Sometimes, even a warrior poet has had it up to here. Mike Zimmer’s actual quotes in blocks, and what he’s thinking follows.*
*Yeah, I make it up, but man, if I could sit down with him right now, I bet this is as accurate a Zim Tzu as you’ll ever read, is all I’m sayin’.
What Zim Tzu said: We’re getting ready to have a good game Sunday at (noon). We need all our fans there. Get all our fans there, get rowdy, stop some of their no huddle offense, and get to work. Questions?
What Zim Tzu meant: This goddamn team would make Jesus an atheist. But we need your help, since his dad obviously fucking hates this team, and Case Keenum will start.
Q: Did Sam Bradford go to get a second opinion?
What Zim Tzu said: Sam is listed as out.
What Zim Tzu meant: Fuckity McFuckberg.
Q: There are a couple reports that Sam went to go get a second opinion is that true?
What Zim Tzu said: I’m not going to discuss that.
What Zim Tzu meant: Fucker VonFuckstick.
Q: Did he have a setback yesterday?
What Zim Tzu said: No, not really. He actually did more yesterday than before.
What Zim Tzu meant: FFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCKKKKKK
Q: Was this something that kind of blew up overnight or this morning?
What Zim Tzu said: I just said it didn’t change. He did more yesterday than he did before.
What Zim Tzu meant: His knee is so swollen I thought it was a fucking hot air balloon. That was on fire. As it hit power lines. Because lol what the fuck is even going on?
Q: Do you think he could be back the following week?
What Zim Tzu said: He could be back the following week. I don’t know. I love you guys, but I tell you I don’t have a crystal ball. I have no idea. All I know is about this week.
What Zim Tzu meant: No chance. Be lucky if Dr. James Andrews doesn’t amputate his leg above the knee. Fuck you guys.
Q: How do you feel about Case Keenum having a second game under his belt?
What Zim Tzu said: Good, we’re ready to roll. Let’s go.
What Zim Tzu meant: Like Field Marshal Von Paulus at Stalingrad. We’re fucked. At least we play our home games indoors. Unless this fucking roof collapses too.
Q: Is there anything that you think Case gives you? Maybe more mobility?
What Zim Tzu said: Yes, I think he’s got more mobility.
What Zim Tzu meant: He gives me a fucking excuse when we go 6 and goddamn 10 so I can maybe keep my job. Fuck this season.