ED NOTE: This has bad words. None of the other things we write on here do, but this one does. It seems to be a popular bit, so until the law catches up with me, I’m going to keep doing it. Thanks for understanding, and thanks for not reading and not letting your kids read it if bad language isn’t your thing. Hope you enjoy the rest of our articles—Ted
When you’re a warrior poet, sloppiness is something that is not tolerated in your world. Sloppiness leads to carelessness, carelessness leads to apathy, apathy leads to defeat, and defeat leads to failure.
And failure? Failure is as unthinkable as taking a beautifully marbled bone-in ribeye and cooking it to a well done shoe leather, as opposed to medium rare, as the way God intended it. (And don’t even get on your comment soapbox about the evils of red meat, or how good a well done steak tastes. If those are your opinions, you fall somewhere between heathen savages and Philistines). You have worked too hard, sacrificed too much, and prepared too long to accept failure. Oh sure, there will be times when the intended outcome of something doesn’t go your way, but that’s not failure. That’s lack of preparation, lack of execution, or a confluence of events that prevented you from attaining that which you sought. But you know it’s only a temporary setback, because a good warrior poet knows how to turn setbacks into a teachable moment, and get you back on the path to your destiny.
Because you are Zim Tzu, Razer of Atlanta, Slayer Of The Jungle King, Silencer Of The Lambs, Pillager Of Capitals, Conquerer of The Brown Islands, Murderer of Crows, Melter Of Cheese, Hunter Of Bears, He Who Makes Pirates Walk The Plank, Impaler Of The Fleur De Lis, First Of His Name, High Septon Of Mankato, Lord Commander Of The Iron Range And Twin Cities, Master Of Fortress Winter Park, and Warden Of The North.
And when you suffer a setback, you use your skills to teach, mentor, and to inform the masses of what went wrong, and how it will be better in the future.
And that’s our cue. Since Zim Tzu needs to use a bit of nuance,* we need to drill down a little farther to get to the true meaning.** So his weekly press conference quotes are interpreted into what the actual meaning of the quote is.***
*He is as nuanced as a jackhammer
**I’m just making all this bullshit up.
***We do use actual Mike Zimmer quotes, but literally everything I wrote from here on out is borderline unholy, and if you’re a Missouri Synod Lutheran and have read this far, you’re already going to Hell. So just keep reading, because you might as well make it worth your while.
As is always the case Zim Tzu had an opening statement, followed with questions from local media.
What Zim Tzu said: After watching the tape last night and again today, we really made a lot of mistakes. Didn’t play well enough to win. A lot of the critical areas we’ve been talking about we didn’t take care of, so we got beat. But it is a good time to refocus, get a good sense of urgency back and get back to work.
What Zim Tzu meant: Fuckin’ lost. Fuckin’ sucks. Fuckin’ offense. Fuckin’ defense. Fuckin’ Forbath and his fuckin duck hook Blair Walsh wide left bullshit. We’re gonna fuckin’ fix it. Fuck.
Q: Did you get more blitzes than you figured going into the game maybe because of how short you were on the offensive line?
What Zim Tzu said: No, about the same.
What Zim Tzu meant: Fuck yes. Trying to find an answer for it when we were down three starting linemen was like trying to find out where the fuck the wife or significant other wants to go when you say ‘wanna go out to eat?’ and she says ‘sure’ and you say ‘where honey?’ and she says ‘I don’t care’ and right at THAT SPECIFIC MOMENT IN TIME YOU KNOW YOU ARE SO FUCKED BECAUSE SHE CARES, MAN, OH DOES SHE CARE. And you’re gonna spend the next 20 minutes fuckin’ around trying to figure out where the fuck you’re gonna eat, and you end up at McDonald’s eating a second cold goddamn McRib when you were thinking you were gonna have a nice steak, or maybe some sort of chicken and pasta dish. Maybe even a nice craft beer or two, but no. Diet Coke and a cold goddamn McRib. Fuck that.
Q: How did you feel about the offensive line and all the moving parts?
What Zim Tzu said: Quite honestly, we didn’t execute in a lot of areas. Some guys played well, some guys didn’t play well. Collectively as a group, we didn’t execute well enough really on either side of the ball.
What Zim Tzu meant: I was as happy watching them play as I was after I binge watched all of True Detective Season Two. It was over and I was all like ‘what in the exact shit was this horsefuckery that I just watched?’ Just like that show, we had no focus, just kinda wandered around like a dude waking up hung over on tequila. You’re half naked in a stranger’s yard, you don’t have a wallet, you’re pretty sure your nose is broken, and fuck all if you know where your car is. Which seriously would have been a better opening to that stupid goddamn show. Anybody got Vince Vaughn’s number? Colin Farrel’s? Maybe they can fuckin’ block in a pinch if I suffer one more goddamn offensive line injury, because I’ve seen porn actresses with more depth and emotion with their clothes on than those guys in that fuckin’ show. Jesus.
Q: Some of the guys brought up communication with that offensive line. Was that much of a factor with what was going on?
What Zim Tzu said: I don’t know. If they said that then it probably was.
What Zim Tzu meant: There was no fuckin’ communication. Helen Keller could have communicated better with Stevie Wonder with blindfolds and gags on compared to the fuckin’ Kabuki Dick Dance we had to sit through.
Q: Do you feel like some of the issues with protection were more missed assignments or people getting beat physically?
What Zim Tzu said: I feel like it was a little of both. Some guys got beat that don’t normally get beat. We had some mental errors, we might have been late pushing out to a guy or something like that, but that’s mostly what it was.
What Zim Tzu meant: Ya fuck around, and ya fuck around, and ya fuck around, and pretty soon you find yourself turned around. And you’re fucked.
Q: In terms of the offensive line, how much of a product is it of the three guys being out injured and guys shuffling around?
What Zim Tzu said: When you have injuries, you’re going to have backup players play in there. We’re not going to make an excuse for this game or for players that come in or anything else. We’ll take ownership of what we did Sunday and we’ll move forward.
What Zim Tzu meant: Uh, fuck yeah. Look, this isn’t some bumblefuck reincarnation of Pet Sematary reanimated half things that move like toddlers figuring out the science between crawling and walking. But it was still pretty fucked up, even if the guys we threw out there yesterday were better than The Matt Kalil Turnstile Revue from last year.
Q: What have you learned about the extent of Riley Reiff’s ankle injury?
What ZIm Tzu said: It’s a lot better than we thought it was going to be.
What Zim Tzu meant: After the way yesterday went I fully expected Sugarman to be holding a saw and Reiff’s amputated foot in his hand. So yeah, fuckin’ bonus there.
Q: Does that mean it’s not broken?
What Zim Tzu said: No it’s not broken.
What Zim Tzu meant: Holy fuck I’ve seen black holes that aren’t this dense. Seriously?
What Zim Tzu said: I don’t know. You can call anything a sprain, so whatever you want to call it.
What Zim Tzu meant: Seriously, just fuck off into a pit of vipers. Seriously.
Q: Does Riley Reiff have a shot of playing Sunday?
What Zim Tzu said: Today is Monday. I’m not going to talk about injuries. We’re not going to go there. There is no sense in starting already. I’ll know more Wednesday when they practice.
What Zim Tzu meant: I have an idea. Mars One is looking for 24 people to be pioneers to colonize a planet six months away from here via a fucking rocket ship, and I’m not sure that’s far enough away for you, from me, right this fucking instant. And they need fucking sportswriters for when Roger Goodell fucking expands the NFL to 40 teams. You should apply. Actually, I applied for you, and I pulled a couple strings, and you’ve been accepted, Buzz Aldrin. Get the fuck out of here and bon vovage. And please, make sure to ask Coach Gruden of the Red Planet Fuck Fuck Grinder Boys if his left tackle is gonna start after not breaking his fucking ankle.
Q: What did you think of the day Case Keenum had?
What Zim Tzu said: He did some really good things and he did some poor things. He made plays. I keep hearing about, because I get these little things from Bob, “He didn’t throw the ball deep”. Well, he got about a 50-yard touchdown with Adam. We try to take what the defense gives us. I thought he made some really, really good plays on a couple third downs. He made a couple bad throws.
What Zim Tzu meant: He was more up and down than a hooker named Rollercoaster offering free rides.
Q: Is Case Keenum still your starter moving forward?
What Zim Tzu said: Yes.
What Zim Tzu meant: Seriously, your ride for Mars is waiting outside. Unass the area, grab your shit, and fucking go.
Q: Are you more likely to play if safer, especially with your offensive linemen, to make sure they’re ready for the playoffs?
What Zim Tzu said: Come on. Come on. You didn’t seriously ask me that did you? If guys can play, they’re playing. That’s just how it’ll be. We’re not in the playoffs and we need to go out and play.
What Zim Tzu meant: You know when I’m almost to my destination I find the best thing to do is to pull over, throw on four spare tire donut wheels, and fucking hit the road going half as fast and in a really fucked up kind of zig zag pattern. I mean yeah, you get there, but Jesus Teeth Rattling Christ, why in the fuck would I want to do that? What a stupid fucking question. Gruden would like that one, though. Ask him.
Q: What do you think was the difference between Jerick McKinnon and Latavius Murray?
What Zim Tzu said: I think the biggest thing was that they were plugging up the middle, so we trying to get the ball out to the perimeter a little bit more. Jerick had a few more runs to the perimeter.
What Zim Tzu meant: Jerick was making plays, and Latavius wasn’t. So to make Murray feel better we felt we needed to quit playing McKinnon, faked a neck injury to make it look good. Fucking Millennials, am I right?
Q: Case Keenum was fairly aggressive a couple times. Were you satisfied with his judgement?
What Zim Tzu said: Yes. I mean Case is still working on some things. One of them he went head first and it was second and 18 or something like that, so hey, let’s get the first down. I’m all for it.
What Zim Tzu meant: Aggressive, that word is such a double edged sword. There’s the one kind of aggressive that Case has been most of the year. Pretty much controlled, knowing when to take your shot, and taking a calculated risk when the outcome might be more than what you originally intended, but there’s a real opportunity there.
Then there’s the kind of ‘WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST WITNESS’ kind of thing when there’s some meth head in a bar you’re at with your buddies, all fucked up on a three day crank telling the arresting officer he’s gonna stick his dick in the double barrel shotgun the cop is pointing at him and screaming ‘NO NO NO I’M GONNA FUCK YOU UP KOJAK THAT’S HOW THIS IS GOING TO GO DOWN’ right before he gets his dick blown off and right after he gets tazed. Yeah, that’s aggressive too, that I won’t deny. But not what we’re really looking for in a quarterback. Case was kind of a tweaker yesterday, and we’ll look to correct that. And get him a good dental plan because meth mouth is no joke, kids.
Q: Were you frustrated with the explanation on the Adam Thielen touchdown reversal?
What Zim Tzu said: No, I just think the whole thing is messed up. I’ve been doing this for 30 years and I know what a catch looks like. So, the ball moved a little bit, yeah. But, he caught the ball.
What Zim Tzu meant: This is so fucked up, man. Dez caught the ball. Calvin Johnson caught the ball. Thielen caught the ball. On Mars it’s a fucking catch. Just not in the NFL.
Q: What explanation did you receive on Case Keenum’s fumble?
What Zim Tzu said: Yeah, we didn’t get on the ball a couple times when it came out like that. I didn’t get an explanation, they just said it was a fumble. Actually, the plays I turned in a week ago, I didn’t get an explanation from either.
What Zim Tzu meant: Look, if that happened to His Royal Highness Tom Brady, that would have been an incomplete pass, is all I’m sayin’.
Q: Have you received explanations in the past?
What Zim Tzu said: Yeah. They must have forgotten.
What Zim Tzu meant: No. I was on hold. His Royal Highness was holding court. Fucking bullshit, man.
Q: Was there anything you saw in the two long runs given up?
What Zim Tzu said: The first one, we got knocked down a little bit and then we overran it with two guys. So we missed the gap. Even with the other one, guys were trying to farm somebody else’s land, basically.
What Zim Tzu meant: Yeah, what I saw was this team fucking themselves over so close together it felt like the first round of the 2005 draft all over again. I shoulda been a fucking farmer.
Q: When you say Case will start moving forward, is that still a week-to-week thing?
What Zim Tzu said: You guys keep asking me this. I never said Sam Bradford is our starter for the season. I never said Joe Berger is our starter for the season. I’ve never said Pat Elflein is our starter for the season. So I’m not going to say it. Clear enough?
What Zim Tzu meant: You fucking guys. Do you have kids? Teenagers, maybe? Teenagers that keep asking you the same stupid, fucking thing they want to do about six different ways, like go diving with great white sharks in a Lady Gaga meat suit, and each time your answer is some variation of go fuck yourself, only you can’t say go fuck yourself to your kid because you want to set a good example and shit and so you say something non-profane, like ‘no pal, that’s really not a good idea. Why don’t we go to the batting cages instead? We’ll hit some jacks and no bunting this time, all right buddy?’ and pray to the five pound eight ounce Baby Jesus they never Google you and find profane, incoherent ramblings on a goddamn sports blog?
BUT I FUCKING DIGRESS. Go fuck yourself.
Q: But this Sunday?
What Zim Tzu said: I already said that, didn’t I? Well, thank you. Now we’ve clarified it.
What Zim Tzu meant: I stand corrected. Your parents should have told you to go fuck yourself more often as a child.
Q: What happened in the red zone?
What Zim Tzu said: Against us, they ran the ball effectively, they got it down in there. Us against them, I think they did a good job on the routes. Adam [Thielen] dropped one in the endzone, Case [Keenum] had a ball he threw back behind. Again, poor execution. We didn’t execute good enough.
What Zim Tzu meant: It was a snuff film, and we were the star.
Q: Your thoughts on facing the Bengals for the first time in the regular season?
What Zim Tzu said: No thoughts.
What Zim Tzu meant: My soul is blackened towards the Bengals. Fuck ‘em.