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Your Weekly Moment Of Zim Tzu: It Won't Be Classy, San Diego

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The warrior poet/philosopher/football coach weekly press conference/carpet bombing of knowledge

Brad Rempel-USA TODAY Sports

Hey, buttercup--yes, you sitting there at your desk killing time and not being productive. There's some NSFW language ahead. Don't let your boss catch you--Ted

Now, I'm not there to witness it personally,* but does Mike Zimmer walk to the podium like this on Victory Monday?

McMahon Walk

Hell, I walk like that on Victory Monday, and I didn't even play or coach the game. If he doesn't, he should.

*This should be clue one that this is all made up and I have no earthly idea what I'm doing

The warrior poet/coach of the Minnesota Vikings met the press after the curb stomping of the San Diego Chargers, and he was in full Zim Tzu mode.

What is Zim Tzu? Zim Tzu is an attitude*, a punch you in the mouth outlook to life**, an ethos that winners embrace and losers shun.***

*The right attitude might actually be a requirement

**Don't punch anyone in the mouth, because you might get arrested. Unless you're a boxer or an MMA fighter. Or Pac Man Jones.

***there are no participation trophies given out in the World Of Zim Tzu, bitches

When Mike Zimmer speaks, you better listen. because the words he speaks have hidden meanings*, and they must be interpreted**. Interpreted for a full understanding of what this Visionary Renaissance Man is really trying to teach you.***

* I would be surprised as you if there's a hidden meaning

**It's in English; there's really no interpretation required

***There's really no hidden meaning. I just make up most everything. And by 'most everything', I mean every word. Except his actual quotes from the press conference. Those are legitimate. Everything else is as fake as professional wrestling. Consider this cheap, fictional, entertainment that's as real as Kaley Cuoco falling madly in love with you. She'd divorce you in under two years anyway.

As always, we pull some of the Q and A from Mike Zimmer's weekly press conference for interpretation. What Mike says is in quotes, and what he actually means is immediately below the actual quote*. Again, as always, hit the link in the first sentence of this paragraph to go to a full transcript of the press conference.

*My lawyer says I have to reinforce for one last time that Zim Tzu is all made up, kinda profane, and it's nowhere close to anything he actually means. Because some people are really stupid and are offended by everything and will use the tort system to try and rectify the fact they are miserable people who get butthurt at the drop of a hat. But I don't mean you personally, superstar. Fuckers.

What Zim Tzu said: Good afternoon. I think it was a really good team win yesterday. One of the things that we're trying to do - I think like Fran Tarkenton said about Mick Tingelhoff, he always put the team first - that's the mindset that I'm trying to get this football team to develop. We can win as a team if we do the right things, we play together as a team, we understand special teams is extremely important and the other two phases as well. Questions?

What Zim Tzu meant: We kicked so much ass yesterday, and that's because we play great as a team. St. Francis of Bloomington and the legendary Mick Tingelhoff were there to witness this beatdown, and they had to think it was a page right out the Purple People Eaters era. And hey, Blair Walsh didn't even suck donkey balls. It was a great day. Fuckers.

Q: Do you feel like your team is starting to establish a physical identity of what you want for this football team?

What Zim Tzu said: I do like the physical nature of our team the last couple of weeks. Football has been around so long and it always comes down to a physical game at the end. I want us to continue that way. I hope that that is our identity going forward, but we'll see. We've still got a long way to go.

What Zim Tzu meant: Yeah, I do. Look, this is simple Darwinism--you beat the shit out of enough people and you're King of the Fuckin' Hill. Football's been around forever, and for as long as it's been here, there have been three kinds of teams--the ones that kick the shit out of teams, the ones that get the shit kicked out of them, and the hapless Jacksonville Jaguars. Jesus, I'd just quit football if I ended up in that organization. Terrible. Oh, and this team? We're going to be the shit kickers, and not the shit kickees for once.

Q: How much of an effect does it have on the quarterback to consistently hit him the way your defense has?

What Zim Tzu said: You'd have to ask quarterbacks I guess. I think they speed up a little bit, I think they start throwing off their back foot a little bit. I think they feel getting hit, so I don't know. It's just kind of my mentality.

What Zim Tzu meant: They hear footsteps, see shadows, then BAAAAAAAAAM, next thing you know they're pissing themselves from fear and telling the backup QB DUDE I HURT MY LABIA YOU NEED TO PLAY IMMA CATCH THE REST OF THE GAME IN THE LOCKER ROOM. Go ask 'em, they'll tell you.

Q: How important is it for you guys to pressure Peyton Manning the way you've been pressuring quarterbacks lately?

What Zim Tzu said: He gets the ball out really quick. I played him in Dallas when they were 10-0 and we beat them, so there's a lot of different ways, he gets the ball out quickly. It may be a different plan this week, we'll just have to see.

What Zim Tzu meant: For a guy that's 64, Manning still has moves. Until he gets out of the pocket, then he moves like a snail wearing snowshoes. With an anchor in his pocket. If we get him outside the tackle trying to avoid the rush, we'll run him down like a pride of lions going after a wounded giraffe on the Serengeti Plain. Seriously, we're going to kill him if we get him outside the tackle. if not, he'll kill us. Gonna be ugly, either way.

Q: Do you think the Monday night loss against the 49ers changed the whole tone of this team?

What Zim Tzu said: I hate going back that far, but this team - and I said it that night - I didn't recognize that team. But this team that I see every day at practice, the OTAs, training camp, the things that we did, that's the team that I see. We have to go out and prove it on Sundays and that's what I tell these guys. We work really, really hard, we study, we prepare, but we only get 16 of these opportunities, and we have to prove it on Sundays. Everything that we do in this organization and this building with our players, it's for one day, and that's Sunday, that's why we do all of the stuff that we do. I hope that we continue on this path, but again, it's a long season and we'll just see where we go.

What Zim Tzu meant: Good God, this is worse than being married. HEY REMEMBER WHEN YOU REALLY REALLY FUCKED UP AND GOT INTO A FENDER BENDER WITH MY CAR 10 YEARS AGO LET'S DIG THAT UP SO I CAN PUNISH YOU FOR IT FOR THE REST OF YOUR DAMN LIFE. Let it go. We're getting good, San Francisco is a clown show. By the end of the season We'll look back on the 49ers game like an old girlfriend that got fat, lost her teeth, and is now living in a trailer with her 4th husband, who happen's to be fresh out of prison. And that loss will still piss us off. Fuckers.

Q: How do you feel Trae Waynes held up?

What Zim Tzu said: I thought he did well. I've been saying all along that he continues to get better every week. I felt like there was going to be an opportunity in the game this week, that he may end up playing some anyway. I didn't expect it under those circumstances, but he did good for his first real test under fire, I thought he did well.

What Zim Tzu meant: WHERE ARE THE HATERS NOW BITCHES! I SCOURED THE INTERNET AND ALL I COULD FIND WAS A LOT OF PEOPLE EATING SOME CROW. WAYNES KICKED ASS WOOOOOOOOOO SUCK IT RUUUUUUUUBES. FUCKERS.

Q: Did Xavier Rhodes suffer a concussion and was there any additional injury to his neck?

What Zim Tzu said: Yes.

What Zim Tzu meant: I wouldn't call it a concussion so much as I would call it purple on purple fratricide, because Andrew Sendejo damn near killed Rhodes. And after the game, I would've killed Sendejo, but when I told him to stand in front of me, he was like 10 feet out of position, like he was the whole game. Fucker. But Rhodes is doing good, because he's a stud, and he'll be fine. Because he's fuckin' awesome.

Q: Your team had fewer penalties this week. Was discipline something you were preaching going into last week?

What Zim Tzu said: Not more than any other week. We've been pretty good with the penalties for the most part usually. We try to do a good job with our hands and our hand placement and where we contact receivers and our targets on the quarterbacks, I think those have been pretty good. I know Everson [Griffen] had one the other day, a little late hit, but we're hitting the quarterback. We put a target on him, so we've been hitting them in the right place, so that helps. And then offensively, we're not having a lot of motion and movement penalties and things like that, which typically add to your numbers.

What Zim Tzu meant: Two words: Firewater drill. It fuckin' works. See you next week, people.