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Your Weekly Moment Of Zim Tzu: A Lot Of Green Braaaaying

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The Vikings head coach and warrior/poet dispenses his weekly words of wisdom

Brace Hemmelgarn-USA TODAY Sports

If there's one thing you can't stand as a warrior/poet, it's whining. You don't tolerate it on your team, but you have to put up with it with other teams, because you have no control over their day to day activities. Now mind you, if you did, the whining would stop, immediately and forever.

Even if it is part of their DNA. Because you can manipulate DNA to suit your needs. Why?

Because you are Zim Tzu: High Septon Of Mankato, Eviscerator of Titans, Maître Fromager, and Warden Of The North.

Yet, when you cause other teams to wail and moan, along with their fan base as your team delivers the coup de grâce on national television, that's music to your ears. It's a song you want to keep singing all year long. You want to rub it in, and show your fans that you relish the victory as much as they do...only you can't use the words drunken Vikings do while at the podium.

And this is where we come in, the professional* site that is The Daily Norseman. We take the profanity laden inner thoughts of Mike Zimmer** and bring them to life in a way that gives clarity to confusion, food to the starving, and water to the thirsty.***

*That word professional. You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

**I have no idea what Mike Zimmer's inner thoughts are. And I really don't want to know what his inner thoughts are on this, if he even knows of the existence of Zim Tzu. Which I am sure he doesn't. Because I'd hate for him to chew my ass over this...which admittedly, I'd probably deserve.

***LOLNOPE not even a little bit close.

As always, we take highlights of Mike Zimmer's weekly Monday press conference, and break it down in ways that we can all understand.* As always, his actual quotes are first, and our 100% accurate** and literal translations*** immediately follow.

*There is nothing to understand. Unless you're trying to learn the English language using this article. If so, I implore you to use a different source of reading material. Implore means I pretty please beg.

**And by accurate I mean 100% made up with no insight on anything whatsoever.

***And by literal translation I still mean completely, 100% made up.

What Zim Tzu said: Good morning. Well, it's going to be another bad Tuesday. Every week, Tuesdays are bad. It's game plan day tomorrow, so I'll be watching Carolina. I thought it was a good team win that we had yesterday. We did a lot of good things as a team. We hit some big plays offensively. We scored in the red zone. We punted the ball down and put them down inside the 20-[yard line] five times. So things that I talked about -€” field position -€” I think that was good. Defensively, obviously I thought we played good for most of the night. We played with a lot of heart and fight. Made all of the kicks, so I know everybody is excited about that. So, I thought it was a good team victory.

What Zim Tzu meant: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I HOPE THAT NOT ONLY YOUR TUESDAY SUCKS GREEN BAY BUT EVERY DAY THAT ENDS IN Y FROM NOW UNTIL THE END OF TIME. THEIR TEARS GIVE ME LIFE, THEIR CRYING IS THE LULLABY THAT BRINGS ME JOYOUS REST! AARON RODGERS IS NOW MORE AVERAGE THAT A CPA NAMED BOB WHO DRIVES A HONDA ACCORD THANKS TO US WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

Q: What is the update on Adrian Peterson?

What Zim Tzu said: We're going, just like I told KFAN, if you listened. We're going through the evaluation process to figure out what the next procedure will be, the options that we have.

What Zim Tzu meant: Listen to my goddamn radio show. It's better than your reporting. Not sure yet.

Q: How realistic is it that he can play this weekend?

What Zim Tzu said: You listened. I don't know. We're still going through all the options. We'll have an update as soon as we figure it out, we'll have an update for you, I promise.

What Zim Tzu meant: I said listen. To. My. Fucking. Show.

Q: If he can't play, what do this do to your running back situation?

What Zim Tzu said: Just try to find a way to win, same as we always do. Play as a team, do the right things.

What Zim Tzu meant:: I guess we'll just sit in a corner and feel sorry for ourselves and go woe is us. Or, you know, maybe Jerick McKinnon and Matt Ossinotter ( © Don Glover) don't fucking suck, and we'll be okay. Might actually be nice to not have 25 guys in the box for once. Fuck man, that shit is more irritating than the guy that replaced Jon Stewart.

Q: When you say ‘all options', does that mean not having surgery?

What Zim Tzu said: We're just looking at the options. I don't know what they all are. He's sitting down with the doctors and Suge [Eric Sugarman] and all that stuff.

What Zim Tzu meant: We have several plans. I'm not telling you a thing, though. Deal with it, bitches. It involves scoring a lot of fucking touchdowns, though.

Q: What has been your evaluation of the running game through two weeks?

What Zim Tzu said: Not very good. We didn't play very good up front last night. We didn't pass protect very well. We didn't do a very good job in the run block. They got after us up front, I thought. So we've got to do better.

What Zim Tzu meant: There are varying levels of suck, much like the levels of Hell Dante described. We've managed to create a new level, an area where we can neither run, run block, or pass block for shit. We've dubbed this level the Cleveland level, and I swear to the eight pound, six ounce, newborn baby Jesus sitting there in his golden fleece I will trade you to the actual fucking Cleveland if heads are not pulled out of asses 10 seconds ago. 10. Seconds. Ago.

Q: Did they tell you what kind of tear he suffered?

What Zim Tzu said: I don't know the medical terminology. I just know it's a torn meniscus.

What Zim Tzu meant: It didn't blow up like there was an IED detonated in it like Teddy's knee, but it's still fucked up. Fuckers.

Q: With the penalties, how much of that do you attribute to excitement or discipline?

What Zim Tzu said: Well, some of them were discipline issues and some of them were sloppy technique. We were a little grabby. The one on [Stefon] Diggs was discipline. We jumped offsides twice offensively. The pass interference, the quarterback got out of the pocket and we grabbed a couple times. So it was holding not pass interference. We've got to clean those up. We can't have that many penalties. That hasn't been our M.O. here.

What Zim Tzu meant: Trae Waynes was a little grabby. And by a little grabby, I mean there were times that he was hanging on to Adams or Nelson like they were life jackets and he was jumping off the fucking Titanic...BUT DAT GAME WINNING PICK DOE WOOOOOOOOOOO. I would be pissed at Diggs, but man that kid had a hell of a game so I didn't jump his ass too much. Fuckin' o-line though. CLEVELAND, DO YOU HEAR ME????

Q: What has allowed this team to keep it's focus and overcome adversity?

What Zim Tzu said: Rick [Spielman] has brought in a lot of guys, high-character guys that want to work, that want to get better. I keep saying that this is about the team. Everything we do is about the team here. We're not going to be the only team in the league to have injuries. It's just part of pro football. So we're going to keep plugging away and keep doing our very best to find a way to win.

What Zim Tzu meant: We no longer suck. We're not gonna suck for a long time. Fear the Norsemen.

Q: Does the fact that you have used McKinnon and Asiata in a bigger role before give you confidence?

What Zim Tzu said: Yeah, I have a lot of confidence in those two guys. I think they're both different types of runners but I think the combination of the two can help us.

What Zim Tzu meant: Oh fuck yeah! We'll put Jet in there to catch and run the ball, and when we need a battering ram to get us two yards, it's Ossinotter time. Fantasy owners are gonna hate it, but they can suck my gjallahorn. Twice.

Q: Did you anticipate that Sam Bradford could throw the ball as well as he did?

What Zim Tzu said: I knew he could throw the ball like he did because I've seen him in practice and I saw him on all the tapes. He thorws the ball good and I thought he was tough. He hung in there on some of those throws. For the most part, I think he went to the right reads. The throw to [Kyle] Rudolph, after he hurt his hand, was a great throw. The deep throw to Diggs was a great one. The touchdown throw to Diggs was a great one. Actually the fourth and two play, where they zero blitzed and he faded back away from the rusher and kind of let Diggs get open, was a pretty heady play. So, I thought he did a lot of good things.

What Zim Tzu meant: No fuckin' idea he could sling the rock like that. None. Zero. Of course, when you play for the Rams and Chip Kelly's Chuck and Duck bullshit, a lot of talent can get masked.

Q: What was your first reaction to him going to the locker room? Did you think it was something serious?

What Zim Tzu said: Well I didn't know. You always think it's serious, I guess, when they leave the field. Just time for Shaun [Hill] to get ready.

What Zim Tzu meant: It was FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKTHISISBULLSHITFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK I AM GOING TO MURDER KALIL WITH MY PINKY FINGER FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK

Q: Is there a concern about rushing Adrian Peterson back because you do have confidence in your other two backs?

What Zim Tzu said: You know what we try to do, when players are ready to play, we play them. We don't concern ourselves about the other things. That was a good question, though.

What Zim Tzu meant: Look, we've been through this rodeo before Buffalo Bill. Remember 2014, by chance? The running game wasn't all world, but we did okay. I shall let you live.

Q: You said it's going to be another bad Tuesday, How would you describe the adversity you've had to face already this season?

What Zim Tzu said: Well, I was actually talking about game planning for guys like [Aaron] Rodgers and Cam Newton, that's what I have to do. Last Tuesday was pretty miserable and this Tuesday will be miserable again. But as far as the adversity, I think this is a pretty resilient football team. I think they're tough, I think they're determined. I think they understand that you win football games as a team. You don't win them with one guy. That's kind of why we have so many signs up here. We talk about that all the time.

What Zim Tzu meant: Oh, I wasn't talking about us. No, nononononononono, I was talking about Cam Newton. He's gonna shit his pants when he sees this defense on film. Like literally fill his straw hat. Hell, he already called once wanting to know about the procedure for forfeiting games.

Q: What are your thoughts on Carolina's offense?

What Zim Tzu said: Yeah, it's a headache. It's a headache. They are very, very talented. They've got huge receivers. They've got, obviously, a quarterback who can really run. They run a lot of misdirection things. They run a lot of the option stuff, the nakeds, and they've got quarterback draws, quarterback runs. The tight end is a really good -€” more than one -€” but especially [Greg] Olson. He's a really good tight end. The running backs are good. [Jonathan] Stewart, I guess he's going to be out, but he's really good. They have a ton of weapons. It's not a surprise that they're scoring 43 or 46 or whatever they scored.

What Zim Tzu meant: They're pretty good. We're still gonna kick their ass up and down the field though. See you next Monday.