Ed note: There’s lots of bad language in this post, because many of you seem to like this. Because you’re all Philistines that can’t behave. In other words, my people. So yeah, if that kind of thing offends you, don’t read it. Thanks, Ted
Cheating is something that is anathema to a true warrior poet coach. Cheating is something that goes against the very core of who you are, what you believe, and how you coach. And whether it’s a person or an organization, when you come across cheaters, you want to make them pay. You want to teach them a lesson, let them know that they aren’t going to get away with that bullshit this time, and when you’re finished with them, they’ll rue the day they crossed paths with you.
Because you are Zim Tzu: Impaler Of The Fleur De Lis, First Of His Name, High Septon Of Mankato, Lord Commander Of The Iron Range And Twin Cities, and Warden Of The North.
And when the vanquishing is over, naturally you are asked questions about it. And you have to give answers that don’t offend the senses of the masses*, because everyone is offended by something today.**
*This is actually true! Coaches can get fined if they swear at a press conference.
**This is also mostly true! Almost everyone is offended by almost everything. Someone has quit reading this right now because they got offended by my statement that everyone gets offended these days!
And that is where we come in, this fine Minnesota Vikings blog.* We take the words of our warrior poet coach, distill them, much like one distills pure grain alcohol,** and translate his words from boiler plate, run of the mill NFL speak into 200 proof alcohol that might make you blind, but I’ll be damned if it ain’t the truth.***
*’Fine’, lol. Also, this is where the bullshit starts. And the rest of this post is bullshit from here on out. (Pretty sure that offended someone).
**This is not true. One needs grain and water to distill something into alcohol. This is just literary gonorrhea. When you’re done reading this, it will burn when you pee and you’ll need a shot to make it go away.
***Again, pure bullshit on my part.
As always, we take some to most of actual Mike Zimmer’s press conference quotes and translate them for you.*
* Can’t emphasize enough that by ‘translate’ I mean ‘I’m completely making up everything as I go along’, much like how our government governs.
What Zim Tzu said: After watching the film, like I said afterwards, I thought it was a really good team victory. Thought we played well in, really, all three phases. I thought the crowd really helped us a lot, they were loud from the beginning of the game to the end. It’s just good to get a win under our belt to start the season. We’re on to Pittsburgh and trying to get prepared. The coaches have been working real hard all day, trying to get going there on the short week.
What Zim Tzu meant: So we watched the film, and in all three phases we kicked their cheating asses up and down the field. By the fourth quarter, we were so tired of up and down we actually started kicking their asses sideways. Fucking cheaters.
Q: On a short week, how much does your process change?
What Zim Tzu said: Well, we’re basically a day behind but we’re catching up. We did some work on them before so we have a little bit ready to go. Players will have a little extra time tomorrow morning because I’m bringing the players in in the afternoon. They can get some more recovery time and we can get more game planning stuff done.
What Zim Tzu meant: It doesn’t, because we prepare 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year. I’m going to bring them in and lock the facility, and they won’t leave until it’s time to get on the goddamn airplane. We’re gonna fuck Pittsburgh up.
Q: How was the communication on the offensive staff last night?
What Zim Tzu said: It’s not so much in between plays but input on some of the play calls is part of it. Mostly that happens when the defense is on the field or halftime, things like that. But, it was good, there was good communication. I thought Pat [Shurmur] called a great game. I thought they did a nice job with the game plan.
What Zim Tzu meant: It was pretty great. I told Pat Shurmur before kickoff ‘Hey Pat, I’m pretty sure there’s a section in the playbook that we call ‘fucking touchdowns’. Why don’t you open up that chapter, blow the dust off of it, and, you know, score some fucking touchdowns? If you need me, I’ll be over here running the defense up Adrian Peterson’s donkey.’ So we did both. It was pretty awesome, not even gonna lie.
Q: How did Sam Bradford do in terms of managing things from the line of scrimmage?
What Zim Tzu said: Really good, I think there’s some you’re always going to get tricked on. He was pretty effective in all of them that he made.
What Zim Tzu meant: He was fucking Rain Man playing Blackjack.
Q: Was that the best performance you’ve seen from Bradford?
What Zim Tzu said: He played really well, he played really well. Some of the third downs that we converted, 3rd-and-8, 3rd-and-9, whatever it was, there were a few of those. Honestly, he played good, don’t get me wrong. He got help from the offensive line, they gave him time. We ran the ball better. We had some play actions. I think it was just all a combination of things. When you’re humming on all eight cylinders, it’s a little bit easier, not that it’s easy to play quarterback. All those other people helped him too. Made some great catches, [Stefon] Diggs made a great catch. [Laquon] Treadwell made a really good catch on a back shoulder. Adam [Thielen] made some great catches, Kyle [Rudolph] made a good catch on the touchdown. I think guys played well around each other and I think that helped as an offensive team.
What Zim Tzu meant: He set personal bests in yards, completions, QB rating, and tied for TD passes. He outplayed every other QB in the NFL last week, and by God, even Laquon Fucking Treadwell got on the stat sheet. Did you know that ‘Sam Bradford’ is Hindu for ‘MVP’? It’s true!
Q: How did the offensive line play?
What Zim Tzu said: Good.
What Zim Tzu meant: T.J Clemmings and Matt Kalil are gone, so no one had to turn around and yell ‘WATCH OUT SAM JESUS I’M SO SORRY ARE YOU OKAY?’. And then I didn’t have to read Alex Boone’s motivational post game quote about how they’re not going to suck anymore when literally everyone knew they were. It was fucking awesome.
Q: What allowed the defense to play so well without recording any turnovers and just one sack?
What Zim Tzu said: Well, we didn’t anticipate we were going to get a whole bunch of sacks because he gets the ball out quick. He’s a tough quarterback to defend. They’ve got a Super Bowl winning coach over there. We’re just trying to fight, scratch and do what we could.
What Zim Tzu meant: Adrian Peterson running his goddamn mouth. Stick it to us? He actually said that. I read that quote, and my job became the easiest one in the NFL last week. I essentially cried havoc and loosed the Dogs of War.
Q: How good is it to face such talented quarterbacks at the beginning of the season?
What Zim Tzu said: I don’t know, we’re going to play a lot of potential Hall of Fame quarterbacks as we continue to go forward. Just trying to take one week at a time. This week is a different week. The offense is going to be different. The preparation is going to be different. It’s going to be about how we prepare defensively for this offense, this offense is different than the other offense we just played. Even though the quarterbacks are both excellent, I understand your point. It’s still about the collective offense that we’re trying to take care of.
What Zim Tzu meant: Pretty fuckin’ good when we kick their ass.
Q: When you look at the effectiveness of the run game in the first half versus the second half what do you think got it going?
What Zim Tzu said: Well, we got some good looks. He [Sam Bradford] checked into some good plays. We had some good plays up that they probably hadn’t seen. I think all of that. I think we settled down a little bit, got our feet wet.
What Zim Tzu meant: We were in the locker room at halftime, and I asked Pat ‘hey Pat, do we have any running plays where our offensive line is assigned to actually block anyone?’ And he looked at the playbook, turned to page 2, and said ‘well yeah, we have these three plays right here. Why?’ So I said ‘well how about we run those fucking plays, because look, the Adrian Peterson era is over.’ So Pat obliged, and we let Ne[FUCK THOSE GUYS]w Orleans run those no gain with Peterson plays the rest of the night. I thought it was kind of revolutionary and all.
Q: Did you think Dalvin had anxiety in the beginning?
What Zim Tzu said: No, I don’t think so. I don’t see it as the run game wasn’t effective. We had some bigger runs in the second half, true. But we had some very effective runs in the first half too.
What Zim Tzu meant: Yes.
Q: Was that the plan to let Dalvin carry the work load?
What Zim Tzu said: Well, you kind of go with the hot hand sometimes and he was rolling pretty good at that point.
What Zim Tzu meant: HI ADRIAN! How’s the donkey? Send that fucking cheater Sean my best.
Q: How did you feel about Adam Thielen’s performance?
What Zim Tzu said: I think Adam does what he always does.
What Zim Tzu meant: It was fucking awesome.
Q: Did you notice a difference with how the defense approached Dalvin Cook?
What Zim Tzu said: That’s really hard to say, we’ve had 65 plays. It’s hard for me to say. I think because we were effective pass protecting and throwing the football, we got some good run looks as well. So, maybe that’s the question you’re asking. I don’t know. You’d have to talk to New Orleans on that.
What Zim Tzu meant: They tried to stop him. They couldn’t. Fuck those guys.
Q: What stuck out about Riley Reiff’s game?
What Zim Tzu said: I thought he played well. He’s a fighter. I thought he did a good job in the run game and the pass game. I thought it was good to see and encouraging as we move forward.
What Zim Tzu meant: It was weird. After the second series Sam came up to me and said ‘coach, I don’t know what to do. I’m not running for my life, and I don’t hurt all over yet. Is this normal? And I said ‘Sam, calm down, don’t panic. We got you a left tackle that can protect you now. Sam laughed at me and said ‘get the fuck outta here coach, left tackles that can block and pass protect are just myths passed on by old people like Norv to keep me from staying up all night worrying.’ And so we pulled out the tablet, and he looked at some of the plays, and his eyes lit up. ‘Holy shit it’s true’, he said. ‘I’m gonna go sling it, just watch.’
So yeah, tackles that block and protect? I have a boner.
Q: How do you think Ben Gedeon did in his first game?
What Zim Tzu said: I thought he did good. The one seam ball that they threw on him, wasn’t necessarily on him, even though Pro Football Focus probably said so. He was getting help out of the safety on that particular play. He covered it back. He covered 41 on a wheel route down in the red zone one time. I thought for the most part he was in the right place in the run game. Good for a first time rookie outing.
What Zim Tzu meant: I thought he did a pretty good job and lol fuck right off Pro Football Focus. See you next week. Fuckers.