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Zim Tzu Can Bearly Tolerate You

The Vikings warrior poet coach dispenses his weekly words of wisdom.

NFL: Minnesota Vikings at Chicago Bears Patrick Gorski-USA TODAY Sports

Sometimes, when you’re in the middle of a journey, you need milestones to keep going. When I’m driving cross country, I think to myself ‘town X is 50 miles from here. I’ll get gas and a bite to eat there. I can make it.’

Because in long journeys, there will be peaks an valleys along the way. Traffic jams, road construction that slows you down, maybe an unexpected mechanical problem. Or maybe even a recurring mechanical problem you know about that requires you to do some repair work before you leave, or maybe get a rental car. Even though you encounter those stupid orange barrels, potholes, stop and start traffic on the interstate, and a good portion of your journey is frustrating, you somehow get through it and persevere, and get to where you want to go.

Because you are Zim Tzu: Hunter Of Bears, He Who Makes Pirates Walk The Plank, Impaler Of The Fleur De Lis, First Of His Name, High Septon Of Mankato, Lord Commander Of The Iron Range And Twin Cities, and Warden Of The North.

And if you’re making this trip with little kids you need to keep them occupied so you don’t lose your mind. The easy answer is to drink, but chugging a beer with your wife and kids in the car is poor form. You may think it’s fine, but when it’s The State of Minnesota vs. You, and you’re dropping a lot of money you don’t have to get your DUI plead down to reckless driving, open container, and probation with no jail time, you’d wish you’d had some words of wisdom to keep the little ankle biters occupied.

You need help communicating* with the metaphorical ankle biters, the great unwashed,** and that’s where we come in, The Daily Norseman.***

*Literally needs none of my help doing anything

**I write that with the assumption most of you have decent basic hygiene skills

***I have been disowned by this blog when I write this. This is all me, so send me your scorn or praise. What’s that? Scorn? Got it, and I understand.

That’s where we swoop in to the rescue, and pluck you out of the hot LZ you find yourself in.* We take what Mike Zimmer actually said in his day after the game press conference,** and translate those words into common everyday language we all understand.***

*Nope, not anymore. I just write stupid posts like this one here. It’s a lot less dangerous. Except in the comment section.

**We really do this part!

***No translating. All made up, 100% of it.

As usual, Zim Tzu made an opening statement.

What Zim Tzu said: We watched the tape, quickly, then we got moving on to Green Bay. I thought there was some really good things. Our guys fought hard. The second half, offensively, was much better than the first half, obviously. I thought the offensive line played much better in the second half. We made some plays. Had two good scoring drives. Defensively, I thought we played fairly solid. We made some mistakes, obviously, we got a lot of cleaning up to do in some other areas. Overall, it was a good win. Any time you can win a division game on the road, I think it’s important.

What Zim Tzu meant: We watched that shitty ass game at twice the normal speed to get through it. Did enough to win, in Chicago, with all the bullshit voodoo curses and hexes. Suck it, Trubisky. Your throws look like football herpes.

Q: How difficult is it to work around the uncertainty of Sam Bradford’s injury?

What Zim Tzu said: It’s not difficult, we just go each day.

What Zim Tzu meant: It sucks so freaking bad.

Q: Is it possible Bradford plays this Sunday?

What Zim Tzu said: We don’t know yet, we’ll see. Didn’t Eric [Sugarman] talk to you guys? He said he’s going to check to see how he’s going to do tomorrow and we’ll see where he goes from there.

What Zim Tzu meant: There is a better chance the US Men’s National Team makes the World Cup now than there is Sam Bradford playing Sunday.

Q: What does the resiliency of the defense bring to this team?

What Zim Tzu said: Especially the last two games, I’ve really noticed this group on the sideline, the energy, the enthusiasm that they have. I guess belief is a good word. The things that they’re doing, I think they feel confident in what we’re trying to do. I think George [Edwards] is doing a nice job with the defensive guys. We’ve been very fortunate on third downs, we’ve been pretty good in that area. That always helps to not extend drives.

What Zim Tzu meant: This defense kinda looked across the line of scrimmage and said ‘this is some serious bullshit with you guys losing ANOTHER goddamn quarterback and ANOTHER goddamn running back. Fuck it, jump on our shoulders until Teddy gets back. We gotcha.’

Q: Did Jerick McKinnon show you something last night?

What Zim Tzu said: Yeah, I thought he ran the ball well. I thought it was really big, he fumbled on the kickoff, and then came back and gets some big yards there, 58-yard touchdown. I thought it was good, showed his resiliency coming back after the fumble.

What Zim Tzu meant: Yeah, he showed me that Dalvin Cook would’ve gotten over 200 yards. God damn it I hate ACL’s.

Q: What did you think of Case Keenum’s performance?

What Zim Tzu said: Pretty good, 17 out of 21. Like all our guys, there’s good things and things he can improve on.

What Zim Tzu meant: It’s pretty fucking amazing what a quarterback can do when he doesn’t throw clubfooted and with a brace on his plant foot.

Q: Do you have a good sense of what Case Keenum can do?

What Zim Tzu said: Well, I think he’s won two games, he showed he’s had some good stuff on tape. I think the team believes when he comes in there he’s going to go in there and play well and that’s the most important thing.

What Zim Tzu meant: I know he’s bi-polar as fuck as a player. One week he’s throwing for 369 yards, the next week he makes me want to throw up.

Q: Does his mobility change what you might be willing to call?

What Zim Tzu said: Sometimes. I mean, we had some of those plays in for Sam too. It wasn’t, ‘Okay, if Sam doesn’t go, this guy has this.’ We had those plays in the gameplan.

What Zim Tzu meant: Yeah, it does. When we decided to take Sam out, I turned to Pat Shurmur and said ‘hey, let’s not run the fucking three step quarterback dive play again’, and Shurm just kinda shrugged his shoulders and said fine.

Q: Will Teddy Bridgewater play this season?

What Zim Tzu said: I have belief that he will but he hasn’t been on the field yet so it’s hard to say. Didn’t Sugarman tell you about that too?

What Zim Tzu meant: You’re goddamn right he is.

Q: Is Aaron Rodgers your favorite quarterback to game plan against? When you beat him in the past, he’s always given you credit.

What Zim Tzu said: No. No, he is not my favorite one. There has been a lot of favorites, but they’re not playing in the NFL anymore.

What Zim Tzu meant: Fuck that guy. I hope he retires soon.

Q: How did Stefon Diggs come out of the game health-wise?

What Zim Tzu said: I don’t know. We’ll have to see how it goes tomorrow.

What Zim Tzu meant: With the way things have gone around here, I’m just happy is knee didn’t explode and shoot the bottom part of his leg into the fifth row.

Q: Any concern about Nick Easton’s injury?

What Zim Tzu said: Same.

What Zim Tzu meant: Same.