There's an old saying in warfare, one you're quite familiar with if you're a head coach/warrior poet the caliber of Mike Zimmer:
No plan survives first contact with the enemy.
I'm sure the Minnesota Vikings had a plan to dispatch the feisty Tennessee Titans in Nashville on Sunday, but as soon as they took to the field that plan had to be altered.
But you knew this, because you are wise in the ways of football wars. And as you watched your plan unfold about as effectively as a rusty lawn chair, you realized you needed to alter your plan, and you did.
Because you are Zim Tzu, High Septon Of Mankato, Eviscerator of Titans, and Warden Of The North. And when you adjust your plan, and your team executes, you win games. And cause Titans fans to start their Mass Stadium Exodus with about 8 minutes still remaining in the game.*
*That's no joke. Literally happened. Might have been seven minutes left, but the game was still in doubt and Titans fans gave up and started leaving. Kind of embarrassing for a fan base, to be honest.
And when you do that, people want to hear how it happened. Yet you speak in a way that would make Jerry Fuckin' Burns blush, so you throw in nuance, and throw out swear words*. And unfortunately, that nuance can tend to water down your life altering messages**, hiding the true meaning on how one should live their life.***
*There's little nuance, but seriously, I would live to hear Zimmer uncensored in front of a mic. Just once.
**You can probably find more life altering meaning on a bad tattoo, much less a good one.
***This gives no guidance on how to live your life. If you think it does, count to 10, say to yourself 'it's just football, man', and go hug a cat or something. Totally serious on this.
As always, we take excerpts of Zimmer's weekly press conference, and give you the true meaning of his words.* What Zim Tzu actually says will be in the block quote, and our literal interpretation immediately follows.**
*As far as we know, there is no hidden meaning. Unless he had a sibling or a buddy dare him to work a word or phrase into his press conference.
**There is no interpretation. It's literally me making this shit up as I go along.
What Zim Tzu said: Well, you can tell it's the season. I don't have time to do anything but this, again, as we start. After looking at the game yesterday, pretty much what I said after the ball game. I thought we played better in the second half defensively, obviously. We have to run the ball better. We have to score touchdowns offensively. So, really, pretty much the same, what I said yesterday.
What Zim Tzu meant: Well, that started out as kind of a shit show, but we got it figured out. 1-0 baby. First place. Suck my gjallahorn. Welcome to 2016.
Q: What did you see from the run game?
What Zim Tzu said: There was a lot of - like it always is - there's a combination of things. There was a couple times we had them blocked really good on the front side, and the four-technique came all the way from the other side and made the tackle, which typically doesn't happen. There was a couple times we missed the hole. There was a couple time we got beat in one-on-one blocks - different guys, not always one guy. So, it was a combination of things, like it always is really.
What Zim Tzu meant: Well, what we lacked in consistent line blocking we made up for with Adrian Peterson putting on sunglasses and acting like Ray Charles when a hole you could drive a Kenworth through opened up. Probably left anywhere from 110-120 yards by AP on the field, which was the difference between thousands of fantasy teams winning or losing. Not that people who drafted Peterson in the first round are fucking bitter about that or anything. Nooooooooope.
Q: Do you attribute that to five guys playing together in a game for the first time, plus Adrian Peterson getting his first work since January?
What Zim Tzu said: I don't know. I don't think so, but I think their guys got off blocks a little bit better than guys anticipated or maybe that we showed them. Like I told the team, the scout teams probably didn't get off blocks quite as good as these guys did in practice, just giving them a realistic look, and that's my fault.
What Zim Tzu meant: I attribute it to kind of sucking when they really shouldn't. I'm not saying we thought our scout team was better than Titans actual team...but we thought our scout team was better than the Titans actual team. I mean Jesus, DeMarco Murray is 62 years old, man.
Q: Not to say that Shaun Hill didn't have a good game, but part of not being able to score an offensive touchdowns and settling for field goals, is that part of the adjustment to a new quarterback?
What Zim Tzu said: No, we want to score touchdowns. He was good with the football. He took care of the ball, like we try to do, and offensively, they did. But no, we want to score touchdowns. That's not going to change.
What Zim Tzu meant: Hey, Hill didn't suck. And you know, touchdowns are kind of over rated. Personally, I welcome our 'Will Blair split the uprights or hit the fucking bull' Overlord for 2017. Just sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride, baby!
Q: Are you going to take your decision on the starting quarterback all the way through throughout the week again?
What Zim Tzu 'said': Nods yes.
What Zim Tzu meant:
/stares at questioner
/shoot lasers out of eyes
/beat writer has heart burned out in front of rest of press corps
Q: Does an opponent and the fact that you've got a home opener have anything to do with that, or is it all about preparation?
What Zim Tzu said: I've had a lot of thought going into that, even last week, going into that. I knew that we'd play Green Bay at U.S. Bank Stadium the next week. So, there was a lot of different things going into it, yes.
What Zim Tzu meant: No fucking idea, to be honest. Two weeks ago if you told me I would have to decide between Hill or Sam Bradford for my home opener against the Packers, I would have gone to an animal shelter and kicked all the puppies to feel better about myself. So yeah, cool. No idea who I'm starting. But I'll tell you this: Philly isn't paying Sam Bradford seven million bucks a year to sit on our bench, that much I can guarantee you. Wait...what?
Q: Why is Stefon good at what you call the dirty work? He's not exactly the biggest guy to embrace that kind of role.
What Zim Tzu said: He lines up in a lot of different places. He's tough. He's tough after the catch. He's hard to get down. He'll get in there, and like - I believe it was the first catch he had - he caught the ball over the middle. The linebacker was on him, he shook him, and he's going to get hit pretty good there. He thinks he's a pretty tough guy, so he's going to try to run through a couple more guys if he can.
What Zim Tzu meant: Well, Shaun Hill doesn't throw what we call 'darts'...it's more of a pop up, and guys with shoulder pads are either trying to catch it or trying to kill the guy trying to catch it. That's dirtier than a Ron Jeremy dick swab at the STD Free Clinic, man. You either gotta be good and protect yourself, or it's gonna burn when you pee, my man.
Q: Some of those shorter or negative runs came when Tennessee was really stacking it up there. Do you wish that you would have gotten out of some of those run calls?
What Zim Tzu said: You can't always do that. You can't let the defense dictate to you just because they're in overload. There was a couple we got out of, but there are times when we have to run the football against extra guys in there. We understand that. That's not going to go away. That's how it was a year ago, and when you've got Adrian (Peterson) in the backfield, you're going to get those things. So, you have to make sure that some of it is, you're going to have an unblocked guy, and you have to make the unblocked guy the guy that you want to be unblocked. That's not different than anywhere in football. If you're running the right, the farthest guy on the left is going to be unblocked, and there were some other times that ... But I just don't feel like you can (let the defense dictate to you). If that's the case, you're going to throw it every down. So, I think there are times when you get out of things and times when you have to man up.
What Zim Tzu meant: No, I wish our passing game was just a tiny bit more respected than the Kardashian Family and take some pressure off the running game.
Q: Is Sam Bradford far enough in the offense where he could make checks and audibles if needed?
What Zim Tzu said: Oh, yeah.
What Zim Tzu meant: FUCK YEAH BABY WOOOOOO!!!!!!
Q: Is there any clarity on what's going on with Xavier Rhodes?
What Zim Tzu said: He doesn't need surgery. So, we'll take it day to day.
What Zim Tzu meant: His knee didn't dislocate. So that's a plus. I'm about fuckin' fed up with knee injuries around here, though.
Q: Will he be out a while?
What Zim Tzu said: I don't know.
What Zim Tzu meant: Sigh....yeah, probably. Because of course.
Q: You've been talking about Danielle Hunter for a while and how good he can be. Is yesterday a sneak peak of what you felt like he can become in this league?
What Zim Tzu said: Yeah, he can still do a lot better, but yeah, some of that ... It's easy to see the touchdown play, but there were some other things that he did that were extremely well (done). He has got such long arms. He can long-arm these guys. He had great speed. They were very, very careful about our defensive ends in their protection yesterday. So, yeah, I believe that he's going to continue to progress, and the more success he has, I think, it'll be big for him.
What Zim Tzu meant: Hunter's arms are so long he can strip the ball in the backfield from the secondary. Remember when everyone was giving me shit about drafting him? Yeah, wrap your stubby arms around your plump ass, bend over, and kiss it.
Q: You said in the second half on defense, you kind of went back to the basics. What were you doing in the first half that was sort of out of the norm?
What Zim Tzu said: It wasn't necessarily out of the norm. I was extremely aggressive, and sometimes we were - what's the word I'm looking for? When they're giving you a lot of complicated shifts and motions and movements, a shift and a motion and then a play that's going back, two guys running this way and one guy running that way, the more you add, the more complicated it gets. So, it's no different. I was giving our guys a lot of calls the first half. How's that?
What Zim Tzu meant: Well, when we didn't tackle, we were loose on coverage, and we made DeMarco Murray look like a good back again. They were shifting more than an 8 speed transmission, guys running around like it's back yard football, all cute and everything, and I was all like WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS MICKEY MOUSE SHIT? So we went to the locker room, and I told the guys to cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war. They did.
Q: What did you see from Trae Waynes yesterday?
What Zim Tzu said: I thought he was tight in coverage. I think they caught some balls on him, but every one of them was contested. We just got to get some of those out. I thought he made a nice play on the third-and-one and towards the end of the game he started to finish those plays better. He adjusted his play a little bit in the second half and I thought that helped. He's always going to have to continue to learn and I think some of those things showed up in the game.
What Zim Tzu meant: HEY HEY DO YOU GUYS REMEMBER WHEN TRAE WAYNES WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A BUST WHY DON'T YOU GUYS GO DRINK A WARM FUCKING GRAIN BELT AND LICK A DIRTY JOCKSTRAP!
Q: Is Bradford ahead of where you thought?
What Zim Tzu said: I've never been around Sam Bradford, so I don't know what I expected.
What Zim Tzu meant: No fuckin' idea, man. No fuckin' idea...
Q: But you're, overall, pretty pleased with him?
What Zim Tzu said: Yeah.
What Zim Tzu meant: We'll find out Sunday night, amigo.
Q: What was your assessment of the tackles and pass protection?
What Zim Tzu said: I thought it was good. I know we had a hands to the face and a holding call, but for the most part I thought the pocket was good most of the day. We didn't give up any sacks, so that's a good spot.
What Zim Tzu meant: Well, they didn't suck dry camel balls, so let's call it a win for this week. But Andre Smith, yo...
Q: Have you talked to Mike Priefer at all about Blair Walsh's struggles, is it mental or technique?
What Zim Tzu said: I don't know, I talked to him about it. It's more just about staying consistent with what we're doing.
What Zim Tzu meant: No, I haven't. You see, when Blair goes out to kick, the air in my lungs leaves my body, leaving me unable to speak. Hell, I'm lucky I don't lose control of my bowels and shit myself when I can stammer out the words 'f-fi-field goal team'.
Q: What are your thoughts on the Vikings-Packers rivalry?
What Zim Tzu said: I don't know, it's a great rivalry, close by with the fans and all that stuff. We can't get caught up in the rivalry, all we have to do is figure out who to block, when to block them, when to cover and all that stuff. I think it's great for the fans. We need to beat them a lot more often for it to be a rivalry.
What Zim Tzu meant: Fuck the Packers. I'm sick of them winning the division every ye--oh wait, they DON'T win the division every year. Gonna try and kick their ass twice a year every year.
Q: Waiting the whole week to name your starter, what is the logic behind that? Are you still trying to make the decision, or is that just information you don't want to get out there at this point?
What Zim Tzu said: I just figured it'd be good sports talk radio. I don't know. I just don't think it's good for ... I think it's good for my team to know, if we continue to go forward, and I haven't decided yet. So, we'll figure all that stuff out, but Green Bay is an awfully good team. Everybody is picking them to go to the Super Bowl. We're just trying to be in the fight, and I'll try to keep my cards close to the vest.
What Zim Tzu meant: HAHAHAHAHAHA FUCK YOU GUYS I DO WHAT I WANNNNNNNNNT!!!!!