clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Report: Soldier Field Found To Sit On Alien Controlled Twilight Zone

Logic can’t explain Minnesota’s futility at Soldier Field. It’s gotta be something else. Like aliens.

Alien Con 2016 - Day 1
Could the Vikings futility be the result of an Alien portal? The answer is ‘yes, it could be.’
Photo by Ramin Talaie/Getty Images for History

Researchers at The Glover Minimum Wage Job Academy And Chinese Takeout Institute have just published a ground breaking report on the yearly events surrounding the Vikings at Soldier Field in the 21st century.*

*There is no report, because I have no institute. Actually, I should be institutionalized, but that’s nether here nor there. I do like Chinese food, though.

The report, authored by Ancient Aliens host Giorgio Tsoukalos and Coast To Coast radio host George Noory, has concluded that Soldier Field is the door to an alien controlled inter-dimensional portal, one that transforms average Chicago Bears quarterbacks into temporary Hall of Fame players, thanks to alien influence and technology. This phenomenon only occurs once a year, during what the report has labeled ‘The Vikings Equinox’, or the week the Vikings visit Chicago.

“You have to ask yourself”, said Tsoukalos, “how is it possible that a team like the Vikings, in many cases a favored team over the Bears, can come to Soldier Field and lose in such mystifying ways?”

Tsoukalos pauses, then continues.

“Could it be aliens? The answer is YES. It could be aliens, and the technology they use.”

The report chronicles each loss the Vikings have endured at Solider Field since 2001. Let’s look at some things that just can’t be explained in normal terms.

It’s Miller Time

In 2001 and 2002, the Vikings lost to a guy by the name of Jim Miller. By day, Jim was a union plumber and MVP of his rec league softball team. On Sundays, in Chicago, against the Vikings, Jim transformed in to a guy that would have gone to the Hall of Fame if every week had been the Vikings in Chicago.

“Is it possible for a plumber and rec league first baseman to be an NFL quarterback?” asks Tsoukalos.

“No, it’s not. But is it possible with alien help and technology? And the answer is...YES it is possible.”

The Sex Cannon Chronicles

Rex Grossman is a guy that had a star crossed career in Chicago, only not against the Vikings at Soldier Field. He went 2-0 there, winning games in 2003 and 2006. The 2006 game was a mystifying one, as Grossman only went 6-19 for 34 yards and three interceptions. Yet the Bears still won, because Vikings QB Brad Johnson was 11-25 for 74 yards and four interceptions.

“We believe this was more of a government mind control experiment more so than aliens”, says Noory. “That weekend we know the CIA was conducting experiments off the coast of Lake Michigan, and that easily explains the quarterback performance, for both players.”

Well then, how did the Vikings end up on the short end of the scoreboard?

“It’s also a known fact that then coach Brad Childress was a 33rd level Mason, a member of the Knights Templar, and in college was in the Skull and Bones”, explains Noory. “All of these activities confirm that he was too busy to develop a game plan to stop the Bears.”

Chad Hutchinson And I Can’t Even

The most puzzling case in all of this, and one of the strongest pieces of evidence that points to an influence from forces other than Earth, is Chad Hutchinson. Hutchinson, who disappeared immediately following the game, has never been heard from again, and no one knows what exactly happened that day.

“If you look at photos of Hutchinson,” says Tsoukalos, “he is wearing clothes that are consistent with the ‘Men In Black’, mysterious beings that visit people who have encountered a UFO. Most alien theorists believe they are not human at all, but aliens disguised as humans. And once they visit, they return to their home planet, never to be seen again. If you look at statistics of Hutchinson before the game, and then statistics for that game, there is something that indicates an influence not of this earth. Is it possible for Chad Hutchinson to throw three touchdown passes in one game? No, it isn’t. But is it possible for Hutchinson to throw three touchdown passes in one game if he has alien technology helping him, or if he is an alien? And the answer is YES it is possible. Was it possible Chad Hutchinson was one of the Men In Black? Yes, it IS possible, and that portal also explains his disappearance.”

The Jay Cutler Paradox

But by far the strangest case of all involves Bears quarterback Jay Cutler. Cutler’s career is the strongest case yet for alien influence, says Tsoukalos.

“Jay Cutler, everywhere he played, was just an average quarterback. Yes, he had a lot of hype coming out of college, but that was the narrative the lamestream media wanted you to believe. Where did Jay Cutler play quarterback? Vanderbilt. We know the Vanderbilt family is part of the Bilderberg group, the Bilderberg group runs the Trilateral Commission, and the Trilateral commission runs the media. The media...which we can trace directly to Jay Cutler, propped up Jay Cutler as a great prospect.”

Tsoukalos was just getting warmed up, though.

“We also know that the Trilateral Commission runs the CIA, and it’s the CIA that is the governing agency for Alien Diplomacy And Relations. We also know that THREE DAYS after Cutler was traded to Chicago, a move we can prove was orchestrated by the CIA, the agency opened up a brand new field office just one block down from Soldier Field, in the back of a Chicago style pizza joint. It was the first Pizzagate, and was perfect cover for Jay Cutler to play great football during the Vikings Equinox.”

“Think about it! Did Jay Cutler suck against every other team? Yes he did. Does Jay Cutler suck in Miami? Yes he does. Did he suck against the Vikings in Chicago? No he didn’t! Is the only possible theory for this because Jay Cutler is an alien, controlled by the CIA specifically during the Vikings Equinox? The answer to this question can only be...YES.”

Tsoukalos is uncertain whether or not the portal is still open, though.

“Check back with me Tuesday. If Mitchell Trubisky wins his first start against a good defense, could it be aliens? The answer is could be.”