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Your Weekly Moment Of Zim Tzu: Everything Sucks

Swear words go here. As in, every swear word. Ever. In every language. Because everything sucks

Bruce Kluckhohn-USA TODAY Sports

Sometimes, when you're a warrior, you have to come face to face with the unthinkable...the unimaginable. It's times like that when true leadership comes through, and everyone knows whether you're man of substance, or a guy that slings bullshit.

You are a leader, and you have no time for bullshit. No sir. You are Zim Tzu: First Of His Name, High Septon Of Mankato, Lord Of The Iron Range And Twin Cities, Usurper Of The Green, Disembowler of Giants, He Who Makes Bears Extinct, Grounder Of The Falcon, Vanquisher of the Raider Tribe, Hunter of the Ram, Eradicator Of Lions, Conqueror Of Chiefs, Controller Of Electricity, and Warden Of The North.

And sometimes, you just need to be straightforward, head up, and put your face into the wind. The cold, bitter wind of a Minnesota winter. Because winter came early in Minnesota this year, and the only way to deliver bad news is to just come out and say it. Fiddle fucking around the edges just muddies the water...and you don't muddy the water because it's already cloudy enough. And frozen.

And that's what Zim Tzu did yesterday...head up, face the wind, and he put one foot in front of the other. As always, we take Mike Zimmer's actual press conference transcript and translate* into words you can understand.**

*We do no such thing.

**If you understand four letter words, you will have no problem understanding this.

Zim Tzu said: Today Teddy (Bridgewater) suffered a significant knee injury. We don't know the extent of it yet. He's undergoing tests at the hospital and as soon as we find out the information then Eric Sugarman will release all of the details of what he had done, what the injury was and give you full details.


Q: What did you see from your vantage point?

What Zim Tzu said: Actually I was looking down the field. I watched it on tape and it was a non-contact thing. It was a freaky deal.

What Zim Tzu meant: I saw the football gods unzip their fly, whip it out, and fucking piss all over my goddamn quarterback. That's what I fucking saw. I'm not a believer in curses, but holy fuck. First Peterson in 2014 and now this. Are you kidding me? Seriously?

Q: Do you have a timetable for how long you expect him to be out?

What Zim Tzu said: I don't. I'll find out more information as we get going. We'll let you know tonight or tomorrow as soon as we find out what the extent of it is. We'll let you know as soon as possible.

What Zim Tzu meant: Fuck. That's my timetable. Just...fuck.

Q: Is there a possibility that this is a season ending injury?

What Zim Tzu said: It's possible.

What Zim Tzu meant: Fuck.

Q: Have you talked with Teddy?

What Zim Tzu said: I just talked with him when he was coming off of the field. I talked to his mom a couple of times just to update her on what's going on the best we can.

What Zim Tzu meant: FUCKITY FUCK FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKK...oh, hi Mrs. Bridgewater. Sorry for the bad language. 

Q: What did you say to your players?

What Zim Tzu said: Well you know today is a disappointing day. Number one Teddy is such an amazing kid. Everybody loves him. So it was disappointing for them and I didn't think we were going to get much out of practice. We'll get back in here tomorrow and we'll get back to work. We're not going to stick our heads in the sand. We're going to tuck our tail between our legs. We're not looking for excuses. We're going to go out and fight like we always do. We got some great football players on this team. We'll figure ways to win football games if he's not here and that's what we're going to do.

What Zim Tzu meant: Hey, remember when you thought you might have been feeling the pressure of expectations? Yeah, fuck that narrative. In the balls. With a rusty spoon. Sideways. We're playing with house money boys, so giddy the fuck up and let's go play ball. It sucks this happens to anyone, but Teddy is such a good guy, it just seems cruel and unfair. Fuck.

Q: Did you get a chance to meet with the team in its entirety?

What Zim Tzu said: Yes. I talked to the team.

What Zim Tzu meant: Yeah. It was fuckadelic.

Q: Based on that initial diagnosis on the field, is there any hope he plays this season?

What Zim Tzu said: I don't know. It doesn't look good right now.

What Zim Tzu meant: Priefer, grab that reporter, take him out back, and have him shot. With a taser. In the uvula. Fuckin' smart guy.

Q: If you have to go any stretch without Teddy Bridgewater, what's your confidence in Shaun Hill to lead the team?

What Zim Tzu said: I have confidence in Shaun. I think he has played great this preseason. He has been in two-minute drills. He has done a phenomenal job, and the thing we all have to remember is, this is about the team. This isn't about a one-man deal. We all feel terrible if it is significant, real significant, for Teddy, but this is about the team. We have a real good team. We have a good defensive team. Our offensive line is much better. We have good receivers. We have maybe the best running back in the NFL. So, this is about a team, and it's about us trying to figure out ways to win football games.

What Zim Tzu meant: We're fucked at QB. How fucked are we at QB? We might as well put on red uniforms, beam down to a strange planet with Captain Kirk, and go by the name Kowalsky. That's how fucked we are. THANKS RICK!

Q: What was Teddy saying when you talked to him coming off the field?

What Zim Tzu said: He wasn't saying much. I just told him, ‘Hang in there, and we hope the best for him.'


Q: Will you guys look to pick up a veteran-type quarterback very soon?

What Zim Tzu said: I don't know. Rick (Spielman) and I have been talking about it. So, we'll continue to go, and when we know more information about Teddy, then we'll go from there.


Q: Is there any chance you bring Brad Sorensen back?

What Zim Tzu said: There's a chance. We've got a game in two days.

What Zim Tzu meant: Oh fuck yeah. In an unrelated note, when you're looking forward to re-signing a guy you just released that was an extra camp arm three hours ago your quarterback situation is more fucked up and convoluted than a typical day in the life of Nicolas Cage. We're in uncharted waters, man, and I'm the pissed off captain of this ship.

Q: Can you tell us where Teddy was taken?

What Zim Tzu said: I don't think that's. You know what, he's a great kid, let's let him get healthy and get taken care of. Let's not deal with all this stuff, please, okay? I'm just asking you because I love this kid, our fans love this kid.

What Zim Tzu meant: I don't think HIPPA laws allow me to say but I'm pretty goddamn sure it wasn't the State Fucking Fair. HEY TEDDY LET'S GO GET SOME FRIED FUCKING BUTTER was not a topic that was broached while he was lying on the field in excruciating pain, our season in doubt. But I will admit my second thought was HEY CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THE GODDAMN COWS AT THE FFA BARN AND GOOD GODDAMN DOES THIS FUCKING FOOD LOOK BETTER THAN A PARADE OF VEGAS HOOKERS!

Q: What did you say to him on the field?

What Zim Tzu said: Just told him, ‘Hang in there, we're with him, hope for the best.'

What Zim Tzu meant: Just told him, ‘Hang in there, we're with him, hope for the best.'

Q: What do you make of the players reaction?

What Zim Tzu said: They would've reacted like that if it was probably anybody but me.

What Zim Tzu meant: I would trade places with Teddy in a second.

Q: How do you as a Head Coach help your players deal with the grief of losing a teammate as beloved as Teddy Bridgewater?

What Zim Tzu said: It's tough today but tomorrow the sun's going to....Hey, my wife passed away seven years ago, right? It was a tough day, the sun came up the next day, the world kept spinning. People kept going to work. That's what we're going to do.

What Zim Tzu meant: Hey, this is Ted here, jumping out of character. This is poignant, meaningful stuff here. I can't imagine what Mike Zimmer went through, and I hope I never do. His perspective on this is something we all need, because football, for as much as we love watching it and talking about it, is just a game. This whole situation sucks, but the rest of the NFL isn't going to feel sorry for the Vikings, and there are things a lot more important in life than football. We'll overcome this, like we always have when misfortune hits this team. Okay, back to Zim Tzu. Fuckers.

Q: Will you give Shaun Hill a lot of opportunities on Thursday night?

What Zim Tzu said: I don't know, we've talked a little bit about Thursday night but we'll talk more about that as coaches tomorrow.

What Zim Tzu meant: Ummmm...fuck and no. I'm going to personally sew him a uniform of bubble wrap, place him in a goddamn bank vault, and hire a Secret Service detail to protect him. Because he is the only thing standing between the Joel Stave era. If that happens, just send in the fucking meteor, dude.

Q: How tough was it to release John Sullivan?

What Zim Tzu said: It was tough but we're always going to try to do what's in the best interest of the football team. We thought (Joe) Berger played good all last year, thought he had a good preseason. We rotated him every single day and from our grades and the way we graded things we thought that Berger was better.

What Zim Tzu meant: We love Sully, but football is a cold, brutal business. Brutal. Fuck. FUCK!!

Q: Was your confidence in Shaun Hill wavering at all before the second preseason game?

What Zim Tzu said: I don't think so. I mean, I think that he played good in the first preseason game, too. He played good in the second preseason game against a pretty good defensive football team. He played good the other day. He didn't play many plays but he got us in the endzone. No, I wasn't really wavering.

What Zim Tzu meant: Wavering? No, I wasn't wavering at all. I had zero confidence in him then, just as I do now. To show my confidence in Shaun I think for my Sunday sideline attire I'll dress up like the captain of the fucking Titanic all year, because FUCK FUCK FUCK!!

Q: If Shaun does get the job, how much confidence do you have in him?

What Zim Tzu said: Well, I have confidence in him. I have confidence in this football team. To me, it's still about the football team. So if Shaun is the guy, we're going to figure out, as coaches, we're going to try figure out the very best way we can beat the team that we're playing that week. However we have to do it, if it's running the ball 65 times or throwing it 65 times, it doesn't really matter. We have a good football team and that's what we're going to do.

What Zim Tzu meant: I have so much confidence in Shaun Hill that we have removed the 'pass plays' chapter in our playbook. Our base formation is now three centers, five guards, four tackles, three tight ends, Hill, and AP. If you drafted Stefon Diggs for your fantasy team HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA DON'T YOU FEEL LIKE A JACKASS RIGHT ABOUT NOW YO!!!

Q: Do you draw on lessons you learned from your father the most right now?

What Zim Tzu said: Yeah, that's our job, find a way. No one is going to feel sorry for us, no one is going to cry. The Tennessee Titans or the Green Bay Packers, we can go down the schedule, no one is going to feel sorry for us if that's the case. So I'm not going to feel sorry for us either. I'm not going to let this team feel sorry for itself. We're going to grieve today and upset about it. It's more about our feelings for Teddy and him as a person and getting better than it is about anything else. Teddy's a great kid and he'll be back as soon as he possibly can if it is real bad. But we're going to keep fighting. We can talk all we want but we have guys in that locker room like Everson Griffen, Harrison Smith, Brian Robison, Anthony Barr, Kyle Rudolph, Adrian Peterson, Matt Kalil, Berger, (Brandon) Fusco and Andre Smith. I can go down the line and I'll take them with me into an alley anywhere.

What Zim Tzu meant: You know what? Catharsis time over, people. The world keeps spinning, and Teddy injury aside, we still have a good fucking football team. I'll take any of those purple wearing sumbitches in that locker room over anyone else in the league. No, we won't see Teddy shut everyone up this year, but by God...we're still going to shut a lot of people up. So get on board, start up the engine to the bandwagon, and hand me my goddamn sunglasses. Let's light this candle.