Stock Market Report: Seahawks

Pre-season football isn't supposed to be filled with a lot of weirdness. It's supposed to be a time of the year where we focus on who's going to start, who's going to get cut, and the seriousness of any potential injuries.

Tonight, though, we got weirdness, from the first snap. When Shaun Hill ran out with the first team offense, and the realization was that Teddy Bridgewater wasn't going to start, there was immediate reaction from Vikings fans all over the Internet--is Teddy hurt why isn't he starting he's hurt isn't he OHMYGOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH TEDDY...

Turns out Mike Zimmer decided that he wasn't going to start him. And when Vikings sideline reporter Greg Coleman asked him about it during a halftime interview, he was cagey about why, wasn't he, Mr. Mac?

Why don't you ask him if he's going to stay?
Why don't you ask him if he's going away?
Why don't you tell me what's going on?
Why don't you tell me who's on the phone?
Why don't you ask him what's going on?
Why don't you ask him who's the latest on his throne?

Your Magical Mystery SMR follows.

Blue Chip Stocks:

Marcus Sherels, CB: You're here for one play only, and that's the pick six that saved us from pre-season OT. Thank you, Marcus. You saved us from a fate worse than being a Browns fan, and that's pre-season overtime. Also, for those of you that thought Sherels was going to get cut HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?

Linval Joseph, DT: Linval Joseph was a beast while he was in. He suplexed a running back into an RKO to win the WWE heavyweight championship belt, sacked Russell Wilson, and was his disruptive self tonight. He was much better tonight than he was last week, and looked really, really good.

Adam Thielen, WR: Thielen was impressive. He caught everything thrown his way, and made a nice catch and run right before halftime that got the Vikings into chip shot field goal range. If he keeps playing this way, it's not out of the question that he's the #3 receiver on opening day. He's been that good.

Vikings Tight Ends: One of the things the Vikings stressed in the off season was getting the tight end more involved in the offense, and against the Seahawks, they did just that. Kyle Rudolph and MyCole Pruitt had a combined 3 catches for 66 yards and torched the middle of Seattle's defense. Hopefully it's a nice preview of things to come.

Solid Investments:

Shaun Hill, QB: Lost in the noise of Bridgewater not starting is that Hill had a decent night. He was 10/17 for 129 yards. He made some nice throws, but made some iffy ones, too. Basically, it was a veteran backup quarterback working with the first team. Not going to set the world on fire, but not going to do anything stupid to lose the game for you, either.

Jeff Locke, P: Locke did well, for the most part. No shanks, pinned Seattle inside the 20 three times, and the punt return unit, for the most part, had a good game.

Junk Bonds:

Andre Smith, RT: Two pre-season games...two bad pre-season games. I am officially concerned.

Mackensie Alexander, CB: A decent to good first half turned into a nightmare of a second half as Alexander played exceptionally poor against some pretty milquetoast competition. And he capped his night off by committing a 53 yard pass interference penalty that could have cost the Vikings the game.

Buy/Sell:

Buy: Not starting Teddy Bridgewater. Look, it's the pre-season. I get it. If this were a regular season game he would have started. He could use the work, but yeah, normally not a big deal.

Sell: The ham fisted way the Vikings explained Teddy Bridgewater not starting. Just say he's a healthy scratch. The way Mike Zimmer handled the question when asked was being dodgy just to be dodgy. And it was completely unnecessary.

Buy: The ferocious pass rush. I counted seven sacks, including four of Russell WIlson, and two of those he was pursued from behind and caught by Anthony Barr and Everson Griffen. Kids, this defense is going to murderdeathkill some quarterbacks this year, and it's going to be a lot of fun to watch.

Sell: The run defense. BUT...the run defense really needs to get shored up. I thought it was better than last week, but it was still inconsistent when the first team was in there. And by the fourth quarter, the Seahawks were gashing the Vikings third string.

Buy: Trae Waynes is going to be a good CB. Xavier Rhodes didn't play due to a hamstring injury tonight, so Waynes played the RCB spot, and did okay. Nothing spectacular, but didn't give up any big plays, either. I think he's going to have a good season.

Sell: Trae Waynes won the starting job over Terence Newman tonight. Newman had a rough start, but recovered well and made a couple of nice plays on the first team's last series. I think Newman did enough to hold on to the starting job. Or Waynes didn't do enough to win it. Take your pick.

Buy: Blair Walsh's 27 yard field goal. I mean, there was a bit of irony to that, wasn't there? Walsh makes a 27 yarder against the Seahawks, blah blah blah. I mean it was cool and all, poetic even, I guess. But yeah, it was the second game of the pre-season and it was like 85 degrees warmer. And in the second quarter.

Sell: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA WIDE LEFT IN THE 4TH QUARTER WITH 2:00 TO GO AND THE GAME ON THE LINE ARE YOU KIDDING ME MAN? I mean it's still pre-season and all but COME ON FOOTBALL GODS LIKE SERIOUSLY LAST SEASON AGAINST THIS TEAM WASN'T ENOUGH??? It was comical. In a 'man, I'm going to be up until 2:00 in the morning watching a pre-season football game that has gone into overtime' kind of way that makes you question every decision you've ever made in your life that has led you to this point.

But yeah, I was so gonna watch pre-season overtime.

Don Glover Quote Of The Week:

I picked Dad up Tuesday to run some errands, and we talked about the game:

Me: You want to come over and watch? It will be live on NFL Network!

Dad: What time does it start?

Me: 9:00.

Dad: 9:00??? At night?? What the Hell for?

Me: It's in Seattle.

Dad: I'm not staying up to watch pre-season football at 9:00. Cal me Friday morning and tell me who wins.

And so I shall, Dad. And so I shall.

So the Vikings move to 2-0 on the pre-season, and the next game we get to see the Vikings play for the first time in US Bank Stadium. I can't wait!!