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Zim Tzu Is On The Warpath

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The Vikings warrior poet head coach dispenses his weekly words of wisdom

NFL: International Series-Minnesota Vikings Practice Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

ED NOTE: This has bad words. None of the other things we write on here do, but this one does. It seems to be a popular bit, so until the law catches up with me, I’m going to keep doing it. Thanks for understanding, and not reading if bad language isn’t your thing. Ted

When you’re a warrior poet, you’re a man of action. And men of action make decisions, decisions which guide your way of life. You need to know, almost instinctively, when you are at the crossroads of an important decision. But you also need to know that sometimes, decisive action is taking no action at all, and staying on the current path. It’s a delicate balance, and it’s a tightrope you walk daily, almost hourly.

Because you are Zim Tzu, Pillager Of Capitals, Conquerer of The Brown Islands, Murderer of Crows, Melter Of Cheese, Hunter Of Bears, He Who Makes Pirates Walk The Plank, Impaler Of The Fleur De Lis, First Of His Name, High Septon Of Mankato, Lord Commander Of The Iron Range And Twin Cities, and Warden Of The North.

And when you make these decisions (or non-decisions), they must be explained to your people, and your words must be chosen carefully. Or there will be confusion, hysteria, and panic, and everything you’ve worked for will fly off the rails faster than comments in a political post on Facebook.

So that’s where The Daily Norseman comes in.* We take some of his carefully chosen words from his weekly day after the game press conference and translate them into common language that Mike Zimmer would LIKE to use,** to ensure that panic is not spread amongst the people.***

*Everyone else on staff has disavowed this. I don’t blame them.

**Did you know ‘translate’ is Norwegian for ‘completely make shit up off of what Zimmer said in his press conferences’? It’s True! (it’s not true)

***If a football press conference were to send people in to a panic, we’re pretty much done as a society, is all I’m sayin’...

As is usually the case, Zim Tzu had an opening statement:

What Zim Tzu sad: Good afternoon. After watching the tape, I thought offensively we did some really good things. Ran the ball effectively. I thought the offensive line played well. No sacks again. [Case] Keenum played great most of the ball game. Like I said, after the ball game, we have to learn how to play with a lead. We haven’t had big leads that early in the ball games before. It’s a good learning experience for us, both sides of the ball. Defensively, actually we didn’t play as bad as I felt like yesterday. They [Washington] were 3-for-5 on fourth downs. Usually, we are pretty good in those situations. They made some plays. Overall, it was a good road victory, NFC team. We’ll just keep trying to get back together this week and get a little bit better.

What Zim Tzu meant: Everybody sit down and shut up. Offensively we were awesome, our offensive line is awesome, our running game was awesome, Case was mostly awesome except for those two ‘what the fuck was that’ interceptions, and the defense wasn’t as shitty as most people thought they were. Playing with a big lead gives me a boner, and I think we finally learned how not to piss it down our leg.

Q: How much do you pay attention to the whole NFC and how many teams there are near you guys to use that as a message to your team?

What Zim Tzu said: Not really yet, too early. We just try to take it one game at a time and win that game. It will all take care of itself eventually anyway. There’s nothing we can do about what some other team does or wins or loses or anything else.

What Zim Tzu meant: I give zero fucks what other teams are doing. But they better be worried about what we’re doing. Because we’re kicking your ass with our third string quarterback, that’s what we’re doing.

Q: Case played great most of the ball game, but he also had a couple turnovers. How do you balance that when you’re evaluating his overall performance?

What Zim Tzu said: The two turnovers were bad. Back to back and we had the game pretty much in hand. The rest of the game he played pretty darn good. He moved in the pocket well, threw the ball good. He started slow in the last couple ball games, and started really fast in this game in the first half, came back in the second half a little bit. He’s a very excitable guy. Sometimes he gets off the reservation a little bit. I talked to him a little this morning about understanding the situation of the game and where we’re at and sometimes a throw-away is a good thing.

What Zim Tzu meant: So about midway through the third quarter Pat Shurmur walked over to me and said ‘hey Zim Tzu we’re really kicking their ass and I almost feel sorry for them’ and I said ‘well in case you didn’t notice they picked the wrong day to be bad’ and he thought I said ‘call two really fucked up Case pick plays so they don’t feel so bad.’ And Case was all excited when he came back to the sidelines after the second pick and said ‘was that throw fucked up enough for you because I mean it was pretty good in a ‘wow that’s really fucked up’ sort of way’ and I almost killed Pat and Case right there with a rusty shiv Pac Man Jones gave me from when I was still in Cincinnati.

Q: At the beginning of the year, regardless of who the quarterback was going to be, did you see this offense scoring 38 points in a game?

What Zim Tzu said: I don’t know. It’s hard to predict. I really like our offensive line. The way they’re playing together. They’re playing really tough and physical. I like our receiving corps, tight end is a good player, our backs are running good now. It’s just a combination thing. The offensive coaches are doing a good job. I think it all goes hand in hand.

What Zim Tzu meant: No, 50.

Q: It seemed like you had a number of plays where your linemen were blocking down field. Is that an emphasis or just athletic ability?

What Zim Tzu said: I think that they can get to the second level a lot better. It helps when they can get off the double team or get to the second level and get to the linebacker, that’s how you can get some big runs.

What Zim Tzu meant: It’s an emphasis we placed on not sucking goat balls this year. Also, we have guys that are pretty good now, and can do more than stand still at the line of scrimmage with a front row seat to ‘Murder the Vikings Quarterback’, which was a smash hit on Broadway for 16 weeks last year.

Q: When you’re talking about playing better with a lead, what kind of things are you talking about?

What Zim Tzu said: A little bit of it is the clock became our friend there. We’re in field goal range and throw a bad interception. That one was probably worse than the second one. We’re in field goal range, we got a chance to go up three scores or four or whatever it was. At that point in time the clock is kind of starting to become our friend now a little bit – using a little bit more time on the clock, understanding the situation – the game is basically over if we just take care of things and take care of the football, continue to keep the clock running, continue to get first downs – things like that.

What Zim Tzu meant: Don’t throw fucked up interceptions. Make first downs and kill the clock. Don’t fumble. Basically don’t be the old Minnesota Vikings.

Q: What’d you think of your pass rush without Everson Griffen?

What Zim Tzu said: We hit the guy a lot. We had some really good rushes against their good offensive linemen. Tom Johnson rushed well, B-Rob [Brian Robison] won some, Danielle [Hunter], Linval [Joseph]. We made some mistakes, the second third down of the game we get a roughing the quarterback, which allowed them to continue to drive. We had a couple of those things happen. We fell down and mis-aligned on the wheel-route to the back and we fell down on I guess it was fourth-and-three or something like that. So there were some errors that we can correct. We should of played better, but for the most part it was good.

What Zim Tzu meant: Ehhhh, it was okay. Didn’t get home enough. Also, that roughing the passer call was bullshit.

Q: Is Case Keenum going to start this week?

What Zim Tzu said: I haven’t sat down and talked with everyone yet. I’m going to wait until Wednesday.

What Zim Tzu meant: I haven’t had a chance to tell him or the team I’m benching him this week. I’ll do that on Wednesday.

Q: When you saw how Keenum handled the situation in Los Angeles last year, did you know you were bringing the right guy into the locker room, a guy that would be able to handle any and all adversity?

What Zim Tzu said: Well, there was no issue with the culture aspect or anything. Case just loves to play football. There was nothing there that changed it. Our guys upstairs do a great job of finding the right kind of guys to bring in here. I think we have a great locker room. I meet with the captains every week and talk to them about the locker room and different things. We’ve just got a great bunch of guys here that know how to be team guys, play together, work together. I think that’s really important. Case is really no different. And really, you could say that about any of our guys.

What Zim Tzu meant: After watching Hard Knocks last year, I knew he was done with Jeff Fisher’s 7-9 bullshit and would love it here. And we love Case except when he makes one of those ‘What In The Name Of Spergeon Fucking Wynn Was That Epileptic Seizure While Being Electrocuted’ throws of his.

Q: Do you know who your starting quarterback is going to be?

What Zim Tzu said: Yes.

What Zim Tzu meant: TEDDY COMIN’ BACK GIRD YOUR GOT DANG LOINS WOOOOOOOO!

Q: Will you tell us?

What Zim Tzu said: Why would I tell you when I haven’t told anybody else?

What Zim Tzu meant: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA piss off.