When you're a warrior poet, you know one of the keys to victory is one that a lot of people overlook--psychological operations. When you can get inside an opponent's head that's covered by Ramen noodles, you make your job easier, and victory that much more attainable.
Because you live for victories, and don't stomach defeat. You will do everything in your power to put your opponent at a competitive disadvantage, and if that means trying to make him cry on national television, you'll do that, too. Because you are Zim Tzu: High Septon Of Mankato, Eviscerator of Titans, Maître Fromager, Spinner of the Charlotte Web, Beanstalk Chopper, and Warden Of The North.
And when you talk about making opponents cry, you can't do it in your no bullshit, no nonsense manner. Well I mean, you're Zim Tzu, and you can pretty much do what you want, but you don't want to be fined by that pinhead Roger Goodell, so you have you use your verbal judo skills to tell us what you mean without telling us what you mean. Because Roger Goodell and his Magical Spinning Wheel Of Bullshit and Arbitrary System of Fines And Suspensions makes about as much sense as a fucking BronyCon. [ED note: seriously, I just heard about these things, where grown adults dress up as My Little Pony characters and go to conventions. It's more terrifying than being stuck in Green Bay for more than two hours. Also, Aaron Rodgers is a Brony. I would bet money he is.]
And as the Officially Licensed Interpreter Of Zim Tzu*, this is where we come in** to make life simpler for you.***
*There's no officially licensed anything. Although sometimes I think it wouldn't be a bad idea, because if I could make money doing this it might be the best thing ever the next time my Dad tells me about excessive profanity never paying off.
**And by coming in, I mean I hope I can sucker you in to waste part of your day reading this nonsensical bullshit
***This simplifies nothing.
We take Zimmer's weekly Monday/Tuesday press conference*, run it through the Fuckyougronifier,** and when it comes out on the other end we have what Mike Zimmer really said,*** if he could use swear words.
*We really do use his actual press conference quotes the day after games. It's the only thing that's legitimate in this whole piece.
**Look, you've seen Zimmer swear a lot. I'm just using it as top cover to write a lot of bad words and not get in trouble. Also, there is no such thing as as....whatever the hell that made up word is I wrote up above.
***Again, completely made up bullshit on my part. What Zimmer actually said during his presser is in block quotes, the not even close to authentic interpretation immediately follows.
What Zim Tzu said: A lot of the same things from last night. Obviously, since I talk to you guys about every 12 hours. I thought the offense was efficient last night. We did a nice job on third downs. We took good care of the football. Defensively, we did a nice job not giving up big plays other than the one screen. We're going to have to get better, we missed some tackles the last two ball games to give up big plays that we have to correct or it's going to end up costing us. We've got to do better there. It was nice to see the offense score touchdowns in the red zone. Really the way they moved the ball with first downs, I thought that was key. We were able to keep the time of possession good. We were able to get the defense off the field. Then when we were able to get the lead it was probably a different game.
What Zim Tzu meant: Damn folks, I just saw you 12 fucking hours ago. We're still awesome, and you're all beginning to annoy the shit out of me. Fucking screen pass kept me up all night though. Goddamnit Kendricks.
Q: How important is the threat of the pass rush?
What Zim Tzu said: There's numerous ways you can affect the quarterback. In the professional game, that's a big part of it. Whether it's rush or coverage or disguise. I think people respect our pass rushers and probably a little bit of our blitz package as well.
What Zim Tzu meant: Not important at all. I think it really benefits the defense if a quarterback can sit in the pocket, go through his progressions, fire up the grill, cook a mean steak, then throw the ball 60 yards downfield to a guy that is wide open. OH HEY JUST KIDDING I WANT TO SCRAMBLE HIS FUCKIN' BRAINS ON EVERY PLAY WOOOOO
Q: Do you see the need to rotate between your defensive backs?
What Zim Tzu said: I don't know. Each week will be different.
What Zim Tzu meant: Only if one guy really starts to suck ass.
Q: Was it an easy decision to have Xavier Rhodes cover Odell Beckham, Jr.?
What Zim Tzu said: Yeah, we have evidence that he can play both sides and that's always a good thing. You see guys do it in practice but you never really know. I don't know why but corners tend to get comfortable playing one side or the other. The way they break and do things, they tend to get comfortable. So if you have evidence they can do it I think it allows to do things. He wasn't covering him one-on-one all night, it wasn't like that. He came out of the game some. Newman went over there. Hopefully we mix up the coverages that we played a little bit.
What Zim Tzu meant: We had evidence that if we put pressure on Odell he'd cry like a baby, and all week X Man was all like 'PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LET ME MAKE THAT RAMEN NOODLE HEAD CUTLER WANNA BE MY BITCH PRETTY PLEASE I'M BEGGING YOU PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAASSSSSSEEEEE so I was like 'yeah, okay, go rattle his ass and make him cry.' So he did. And it was pretty cool. [ED note: OBJ totally looks like a pack of Ramen noodles. See for yourself]:
Q: Did you talk to Everson Griffen about his offsides penalty?
What Zim Tzu said: Yeah, they were going to snap it. Oh yeah, they were going to snap it. I haven't seen him today so I'm sure I'll mention something to him. They had to get that one.
What Zim Tzu meant: I called him a motherfucker. IT WAS ON TV AND EVERYTHING GOOD GOD DO NONE OF YOU PAY ATTENTION:
Q: Is variety an important aspect of defending number one wide receivers?
What Zim Tzu said: Yeah, always. The best part is if you can rush, if you can rush the quarterback it always helps. But there's a combination of things. Different looks, different disguises, different coverages. Sometimes you're trying to be physical with them at the line. Sometimes it's help over the top. There's just so many different things. We're fortunate we have smart guys. Especially with the safeties, they communicate good with the things we're trying to get done.
What Zim Tzu meant: I mean normally, yeah. Not against Odell Beckham Jr., though. Getting him off of his game is easier than getting Eddie Lacy off of his diet, man. Pretty sure Lacy would try to eat Odell's hair because he's such a ramen noodle lookin' bitch ass punk that gets beat up by kicking nets.
Q: Is your cornerback rotation drive-by-drive or is it mostly to get guys rest?
What Zim Tzu said: It's a little bit of both. Sometimes it's a break, sometimes it's....Xavier got kind of out of sorts a little bit so we got him out of there for a little bit. It's fine, it's good for these other guys to get in there and get an opportunity to produce.
What Zim Tzu meant: And by 'got out of sorts' I mean he got winded returning Eli's interception, and damn near went into shock when he found out he had more receiving yards than Beckham did. He was kind of scared we were going to trade him to the Giants and they were going to convert him into a wide receiver.
Q: Is Sam Bradford fully capable of switching plays at the line?
What Zim Tzu said: Yeah.
What Zim Tzu meant: Yeah. And that's the dumbest goddamn question I've ever heard.
Q: How did Jeremiah Sirles play?
What Zim Tzu said: He played well. He played well again. Another spot. The thing about him is he's going to battle all night long. He had some bad plays like everybody. He's a battler, it's important to him. He's done a nice job.
What Zim Tzu meant: WOOOOOO WE HAVE AN O-LINEMAN THAT DOES. NOT. SUCK.
Q: Is Blair Walsh putting in extra hours?
What Zim Tzu said: I guess so, I don't know. I have no idea.
What Zim Tzu meant: He fuckin' better be.
Q: Will you talk to him this week?
What Zim Tzu said: No. I don't talk to Eric Kendricks when he makes a bad play. We correct it and move on. That's what we do here.
What Zim Tzu meant: I don't talk to my players when they fuck up. I put my foot up
there damnit they're godDAMNit their ass. In Blair's case, it won't be wide left when I fuckin' do it, either.
Q: Are you bringing in any kickers to try out?
What Zim Tzu said: No, not yet.
What Zim Tzu meant: If that fucker misses one more kick we're gonna have so many people in here trying out you'll think the goddamn Rockettes are in town.
Q: Has Sirles played his way into a possible starting spot?
What Zim Tzu said: Right now we're not planning on that but we'll see how it goes.
What Zim Tzu meant: MISS ONE MORE GODDAMN BLOCK SUGAR TITS, I DARE YOU.
Q: What was it about Boone's play that you liked?
What Zim Tzu said: Fundamentally, he was very good. He had the one holding penalty which I guess was holding. But he got on the guys. He was good in pass protection, physical in the run game. It was his best game he's played since he's been here.
What Zim Tzu meant: Everything about Alex Boone's game was awesome. Also, he went to Ohio State.
Q: Did you spend time on Houston last week?
What Zim Tzu said: The coaches did, yes. I didn't and the players didn't, no.
What Zim Tzu meant: Houston? Yes. And by 'Houston' I mean your Mom. And by 'yes' I mean we all did. Thrice.
Suck it, Trebek. See you next week.