Sometimes, you find yourself in a unit, and you know the opponent you’re about to face is inherently weaker than you. And you know you’re going to kick their ass. And they know they’re going to get their ass kicked.
One of two things happens in this scenario. One, you kick their ass, as everyone expects. Two, and this is the terrifying one...you let the weaker opponent hang around, do a couple things to give them hope and belief, and the next thing you know, you find yourself as the ass kickee, and not the ass kicker.
And that outcome is not acceptable.
Because you are Zim Tzu, Murderer of Crows, Melter Of Cheese, Hunter Of Bears, He Who Makes Pirates Walk The Plank, Impaler Of The Fleur De Lis, First Of His Name, High Septon Of Mankato, Lord Commander Of The Iron Range And Twin Cities, and Warden Of The North.
And when you’re an ass kicker, you tend to be blunt about how you went about doing it. Only, you can’t be too blunt, lest others learn your ways, copy your methods, and one day leave you black and blue.
That’s where we come in, the creative writers* here at The Daily Norseman. We take Mike Zimmer’s superfluous prose** and break it down to a level that we, the evergreen ass kickees in life, can understand and comprehend.***
*This is probably the most uninspired thing you’ll ever read
**I needed Google to figure out how to spell superflous, much less understand what the hell it means
***Life does kick our ass, but this post is like corn. It has no nutritional value whatsoever, so expect no nourishment here
As always we take portions of Mike Zimmer’s weekly press conference*, and just sorta make shit up from there in the translation.**
*We really do that!
**Just sorta = literally
As is usually the case, Zim Tzu had an opening statement.
What Zim Tzu said: After watching the tape, I thought it was a good team win yesterday. Baltimore special teams are very, very good. They’re good year in and year out. Jerry Rosburg is their special teams coach, does a great job. I thought we played outstanding on special teams. We changed the field position quite a few times. Punted the ball, kicked the ball well, covered. Had some good returns. That was a big part of it. Offensively, we started out a little bit slow but I thought we had a lot of good drives there in the second half. Obviously, we ran the ball well. We got in the red zone and we didn’t convert some third downs which caused us to kick field goals. Defensively, I thought for most of the day we played pretty well. Get back at it and get to work.
What Zim Tzu meant: You know, we kinda fuddle fucked around for a good part of Sunday’s game, but special teams bailed us out, defense was awesome, and offense was just below salty ball licking bad. But hell, it was still good enough to beat a shitty Ravens team, so what the hell, we’ll take it.
Q: What stood out to you on film about the offensive line?
What Zim Tzu said: They’re just solid in everything they do. Mike Remmers played well, Riley [Reiff] played well, [Pat] Elflein. These guys, [Danny] Isidora when he went in there played well, [Joe] Berger. They’re playing good together. They’re all on the same page. You see the footwork is the same. Everything kind of looks like it’s supposed to. We were able to open up some holes. I think they’re playing good.
What Zim Tzu meant: Our starters are pretty fuckin’ good. Our backups register a pulse, fog a mirror, and actually block people from time to time. I’m beside myself with everlasting joy.
Q: How much does Case Keenum’s pocket presence contribute to him not being sacked in the last three games?
What Zim Tzu said: Well, I think some of it. It’s a combination of things, we’re moving the pocket a little bit. We’re also blocking well up front. Identifying the pressures, that was a big one with these guys because they’ve got a little bit different kind of pressure package. The backs have done a good job of knowing who to block. A lot of it is being on the same page. Pat [Shurmur] has done a good job of changing it up, changing it up with different protection calls and the different things we’re doing out of it.
What Zim Tzu meant: That’s a very good way to ask ‘he can’t throw for shit but he fuckin’ looks good doing it’, I’ll give you that much. Like if you stop the game film right at the point of release, you’d think Keenum was going to the Hall of Fame. But then you hit play and it’s like reading a Choose Your Own Adventure book—you don’t know what the fuck is gonna happen.
Q: What has allowed the running game to not skip a beat without Dalvin Cook?
What Zim Tzu said: I think the running game has helped us tremendously in things we’re able to do as compared to a year ago. We did have a couple negative runs in the red zone but we’re not getting very many of those. We’re getting yards. I do think they’ve done a nice job with the scheme as far as, we’ve got perimeter runs, we’ve got inside runs, we’ve got power football runs. I think all those things have helped.
What Zim Tzu meant: Well this year we have running backs that can, you know, run north and south. And we have blockers that, you know, hit people and open holes. When you have those two things, it’s fucking amazing what it can do for a running game.
Q: Do you still believe that Riley Reiff’s injury is not serious?
What Zim Tzu said: Yeah, I don’t think it’s going to be too serious, no.
What Zim Tzu meant: We amputated Riley’s leg above the knee. He’s questionable for the Cleveland game.
Q: Do you anticipate either Sam Bradford or Teddy Bridgewater making the trip to London?
What Zim Tzu said: Yes, I think so.
What Zim Tzu meant: Heh.
Q: Both of them?
What Zim Tzu said: Yes.
What Zim Tzu meant: Heh.
Q: Do you like the London games? Does the interruption of the flow concern you?
What Zim Tzu said: No, I’ve never been to London so I’m not a big expert on this. It’s just another road trip. And a road trip for them too.
What Zim Tzu meant: No, it fucking sucks. It’s a road trip from Hell, man. 9 hours across the pond to a country where they drive on the commie side of the road, the food isn’t great, and Jesus Christ on a pack of dental floss does that rainy island have one goddamn dentist on it? Anyone? Fuck it, let’s play some ball.
Q: How extensive was your research about figuring out the London schedule?
What Zim Tzu said: I mean everybody did things different. I looked at who won, who lost, the different things. You go over there and whoever plays best usually wins.
What Zim Tzu meant: I mean it’s the Browns, dude. We’ll beat them in Cleveland, London, or a cow pasture outside of Harmony, and we’ll let the Amish keep score and be the referees for the game. They can’t be any worse than that zebra shitshow we had Sunday, could they? Then we’ll buy some of their chairs. Goddamn do the Amish make some quality furniture. Wait, can they ref on Sunday? Can they use whistles, or is that forbidden technology too? Fuck it, we’ll figure it out.
Q: With the state of the Browns right now it seems there is no way you can lose this game. Have you come up with any special message for the team yet?
What Zim Tzu said: No. I just want us to continue to try and get better and improve. I think our team will believe that this team is a good team when we get back into it and we start getting more in preparation with it. They lost by three to Pittsburgh, lost by three to Indy, lost in overtime to Tennessee – who is leading that division, and they had another real close one against somebody. It’s going to be about us and how we play and that’s usually how it is every single week. Do we play with the same? Do we prepare the same way? Did we play at the same intensity? Do we play as a smart football team – understand the things we have to do to beat this particular team? And I think that’s the points of emphasis that we’ll be making this week.
What Zim Tzu meant: Yeah, I told them that if they lose to this ragtag bunch of fuckboys they’re swimming back home.
Q: What did you think when you saw Andrew Sendejo’s hit when you looked back at it?
What Zim Tzu said: I think the receiver took five steps after he caught the ball. I think he hit him with a glancing blow. I know what [the officials] told me, but I’m going to turn it in to the League and see what they say. He established position as a runner, took two extra steps. Xavier [Rhodes] was trying to pull the ball out, which he ended up doing. The guy went down a little bit. But in my opinion, he was a runner.
What Zim Tzu meant: I thought ‘holy shit he just killed Mike Wallace’. Then Mike Wallace got up. And then I thought ‘holy shit Sendejo torpedoed a dude that wasn’t on the Vikings for once. He must have thought we were playing a road game and went for the purple dude in the white jersey.’ He should get some kind of award for not killing Harrison Smith this time, right?
Q: Are you optimistic about Jeremiah Sirles or Nick Easton being able to play?
What Zim Tzu said: I think we have a chance to get a lot of these guys back this week. There’s a possibility of [Stefon] Diggs. There’s a possibility of [Nick] Easton, [Mackensie] Alexander. Most of them. We have a chance. I don’t know yet, but we’ll see.
What Zim Tzu meant: Sirles and Easton have had emergency nipple removal procedures, and they are questionable for the Browns game.
Q: Is Riley Reiff one of those guys that could play?
What Zim Tzu said: Yes.
What Zim Tzu meant: Riley is questionable with a leg amputation. My expectation is that he’ll play. And Hoppy is better on one leg than Matt Kalil on two. Or TJ Clemmings on three.
Q: You’ve never been to London as a tourist, or you’ve never been to London?
What Zim Tzu said: Never been there.
What Zim Tzu meant: Fuck that place. They talk funny.
Q: Do any of the sites interest you, or strictly 100% football?
What Zim Tzu said: Football. There was a report too that said we didn’t want to play Teddy [Bridgewater] in London because of slippery field. That’s the first I’ve ever heard of it. So that report is false.
What Zim Tzu meant: Which one of you rumor mongering window lickers said we wouldn’t play Teddy because of the field conditions? It was you, wasn’t it, Tomasson?
Q: So you’re considering starting Teddy Bridgewater in London?
What Zim Tzu said: Maybe, we’ll see.
What Zim Tzu meant: You’re goddamn right I am.