Note: Bad words ahead. Don't care that you might care there's too much profanity--Ted
The Memorial Day weekend is the unofficial beginning of summer, a period of time almost universally loved by most people, as the winter finally ends her grip on the North, the sun warms our skin, and we lose ourselves in things like weekends at the lake, cook outs, and a lazy Saturday swinging in a hammock underneath a shaded elm tree.
But if you are Vikings head coach Mike Zimmer, you are not most people. Things like 'leisure' and 'fun' are four letter words to you*. This is the time to double down on your work**, and beat the weakness out of your team, much like a blacksmith would forge a sword.***
*They're a seven and three letter word, respectively. Trust me, Mike Zimmer knows his four letter words. Fuckers.
**He can't really do that. The NFLPA Collective Bargaining Agreement is very specific about that, I'm sure
***Being a blacksmith would be a shitty job, man
And you abhor weakness, which is begat by things like fun and leisure. Because you are Zim Tzu: First Of His Name, Lord Of The Iron Range And Twin Cities, Usurper Of The Green, Disembowler of Giants, He Who Makes Bears Extinct, Grounder Of The Falcon, Vanquisher of the Raider Tribe, Hunter of the Ram, Eradicator Of Lions, Conqueror Of Chiefs, Controller Of Electricity, and Warden Of The North.
So when you step to the microphone, your words need to ring true, and your message must get through.
And that's where we come in.
As is our modus operandi,* we take the actual Mike Zimmer press conference, take what he actually said, and convert those words into their true meaning.** Zimmer's actual answer is in the block quote, and the literal interpretation immediately follows.***
*For those of you in Austin, that means 'our way of doing things'
***Seriously, these interpretations are about as real as professional wrestling. It's all fake, like Kardashian fame.
Q: How it important it was to get S Harrison Smith deal done?
What Zim Tzu said: I figured it would get done. I don't think that Harrison is the kind of the guy that really cares that much about money. I think he loves playing football and loves being out here and working and things like that. So, I figured it would get done eventually.
What Zim Tzu meant: Jesus, do you even football, bro? Have you seen this guy play? Do you realize how hosed this defense would be if we had two versions of Andrew Sendejo back there? Want me to call Wasswa Serwanga, see if I could plug and play that sumbitch in? Fuck outta here with that question...
Q: What does Smith means to the defense?
What Zim Tzu said: Well he's a leader by example. He plays real hard. He's tough. He's smart. You know he's like a lot of our guys.
What Zim Tzu meant: Fuck man, I dunno. What are eggs to bacon? Steak to a baked potato? What is a vegan to everything that is wrong with food? Pretty fucking important, I'd say.
Q: What have you seen from QB Teddy Bridgewater?
What Zim Tzu said: You know yesterday he had a really good day. He threw the ball really really well and I thought he threw the ball well today too. You know he just seems to be cutting it loose a little bit more. You know he sees it and he lets it go. He's shown some really nice deep balls. He seems like he's I guess matured and he's more comfortable in everything that he does.
What Zim Tzu meant: When the 2016 season is over, you Carr and Bortles fanboys can bend over and suck your own Jolly Rodgers, because Teddy is going to be awesome, and he's going to make those guys look like chumps.
Q: What is competition at the other safety spot opposite to Smith?
What Zim Tzu said: Yeah. Well it's still a work in progress. We're trying to look at all the different guys. You know (S Michael) Griffin is still learning. I like some of the things that (S Jayron) Kearse is doing. You know (S Antone) Exum (Jr.) is athletic. Anthony Harris very seldom makes mistakes and (S Andrew) Sendejo is solid like he usually is. So, we just have to keep going. One thing I try not to do especially in OTAs where we're not in pads is try to jump to some kind of conclusion of who should be the starter. I'll kind of let that play out in camp.
What Zim Tzu meant: I gotta tell ya, I feel like I'm juggling chainsaws that are on fire. No matter who I pick I get the feeling I'm going to lose an appendage or suffer a third degree burn. Sophie had better choices, man.
Q: What have you seen from rookie QB Joel Stave?
What Zim Tzu said: Well he actually throws the ball really well. You know he's got some things mechanically he has to work on as most young guys. But, it's really the speed of getting the ball out, the speed of knowing where to go. You know all those factors you know are harder for a really young guy like all young guys. But, he's done a good job. He's working. He's throwing the ball nice. So, he's just got to continue to do that and the same thing at that quarterback spot. You know we've got those four guys there and really it's going to come down to training camp, preseason games and stuff like that.
What Zim Tzu meant: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...fuck Wisconsin. Better dead than red. Hey, did you hear Mitch Leidner is going to be a first round pick next year?
Q: What you've seen from rookie WR Laquon Treadwell?
What Zim Tzu said: You know he had three really good days. I don't know if today was his best day, but he's had three really good days. He's got really good acceleration. He's fast off the line. He runs good routes. He catches the ball good and he's got a good feel on how to run the routes.
What Zim Tzu meant: I'd like to announce that Laquon Treadwell just won a starting job. Because all that shit I just described--good route running, catching the ball, you know...the job description of a wide receiver? Yeah, him and Diggs are the only sumbitches that can do that right now. Sooooo...starter.
Q: Are you concerned about LB Anthony Barr about missing time in OTAs?
What Zim Tzu said: No.
What Zim Tzu meant: No.
Q: What are your expectations for Trae Waynes this season?
What Zim Tzu said: Well you know he's progressed. Here's what I told somebody earlier today, ‘last year was more about learning what to do. Now it's having a feel for the game and playing. Understanding the tightness that he has to be in to cover. It's time to continue to push him into making more plays on the ball and that's what I'm trying to get him to do. My expectation is to get him to be more aggressive in the coverage because he knows what to do now. Now it's time to go be aggressive and you know the one thing about him and Xaiver (Rhodes) here is we can bump-and-run here and we can press, which is probably Trae's strength. So, like Xaiver his strength was always bump-and-run. This is the first spring where I feel like he's really improved off-coverage and so it's a little bit like that with Trae. I think when he gets in there and starts playing more bump-and-run and things like that he'll show better. It just takes a little while in off-coverage because there's air in the coverage, which makes it a little bit more difficult for the defenders. Consequently, for guys like Treadwell, we were talking about him a minute ago, haven't seen him against press. I'm pushing them to be better in off-coverage. I guess that's my best answer, long winded.
What Zim Tzu meant: Hey remember when some of you people thought this guy was a bust and we shouldn't have drafted him and RAWR RAWR RAWR WHAT A WASTE RAWR RAWR RAWR? Fuck outta here with that man...
Q: Why WR Charles Johnson was receiving first team reps today?
What Zim Tzu said: Yeah, he's actually done good. You know he's smooth. He runs good routes. He catches the ball good. I think Teddy and him have a good rapport and you know same thing. We'll just let all of these guys fight it out in camp.
What Zim Tzu meant: Lost a bet to Norv. We were doing tequila shots in International Falls last month at the VFW on Karaoke night...because really, what the hell else is there to do in International Falls AMIRITE...and he said 'Zim, if I eat the worm in this bottle, you have to go up and sing 'Hello'. I was all like fuck that Norv, I'd rather use my dick as a crankbait fishing for walleye. So then he said 'okay, how about you put CJ in on the first team during OTA's, just for shits and grins? Well, there was no way Norv was gonna be able to finish that bottle and eat the worm, so I said okay.Turns out that crafty sumbitch still has a few tricks up his sleeve and did it. He had a hell of a hangover, though. And Adele has nothing on me, because I sang the shit out of that song later on. Fuckers.