To prepare for war, sometimes you have to practice at it. You normally take your unit to some remote desert out in California, or the swamps of Louisiana, and 'train how you would fight', so when it's time for the real thing, you're ready.
Most leaders let their people do their thing, watch them, critique them, and then train them some more so when the time comes, you feel confident in knowing you can do your job. The second lieutenant you're following might get your whole fucking platoon killed, but you know your job, and because of that you'll know what to do when the L-T walks out of the tent to take a piss and ends up in a minefield.*
*I actually had a lieutenant get lost at night walking out of the tent to go piss and walked in to a simulated minefield at JRTC (big Army playground, essentially) once during a field exercise. Never leave lieutenants unsupervised, kids. Ever.
Because lieutenants, man.
But you are not most leaders. No sir. You are Zim Tzu: First Of His Name, High Septon Of Mankato, Lord Of The Iron Range And Twin Cities, Usurper Of The Green, Disembowler of Giants, He Who Makes Bears Extinct, Grounder Of The Falcon, Vanquisher of the Raider Tribe, Hunter of the Ram, Eradicator Of Lions, Conqueror Of Chiefs, Controller Of Electricity, and Warden Of The North.
And if you tell your lieutenant to pretend that he walked out into a minefield while taking a piss and got blown from here to goddamn International Falls*, you have a reason for it. Or maybe you don't have a reason for it, how can one tell? And do you care? No, no you do not. Not in the slightest.
*Teddy is awesome and not your typical lieutenant. He did not walk in to a minefield. But you could convince me that just about every quarterback in Vikings history had that potential, except St. Francis of Bloomington, Daunte for a couple seasons, Randall in '98, and Favre in '09. Tommy Kramer? He would skip through the minefield with a dip the size of Bemidji in his mouth, get a leg blown off, and still beat you with 11 seconds on the clock. Man, I loved Tommy Kramer.
Well, that's where we come in.* We take Zimmer's explanations, run them through the Zim Tzu translator**, and give the full true meaning of what he meant.***
*And by 'we' at the Daily Norseman, 'we' actually mean 'me', because I don't want my fellow front page writers to be tarnished with this sophomoric collection of f-bombs and dick jokes.
**There is no such thing as a Zim Tzu translator. It's just me, adding swear words and stupid jokes that make about as much sense as the 2005 Vikings draft class. And it's about as effective, if we're being completely honest with one another.
***Can't emphasize enough how much this is complete, 100%, made up bullshit. That hopefully makes you laugh, mind you, but that is secondary to the 100% bullshit part.
As always, we take Mike Zimmer's actual quotes from his press conferences, and interpret them immediately below. Zim Tzu began with an opening statement before taking questions.
What Zim Tzu said: It was a nice win. In the first half we did some good things. We did a nice job. I thought the offensive line protected well. They gave us some opportunities to make some plays. Defensively, we did a nice job of getting them in some third and long situations. In the second half we got a little bit sloppy. It was nice to win. We will look at the tape and we will move on and try and get better. We still have a long way to go.
What Zim Tzu meant: Fuck yeah we won. What kind of idiot kicks a field goal to tie late in a pre-season game? Pete Carroll, Riverboat Gambler my ass. Jesus Petey, go for it on 4th down, for fuck sake. At least Marcus Sherels stepped up and housed a pick...which gave him more touchdown receptions than any wide receiver in the game. And you people think he's going to get cut. WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW SHERELS HATERS? We looked like dogshit in the second half, though.
Q: Why didn't Teddy Bridgewater play?
What Zim Tzu said: Because I sat him.
What Zim Tzu meant: Because fuck you, that's why.
Q: Why did you sit him?
What Zim Tzu said: Because I wanted to.
What Zim Tzu meant: Seriously, what part of because fuck you that's why DID YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?
Q: Was it for precautionary reasons or violation of team rules?
What Zim Tzu said: Teddy Bridgewater is the nicest kid in the world. There is no disciplinary action ever with Teddy. It had nothing to do with discipline, it happened to do with my decision. It was my decision.
What Zim Tzu meant: Holy fucking shit you people make me want to assemble a team of Dorial Green-Beckhams and Pac-Man Joneses, and rent a dinner boat on Lake Minnetonka. Then I will stand up here and talk fucking team rules violations until my goddamn lips fall off. I sat him because I am the fucking coach, he is the fucking player...a really awesome, nice, and great player that would never do anything to incur my wrath to the point I would bench him...and I said he wasn't playing. Pretty please ask me another question about this. I fucking beg you, please.
Q: Thoughts on your defense against Russell Wilson?
What Zim Tzu said: We kind of corralled him from getting out the pocket too much. They hit a couple of deep balls. He is a good football player. We had some opportunities to rush him tonight. Last week we didn't rush the quarterback but we did some tonight. That helped to be able to do it. Our guys were pretty disciplined in their rush. They did a nice job in getting to him in the first sack. He is hard to get down.
What Zim Tzu meant: DID YOU SEE ANTHONY BARR AND EVERSON GRIFFEN RUN HIM DOWN FROM BEHIND WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO THAT WAS AWESOME AND THANK YOU FOR NOT ASKING ME WHY THE FUCK I SAT TEDDY GREAT QUESTION UNNAMED REPORTER PERSON
Q: Thoughts on Shaun Hill?
What Zim Tzu said: It was great for Shaun to play. We had to take a good look at him and make sure we're going into the season with a backup that we feel good about. I thought he managed everything we did, with the huddle. He got the right checks in. He had opportunities to get the ball down the field. He didn't panic in the pocket. He had a lot of time to survey the field. He was good.
What Zim Tzu meant: You know, Shaun is like a potential girlfriend if you were to find yourself single and in your 40's or 50's and hitting the dating scene again. You know she's going to be past her prime, but there was a fair level of hotness there at one time. Can you look past the vericose veins, the gray streaks in the poorly colored hair, and the liver spots on the hands and say 'yeah, okay let's do this'? If you can, then why not, take her out, have a good time, and use the shit out of your AARP discounts. Because my man, you've earned those AARP discounts. See what you got, and if it turns out she's not your cup of tea, get yourself an account at one of those dating websites, like MissouriSynodLutheransOnly.com, where dating and fun is frowned upon, but holy mac and cheese casserole [ED note: casserole, not hot dish, you hot dish Philistines] are the potlucks to die for.
Also, the offensive line sucked sweaty possum balls last week, and I didn't want to run the risk of Teddy getting sledgehammered by Seattle's defense. So I threw Shaun and the Zika Virus In Shoulder Pads out there. Because pre-season sucks, man.
Q: Thoughts on Blair Walsh and his missed field goal attempt tonight?
What Zim Tzu said: I think it was just a miss. He made a 27 yarder earlier.
What Zim Tzu meant: The Football Gods are fuckin' funny, I'll give you that. Make the legitimately ironic 27 yarder, then miss the equally ironic potential game winner wide left late in the game? Fuckin' funny. Ha. Ha. I'm laughing. If he pulls that shit in the playoffs, I'm cutting off his leg.
Q: How did the offensive line do?
What Zim Tzu said: We didn't run the ball good enough. They have eight guys in the box on every play. We have to run the ball better. We are making progress. I thought the pass protection was good. I thought it was solid. We gave him a lot of time. We still have a long way to go. But we're going to keep grinding at it.
What Zim Tzu meant: We ran about as effectively as Ryan Lochte dyes his hair and discusses a night out in Rio to the press with his squad. Pass blocking didn't make me want to kick a puppy. For once. Still needs work. Alex Boone went to Ohio State BOOOOOOM thought I couldn't get that in there did you WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!