Rick Spielman Kneeded Some Help

Scene: Just over two weeks ago. Vikings GM Rick Spielman sits in his office at Vikings team headquarters in Winter Park, intently studying whatever it is GM's study.

Man, I am sick of looking at these player evals....let's see what my old buddy is up to.

/beep boop beep beep boop boop beep

/Ring Ring

Hello, Green Bay Packers, where we think we're better than you. Ted Thompson speaking. How may I help  you?

KNOCK KNOCK

Oh come on, Rick. What do you want? The season is just about to start.

I SAID KNOCK KNOCK GM OF A SECOND PLACE TEAM

Sigh...who's there?

CAN YOUR STOCK

Can your stock who?

CAN YOUR STOCK BUY YOU A DIVISION CHAMPIONSHIP HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA RHETORICAL QUESTION IT CAN'T DO SHIT JUST LIKE YOUR WASHED UP QUARTERBACK HOW'S IT FEEL TO NOT HAVE THE BEST QB IN THE DIVISION ANYMORE TEDDY WOOOOOOOOOO SUCK IT BABY!!!!!

/click

Heh...dickhead falls for it everrrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyy time.

/large explosion outside, window rattle

/muffled screaming, sounds of grown men crying

What...in...the...Hell?

/sounds of footsteps coming up the stairs

/Mike Zimmer bursts into office

GOD DAMN IT TEDDY'S KNEE JUST BLEW UP LIKE THERE WAS A FUCKIN' PIPE BOMB IN IT

Wait, what? Look, I just prank called Ted Thompson. I even used my Can Your Stock Knock joke. I WILL BE THE LAUGHINGSTOCK OF THE NFL NOW BECAUSE THIS JOKE IS NOW AS RELEVANT AS THE DETROIT LIONS GOD DAMN IT WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW?

You were already the laughingstock of the NFL with those jokes. And the Willie Beavers draft pick.

Really?

Yeah, man. Really. Beavers, Rick? Come on. I would have preferred anyone there. Devontae Booker, Tajae Sharpe, hey maybe even a developmental quarterback like Cardale Jones in case we had a terrorist attack on Teddy's knee. WHICH SO JUST HAPPENED, MAN.

Look, how was I supposed to know ISIS was gonna blow up Teddy's knee? AND BEAVERS IS A GREAT NAME WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

'We've got Teddy', he says...'We'll be fine, he says'. YEAH HIS KNEE IS MORE MANGLED THAN FUCKIN' HARAMBE AND NOW I NEED A QUARTERBACK SO GET ME ONE OR I WILL RIP ONE OUT OF YOUR ASS.

Damn shame what happened to Harambe.

Yeah. Damn shame.

/unzips silverware drawers

/spoons out for Harambe

/spoons back in

/silverware drawers zipped up

Mike, I think you might be over-reacting. We have Shaun Hill, we'll be fine.

...

...

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Okay, I'll get you another quarterback.

/beep boop beep beep boop boop beep

/Ring Ring

Hello?

Brett, Rick Spielman. How's it going?

Rick! Hey, pretty good! Looks like you've got a good team up there this year. Boy, that Teddy Bridgewater looks like the real deal, man.

Yeah...well...about that. Look, Teddy's knee just got blown up by ISIS. We need a quarterback. You interested?

Oh man, that sucks. Look, I'm actually enjoying retirement. And besides, you have Shaun Hill. You'll be fine.

...

...

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Yeah, you're pretty well fucked.

You sure we can't interest you? We'll let you wear your Hall of Fame jacket to press conferences. You can even cut off the sleeves if you want.

And play behind that line? You could fly 20 players down here for two weeks and you couldn't convince me. Seriously, I'd rather answer two hours worth of dick pic questions than run for my life behind that shitpile. Willie Beavers, seriously?

IT'S A GREAT NA--

/click

Damn it.

Well?

He's, uh, thinking about it. Look, I have an idea. Let me call in a favor with a buddy of mine in Philly.

/beep boop beep beep boop boop beep

/Ring Ring

Philadelphia Eagles, home of literally the worst fan base in professional sports. Howie Roseman speaking, may I help you?

Howie baby! How's it going?

Hey Rick, how goes it? Boy, that Teddy Bridgewater's gonna ball out this year, man. You excited about him?

Eh, you know, whatevs. Say, what's Sam Bradford up to?

Wait...why?

Well...Teddy's knee sorta blew up. Pipe bomb. ISIS.

Oh man...so, you're interested in Sammy, huh?

Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyybeeeeeeeee...

Well, look. I'm willing to move Sam. I'm going to need a first round pick, though.

What? You're shitting me? Teddy's knee is bad, but Sam's knee has blown up more than a fireworks stand soaked in gasoline. TWICE! Fuck outta here, a first round pick.

Rick, before you hang up, hear me out. This league overvalues Sam Bradford more than rubes that walk into Rick's Pawn Shop overvalue some tattered Velvet Elvis signed by Wayne Brady or some shit. Let's say Sam doesn't get hurt this year...

...

...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

...anyway, he stays healthy, does pretty well for you guys, even. Maybe gets your team to the playoffs, maybe even wins you a playoff game.

Okay, so? What's your point?

Dude...we gave up a second round pick AND ANOTHER STARTING QUARTERBACK for Sam Bradford, we backed up a Brinks truck into his driveway, and he really hasn't done shit. He's like a living, breathing example of a government employee. If Bradford fogs a mirror and doesn't break in to 1,000 pieces, you'll be able to avenge the Herschel Walker trade once Teddy is healthy. Tenfold.

Howie, look, NO ONE is that stupid. Those days are long gone.

/Ring Ring

Hey, Howie, let me put you on hold. My other line is ringing.

/Ring Ring

Rick Spielman, Minnesota Vikings. How may I help you?

Ricky! Jimmy Haslam, Cleveland Browns. Hey,  I've been talking to our homeless psychic, you know the one. He told us to sign Robert Griffin III because he was going to win Comeback Player of the Year AND League MVP...WHICH IS SO GONNA HAPPEN--

Jimmy...can I put you on hold for a second? Got a call on the other line I need to finish up really quick.

Sure, you betcha.

/beep boop

Howie, you still there?

Yeah. Look, so hey, Bradford really isn't that bad, and if you really stop and think about it, you'll see--

Deal.

What?

Deal. Hell, I'll even throw in a conditional fourth round pick.

Wait, seriously?

Yeah, seriously. Deal, done.

Wait...Is Jimmy Haslam on the other line or something? Is that the other call?

Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyybeeeeee...

Thank God for Cleveland, man. They make us look like fuckin' rocket scientists, don't they? Enjoy the 20 draft picks and Joe Thomas you just got for Bradford in a year.

No no no, my man. Thank YOU!

Bradford, huh? Not bad, Rick. Not bad. Thank God Adrian Peterson and Matt Kalil are healthy, so we can bring Sam along slowly.

I know, right?

Seriously. Okay, I've about had enough of this knee injury bullshit for one season. Glad we won't have any more of that horseshit.

/large explosion outside, window rattles

/muffled screaming, sounds of grown men crying