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Your Moment Of Zim Tzu: Phunkadelphia

The Vikings warrior poet/head coach dispenses his profane words of wisdom.

Brace Hemmelgarn-USA TODAY Sports

Rage.

That's not a word or emotion a warrior poet takes lightly. It's an emotion that if channeled properly can be used effectively, but if allowed to go unchecked leads to one's own destruction. Rage most assuredly didn't overcome the Vikings in Philadelphia did so much as incompetence did...but in the aftermath of the Letdown at the Linc rage is what consumed Mike Zimmer.

[ED NOTE: Also, if you're a fan of The Walking Dead, don't read the first paragraphs that has asterisks, or the asterisks, because I give away a spolier. And rage is what you will feel if you haven't seen it yet. Also, bad language warning.]

And the warrior poet harnessed it, allowed to to grow into a fireball of genius on Monday, and will use it to light a fire under the asses of the Minnesota Vikings next Monday in Chicago. And it is a fire that will metaphorically burn Chicago to the ground once again, if Cubs rioters haven't already done so. Because there is nothing Mike Zimmer can't harness and ultimately use to his advantage. Not. A. Fucking. Thing.

Because he is Zim Tzu: High Septon Of Mankato, Eviscerator of Titans, Maître Fromager, Spinner of the Charlotte Web, Beanstalk Chopper, He Who Implodes The Lone Star, and Warden Of The North.

And speaking in front of the Great Unwashed Poletariat of the Free Press is the ultimate in rage control, as the questions they ask make you want to snap necks and go all Negan on Glenn. But you can't. You must harness that rage, focus it like a laser, and aim it at your next opponent.

And that's where we come in, The Greatest Blog In The History Of The World.* We take your rage, and unleash it for you.** We are Negan, we wield the baseball bat, and we give you some eye popping results.***

*Maybe a slight bit of hyperbole here

**We really don't as we have undergone no formal training to do this. Is there formal training to do this?

***I don't watch The Walking Dead so if you just read a spoiler HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA not sorry because this was a good joke and I warned you up top.

So what do we do in the channeling of rage?* It's quite simple, really.** We take Mike Zimmer's weekly day after the game press conference and interpret the true meaning of words that come out of his clenched jaws.***

*This is a rhetorical question as we literally do nothing.

**Writing sophomoric jokes is actually hard, man.

***We literally do nothing close to that. It's just all made up, stupid shit. I'm stunned it's as popular as it is, tbh.

As always, Zimmer's literal answer to questions posed by the local press are in block quotes, and the interpretation immediately follows.

What Zim Tzu said: Well after watching the tape, I don't feel a whole lot differently than I did yesterday, but I can clarify a couple things. Part of it was some of the things that we did do that were so uncharacteristic in this ball game. Things that we've worked on for three years since I've been here. Trying to be a smart football team. We jump offsides inside the five-yard line. We get the ball first-and-goal on the two. We get first-and-goal on the eight. We have first-and-10 on the 17 and I think we came away with three points and an interception. We don't go out of bounds twice with two different people in two-minute drill. Let's see what else was there. There were so many of these things that were so uncharacteristic of our football team that was really disappointing to me. But the thing that I admire about the good teams is whether they win by 50 or they get beat by 50, they move on and they get ready to go. We'll work hard on correcting mistakes. We'll work hard on getting people in the right place and doing the right things. Try to do a better job as coaches as well.

What Zim Tzu meant: Still really fucking pissed off. I've been kicking these fuckers in the ass for three years to get rid of the old mindset, and they fucking take a bath in it for three goddamn hours on Sunday. We fucked up on the goal line, the defense gives us the ball in Philly territory three times and instead of scoring all we get is some kind of football herpes, and holy fuck we can't even run out of bounds. What a shit show. Thank God for the slumpbuster this Monday Chicago.

Q: What happened on the kick return touchdown?

What Zim Tzu said: Well, one guy was getting double-teamed and he didn't fight back into the double team, he took the easy way. Then one of the guys that was going to the ball got tripped and fell down. Then we had a poor effort on the other side. I'll address those issues as well.

What Zim Tzu meant: One guy went to 7-11 and got a fucking slurpee, another slapdick got tackled by the turf, and that meant the only thing between Philly and a TD was Blair Walsh and holy fuck Blair did a nice spin move to get out of his way. I thought for a second it was the Winter Olympics and I was watching Scott Hamilton do a triple fucking axel. I gave him a nine on the routine, but the East German judge downgraded him and fucked him out of a medal. Fucking East Germans, they're worse than Philly sports fans.

Q: Did any of the guys that you mixed in for Andrew Sendejo and Jayron Kearse factor into that?

What Zim Tzu said: No, not really.

What Zim Tzu meant: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...yes, yes they did. Fuckers.

Q: What can you do to help out the offensive line?

What Zim Tzu said: Yeah, we need to. We need to. We didn't do a good enough job in that way.

What Zim Tzu meant: Fuck if I know. I'm thinking claymores right now, but I'm pretty sure T.J Clemmings would point his at Sam and literally get him killed. But I mean fuck, he's going to get him killed at some point, so I say why not speed up the process?

Q: Is it about the scheme or guys needing to play better?

What Zim Tzu said: Yes, we need to do a better job.

What Zim Tzu meant: Yes. Both suck right now. Immensely.

Q: Do you wish you had given more tight end help?

What Zim Tzu said: I wish we would have done some things differently, yes.

What Zim Tzu meant: Well let me shit in your left hand and wish in your right hand. Guess what fills up first? Shit. Which is what this offensive line is now. Now, throw it against the wall and let's see what we come up with.

Q: Is it difficult to continue having a tough mentality after a performance like that?

What Zim Tzu said: I'm not worried about this team's mentality. We had a pretty tough loss at San Francisco last year and we fought back. I'm anxious to see the determination that this team has going forward. You never know, every team is different. I think I have a pretty good feeling on these players, typically, and with this football team.

What Zim Tzu meant: Look, the loss in Philly sucks, but it's not the end of the fucking world, you chicken littles. We're 5-1. We had a bad day, but we'll be okay. So calm the fuck down.

Q: Can you do anything else personnel-wise with the offensive line?

What Zim Tzu said: Yeah, there's a lot of things we can do. But we go back, there's some other things that happened in the pass protection, too. One back got run over by the safety, he got beat. Another back missed two pick-ups in the ball game. We didn't get the protection turned the right way a couple times. There was a lot of different things that happened throughout the course of the game. Those are the things that as much as I'm upset about the performance, I'm upset about as well. The things that we didn't do right. I pride myself in knowing protections so I've got a pretty good idea on protections and how to help things. So we're going to see what we can do.

What Zim Tzu meant: LOLNOPE what you see is what you got.

Q: But can you make any personnel moves to help the situation?

What Zim Tzu said: Yeah, I understand exactly what you meant. I understand. We're going to look at all options and go from there.

What Zim Tzu meant: Did I fucking stutter?

Q: How much of the pressure do you just chalk up to being beat by a superior matchup?

What Zim Tzu said: Some. We got beat. Guys got beat one on one several times, I guess, both sides. T.J. [Clemmings] actually played better on the left than he did on the right. Jeremiah [Sirles] got beat a few times by 55 [Brandon Graham] and 51 [Steven Means]. [Jake] Long got beat when he was on the left, twice I believe. Inside, we kind of protected pretty good for the most part. [Alex] Boone got beat one time, I think, because he tried to jump a guy. That was the other thing. We got a 15-yard penalty from saying something to the referee. Those are all dumb things. We did several dumb things in this football game that we characteristically [don't do]. We kind of pride ourselves on being a smart football team, and we did not do a lot of smart things in this game. So, that's why I was as upset as I was.

What Zim Tzu meant: Life is tough for a quarterback in the NFL. It's a lot tougher if his line is stupid for three straight hours on Sunday.

Q: What do you attribute those things to? Is there anything you have been able to figure out?

What Zim Tzu said: Some of it is guys pressing. I talked to Adam [Thielen] there on the sideline, and he said, ‘I'm trying to score a touchdown.' Well, the guy has got you around both arms and both legs, and you're two inches from out of bounds. He said, ‘I've got it coach. It was dumb.' So, this team typically knows when they make mistakes and they've been told things to do. I don't know.

What Zim Tzu meant: Well, for our team meal on Saturday night, we had quite a nice buffet spread. But apparently the only thing everyone went back for seconds on was a big helping of dumbass, because that's how we played. Fuck, I don't know. I guess we'll quit serving dumbass on Saturday night. But not the blueberry pie. That shit was awesome. So was the beef. Delicious.

Q: Is one of the options maybe to have more blockers on the field offensively?

What Zim Tzu said: That's a possibility.

What Zim Tzu meant: I've approached the NFL and asked them about us having 11 linemen on the field, and then our original complement of running backs, receivers, and a quarterback. They'll probably say no, because Roger Goodell is a rotting Zebra placenta. Fuck that guy.

Q: It seemed like Sam Bradford had been pretty good in the face of pressure before. Is there more he could have done or that you'd like to see going forward from him to cut down the pressure?

What Zim Tzu said: Well, yeah. It's a whole bunch of things offensively that we didn't do good. Everybody's saying how I said it was the offensive line. I said the offense in general was not very good. Some of it was getting the protection turned the right way. Some of it was getting beat one on one. Sometimes it was not getting the ball out. It looked like he made a bad throw on the over route to [Stefon] Diggs. Well, Diggs was 10 yards short on the route. So, that's what I'm saying. It was a combination of things offensively that irritated me more so than just one particular thing or just the offensive line. We have to get better in every area offensively.

What Zim Tzu meant: Well, yeah. As an offense we could have done literally everything better. Literally. Everything.

Q: Not just with this game, but with all of his work so far this year with Sam Bradford, is he a little slow to start with is accuracy?

What Zim Tzu said: I don't know. I'm not too Pro Football Focus-y in that way. I just see what he does and check the game out. I don't know.

What Zim Tzu meant: Fuck outta here with your PFF bullshit. We're 5-1. Break that down, nerds.

Q: Was there a tackle combination that's any better than any of the others you were rotating in there?

What Zim Tzu said: Not particularly.

What Zim Tzu meant: No. But that's because Ron Yary is in his 60's and Todd Steussie has been retired for a long time. And Harambe was murdered. Spoons out for Harambe.

Q: How do you think Jake Long overall?

What Zim Tzu said: I thought he was rusty, but I knew he'd be rusty going into the ball game. He has been in pads one time in a year. So, part of it was to get him some plays in there, because he had one day of pads this week, and we knew he'd be a little bit rusty. So, it's just the way it goes.

What Zim Tzu meant: He sucked. Fuck Michigan.

Q: Do you still hope to work him in though?

What Zim Tzu said: Yeah, we'll see. We're trying to figure out everything right now. This is a gut-check day.

What Zim Tzu meant: You better buckle up and grab your nuts gentlemen, because it is time to unfuck your shit.

Q: What gives you the confidence that you can fix it?

What Zim Tzu said: Well the confidence I don't know, but I do have faith in this football team. Obviously, faith is belief without proof. So, right now I don't any proof, so I have to have faith that we'll get it done and I think we will. But, until we prove it, it's just throwing stuff against the wall.

What Zim Tzu meant: Well the confidence I don't know, but I do have faith in this football team. Obviously, faith is belief without proof. So, right now I don't any proof, so I have to have faith that we'll get it done and I think we will. But, until we prove it, it's just throwing stuff against the wall. (No this is not a typo. It's a great quote that stands on it's own).

Q: What's the update on Andrew Sendejo?

What Zim Tzu said: He's day-to-day. So, we should be alright.

What Zim Tzu meant: He finally doesn't suck and then he gets hurt because of course he does.

Q: What were your impressions of Jayron Kearse after watching the film?

What Zim Tzu said: He was average.

What Zim Tzu meant: He impersonated a safety in the NFL. He sucked.

Q: What about the run blocking?

What Zim Tzu said: That was better for the most part. We got on guys pretty good. There were a couple of things like the point of attack, but for the most part we got on guys pretty good.

What Zim Tzu meant: I've spent the whole press conference tearing them down so this is where I build them back up: it sucked, but sucked less than pass protection.

Q: What happened in the short yardage situations?

What Zim Tzu said: Well the first one, the third-and-two inches, I was trying to get a measurement and I think that kind of messed them up. We got knocked back a little bit toward the outside of it and they kind of caved us down. That basically happened on the second one too. It wasn't all the offensive line. We jumped off sides on first-and-goal on the two. Those were all dumb plays. That's what I'm saying about uncharacteristic things we did in this ball game.

What Zim Tzu meant: We are normally the ass kickers. We were the ass kickees. It sucked.

Q: Are you going to approach the week differently following the loss?

What Zim Tzu said: We're going to change some things up this week, yes. They don't know it yet, so we'll just let them figure it out.

What Zim Tzu meant: YOU TELL 'EM I'M COMING AND HELL'S COMING WITH ME, YOU HEAR?? HELL'S COMING WITH ME!!!!