clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Rick Spielman Kneeded Some Help

New, comments

How the Bradford trade really went down, via some floating heads

Bruce Kluckhohn-USA TODAY Sports

Scene: Just over two weeks ago. Vikings GM Rick Spielman sits in his office at Vikings team headquarters in Winter Park, intently studying whatever it is GM's study.

Spielaman floating head
Man, I am sick of looking at these player evals....let's see what my old buddy is up to.

phone 2
/beep boop beep beep boop boop beep

phone 2
/Ring Ring

thompson small head
Hello, Green Bay Packers, where we think we're better than you. Ted Thompson speaking. How may I help  you?

Spielaman floating head
KNOCK KNOCK

thompson small head
Oh come on, Rick. What do you want? The season is just about to start.

Spielaman floating head
I SAID KNOCK KNOCK GM OF A SECOND PLACE TEAM

thompson small head
Sigh...who's there?

Spielaman floating head
CAN YOUR STOCK

thompson small head
Can your stock who?

Spielaman floating head
CAN YOUR STOCK BUY YOU A DIVISION CHAMPIONSHIP HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA RHETORICAL QUESTION IT CAN'T DO SHIT JUST LIKE YOUR WASHED UP QUARTERBACK HOW'S IT FEEL TO NOT HAVE THE BEST QB IN THE DIVISION ANYMORE TEDDY WOOOOOOOOOO SUCK IT BABY!!!!!

phone 2
/click

Spielaman floating head
Heh...dickhead falls for it everrrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyy time.

/large explosion outside, window rattle

/muffled screaming, sounds of grown men crying

Spielaman floating head
What...in...the...Hell?

/sounds of footsteps coming up the stairs

/Mike Zimmer bursts into office

zimmer floating head
GOD DAMN IT TEDDY'S KNEE JUST BLEW UP LIKE THERE WAS A FUCKIN' PIPE BOMB IN IT

Spielaman floating head
Wait, what? Look, I just prank called Ted Thompson. I even used my Can Your Stock Knock joke. I WILL BE THE LAUGHINGSTOCK OF THE NFL NOW BECAUSE THIS JOKE IS NOW AS RELEVANT AS THE DETROIT LIONS GOD DAMN IT WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW?

zimmer floating head
You were already the laughingstock of the NFL with those jokes. And the Willie Beavers draft pick.

Spielaman floating head
Really?

zimmer floating head
Yeah, man. Really. Beavers, Rick? Come on. I would have preferred anyone there. Devontae Booker, Tajae Sharpe, hey maybe even a developmental quarterback like Cardale Jones in case we had a terrorist attack on Teddy's knee. WHICH SO JUST HAPPENED, MAN.

Spielaman floating head
Look, how was I supposed to know ISIS was gonna blow up Teddy's knee? AND BEAVERS IS A GREAT NAME WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

zimmer floating head
'We've got Teddy', he says...'We'll be fine, he says'. YEAH HIS KNEE IS MORE MANGLED THAN FUCKIN' HARAMBE AND NOW I NEED A QUARTERBACK SO GET ME ONE OR I WILL RIP ONE OUT OF YOUR ASS.

Spielaman floating head
Damn shame what happened to Harambe.

zimmer floating head
Yeah. Damn shame.

Spielaman floating head
zimmer floating head
/unzips silverware drawers

Spielaman floating head
zimmer floating head
/spoons out for Harambe

zimmer floating head
Spielaman floating head
/spoons back in

Spielaman floating head
zimmer floating head
/silverware drawers zipped up

Spielaman floating head
Mike, I think you might be over-reacting. We have Shaun Hill, we'll be fine.

zimmer floating head
...

Spielaman floating head
...

zimmer floating head
Spielaman floating head
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Spielaman floating head
Okay, I'll get you another quarterback.

phone 2
/beep boop beep beep boop boop beep

phone 2
/Ring Ring

Favre floating head
Hello?

Spielaman floating head
Brett, Rick Spielman. How's it going?

Favre floating head
Rick! Hey, pretty good! Looks like you've got a good team up there this year. Boy, that Teddy Bridgewater looks like the real deal, man.

Spielaman floating head
Yeah...well...about that. Look, Teddy's knee just got blown up by ISIS. We need a quarterback. You interested?

Favre floating head
Oh man, that sucks. Look, I'm actually enjoying retirement. And besides, you have Shaun Hill. You'll be fine.

Spielaman floating head
...

Favre floating head
...

Favre floating head
Spielaman floating head
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Favre floating head
Yeah, you're pretty well fucked.

Spielaman floating head
You sure we can't interest you? We'll let you wear your Hall of Fame jacket to press conferences. You can even cut off the sleeves if you want.

Favre floating head
And play behind that line? You could fly 20 players down here for two weeks and you couldn't convince me. Seriously, I'd rather answer two hours worth of dick pic questions than run for my life behind that shitpile. Willie Beavers, seriously?

Spielaman floating head
IT'S A GREAT NA--

phone 2
/click

Spielaman floating head
Damn it.

zimmer floating head
Well?

Spielaman floating head
He's, uh, thinking about it. Look, I have an idea. Let me call in a favor with a buddy of mine in Philly.

phone 2
/beep boop beep beep boop boop beep

phone 2
/Ring Ring

Howie Roseman
Philadelphia Eagles, home of literally the worst fan base in professional sports. Howie Roseman speaking, may I help you?

Spielaman floating head
Howie baby! How's it going?

Howie Roseman
Hey Rick, how goes it? Boy, that Teddy Bridgewater's gonna ball out this year, man. You excited about him?

Spielaman floating head
Eh, you know, whatevs. Say, what's Sam Bradford up to?

Howie Roseman
Wait...why?

Spielaman floating head
Well...Teddy's knee sorta blew up. Pipe bomb. ISIS.

Howie Roseman
Oh man...so, you're interested in Sammy, huh?

Spielaman floating head
Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyybeeeeeeeee...

Howie Roseman
Well, look. I'm willing to move Sam. I'm going to need a first round pick, though.

Spielaman floating head
What? You're shitting me? Teddy's knee is bad, but Sam's knee has blown up more than a fireworks stand soaked in gasoline. TWICE! Fuck outta here, a first round pick.

Howie Roseman
Rick, before you hang up, hear me out. This league overvalues Sam Bradford more than rubes that walk into Rick's Pawn Shop overvalue some tattered Velvet Elvis signed by Wayne Brady or some shit. Let's say Sam doesn't get hurt this year...

Spielaman floating head
...

Howie Roseman
...

Spielaman floating head
Howie Roseman
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Howie Roseman
...anyway, he stays healthy, does pretty well for you guys, even. Maybe gets your team to the playoffs, maybe even wins you a playoff game.

Spielaman floating head
Okay, so? What's your point?

Howie Roseman
Dude...we gave up a second round pick AND ANOTHER STARTING QUARTERBACK for Sam Bradford, we backed up a Brinks truck into his driveway, and he really hasn't done shit. He's like a living, breathing example of a government employee. If Bradford fogs a mirror and doesn't break in to 1,000 pieces, you'll be able to avenge the Herschel Walker trade once Teddy is healthy. Tenfold.

Spielaman floating head
Howie, look, NO ONE is that stupid. Those days are long gone.

phone 2
/Ring Ring

Spielaman floating head
Hey, Howie, let me put you on hold. My other line is ringing.

phone 2
/Ring Ring

Spielaman floating head
Rick Spielman, Minnesota Vikings. How may I help you?

Haslam head shot
Ricky! Jimmy Haslam, Cleveland Browns. Hey,  I've been talking to our homeless psychic, you know the one. He told us to sign Robert Griffin III because he was going to win Comeback Player of the Year AND League MVP...WHICH IS SO GONNA HAPPEN--

Spielaman floating head
Jimmy...can I put you on hold for a second? Got a call on the other line I need to finish up really quick.

Haslam head shot
Sure, you betcha.

phone 2
/beep boop

Spielaman floating head
Howie, you still there?

Howie Roseman
Yeah. Look, so hey, Bradford really isn't that bad, and if you really stop and think about it, you'll see--

Spielaman floating head
Deal.

Howie Roseman
What?

Spielaman floating head
Deal. Hell, I'll even throw in a conditional fourth round pick.

Howie Roseman
Wait, seriously?

Spielaman floating head
Yeah, seriously. Deal, done.

Howie Roseman
Wait...Is Jimmy Haslam on the other line or something? Is that the other call?

Spielaman floating head
Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyybeeeeee...

Howie Roseman
Thank God for Cleveland, man. They make us look like fuckin' rocket scientists, don't they? Enjoy the 20 draft picks and Joe Thomas you just got for Bradford in a year.

Spielaman floating head
No no no, my man. Thank YOU!

zimmer floating head
Bradford, huh? Not bad, Rick. Not bad. Thank God Adrian Peterson and Matt Kalil are healthy, so we can bring Sam along slowly.

Spielaman floating head
I know, right?

zimmer floating head
Seriously. Okay, I've about had enough of this knee injury bullshit for one season. Glad we won't have any more of that horseshit.

/large explosion outside, window rattles

/muffled screaming, sounds of grown men crying