teddy coming into week one. But as the game went on, he was running for his life, and making decisions that were more questionable than a drunk teenager. I think this game is an anomaly, but still...Teddy gave me a sad.

Blair Walsh, K: I don't know about you guys, but personally, I'm going to JUST FREAKING LOVE chewing my fingernails to the bone wondering if, on any given kick this year, Walsh might actually make it, becase right now it's 50-50, at best. It will give us a lot of excitement in what is looking to be a possibly grim season. Seriously, we could make a drinking game out of it.

1. If Blair Walsh makes a kick, drink. (You will make it through the end of the game sober).

2. Wide left, drink. If you can spell Gary Anderson backwards, pick someone to drink. If not, drink again.

3. Wide right, drink.

4. Kickoff through the end zone, drink.

5. Doink it off the upright: TWO SHOTS OF TEQUILA

You'll be blissfully passed out by the second quarter. You're welcome.

The defense, except that sweet ass hit Harrison Smith had on Colin Kaepernick: Of all the things that disappointed me, the defense getting gashed all night was probably the most disappointing. They couldn't stop OSU alumnus (woot woot) Carlos Hyde, who ran for about 693 yards and 27 touchdowns, and Colin Kaepernick ran and passed with relative ease all evening. When they needed a stop, they couldn't get one unless they were helped by a penalty, and the defense looked overmatched and outwitted all night.

Buy/Sell:

Buy: The all white road uniforms. It was the only thing the Vikings trotted out on to the field that wasn't a complete ass face poopy show.

Sell: Whatever the hell the 49ers were wearing: Trenchcoat? Black uniform and gold helmet? Not only did the Vikes get their ass kicked, they got their ass kicked by Jim Tomsula and the Uniforms Of Ass. Way to go, guys.

Buy: Adrian Peterson back is a good thing for the offense: Yeah, it's a good thing. It would be stupid to say otherwise, even though he didn't have a good game Monday night.

Sell: Not using Adrian Peterson right after the blocked punt. So, we all agree Peterson's an asset, then why not use him right after that blocked punt? Look, it was a frenetic first five minutes to the game, and the defense got mauled. After a couple of key penalties, the defense holds, and SF lines up for a cheap field goal. It's blocked, and Marcus Sherels, who will be the only human to survive a zombie takeover, returns it deep into 49er territory. The Vikings, almost inexplicably, go with three straight passes, Bridgewater goes 0-3, and Blair Walsh goes farther right on his fg attempt than Rush Limbaugh. Momentum---gone.

Buy: Overall talent on this team: Look, it's easy to overreact in week one. Heck, I've done plenty of that myself in this post. But overall, the Vikings have a lot more talent on this roster than they did just two years ago. I still believe in this coaching staff, egg laying of tonight aside, and although there are concerns, there's atill a lot to like about this team.

Sell: Deactivating Stefon Diggs: For all the talent, the team was out of sync most of the night, and it felt like they needed a spark. And had they gotten a spark at the right time, it could have changed the feel and complexion of the game. With Adrian Peterson unable, and the Vikings unwilling to utilize Cordarrelle Patterson, who was last seen on the side of a milk carton outside of Coon Rapids, the Vikings had very few playmakers available to provide said spark. They tried a deep shot to Mike Wallace, but there aren't any guys outside of Wallace and CP that can take a quick pass, make a guy miss, and then take off. Would Diggs have made a difference? As out of sync as the offense was, it's hard to say yes, but then again, the kid has a special talent, and with him deactivated, we'll never know, will we?

Don Glover Quote of the Week:

Halftime, total crapfest going on...

"Son, I can't believe I stayed up for this. Go home, because I'm tired and I'd rather go to sleep than watch this horseshit. Call me in the morning and let me know what happened. I'm not too optimistic."

Neither were we, Dad. Neither were we.

So hey, welcome to 0-1. It reeks of mold and stale beer. I don't like it.