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Where We Won’t Lionize Zim Tzu Because Detroit Did That

The Vikings warrior poet coach dispenses his weekly words of wisdom

NFL: Detroit Lions at Minnesota Vikings
Hey Mike, how many franchise quarterbacks and running backs have you lost the last two years?
Reese Strickland-USA TODAY Sports

Morale is a strange, nebulous thing. It comes and goes, it’s hard to define, and you’re not always sure what causes it, much like Kardashian fame. But you know when you’re in a unit with strong morale, and you know when you’re in a unit that has low morale.

You can be in a unit that has no external stressors and a fairly easy gig, and it has terrible morale. Conversely, you can have a unit in some of the harshest conditions doing some of the harshest things that one can ask a group of human beings to do, and morale is sky high.

This is the thing about morale: there are no set of conditions that ensure good morale, or bad morale. It can also change instantaneously, in either direction. And when it happens really fast, it’s hard to maintain if it’s if it’s positive, but it’s even harder to lift people back up once they get knocked on their ass out of the blue.

When you’re a warrior poet, you know when morale flips, and you know you have to do something about it, and fast.

Because you are Zim Tzu: He Who Makes Pirates Walk The Plank, Impaler Of The Fleur De Lis, First Of His Name, High Septon Of Mankato, Lord Commander Of The Iron Range And Twin Cities, and Warden Of The North.

So in times like this, it’s important your words convey confidence, optimism, and leadership, and reinforce to everyone that things will be all right.* And like Winston Wolf, you got this shit under control.** At least, that’s what you want everyone to think.***

*Things are not okay

**Nothing is under control except rehab schedules for star offensive players

***Everything hurts and I am dead inside

And that’s where we come in, This Blog Of Optimism And Cheerfulness.* We take portions of Mike Zimmer’s day-after-the-game press conference,** interpret it, and give you his actual intent and meaning.***

*Piss off. I hate people almost as much as I hate torn ACL’s.

**It’s just me. The only legitimate thing in this post are Zimmer’s actual quotes.

***Not even close.

Mike Zimmer’s actual words are in block quotes, and my completely fictional and nonsensical bullshit follows. As is usually the case, Zim Tzu had an opening statement.

What Zim Tzu said: After watching the tape a couple times, I feel like there was a lot of missed opportunities there, offensively and defensively. Then when you turn the ball over three times and you don’t get any on defense, you really don’t have much of an opportunity to win. The guys played really hard. For the most part, a lot of guys did what they’re supposed to do. We just didn’t quite get the job done. They were 1-for-1 inside the five. I think we were only down there once. As far as the status of Dalvin Cook, he does have a torn ACL and we will move forward from there.

What Zim Tzu meant: For as shitty as we played, we still could have won the game. I fucking hate ACL’s. I’m going to throw things, starting with Chris Tomasson.

Q: Will you sign another running back?

What Zim Tzu said: Maybe, yeah. We’re looking at everything now.

What Zim Tzu meant: We might, and we’re looking at ALMOST everything. You know what we AREN’T looking at, though? Trading for a running back who’s name rhymes with Haydrian Meatandbun, because that’s literally the dumbest fucking thing I’ve ever heard of.

Q: How is Dalvin? Have you met with him?

What Zim Tzu said: I talked to him after the game. I saw him this morning. He’s a great kid. Extremely impressed with everything he’s done, to this point. It’s, obviously, a terrible thing for him and for us. We’ll move forward and go on from there. He’s a great worker and I have no doubt that he’ll come back from this.

What Zim Tzu meant: He’s fine and will be back in time for training camp next year and he’ll be awesome and all that BUT FOR FUCK SAKE I AM SO SICK AND GODDAMN TIRED OF MY BEST OFFENSIVE PLAYERS BLOWING OUT THEIR FUCKING KNEE!

Q: How do you feel about Latavius Murray taking over? He admitted his ankle is maybe not 100 percent. How do you think he is doing health-wise and how ready is he?

What Zim Tzu said: I think you misconstrued what he said because I talked to him about it and he said that no one is really 100 percent. Any time you have surgery on something, you’re never going to be 100 percent. But he said he’s ready to go and we are ready to have him go.

What Zim Tzu meant: I don’t know what you THINK you fuckin’ heard, but what I said is a bad ankle is better than a blown out knee. And he’ll be ready, because we paid him enough fuckin’ money to be ready. His ankle is fine.

Q: Where is Latavius at with the offense?

What Zim Tzu said: Good.

What Zim Tzu meant: He’s no Cook, but he’ll be okay. Fuck, I miss Dalvin.

Q: How much do you anticipate Dalvin Cook’s absence to impact your approach on offense?

What Zim Tzu said: I think the biggest thing was Dalvin had unbelievable big play ability in a lot of different ways. We are going to have to continue to look for more ways to implement some big plays in the offense, probably.

What Zim Tzu meant: Well, after the game I sat down with Pat Shurmer and we looked at the chapter in the playbook that says ‘really cool fucking touchdowns for Dalvin on runs from 30 or more yards’, and we burned it in my fire pit. We also added plays in the ‘throw the touchdowns to Diggs and Thielen’ chapters, too.

Q: With how well Adam Thielen and Stefon Diggs are playing, how do you work Michael Floyd back into that mix and what is the approach?

What Zim Tzu said: We’ll see how practice goes this week and we will continue to work forward with that. But at this point, we are just trying to get better.

What Zim Tzu meant: Well, with our top QB and running back out, we’re in uncharted territory. OH WAIT NO ACTUALLY THIS IS ALL TO FAMILIAR. Look, we have more talent now than we did last year, but dude, it’s gonna take a bit. I still feel like a blind man in an orgy—we’re just gonna feel our way through things until we figure it out. We’ll be okay.

Q: Is there hope Sam Bradford comes back this week?

What Zim Tzu said: Yes. Again, it’s day-to-day. It feels better. Everything he is doing is feeling better. But obviously, we don’t know.

What Zim Tzu meant: Hope?

/unzips pants, pulls them down

Here, let’s do this. Hold out your hands. You hope in one of them, and I’ll shit in the other. Let’s see which one fills up first.

/pulls up pants, zips them up

Q: Trae Waynes got quite a bit of playing time. What was your assessment on how he played?

What Zim Tzu said: I thought he played a lot better. He covered his guys a lot closer. For the most part, he tackled well. He had the chance for the one interception in the end zone and didn’t get it down. It would’ve been a tough play, but I thought he played better.

What Zim Tzu meant: He didn’t suck to the point of me having to rinse my eyes out with bleach, so yay us. Shoulda had that pick though.

Q: Obviously Latavius Murray will take on a bigger role now. Do you anticipate Jerick McKinnon increasing his role too?

What Zim Tzu said: I believe so.

What Zim Tzu meant: Not in the fucking Wildcat formation, but yeah.

Q: Case Keenum said yesterday that he wish he went to Kyle Rudolph on the third-and-three late in the fourth quarter. How do you start to get Kyle more involved earlier?

What Zim Tzu said: Every week it’s by game plan. Sometimes we had him chipping the defensive end, sometimes it’s working other areas. Kyle is a good player we’ll get him involved.

What Zim Tzu meant: I’m sorry, I don’t think we have a Kyle on the roster. Haven’t seen him all year. If you do locate him, please call us at 1-800-Please-Unfuck-Your-Shit Kyle.

Q: What challenges do the Chicago Bears present?

What Zim Tzu said: I have not looked at them yet. I’ve been busy.

What Zim Tzu meant: Been going to night school to get my medical degree so I can understand all these goddamn injuries. Fuck the Bears, and fuck ACL’s, man.

Q: Where do you assess the season at so far given all of the injuries?

What Zim Tzu said: I assess it at 2-2. That’s where we were. We had opportunities that we didn’t get done. We played some good games. It is what it is.

What Zim Tzu meant: One of these seasons I’m going to have a team that stays relatively healthy all season, and I will sport enormous wood all year long.