Hey: This has bad words. Sooooo many bad words. Don't read if you don't like. Ted
Before you become a ruler of an insurrection and a vast new empire, you have to be part of the Great Oppressed. At some point, you decide you're done getting your teeth kicked in and don't want to take anymore shit, and you take up arms, because you will no longer tolerate the status quo. Sometimes, those rebellions fail, and the names of the leaders of those rebellions are lost to history.
But your rebellion was destined to succeed, because you are Zim Tzu, First Of His Name, Lord Of The Iron Range And Twin Cities, Usurper Of The Green, Disembowler of Giants, He Who Makes Bears Extinct, Grounder Of The Falcon, Vanquisher of the Raider Tribe, Hunter of the Ram, Eradicator Of Lions, Conqueror Of Chiefs, Controller Of Electricity, and Warden Of The North.
You also know that you're the baddest man when you walk into a room. Whether it's a room of 10 or 100, you know you could down a gallon of bourbon with no ill effects,* go home with any woman in the room**, and wake up after three hours and conquer any territory you want.***
*Please don't drink a gallon of bourbon, as you would suffer many ill effects. Namely, you'll die.
**I have no idea if this is true. Some guys can do that, but most of us couldn't get laid if we walked into a Filipino whorehouse wearing a suit made out of $100 bills. And many of us are married, so that's not an option, either.
***Probably not, but Mike Zimmer is still better than you.
And because you have that mental and physical capacity that no mortal possesses, when you speak, your words are more than The Great Unwashed can comprehend, and so they must be interpreted so all can understand and benefit.
And that's where we enter the picture. We take those words of wisdom*, interpret them for you**, and it makes the world a better place for everyone.***
*They are words, but not of wisdom. More of jackassery.
**I just make shit up. Seriously, all of it. 100% fake, like Milli Vanilli music.
***Yeah, so here's the deal. This has zero effect on the world. I mean if it did and it gave us peace in the Middle East or something, that would be like really cool and stuff. But this is just a column of dick jokes, basically, that has no bearing on the overall happiness of the planet. I hope you laugh, but really, if this is something that makes your world a better place, I'm sorry, but I would rather be working in a third world sweatshop than have your life, as your life sucks in comparison to a Bangladeshi slave laborer.
Like always, we take excerpts of Mike Zimmer's Monday press conference and let you know what he's really thinking.* What Zimmer says is in quotes, and Zim Tzu immediately follows.
* We do no such thing. I completely make up everything from here on out, except for Zimmer's actual quotes. Seriously, this is 100% bullshit and con artistry, much like a Green Bay Packer piece of stock. Except we don't ask you to pay $300 to frame your stupidity and put it on the wall for the world to see. We give this to you for free.
What Zim Tzu said: I thought it was a good team win last night. Our guys fought; a lot of guys sucked it up, we had some guys hurt at the end. We were gassed, we had a couple guys throw up on the sideline they were so out of juice. But we played with a lot of fortitude, toughness. Made enough plays to win the football game. I'm proud of the football team. Players win games, coaches don't win games. These guys played good all year long so that's why we've got 11 wins, because these guys go out and make plays.
What Zim Tzu meant: NFC North champions, bitches. Suck it Green Bay. Suck it Chicago. LOL Detroit. KISS THE RING AND THEN KISS MY ASS BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! OH AND DID I SAY SUCK IT GREEN BAY? WE DANCED ON YOUR GRAVE IN YOUR HOUSE HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT BABY?
Q: On the final Hail-Mary play, is that something you work on with your players, knowing where to go, or do those guys just understand the situation? Anthony Barr wound up in the end zone where you needed him to be.
What Zim Tzu said: That was one of the most impressive things to me of the night. As soon as the play before was over, and it was going eight, six, five, whatever it was, they took off and went back to the endzone. They knew it was the last play. I was going to call timeout if the clock wasn't going to run out, I thought the clock ran out so I didn't get it called. But I was going to call a timeout to make sure we got set up the right way. But yes, we work on that.
What Zim Tzu meant: This isn't Detroit, man, we know how to fuckin' cover a Hail Mary.
Q: Did it look like the clock hit zero to you when they snapped the ball?
What Zim Tzu said: I'm looking at the clock, I'm looking at the quarterback. It's hard for me to tell.
What Zim Tzu meant: Yes. But it's His Holiness and Green Bay, so I knew they'd get another play. I'm surprised that Roger Goodell didn't call the stadium and award them a touchdown for the incompletion, if we're being completely honest with each other. Fuckin' Second Place Green Bay.
Q: You have a lot of work to do obviously with such a short turn-around but did you get a chance to savor the victory?
What Zim Tzu said: There was a few hugs in the locker room. That's about it. We came back and went to work just like a normal week.
What Zim Tzu meant: I shotgunned a few beers after the game, but look man, I'm like 58 years old and I got the Seahawks coming to town. I developed a pretty good relationship with Johnny Manziel during the draft process, and I said 'Johnny, go to fuckin' Vegas and party for me. But wear a wig though.' Stupid fucker did, too. Man, I'm glad we didn't listen to the morons who were on the Manziel train.
Q: When they started to make those charges late in the fourth quarter offensively, what goes through your mind as a defensive play caller?
What Zim Tzu said: That's a good question. I think every situation is different. The guys you're playing against, the quarterback obviously, but we tried to stay aggressive. I think we did a good job of when it got down in there, we played a little bit more coverage which took away some of their throws they were trying to make. Everson [Griffen] made an unbelievable sack on that one - great effort play. And there was a lot of that going on, there was a lot of great-effort things last night.
What Zim Tzu meant: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKKKK heeeeeeeere we go. Yeah, that's what I was thinking.
Q: You talked to us about the team being deserving of this opportunity. Can you expand on that?
What Zim Tzu said: Well, they've done everything I've asked them to do all year and we've won games. We were 10 and 5 going into the ballgame. People say who we beat or who we didn't beat or how we did this or how we did that, we deserved to do be in that position. We earned the right to play for the division title. The way we've played this year, it's not surprising to me. We've played good all year long.
What Zim Tzu meant: No one thinks this team is any good. We're 11-5. You want to call us the worst 11-5 team in history, fine. Beats being the best 8-8 team in history and not going to the fucking playoffs. This is a good team that earned the third seed in the NFC. If you don't like it, win 12 games. What's that, you didn't? Fuck you, then. Enjoy your tee time.
Q: Given how long it took you to get to the position you're in today, getting the reigns of the team, how much personal satisfaction is there for you getting to the playoffs your second year?
What Zim Tzu said: I hope this is just a step, honestly. I don't want this to be the defining moment of my career, for sure. I hope that there's a lot more on the horizon. I hope that there's a lot more things to accomplish. I've been blessed with a lot of good coaches, been with a lot of good coaches, got a lot of good coaches here. And as I said before, players win games.
What Zim Tzu meant: Super Bowl, homeboy.
Q: Can you take us through your thought process at the end of the first half? You guys went for the fake punt earlier and you also gambled on fourth down. You guys tried drawing them offsides and ended up punting.
What Zim Tzu said: Yeah, I screwed it up to be honest with you. It was 4th down and I knew we couldn't clock the ball and I wanted to see where it was. I should have just let the clock run out.
What Zim Tzu meant: I asked myself 'hey, what the fuck would Leslie Frazier or Brad Childress do right now', and did it. Yeah, it was fucking stupid. No, I won't do it again. Promise.
Q: You mentioned last week that ever since the Seattle game the team's mentality has changed, what makes you think that?
What Zim Tzu said: I think you can just tell how we're playing. I think if you watch us play, without getting too specific, but if you went back and watched the Arizona, Chicago, Giants and last night - I think it just looks different to me.
What Zim Tzu meant: Look me in the eyes. I said fucking look at me. Listen carefully--we are not the 'same old goddamn' Vikings anymore, do you understand me? We're not going to beat ourselves, and we're not going to quit playing at the 59 minute mark. We're coming to kick your ass for 60 fucking minutes, and if you beat us, it won't be because we gave it to you on a silver platter. How do I know that? Our right handed quarterback THREW THE GODDAMN BALL LEFT HANDED, it was intercepted, and it didn't cost us the game. Get on the bandwagon or go the fuck home.
Q: What do you think caused that?
What Zim Tzu said: I think they've figured out how they have to play. We have to be a team that plays like that. We haven't earned anything, really, we have to go out and take it.
What Zim Tzu meant: Me. See you next week, when it's time to talk divisional playoffs and the next poor sons of bitches we're going to beat senseless.