When you are a head coach/warrior poet, mercy is an emotion you must find a balance with. For some, such as your own warriors, mercy and compassion, at the right time and place, will create undying loyalty with your troops. But mercy is something you cannot afford to grant your enemy on the gridiron, as that leads to weakness. Weakness leads to vacillation, and vacillation leads to losing.
And you are a lot of things, but a vacillating loser isn't one of them. Because you are Zim Tzu: High Septon Of Mankato, Eviscerator of Titans, Maître Fromager, Spinner of the Charlotte Web, and Warden Of The North.
Showing no mercy on an opponent that underestimates you is especially satisfying. When experts and opponents dismiss your chances against Superman and his troops, and you batter them for about 50 minutes, it's tough to not come right out and say what you want.
So, you have to moderate your words, and nuance your thoughts so the NFL doesn't fine you for your language. And that's where we*, the intellectually highbrow site** that is The Daily Norseman, comes in.***
*By 'we', I mean that no one else on the staff would touch this with a ten foot pole. So yeah, it me. Just me. Only me.
***By comes in, I mean I go straight for the cheap laughs, using coarse language and dumb jokes.
As always, we take Mike Zimmer's weekly press conference*, digest his words**, then interpret them accordingly.***
*They are real quotes. That's the only thing that is legitimate in this whole post.
**I just read them.
***I make shit up. All of it. So much made up shit.
As always, Coach Zimmer's actual press conference answers are in block quotes, and our 100% made up bullshit interpretations immediately follow.
What Zim Tzu said: I think yesterday was a good team win. I thought in the second half the offense played a lot better. After the first quarter probably, we played better defensively. For the most part on special teams I thought we did a good job. [Jeff] Locke punted them down there a bunch of times. We had a punt return that kind of changed the momentum of the game. It was good to go down there and win.
What Zim Tzu meant: Defense was great for the last 50 minutes. Offense didn't suck in the second half. JEFF LOCKE YO! MARCUS SHERELS, YO! I AIN'T TALKIN' ABOUT WALSH THOUGH! Cam just got sacked again. HOW DO YOU LIKE US NOW, BITCHES WOOOOOOO????
Q: When did Cordarrelle Patterson at the gunner spot come about and how did he do?
What Zim Tzu said: He did well. We practiced with it a little bit last week. With some of the heat things Mike Priefer decided to put him in there and he did a nice job with it.
What Zim Tzu meant: Look, Norv isn't going to play him on offense, so fuck it, let him play gunner.
Q: Do you think that is something he would have bought into a year ago?
What Zim Tzu said: Probably not.
What Zim Tzu meant: LOL fuck no.
Q: Why the change?
What Zim Tzu said: I think he wants to play. I think he's trying to do everything he can to get on the field.
What Zim Tzu meant: Because I put my foot in his ass.
Q: How do you think TJ Clemmings performed?
What Zim Tzu said: I thought he did pretty well. He did a nice job in pass protection, used his hands well. There were some really good things in the running game. Obviously, there was some other issues. I think for the first time, it was pretty good.
What Zim Tzu meant: He did not suck, and he did not have a torn labrum in his hip. I am clinging to TJ like a passenger on the Costa Concordia clung to a life jacket. Please don't get Sam Bradford killed. Please.
Q: What is he doing better than last year?
What Zim Tzu said: I think his sets, I think the way he is carrying his hands. He's not lunging.
What Zim Tzu meant: He's not getting his ass kicked on every snap. So yeah, we'll take it.
Q: What have you seen from Danielle Hunter?
What Zim Tzu said: Danielle has a chance to be a really good football player. Dynamic in really a lot of things, not just in the pass rush. He continues to play a little more freer than he has.
What Zim Tzu meant: Danielle Hunter killed Cam Newton and left him on the road like a hit and run victim, and made Michael Oher his bitch. All. Day. Long. It was more beautiful than a sunset on a beach full of supermodels.
Q: Was there anything that stood out on the film to you?
What Zim Tzu said: I think a big key to it was being able to be pretty good against the run. That last scramble he got in the fourth quarter put them over 100 yards. I think stopping the run was actually a pretty big key and we gave up a nine or 12-yard run the first play of the game. Once we settled that down I think we were able to be more varied defensively.
What Zim Tzu meant: Cam Newton, on his back all day long. Just like your mother, Trebek.
Q: In a game like yesterday, do you get the sense that you're confusing and frustrating a quarterback?
What Zim Tzu said: I don't know, these guys are all pretty good players. It's hard to really confuse guys anymore. We try to do our best and really, I know people are saying that it's me against the guy or that guy. We've got good players. These guys execute the things we try to get them to do. It's a players game and these guys have been executing and doing a nice job. I can't go out there and cover a guy or rush a guy or anything like that. It really has nothing to do with me.
What Zim Tzu meant: Fuck yeah I do. Our defense just made two of the smartest quarterbacks in the game look dumber than Charlie at the end of Flowers for Algernon, man.
Q: How much do you enjoy the cat and mouse game with pressuring a quarterback?
What Zim Tzu said: Do I enjoy it? I don't know. It's just trying to keep the offense on edge I guess, the best we can. If we didn't have good guys, smart guys, and then guys that can win one-on-one we wouldn't be able to do a lot of stuff that we do.
What Zim Tzu meant: Eh, I can take it or leave it WAIT JUST KIDDING WHEN AARON RODGERS CRIES LIKE A BABY HIS TEARS NOURISH MY FUCKING SOUL!!
Q: What is the update on Alex Boone's injury?
What Zim Tzu said: He had an MRI and he should be okay, I think.
What Zim Tzu meant: WOOOOOOOOOOOOO HE ISN'T GOING ON IR WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Q: Do you think he will play next week?
What Zim Tzu said: I think so, I won't know until we get out there at practice but from what I understand he's feeling better.
What Zim Tzu meant: WOOOOOOOOOOOOO HE ISN'T GOING ON IR WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Q: What have you seen from Jeremiah Sirles to make him the next man up?
What Zim Tzu said: Well, number one, he plays a lot of positions. We gave him a lot of work at guard this last week anyways. He went in there and did a really good job. He got to the second level. Did a nice job in pass protection, did a good job.
What Zim Tzu meant: Well, we used the mirror test. What's the mirror test, you ask? Well, we snuck into Jeremiah's house while he was sleeping, and we stuck a mirror under his nose. If the mirror fogs, he can be an offensive lineman for the Minnesota Vikings. If it doesn't fog, that means the player has unfortunately died and will be placed on IR, with an eligible to return designation after about six weeks.
Q: Do you have an update on David Morgan's injury?
What Zim Tzu said: He's got something with his knee.
What Zim Tzu meant: Fuckin' knee. Of course. Because knees just piss me off.
Q: Will he be out for a while?
What Zim Tzu said: I don't know.
What Zim Tzu meant: Probably. Because of course with knees and this team.
Q: Will he be placed on injured reserve?
What Zim Tzu said: No IR (injured reserve).
What Zim Tzu meant: HAHAHAHAHAHA FUCK YOU IR IT'S LIKE CHEATING DEATH WHEN WE AVOID IT WITH PLAYERS THESE DAYS WOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Q: Did you hear from Bill Parcells?
What Zim Tzu said: Yeah, I talked to him. He texted me right after the game. Then he texted me at 5:30 this morning and called me after that. So, I've talked to him three times. He's just giving me advice.
What Zim Tzu meant: Yeah, so?
Q: Did he like what he saw from your team?
What Zim Tzu said: Yeah, he's not real complimentary all of the time, but he's telling me how we keep going.
What Zim Tzu meant: I guess...but again, so what?
Q: What didn't Bill Parcells like?
What Zim Tzu said: I don't know. I don't even know if he watched the game. He didn't tell me if he watched the game or not. We just talked about moving forward.
What Zim Tzu meant: This fuckin' guy with the Parcells questions.
Q: Are you surprised that he was awake that early?
What Zim Tzu said: He said that he's so invested in this team that he had to go get a workout in to get this stress relieved.
What Zim Tzu meant: Holy fucking shit did Zygi hire Parcells or something? What the fuck guys?
Q: You play the Giants this week, do you think that he's going to give you advice on them?
What Zim Tzu said: He doesn't typically give me advice on the other team. He gives me advice on my team.
What Zim Tzu meant: LOL Parcells questions.
Q: Did Parcells give you the ‘don't get too happy' speech?
What Zim Tzu said: No, it's wasn't really that. It was really things to move forward with.
What Zim Tzu meant: FUCK OUTTA HERE WITH PARCELLS ALREADY.
Q: Why hasn't the production been there for Charles Johnson?
What Zim Tzu said: I don't know. That's a good question. I don't know.
What Zim Tzu meant: He sucks.
Q: Is Charles Johnson getting separation?
What Zim Tzu said: Sometimes.
What Zim Tzu meant: No.
Q: What does Laquon Treadwell need to do to get on the field?
What Zim Tzu said: Continue to do better in practice.
What Zim Tzu meant: Calm down, everyone. He's not a bust. He'll get his chance.
Q: What has his attitude been like?
What Zim Tzu said: Good. His attitude is great. His attitude is really good. He's working, just biding his time until he gets an opportunity. It's like, kind of, [Stefon] Diggs was last year.
What Zim Tzu meant: Better than the slapdicks that are already calling him a bust. Calm the fuck down, people.
Q: Is it just comfort with the offense?
What Zim Tzu said: I still think he's thinking a little bit about the number of steps to take on each route and things like that, and it's just being at the right depth and things of that sort. But no, he's doing good. He'll be fine.
What Zim Tzu meant: Seriously, it'll be fine. Here's what I would like you to do with this 'Treadwell is a bust' bullshit talk. Let it marinade overnight, wrap it in foil, then shove it up your ass sideways. Seriously, he'll be fine. See you next Tuesday.