Complacency. That's a word you despise, a word you abhor, a word that is your mortal enemy. Complacency has no place in your life, and it is something you seek to destroy at every opportunity. Much like the football teams you play. Complacency is for the weak, the bloggers who spew their vile in their underwear from Mom's basement, and the Green Bay Packers. You seek out and destroy complacency wherever you see it, much like the Kardashian family snuffs out good taste and decorum at every turn.
And that's what the Houston Texans represented this past Sunday. A trap game, one that trips up complacent teams. Teams that think they're better than they are. But you won't let complacency creep into your team, or in to your psyche.
For you are Zim Tzu: High Septon Of Mankato, Eviscerator of Titans, Maître Fromager, Spinner of the Charlotte Web, Beanstalk Chopper, He Who Implodes The Lone Star, and Warden Of The North.
When you need discuss the latest mauling like a lion eating a gazelle on the Serengeti, you need to do it in a way that doesn't offend the senses, because this is America, damn it, and we need safe spaces from your fucking trigger words.
Oops. My bad.
So, we here at The Daily Norseman would like to offer you our services, free of charge.* We will take what Mike Zimmer says in his weekly Monday/Tuesday press conference, translate it for you,** and give you the true meaning of those words, unfiltered and fresh,*** much like that homemade beer you have percolating somewhere in your basement right now.
* We provide no service at all. As a matter of fact, we legitimately waste the precious oxygen resource on this planet by breathing, and give you nothing in return. We're basically killing you and destroying the planet with this piece of satire. You're welcome, World.
**I just add swear words and stupid jokes. Literally. Killing. You. Nothing. Redeeming.
***Just like no one wants to hear about your fantasy team, no one really wants to try your homemade beer, because 99% of homemade brew literally tastes like shit. Including mine. But my fantasy team, though...
Hey, it might taste like panther piss when it's fermented, but By God it's raw and real.* Much like Zim Tzu.** As always, what Coach Zimmer literally says will be in block quotes, and what he literally means will be immediately below.***
*Seriously, I made beer once from one of those home brew kits. Worst shit I ever had. Gross, man. Much like Clay Matthews' greasy ass hair.
**This is so fake.
***We do use his actual presser quotes. Everything else is fake and made up. Like Roger Goodell's method of fining and suspending players.
What Zim Tzu said: After watching the tape, I thought it was a good team win yesterday. I thought all three phases played efficiently. The punt return that we had was a big play in the ball game. We a great job on third downs, really on both sides of the ball. The more we continue to get first downs offensively, I think that helps us to control the time of possession, get a chance to score. (Sam) Bradford played very well yesterday. Made some really good throws. The offensive line is still a work in progress in some things. We'll have to get better there. We'll have to get some more efficient runs than what we had, that'll be our focus going into next week during the bye. I think defensively we played the run pretty well and that allowed us to rush the quarterback and play a little bit more coverage and some things. Usually when you can do that, it bodes well for the rest of the game.
What Zim Tzu meant: Holy shit we knocked the piss right outta Houston, from the first snap to the last, we just kinda skullfucked them. And by kinda, I mean we totally skullfucked them. Offensive line kinda sucks, though.
Q: What do you think is going on with TJ Clemmings and his struggles?
What Zim Tzu said: A lot of times during the game he played well. He'll have five just crazy things he does. He sets too wide, he lunges with his hands, he gets beat quickly. So, we have to get that fixed.
What Zim Tzu meant: T.J. was moving around so much it looked like he was auditioning for a goddamn spot on Dancing With The Stars. Only he can't dance and he's not a star. Clowney made him pirouette like a sumbitch though, didn't he?
Q: Was that what happened on the play that almost ended in a safety?
What Zim Tzu said: Yes, he lunged at him and tried to punch, got off balance and the guy beat him.
What Zim Tzu meant: And by 'got off balance', I mean Clowney rolled over him like Eddie Lacy going for the last eggroll at the Chinese Buffet. Holy Christ no one wants to be the guy between Lacy and the eggroll...unless you tell him the eggroll is a football, and it's like 3rd and four. He won't do shit then, AMIRITE? Man, I like eggrolls.
Q: What do you do during the bye week?
What Zim Tzu said: With the coaches we're doing a five-game study of our cut-ups of different areas-Red zone, short yardage, two-minute, third downs, the run game, first downs, play-actions, and the first and second down drop backs. Trying to just see what we're doing good. What kind of tendencies we have. What we need to do better. What we need to change. Things like that.
What Zim Tzu meant: We will not sleep. We will get even better. And we will kill everything in our path upon our return. If you're not scared, you better be. Because we are going to drink from your skull. Things like that. Skol, baby.
Q: What is the update on Andre Smith?
What Zim Tzu said: He's going to have surgery tomorrow.
What Zim Tzu meant: He's fucked.
Q: Will he be put on Injured Reserve?
What Zim Tzu said: Yes.
What Zim Tzu meant: Fuck outta here with all these hurt o-linemen.
Q: Will you bring in a veteran?
What Zim Tzu said: We're looking at all those things, yeah.
What Zim Tzu meant: Yeah, we're gonna have to. I went to the 7-eleven in Bloomington, but all they had there were cover-2 cornerbacks, so we're going to have to do something.
Q: Do you think there is a chance Mike Harris plays this year?
What Zim Tzu said: Doesn't look like it, I don't know.
What Zim Tzu meant: Let me break character here for a moment and wish Mike Harris well. Hope to see you on the football field soon, and whatever it is you're battling, kick it's ass.
Q: Is Andre's surgery on his tricep?
What Zim Tzu said: Yes.
What Zim Tzu meant: Breast reduction, and that's a damn shame. I MEAN LOOK AT THOSE SUGARY TITS FLAPPING IN THE BREEZE MAN!
Q: How do you explain how your offense keeps getting better even though you seem to lose a starter to injury every week?
What Zim Tzu said: Well, I don't know about getting better but they fight. I think Tony (Sparano) does a good job, really all of our offensive coaches do a good job. It helps Bradford has been getting the ball out quick. He's done that all along since he's been here. That helps. We're finding different guys to do different things to try and keep the things going. That's just part of it. You've got to give a lot of credit to our players. Zac Kerin came in there after six plays the other day and played well. [Jeremiah] Sirles went out to right tackle and played well this week. The thing that I like about this football team is they prepare, they study, they get ready to go play. They take this stuff serious so during the week when we get going these guys they're all into trying to get better. We actually were going to use Kerin, we had an extra offensive line package in there and we were going to use him as the tight end. When [Brandon] Fusco went out, he had to go to guard so [Nick] Easton ended up having to go to the extra tight end. Well, he was prepared to do it and late in the ball game and on the goal line and some things, he did a nice job. But, it was all about his preparation and really the team's preparation.
What Zim Tzu meant: Zoodoo, man. It's like voodoo, but better. Zoo. Doo.
Q: What do you like in Sam Bradford?
What Zim Tzu said: Well, he's really accuarate, number one. And he knows where to go with the ball the majority of times. I think there was one time yesterday where he probably should have went to the other side of the field. He's quick getting the ball out. We've got to protect him better. We don't want our guy taking those kind of shots. One of them was a game up front that we missed. He got rocked pretty good on that but he made a great throw to Jarius (Wright) on the third down play. I think he just has a good feel for... maybe the word is throwing the guys open. Leading them to the right spot. He knows he's going to get hit, but he's going to stand in there and take it. He's a tough guy.
What Zim Tzu meant: He's like a Timex, he takes a licking and keeps on ticking. And he's balls on accurate. But I swear to God if one of our offensive linemen get him hurt I'm sending them on a one way trip to Antarctica with nothing but a fucking swim suit with instructions to avoid the fucking penguins, jump in, and start swimming. If they make it home, I won't kill them.
Q: On that stunt with Whitney Mercilus where he came through on Bradford, was there something in protection that got missed there?
What Zim Tzu said: It was a pass off, and we kind of got hammered in the middle. The guy knocked us off. So, we weren't able to go back to it.
What Zim Tzu meant: Yeah, they missed what we call in the business a fucking block. God as my witness, Antarctica. Fucking. Antarctica.
Q: Do you think you guys will be able to sustain this success you've had, even if the offensive line continue to be up and down?
What Zim Tzu said: I don't know. We're just trying to win one game at a time. I don't know how much ... I'm not going to worry about sustaining [success] for a long time. Each week, we're just trying to win one game, figure out how to beat this team we're playing and find a way with the guys we have, figure out defensively how we can beat the team. Hopefully special teams continues to play good.
What Zim Tzu meant: Yuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup.
Q: Were the direct snaps to Jerick McKinnon designed to give Sam Bradford a break?
What Zim Tzu said: No, we just wanted to get him out of the way. No, it didn't have anything to do with that.
What Zim Tzu meant: They were literally designed to do that. I had everything to do with that.
Q: Is Jake Long coming in for a work out?
What Zim Tzu said: He worked out this morning, yeah.
What Zim Tzu meant: Yes.
Q: Do you anticipate him signing?
What Zim Tzu said: I don't know. We'll see. If we sign somebody, we'll let you know.
What Zim Tzu meant: Yes. I mean who else are we going to get? Bryant McKinnie? He probably weighs more than the Sun now.
Q: Do you think you have the ability to play zone is because you play so well at the cornerback position?
What Zim Tzu said: In this ball game we covered very well. Xavier (Rhodes) played good. Terence (Newman) probably played the best game he's played this year. When Trae (Waynes) was in there he covered really, really well. Captain (Munnerlyn) played well in the slot. He got beat on one route and there were a couple of other short ones where the guy caught the ball on him. The safeties played good. I think the whole defensive back group played good in this ball game. The thing I like is that we're playing tight in coverage, we're challenging the receivers, and we're being aggressive. We got double-moved around four or five times in that ball game and we covered it well. So, those guys are doing a good job and Jerry Gray is doing a great job preparing them. You know, getting them to understand the plays they're going to get out of certain formations in down-and-distance and things like that and technique-wise as well.
What Zim Tzu meant: Don't need to. We cover receivers in man to man like misery envelops the Browns. Zone sucks. Cover-2 zone really fucking sucks. Man to man with a tight bump and run gets my dick hard.
Q: Early on in the season a lot of people started to write you off due to the injuries and kind of used that as motivation, is it different now since you're the only undefeated team left?
What Zim Tzu said: Well first of all, I don't our team ever thought of us as being written off. Maybe other people did, but I don't think our team did. I don't think our defensive players did. I don't think anybody on our team really did. But, this team has kind of a bull's-eye sight with them. They just want to focus on what we have to do to win this particular ball game. In my opinion, they have not thought about three games down the road or who we play. I know everybody was asking me about the Bye Week and I think we played about as good of a game as we've played this year the other day. So, they weren't focused on going fishing or doing those things. They were focused on the task at hand. That's one of things I really appreciate about this team. These guys when they come into the building they grind in the meeting rooms, they listen to what I tell them, they study. There's still a lot of things that we have to clean up and get better at, but they try. When they come out to practice they have fun, but they really work, too. So, I think all of this is just about the singleness of the purpose at hand.
What Zim Tzu meant: How do you like us now, fuckers? See you after the bye.