When you’re a warrior poet, one of the things you begin to notice is how people that can get shit done tend to have more responsibility placed upon them, and they soon become indispensable to a unit. That’s not necessarily a bad thing...until The Indispensable One becomes, well, dispensable. I can’t remember how many times I called an organization or an office asking about something, and I was told ‘well, you’ll have to talk to so and so. Only they aren’t here. They’ll be back after lunch/tomorrow/next week.’
Oh. Well, that sucks. And for awhile, I would shrug my shoulders and call back at the prescribed time, looking for The Indispensable One for whatever my issue was. I usually got my answer, and life went on. But one day, because I really needed whatever information I was looking for RIGHT THEN, I became Captain Asshole. I got the ‘well, you’ll need to call back after lunch.’
‘Well’, I said, ‘what if so and so died in a car accident on their way back from lunch. Then who would be the person to talk to who can get me this information that I don’t have time to wait until after lunch for?’
‘Hello? Still there?’
‘Yes sir. Why would you say something like that, sir? That’s awful. So and so just had a baby not too long ago.’ (That was honestly the answer I got back, 100% not even kidding)
‘My question stands. People die in this business a lot anymore, if you haven’t noticed. Put someone on the phone that can answer my question.’
And as a warrior poet, if you have pressing business, you’ll look for someone that can barely answer the question, because sometimes you don’t have time to wait on The Indispensable One. You take what you can get with dispensable, and move out smartly. Even if dispensable turns out to be a fucked up Pet Sematary zombie/undead version of what you thought you’d be getting.
Because you are Zim Tzu: Impaler Of The Fleur De Lis, First Of His Name, High Septon Of Mankato, Lord Commander Of The Iron Range And Twin Cities, and Warden Of The North.
And after everything goes to Hell with Pet Sematary Zombie Dispensable jackass that can’t walk and chew gum at the same time, you must be able to explain what happened*, in a manner that people can understand and relate to**, so this doesn’t happen again. Or prepare them for it to...you know...happen again next week.***
*Sam’s goddamn knee happened
**No one really knows what’s going on with Sam’s goddamn knee
***I swear this team is fucking cursed sometimes
And this is where The Daily Norseman enters, stage right.* We take portions of Mike Zimmer’s weekly day after the game press conference,** interpret what he says,*** and give you actual, By God meaning to his words.****
*We are not actors. Hell, we can barely write. And by ‘we’, I mean ‘me’. No one else on staff would rightly touch this with a 20 foot broomstick. Because they’re smart.
**This actually happens.
***This actually happens too, but in a ‘this is a total bullshit, made up interpretation of what Mike Zimmer actually said’ kind of way.
****LOL fuck outta here we do nothing of the sort
As usual, Zim Tzu had an opening statement.
What Zim Tzu said: After looking at the tape, I thought there was some good things and some bad things, obviously. I felt like we had to do a good job in the running game and take care of Antonio Brown defensively. For the most part, I thought we did that. I think they were 23 percent on third downs, defensively. Offensively, some of the things that happened, I think we got the running game started a little bit there. Especially a little bit more in the second half. On both sides of the ball, we kind of shot ourselves in the foot with the penalties. I think 23 of the 26 points came because of defensive penalties. We had a first down run for eight yards, penalty made it first-and-20, so that’s a 18-yard penalty. We had a four-yard run on first down that negated that, ended up being a 14-yard penalty. Then we had a couple communication issues with the cadence that caused us into some bad situations. We’re excited to get back to work, get back home. Put this game behind us and move on to Tampa Bay. As far as Sam Bradford, feeling better today. We’ll know as we continue to move forward, it’s probably day-by-day. We’ll just keep going. If I could tell you more about it, I would. At this point in time, each day is a different day so we’ve just got to keep going from there.
What Zim Tzu meant: Well, if you can look past the self inflicted bullshit that led to this shit show, we were kind of good, even though we couldn’t do basic things like talk! Also, Sam’s day to day, and keep in mind, there are 365 days in a year, and each day is different, much like Sam’s knee.
Q: Do you anticipate Sam trying to practice this week?
What Zim Tzu said: He feels better today. I anticipate that when he is ready to practice and he is ready to play, that he will play. Honestly, I don’t have a crystal ball. I know you guys want to ask me about all these things but I don’t have a crystal ball. Wish I did, I’d call some games better.
What Zim Tzu meant: I wish I had a crystal ball to shove down your throat for asking me the same fucking questions all the time. He’ll practice when he’s ready.
Q: How do you think the offense handled the transition to Case Keenum?
What Zim Tzu said: I think they felt confident in Case and the things that he was doing. Like I said, we did have some communication issues. There was a couple times we were late off the ball. It wasn’t just on him, it was a combination of things. We’ll do good moving forward.
What Zim Tzu meant: We had zero confidence in Case, because Case can’t even rattle off a cadence without fucking it up. Other than that, shit was fine.
Q: Were the defensive penalties due to guys getting beat or being undisciplined?
What Zim Tzu said: There was one time that, honestly, the receiver didn’t run a good route and we were kind of in front of him the whole way and we got called. There was one time where we grabbed a guy in the back, just a slight grab, that’s a penalty. One time we got to the ball early. Those things, they’re correctable. We’ve got to be more disciplined with our hands, we’ve got to be in a better position. We jumped offsides twice. We allowed drives to go on, the fourth-and-one we jumped offsides, which wasn’t a good play. We jumped offsides when they threw the ball deep to No. 10. Actually, the receiver stopped and then the DB stopped, then the receiver took off and ran again.
What Zim Tzu meant: It was due to everyone having their head up their ass. If I can pull their heads out of there, we can correct shit and move forward.
Q: Were you looking to create a spark with the fake punt?
What Zim Tzu said: Yeah, we were struggling a little bit offensively. I almost called it the series before. It looked good in practice, didn’t look good in the game. I was just trying to be aggressive. I told the team, ‘I’m going to be aggressive. I’m going to do whatever I have to do to win. If it’s fake punts, fake field goals, trick plays, whatever it is, we’re going to try to be aggressive.’ Sometimes they work and sometimes they don’t.
What Zim Tzu meant: No, I just wanted to see if the special teams had their heads as far up their asses as the offense and defense. They did, so that was a bit of a relief. If nothing else, at least we were consistent across the board Sunday.
Q: Were you happy with the way Case Keenum played?
What Zim Tzu said: He had some good things and some bad things. I thought he was tough and battled and fought in there. Short week against a pretty exotic defense, defensive scheme they are very physical and fast. I thought he battled. I‘m sure he would say he could do better on some things, but he did some good things as well.
What Zim Tzu meant: LOL fuck no. HE COULDN’T EVEN RATTLE OFF A GODDAMN CADENCE WITHOUT FUCKING IT UP WOOOOOO THAT’S AWESOME!
Q: If he has to start again, how do you feel about that?
What Zim Tzu said: I feel good. I feel good about it. This is a good football team. We’re going to continue to get better each week. I like this team. I like the way they compete. I like the way they go out and prepare. Did we make some mistakes yesterday? Yes. We got beat. It’s one game, we’re not going to throw in the towel, we’re going to fight.
What Zim Tzu meant: We’re fucked. But if he doesn’t have to play, we’re pretty good!
Q: Do you anticipate having to sign another quarterback?
What Zim Tzu said: No, I don’t anticipate it.
What Zim Tzu meant: No, but then again, I didn’t anticipate having two good quarterbacks with two good knees between them, either. Fuck my life, man.
Q: How do you think Kyle Sloter has come along?
What Zim Tzu said: He’s behind, but he’s an athletic kid, throws the ball good, strong arm. But he’s catching up.
What Zim Tzu meant: Kyle is next in the long line backup quarterback cult heroes in Vikings history, following in the footsteps of Gino Torretta, Todd Bouman, MacLeod Bethel-Thompson, and The Greatest All Time Cult Hero Backup Quarterback Of Them All, Joe Webb.
Q: Do you want Jerick McKinnon to continue to take long kickoffs out of the end zone?
What Zim Tzu said: Yes, we should not have done that, but that’s not Jerick’s fault. It’s my fault. It’s not Jerick’s fault, it’s my fault. I was trying to be aggressive. We can’t shoot ourselves in the foot and start at the 18-yard line when he’s almost stepping on the back end line.
What Zim Tzu meant: No. I’m not saying that was Jerick’s fault...but that was Jerick’s fault.
Q: Was it a good sign that you allowed two early touchdowns and then held them to 12 points the rest of the way?
What Zim Tzu said: Well, I think we let them get some field goals. Like I said, the penalties allow them to get 23 points on the defense. We’ll be alright. We’re going to clean these things up. The guys are going to keep playing. Like I said, I thought with some of the things we were trying to do in the game we did a good job.
What Zim Tzu meant: Well, they still outscored us 12-9 after that so NO IT WAS FUCKING LAME AS SHIT MAN.
Q: What did you see from Trae Waynes?
What Zim Tzu said: The one play where he got the pass interference he was in good shape and when he turned he didn’t accelerate to the up field shoulder, that’s why he was behind. He ended up getting to that ball a little early. The other one is when we jumped off sides and he saw the officials throw the flag. The receiver kind of stopped and then he took off, Trae kind of stopped and then took off, and the guy made a catch.
What Zim Tzu meant: I looked in to my fucking crystal ball and saw myself in the fucking unemployment line next to Rick Spielman if I don’t bench him for Tremaine Brock next week. That’s what I saw.
Q: Were you frustrated with the line of questioning yesterday or could Bradford really be out 6 weeks?
What Zim Tzu said: No, I was being factious. I don’t know, honestly, I don’t know how long. I thought he had a chance to play Sunday until we worked him out at the game. Sometimes after the game I’m upset and I know our fans deserve better than that. They didn’t have any wine for me in the locker room to chill out a little bit. Where I get frustrated is I want to protect my players. I’m never going to put a player out on field that cannot take care of themselves. For that reason, no one’s asked me about Teddy, I assumed I was going to get one, but I don’t have a crystal ball. I don’t know. When he’s [Sam Bradford] ready he’s going to play. I don’t think it’s going to be a long term thing, but honestly I have no idea. Just like I have no idea about Teddy [Bridgewater]. I know there’s reports out there he’s going to be ready in six weeks, I have no idea. Sometimes I get frustrated with answering the same questions I guess, so I apologize.
What Zim Tzu meant: I’m sorry I don’t have the patience to deal with the same goddamn questions from you people all the time. Seriously, I feel like Tom Cruise in Edge Of Tomorrow. I wake up, and I’m back at the port getting ready to invade a fururistic, alien infested France all over again. It’s fucking ‘Sam’s knee this’ and ‘How’s Teddy that’ AND I SWEAR TO JESUS ON A FLIP CHART I’M GOING TO MURDER THE NEXT MOTHERFUCKER THAT ASKS ME ABOUT TEDDY BRIDGEWATER AND IF I DON’T GET A GLASS OF WINE TO CALM THE FUCK DOWN IN ABOUT THE NEXT 30 SECONDS I AM GOING TO CUT YOU ALL IN TWO WITH A GODDAMN PLASTIC KNIFE.
Q: How’s Teddy Bridgewater doing?
What Zim Tzu said: I don’t know [Smiles].
What Zim Tzu meant: Gulag. That’s where you’re going if I have anything to say about it. Russian gulag.