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Your Weekly Moment Of Zim Tzu: Lions Recap

He's more than a football coach, he's a warrior/poet that has a unique way with words.

Jesse Johnson-USA TODAY Sports

Hey, you. HEYYYY....some NSFW stuff follows. You won't be warned again--Ted

I've gotten a lot of emails since I started back here at DN* asking me how I became so wise in the ways of Rickspeak and Zim Tzu interpretation.**

*I have received no emails.

**Again, just so we're clear, I'm in no way wise-- I make it all up. Every word. Except, you know, the actual quotes from press conferences.

It all started, as most Penthouse Forum* stories do, a small college in the Midwest.**

*This is not a Penthouse Forum story. Most of you probably have no idea what Penthouse Forum is anymore. And I hate you for that.

**It was Ohio State. And this story is true. At least half. Maybe less. But maybe more. Potentially most of it.

When I was in college, I saw this gorgeous girl at the Student Union one day, and me being me and knowing I had no shot at her, I walked over to her and said hello. Because it would be a good story to tell my roommates, and they would buy me beer because they felt sorry that I got shot down again. Look, I was a beer whore in school, what do you want from me?

Anyways, after I said hello to her, a fairly remarkable thing happened--It was one of the few times in my life that I wasn't slapped, had a drink thrown in my face, or the police called on me, so I decided to play this out to see where it went. She told me she was taking some kind of interpretive dance class, and I asked her what the hell interpretive dance was. Sounded flaky, and a front for Bolshevism.

"Well," she said, " we dance to express our emotions or to tell a story. Or both."

Oh. Cool. Touchy-feely Bolshevism. That sounds stupid as shit, and she's probably a goddamn communist vegetarian, too. BUT...she hasn't out and out told me to get bent yet, sooo...

"Wow," I said. "Sounds fascinating. I'd like to see you perform sometime."

"You should. Maybe we could go out for a drink afterwards."

Inside voice: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

Outside voice: "Yeah, sounds great."

So I watch her troupe, or class, or whatever in the sweet eye bleeding Jesus they called themselves, and I hated it. Every second. It looked like half a dozen epileptics trying to...I dunno...metaphorically have intimate relations with some sort of cactus or cactii with some fucked up B movie karate moves. It was horrible, revolting, an hour of my life I'd never get back.

Of course afterward, she comes up and asks "So...what did you think?"

What did I think? I think I'd rather try and floss a Great White Shark than to sit through that Kabuki Dick Dance Theater again. I knew this question was coming, but I had nothing. I could make fun of her and her weirdo group, or I could just start flinging poo against the wall to see what stuck.

I just started throwing poo on the wall.

"It felt like you were trying to tell us how Man's inhumanity to nature to to their fellow man was going to destroy everything, unless we could all somehow come together and love each other"...or some kind of granola eating bullshit like that.

Her lip quivered..."oh my God, you UNDERSTAND! My former boyfriend was such a dick and just did nothing but made fun of me and how I was trying to express myself. This makes me so happy!"

And that, my friends, was the moment I realized I had a gift.* A gift I needed to hone, develop**, and eventually share with the world.***

* I have no gifts.

**I've done no honing or developing of this. Because as I just said...there is no gift to hone or develop.

***I just like to write stupid shit on a blog. I hope you enjoy it.

So Mike Zimmer speaks, and we interpret*, and we call it Zim Tzu. What Zimmer says in his weekly press conference is in quotes, and what he actually meant** is immediately below.

*I can barely speak English, much less interpret.

**Again, the lawyers have told me to avoid multiple violations of state and federal law--I reiterate this is all made up.

What Zim Tzu said: I thought we came out with a purpose. It was important for us to start fast this week. I thought we did that. We planned on taking the ball offensively but we lost the toss and they deferred, so we were kind of happy about that anyway. We went down and converted third downs, we went down and scored touchdowns. Defensively, I think the first series was a three or four and out, so that was good. I think our guys kind of played with a chip on their shoulder this week. The preparation was great, their demeanor was good all week in practice, and they practice good every week. I'm proud of how they came out and performed. There was a lot of things that we've got to clean up, we've got to do a lot better in a lot of different areas, but the physicality, the passion that we played with, the intensity that we played with, I think all of those things were very, very good.

What  Zim Tzu meant: We pretty much pantsed Detroit from the moment we took the field. Seriously, we couldn't even screw up the coin toss. We lose the toss, they give us the ball anyway, and we shove it down their throat. The Pissed Off Level this past week was what I would describe as 'Walking In On Your Wife With Your Best Friend And They Aren't Playing Spades', and we took it out on the LOLions.

Q: What stood out the most about the run defense?

What Zim Tzu said: They ran a couple of the same plays that we got the week before, we played them really, really good. We played with good technique, we got in the right place. I think we were intent on making sure that we did things correctly. I think the players did a good job this week and the coaches did a good job this week of getting back to some of the basics that we needed to do.

What Zim Tzu meant: Jim Caldwell is the coach the Lions deserve. They tried the same shit the 49ers tried, thinking we wouldn't make adjustments. Jim Caldwell can eat a rotten zombie dick, because we stonewalled his running game. Hopefully, this is now the norm.

Q: How do you keep your team playing with a chip on their shoulder coming off a win now instead of a loss?

What Zim Tzu said: That's a good point and hopefully when I talked to the team this morning, I mentioned to them about what good teams do and how we do it. I'll have a chip on my shoulder this week too.

What Zim Tzu meant: Fear. 100% unadulterated, piss your pants fear. But I fuckin' love these guys.

Q: You mentioned yesterday your conversation with Bill Parcells and "taking the cheese." Is that the common expression and how do you talk to the players along those lines?

What Zim Tzu said: I talked to them about that last night, but Coach [Parcells] actually called me last night too. It's a good week to be demanding, it's a good week to be demanding.

What Zim Tzu meant: WE COMIN' FOR YOU GREEN BAY! Cheese eating fuckers.

Q: What do you think of players drawing penalties after the whistle like what Matt Kalil did yesterday?

What Zim Tzu said: I don't want penalties obviously, but we are trying to build a physical, tough presence. I want our guys to finish blocks, we have to stop on the whistle, but I like the mentality of that part. Now, we've got to be smarter and stop on the whistle. He was trying to finish on that particular play. He was late and there was no question it was a penalty, but I like the mindset. I don't like the penalty, I like the mindset.

What Zim Tzu meant: Last year the toughest thing Matt Kalil did was flip a hat off of a heckler. THIS IS FUCKING GREAT I JUST DON'T WANT HIM TO GET CAUGHT NEXT TIME. I FUCKIN' LOVE THIS GUY.

Q: Do you think those hits on Matthew Stafford added up and took a toll on him?

What Zim Tzu said: I don't know, you'd have to check with him. We always want to hit the quarterback as many times as we can. If they're going to throw the ball all day, we want to hit him.

What Zim Tzu meant: LOL YEP, fuckin' loved it.

Q: Chad Greenway played a career low in snaps. How is he handling that transition of playing less?

What Zim Tzu said: He is handling it like a pro and we probably should have played him a little bit more last week, but I'm not going to worry about how guys think about how much they should play. My job is to get this football team to win. And some weeks, they get more plays and some weeks they get less plays. I'm not going to get into all that stuff with the players and I think they understand it and Chad is a professional. I love him and he's a great kid. He's a leader, he's a captain and I think he's enjoying his time. Would he like to play more? I'm sure he would but that's just the way it goes.

What Zim Tzu meant: This is where I say nice things about him and talk about his leadership, but i really don't care how he feels because we won. He'll suck it up and put on his big boy pants about it. But I fuckin' love that guy.

Q: Teddy Bridgewater said he's feeling more instinctual, has that been what you have been waiting for?

What Zim Tzu said: Yeah, there was a play in the game that kind of, what you're addressing now that happened, the headset went out and he called a play and it ended up being a first down, the play that he called. He kind of looked over at me and smiled. When that kind of stuff is going on then you feel like this kid is really starting to come along.

What Zim Tzu meant: Man, I fuckin' love that kid. He's like awesome, and stuff.

Oh, me and that girl? So we went out for dinner, she orders a salad, I order a cheeseburger. I get the 'you eat meat?' look of horror on her face. She rolls her eyes and shakes her head, I shrug my shoulders and call the waiter over.

"Make that a double cheeseburger, my man."

There was no second date. Fuckers.