Stock Market Report: Colts

Normally I open up with what I like to think is a catchy paragraph or two that sums up the game and cleverly leads in to the song/music video of the week. This week, I'm going to change things up a bit. They say a picture is worth 1,000 words, so I'm going to use two GIF's to sum up today, followed by the music video. That way, you can fill in this space with your own 2,000 descriptive words to describe today's debacle against Indy.

And yes, they can be 2,000 swear words is you like. I don't mind.

Have a drink on me, fellow fans of the Minnesota Vikings.

Whiskey, gin and brandy
With a glass I'm pretty handy
I'm trying to walk a straight line
On sour mash and cheap wine
So join me for a drink boys
We're gonna make a big noise
So don't worry about tomorrow
Take it today
Forget about the check
We'll get hell to pay

Have a drink on me
Have a drink on me
Yeah, have a drink on me
Have a drink on me (on me)
Come on

Dizzy, drunk and fightin'
On tequila white lightnin'
My glass is getting shorter
On whiskey, ice and water
So come on and have a good time
And get blinded out of your mind
So don't worry about tomorrow
Take it today
Forget about the check
We'll get hell to pay

Have a drink on me
Have a drink on me
Have a drink on me

And this is where I make what I like to think is a funny sentence or two, using a play or moment from the game that tells you the Stock Market Report follows. Here, have two more GIF's that sum up the 2016 Minnesota Vikings season instead, followed by the SMR:

Also, I almost didn't do an SMR. I asked Vikings Twitter if I should, and the vote was overwhelmingly no:

Should I even do a #Vikings stock market report for the #Colts game on @DailyNorseman?

— Ted Glover (@purplebuckeye) December 18, 2016

Although the 'nays' overwhelmingly won the popular vote, the Rust Belt voted yes, and thus carried the Electoral College, requiring me to do one per The Daily Norseman Constitution. Enjoy.

Blue Chips:

No one. When you get your ass kicked at home, in a must win situation to keep your playoff hopes alive, there are no blue chip stocks. None. You got beat 34-6 in what was, essentially, a home playoff game. Losing is one thing, but this is damn near inexcusable. Almost to the point of people losing jobs inexcusable, from the front office on down.

Solid Investments Guys That Didn't Completely Suck And/Or Mail It In:

Kai Forbath, K. Remember when this team was 5-0 and we thought that at some point, like maybe when the Vikings were 10-2 or 11-3 Blair Walsh might miss a kick that would cost the Vikings a football game? Remember when we used to be that confident about this team going to the playoffs? It's ironic that the Vikings fixed their kicking woes and everything else fell apart.

Good times, good times indeed.

Kyle Rudolph, TE: Rudolph puts in a solid game every week. He's not going to get you a ton of yards after catch, and he's never going to be Jim Kleinsasser when it comes to blocking. But then again, no one will ever be The People's Champion in that regard...not even the offensive linemen currently suiting up on Sundays, AMIRITE FOLKS OR AM I RIGHT? Seriously, I'm so right on that. I'd love to have five Jim Kleinsasser's blocking right now.

Junk Bonds Guys That Sucked And/Or Mailed It In Worse Than A Typical Junk Bond:

The offensive line. The Colts front seven isn't anything special, yet once again this group (which if they were a cover band, would be called Bad Technique And Little Talent) turned the Colts defense into some combination of Doomsday, the Steel Curtain, and the Fearsome Foursome. Heinous would be a positive review at this point. Of the guys currently calling themselves offensive linemen on the 53 man active roster, I would keep Joe Berger, Alex Boone (so disgusted with these guys I'm not even gonna make a 'Boone went to Ohio State' joke here), Nick Easton, and Jeremiah Sirles. Everyone else can go, led by T.J. Clemmings. Although he'd probably get beat heading out the door.

Ba dum tish.

The defensive line. I'm not going to say the Vikings front four played like they mailed it in, but at some point in the third quarter, I could've sworn Brian Robison had a mail carrier's bag slung over his shoulder, and Everson Griffen was selling stamps on the sideline.

Adrian Peterson, RB: I'm done with Peterson. He had another crucial fumble while the game was still within reach, and at the end of the game cameras caught him laughing and joking during post game handshakes. Look, I'm not this old school guy that thinks you need to sulk, break stuff, and never 'shake hands with the enemy', or whatever it is you want to call it. At the end of the day, it's just a football game, and I get you have friends on other teams, and 99 times out of 100 this doesn't bother me, whether it's Peterson or another Vikings player. But there was something odd about the optic on this one. And not unsettling in a 'man, that's disturbing' kind of way, but more of a 'how can you be that nonchalant and...happy, maybe?...after a loss like this with the season essentially on the line. It seemed like an air of indifference, and coming on the heels of the 'well, I'll play if we're still in playoff contention' comment earlier in the week, it has me feeling Peterson't time in Minnesota is coming to an end.

And look, it's really not personal with him, although the previous diatribe might make it seem that way. He's 32, coming off another knee injury, and he's going to have an $11,750,000 salary in 2017. It seems his skills have diminished, and an offense centered around Peterson is coming to an end That's a combination that isn't going to cut it next year, it just simply isn't. Yes, I can see him on the roster, if he accepts a greatly reduced contract with a lot of incentives. But Peterson is a proud man, and I don't see him liking those terms. We'll see.

Anthony Harris: If you wondered how important Harrison Smith is to the Vikings defense, just play Harris a whole game. Where Smith attacks a runner and drops him when he tackles, Harris wraps and lets the ball carrier fall forward three or four yards. Every. Single. Time. It's like Harris went to the Dwayne Rudd Football Tackling Camp in his spare time, or something. Only I know he didn't, because he didn't celebrate one of those tackles 25 yards past the line of scrimmage. Or maybe that's what they'll cover in his next lesson, I don't know.

Buy/Sell:

Buy: The Sam Bradford trade, even after today's loss. Now that the Vikings are out of the playoffs, there are going to be a lot of hot takes about the Bradford trade, so let me get mine in here before it gets burned by all the flames. It's easy to say that if the Vikings hadn't made the Sam Bradford trade, they would have a decent first round draft pick in the upcoming draft, and with that pick they could draft another cornerback or a wide receiver that doesn't play an offensive lineman, and start fixing what I think is the biggest issue on this roster.

But you can't foresee this many injuries on the offensive line, and if most of those guys stay healthy, I don't think the Vikings are 7-7 and out of the playoffs. But when you're playing third and fourth string guys, and you have more than 10 offensive line combinations throughout the course of the season, your offense is going to struggle.

Look, we all thought that this was a playoff team at the end of the pre-season, and I think they still would have been had the same five guys started all 16 games. Last season's line wasn't great, but the same 16 guys started every week, and they got better towards the end of the season. The combination of injuries and lack of continuity doomed this offense, and thus, this season.

Had they not made a move to improve the quarterback position, it would have been tantamount to waving the white flag of surrender to the rest of the team, to the fans, and to the rest of the division. No, it didn't work out, but it was a trade worth making. I believed that then, and I still believe that today.

Sell. The Vikings get to 7 wins without the Bradford trade. Go back and look at the beating Sam Bradford has taken behind this offensive line, and try and tell me with a straight face that the Vikings would be 7-7 today. They wouldn't be; they'd be lucky to end up with five wins this year, and there's a good chance Shaun HIll would be on IR right now and lol to whatever the option at QB would have been after him if they hadn't made the Bradford trade.

The popular response for 'The Bradford Trade Was Dumb' crowd is 'well at least they would have a high first round draft pick', which is true. But there would be a TON of people (maybe the BTWD crowd and then some) saying 'WE NEED TO DRAFT A QB IN CASE TEDDY CAN'T PLAY' as opposed to drafting a QB, because my goodness the QB play would have been terrible this year, and with Teddy's health still in the air, you can make a good argument the QB position would have eclipsed the o-line play in terms of top off-season needs. Now, at least, the Vikings have both a good starting and backup QB going in to 2017, and they can focus solely on improving the offensive line.

Buy: Zimmer wearing an eye patch. A person's health is a serious issue, and I think Mike Zimmer taking all the necessary precautions to save his eyesight is, without question, the right thing. Wearing the patch is definitely the right call.

Sell: Zimmer not wearing two eye patches to save his sight as opposed to watching the Colts game unfold. A person's health is a serious issue, and I think Mike Zimmer taking all the necessary precautions to save his eyesight is, without question, the right thing. Wearing a patch over both eyes would have definitely been the right call.

And it might have helped to explain how the defense played, too. Is all I'm sayin'.

Missing the playoffs after a 5-0 start is brutal. It's shades of 2003, when the Vikings started out 6-0, stumbled down the stretch, and then lost the division and a playoff spot on literally the last play of the season at Arizona. We knew there were issues with this team, and certain things like their ridiculously disproportionate turnover margin wouldn't be sustainable, but with the defense playing as well as they were, and an offense doing just enough, it seemed like a recipe for success. Yet when things fell apart, they collapsed everywhere and at once, and sitting home for the post-season is going to be brutal. Go Bucks, beat Clemson.

Beating the Packers next week and keeping them from the playoffs isn't a nice consolation prize. Look, I can't stand the Packers any more than you guys, but even if they beat Green Bay next week and keep them out of the playoffs, it's not going to make up for starting out 5-0 through what we thought was the toughest part of their schedule, and and up, at best, 9-7.

Don Glover Quote Of The Week:

I missed the first half of the game, because we took one of my grandsons to a 'Breakfast With Santa' buffet brunch that started at 11:45. I stayed off social media because I was DVR'ing the game, and my plan was after the brunch to swing by to pick up Dad, get to the house, and start the game from the beginning. And I was proud of myself, too. I stayed off my phone and had no idea what the score was. So imagine my surprise when I got to my Dad's place to pick him up, and he was watching the Packers and Bears game...sitting in his chair, no Favre jersey on, no purple and gold knit cap...nothing.

'Dad, you ready to go? You want me to get your Favre jersey out of the closet for you or something?'

'I'm not going.'

'Why not? You feeling okay, is something wrong?'

/TV--let's get a game break with Curt Menefee in Los Angeles

Curt Menefee: In Minnesota, The Colts go up 17-0 on this beautiful Andrew Luck touchdown pass blah blah blah.

'That's why I'm not going. It's 10 below out with the wind chill, and ice and snow everywhere. I'm not risking pneumonia and a broken hip to watch the rest of that disaster.'

'Well, I can't blame you. Want me to call you when it's over?

'No, I think I'm going to take a nap.'

My father had a much more productive afternoon than most of us did, I would think.