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Your Season Ending Zim Tzu: The Shanking

The Minnesota Vikings head coach/warrior poet dispenses his weekly words of wisdom

Brace Hemmelgarn-USA TODAY Sports

It wasn't supposed to end this way. This was supposed to continue, at least for another week, maybe more. It's tough to wrap your head around a loss like that, but wrap you must. You led a great insurrection that saw you conqueror of The North, but your destiny was robbed,* in one of the most unbelievable endings possible.** You realize that the words you speak are words of import, and how you address The Shank At The Bank will carry from now into eternity.***

*Actually, it was a very Vikings thing to happen, if we're being brutally honest

**In retrospect, it was soooooooo believable. The Lord Jesus could be the coach of this team and they would find another mind boggling way to lose a big game. I'm not even mad, actually. I'm amazed.

***Let's not kid ourselves, It's just a season ending press conference, not the Gettysburg Address or the I Have A Dream speech.

Why? because you are Zim Tzu, First Of His Name, Lord Of The Iron Range And Twin Cities, Usurper Of The Green, Disembowler of Giants, He Who Makes Bears Extinct, Grounder Of The Falcon, Vanquisher of the Raider Tribe, Hunter of the Ram, Eradicator Of Lions, Conqueror Of Chiefs, Controller Of Electricity, and Warden Of The North.

And now, you have one of the most difficult tasks a warrior poet has to do: rally his troops when things don't go as planned: You have no choice, no matter how painful this is. Because your words are verbal gold,* priceless in value,** but only able to be processed through filters lest your head melt like the Nazi in Raiders of the Lost Ark due to their immense power.***

*There is no such thing as verbal gold, except for the numbers for the billion dollar powerball.

**You get no money. But on your deathbed you'll receive total consciousness. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.

***Your head will not melt if you read this. You will not be smarter, mind you, and while we're at it, you really don't attain total consciousness on your deathbed. This is just swear words and jokes that have no redeemable value whatsoever, monetarily or socially.

That's where we come in. We don't want to be held liable if your head melts* when reading this priceless life advice,** so we'll help you out.***

*Really, your head won't melt. You might spontaneously combust, but that's a different issue entirely, and The Daily Norseman and SB Nation cannot be held liable if you just burst into flames for no reason. You probably had it coming, if we're being honest with ourselves.

**It's just a press conference. Can't emphasize enough that these words have as much value as clothes in a porn movie...or so I've heard

***This helps you in no way, shape, or form. At least I fervently hope it doesn't. This is more a cry for help from me. Probably. Maybe. Okay, it's not that, either. It's just a fun way to use Mike Zimmer's salty language in a fucking post without getting in any fucking trouble.

As always, we take excerpts of Mike Zimmer's weekly press conference and let you know what he really means.* Mike Zimmer's actual, real life words are in block quotes, and the hidden meaning immediately follows.**

*Can't emphasize enough that nothing of the sort occurs. It's just 100% made up bullshit

**Seriously, all fake. No kidding.

What Zim Tzu said: First, I want to thank all of you for your professionalism throughout the year - two years actually - and I appreciate you trying to do the best job you can and us working together the best we can. I also think it's been really a great two-year run at the University of Minnesota. There's a lot of people to thank for the coordinated effort that it has taken to do that. It's been good. It'll be different for me now because that's all I really know is going over there to that place, but hopefully we can get in the new stadium and get excited, but we've got a ton, a ton of work to do. I've been looking at a lot of different things already. It'll be a big, important offseason for us as far as moving forward to where we want to get to. We've got so much work to do and we've already started the process of some of it. Questions?

What Zim Tzu meant: Losing to the Seahawks sucks. Fuck. Loved the Bank, though. Gonna love the new stadium even more. Hey, anyone got the address to the new place so I can plug it into my fuckin' GPS?

Q: What is the schedule like for the coaches this week?

What Zim Tzu said: Well, we turn in evaluations on players, then we have meetings on each player and kind of figure out where we're going to go as far as start talking about unrestricted free agents, the players that we have here and kind of just do an in-depth self-evaluation.

What Zim Tzu meant: Doesn't matter. We should be game planning for the Cardinals. Fuckers.

Q: Do you want to bring Chad Greenway back next season and what did you think of his effectiveness this season?

What Zim Tzu said: I love Chad. I hope things work out for him. He's a great Viking. I sat and talked to him for a while yesterday. I think his leadership is immense in the locker room, especially with a young football team. I think he took active ownership in the role that he had this year, so I hope it works out. He's always going to be one of my kind of guys.

What Zim Tzu meant: Fuck yeah, I want him back. Then I want him to coach for me.

Q: What are some of the things you are looking at for next season?

What Zim Tzu said: Just the areas that we need to improve on. We've got to get better really in all three phases, but offensively we've got to get better; we didn't do enough there. Defensively, there's quite a few things that we still have to get better at that I'm not satisfied with. We gave up some returns in the kicking game that we have to get done. It's really at the starting point of right now.

What Zim Tzu meant: Super Bowl, homeboy.

Q: Do you plan on bringing in another quarterback to compete with Teddy Bridgewater?

What Zim Tzu said: I think that we always want to look to bring quarterbacks in. Not necessarily to compete with Teddy. Teddy is our quarterback, he's going to be our quarterback and there's no doubt about that going forward. But we're always going to be looking for quarterbacks. I think it's an important position that whether it be in the draft or free agency or wherever, that we continue to have guys at that position.

What Zim Tzu meant: LOL Nope. Shaun Hill gotta go, though.

Q: Do you like his desire to be willing to take on more responsibility in the offense?

What Zim Tzu said: Yeah, everything about Teddy I love. There's not one thing I don't love about this kid. He's got the right demeanor, the right heart, the right competitiveness and he's a worker. He makes quick decisions and so, we need to continue to move forward with him and keep going.

What Zim Tzu meant: Yeah, everything about Teddy I love. There's not one thing I don't love about this kid. He's got the right demeanor, the right heart, the right competitiveness and he's a worker. He makes quick decisions and so, we need to continue to move forward with him and keep going. So fucking glad we didn't get Manziel. So glad.

Q: How would you assess the offensive line as a whole this year?

What Zim Tzu said: Sporadic I would say. We've got to do better.

What Zim Tzu meant: LOL fucking terrible. Jesus it was painful to watch at times. I mean good God, the one armed drummer from Def Leppard could probably do just as well as some of these guys. As a matter of fact, I'm bringing that sumbitch in for a tryout.

Q: Which areas exceeded your expectations and which areas failed to meet your expectations?

What Zim Tzu said: I don't know. I have such high expectations that I don't think we exceeded expectations anywhere.

What Zim Tzu meant: Didn't win the Super Bowl, so everything and everyone pretty much sucks kangaroo balls. But the fact we're seriously talking about this team being a Super Bowl contender moving forward is pretty damn cool, not gonna lie.

Q: Have you talked to Blair Walsh yet? Can you gauge where he is at a couple days after the miss?

What Zim Tzu said: I talked to him in front of the team. I think our team handled it remarkably well, the things they said. And let me go back, I know people are giving me a hard time about saying he needed to make that kick, but if it would've been Kyle Rudolph in the endzone, I would've said he needed to make that catch, or if it would've been Xavier Rhodes, you need to knock that ball down. That's my expectations going back to that. I expect our guys to perform all of the time, but I thought our team handled it remarkably well. He wasn't on the field when we didn't cover the guy when [Russell] Wilson grabbed the ball and ran it and threw it down to the one-yard line. He wasn't on the field when we fumbled. There was a lot of other situations throughout the course of the ballgame. One play does not win or lose. Unfortunately for kickers, it's the finality of the situation. It happens and we had many, many opportunities to win the football game.

What Zim Tzu meant: I love you Blair, and without you we don't win the division. It's a team game, and the offense should have scored at least one if not two touchdowns, the defense should have not given up that stupid fucking fumble/what the fuck was that pass completion but FUCK FUCK FUCK HOW DID YOU MISS A 27 YARD FIELD GOAL SO WIDE FUCKING LEFT PEOPLE MISTOOK THAT BALL FOR FIDEL FUCKING CASTRO MAN THAT'S LIKE THE MOST VIKINGS THING EVER AND DOING SHIT LIKE THAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE A THING OF THE PAST. Fuck. Get 'em next year.

Q: What can Adrian Peterson do technique-wise to decrease his number of fumbles?

What Zim Tzu said: I do think, and I've talked to Adrian [Peterson] about it as well, I had a nice, long talk with him yesterday about things that I think he needs to do. I go back and I happened to be in the NFC East when Tiki Barber was a veteran guy and had a lot of fumbles and he worked extremely hard on holding the ball correctly and fixing that issue - Adrian can do that as well. Those are the kind of things that, trust me, I'm going to stay on his rear-end about it as well.

What Zim Tzu meant: Not fucking drop the ball. I swear to the five pound six ounce sweet baby Jesus I will use a goddamn nail gun to keep that football in his hands next year if I have to. Don't tempt me. Don't. Fuckers.

Q: Do you expect the coaching staff to remain the same?

What Zim Tzu said: I don't.

What Zim Tzu meant: Fuck no.

Q: Anybody that you can say now that you think will be missing?

What Zim Tzu said: Yes. I've not renewed the offensive line coach's contract.

What Zim Tzu meant: The offensive line was a tire fire wrapped within a train wreck surrounded by a chemical plant explosion.

Q: Why didn't you renew Jeff Davidson's contract?

What Zim Tzu said: I didn't want to.

What Zim Tzu meant: because this is America, and in America the powers that be have decided purposely ending the life of another human being is 'illegal', and I would go to prison.  So I can't so anything more than fire him. But trust me, if this were North Korea and he were a general, I would have taken him out back and executed him. With a fucking anti-aircraft gun. And to show I have no ill will towards Jeff, I've hooked him up with a sweet job in Manitowoc County, Wisconsin.

Q: After the game did you sleep at all or what was it like?

What Zim Tzu said: No I didn't. I went home and my mom cooked me spaghetti, had a little wine. Woke up at 4:00 a.m., like I always do and came to work. Just a creature of habit I guess, but no I didn't sleep very good. Disappointing. It was a tough day.

What Zim Tzu meant: Moms are awesome, and nothing beats Mom's cooking. It allowed me to get jackhammer drunk and break shit until like 4 in the morning. Fuck. If you'll excuse me, I need a damn drink. See you fuckers at the draft.