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Zim Tzu Is Here To Settle Some Scores

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The Vikings warrior poet coach dispenses his words of wisdom

Eric Thompson

ED NOTE: This has bad words. None of the other things we write on here do, but this one does. It seems to be a popular bit, so until the law catches up with me, I’m going to keep doing it. Thanks for understanding, and thanks for not reading and not letting your kids read it if bad language isn’t your thing. Hope you enjoy the rest of our articles—Ted

When you’re a warrior poet, you know that conflict is inevitable, and revenge, when used properly, can be a powerful motivator. You live for the conflict, and use the possibility of revenge as something to drive your unit forward, and get them as prepared as any unit has ever been And as you prepare for these conflicts, you try and give your unit as much of an advantage as possible. Sometimes, the battleground is chosen for you and you fight where you stand. In those instances, revenge may not be possible, only survival.

But other times, you choose the ground, and you wait. You lay out your plan, wait for them to arrive to where you want them, and you spring your trap. As you’re waiting, you remind everyone what happened The Last Time, to ensure The Last Time won’t be This Time. And halfway through the conflict, when the opponent realizes there is no escape and you shall have your revenge, you’ll allow a little smile...and then push the sword in to the hilt. Because FUCK THOSE GUYS...that’s why.

Because you are Zim Tzu, The King In The North, Exiler Of Clan Chicago, Disemboweler Of The Green Man, Declawer Of The Feline, Razer of Atlanta, Slayer Of The Jungle King, Silencer Of The Lambs, Pillager Of Capitals, Conqueror of The Brown Islands, Murderer of Crows, Melter Of Cheese, Hunter Of Bears, He Who Makes Pirates Walk The Plank, Impaler Of The Fleur De Lis, First Of His Name, High Septon Of Mankato, Lord Commander Of The Iron Range And Twin Cities, Master Of Fortress Winter Park and Protector Of The Realm.

And even though revenge is a dish best served cold, that doesn’t suffice in today’s world of instant gratification and hot fire takes. Although you want to spit fire at your mortal enemy, you can’t, because you don’t need to give those cheating bastards any fresh ammunition. So your words come out level and rational...and we can’t have that. So that’s where we come in. We take Mike Zimmer’s actual press conference quotes* and transform them from touchy-feely language that’s appropriate for the 21st century** into their true meaning, one that is appropriate for modern day warriors and warrior poets.***

*It’s one of the few things I actually do

**We’re so soft as a society anymore but whatever

***We’re bloggers. About the farthest thing from being a warrior or a poet there is...unless you blog about poetry. Which...yeah

What Zim Tzu said: We need the fans to come out early this week, be loud and rowdy, make this the loudest stadium that the Vikings have ever played in, and help us get a win on Sunday.

What Zim Tzu meant: You fuckers remember 2009. Bring your rage, fuel it with some Grain Belt, and let’s make their goddamn ears bleed for a week with the decibel records we’re going to break.

Q: How did the extra time off go? What kinds of things did you look at to get prepared for the game on Sunday?

What Zim Tzu said: We spent a lot of time on the three different teams of possibilities that we might play, a little bit on the self-scout stuff, but it was mostly getting back to fundamentals with the team, doing some of those things, and then we would study the three different teams, so it took a lot of time.

What Zim Tzu meant: We prepared for a lot of shit. Our defense practiced getting off the field on third downs in a timely manner. Our offense practiced some pretty sick end zone celebrations. I’ve also been rehearsing what I’m gonna say to Sean Payton when we skullfuck his team on Sunday and we meet at the 50. It’s gonna be something like ‘HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA TELL AP I SAID HI’. Fuck those guys, man. In the ear. With a rusty Fleur-De-Lis.

Q: Was there much from the week one game that was still relevant in your preparation against the Saints?

What Zim Tzu said: Yeah, they’ve all changed, we’ve changed, but there’s the base things on both sides of both teams are still the same.

What Zim Tzu meant: The fucking score from week one didn’t change, did it? I mean I keep seeing shit about how to discount week one, but whatever. They’re still pretty much the same team, and they can’t play for shit on the road the last month. We’re still pretty much the same team, and our defense is pretty fuckin’ good. Fuck those guys. In the eye. With a charred beignet.

Q: What has changed the most for the Saints since week one?

What Zim Tzu said: I don’t know you would have to ask Sean [Payton]. I don’t know.

What Zim Tzu meant: Sean Payton still seems like Sean Payton, so pretty much nothing.

Q: How have defensive starters for the Saints evolved?

What Zim Tzu said: Well, they’re playing a lot better now. They’ve got 20 interceptions and 42 sacks and I think that is their mantra. They want to create havoc for the offense and they’ve got good players.

What Zim Tzu meant: Well, they’ve lost their last three games on the road, and away from the Superdome their offense looks about as lost as Stevie Wonder trying to read a fuckin’ map upside down in Vietnamese. But yeah, keep telling me about how awesome they are when they’re more than five miles from the French Quarter.

Q: What stands out to about Sean Payton’s offense?

What Zim Tzu said: Well, they’re always good. I think he’s always been one of the top in the league in first down offense. First downs, this year he’s second. They’ve always been explosive, take their shots, do a good job in the screen game, and he’s got a Hall of Fame quarterback. He’s had that for a while.

What Zim Tzu meant: How thoroughly fucked up they got in our first meeting. That stands out.

Q: Did New Orleans win over Carolina last night help to summarize everything that Drew Brees is capable of doing, even at 38 years of age?

What Zim Tzu said: I don’t know. Drew Brees has played good for a long time. He’s won a Super Bowl, he’s been the MVP, he’s thrown for millions of yards. I think all those things kind of sum up what he does.

What Zim Tzu meant: I don’t know, I think our defense will summarize his ass about six or seven times on Sunday. Fuck that guy.

Q: Has the message to the team changed now that it is win or go home?

What Zim Tzu said: No, I think they know that. We had a quick little practice today, I didn’t talk to them too much about that stuff. I’ll talk to them more Wednesday about things we have to do to win and where we’re at and what we need to do. I think they understand the magnitude of where we’re at in the playoffs and that New Orleans is a heck of a football team. I really think being able to play at U.S. Bank Stadium with our fans and the crowd noise and [Drew] Brees trying to change the protections and the audibles he makes at the line of scrimmage. I think that will play well into our hands.

What Zim Tzu meant: The message was we are on the road to glory, and the Saints just stepped out in to traffic. Hit the gas.

Q: Will the crowd noise change your communication on defense at all?

What Zim Tzu said: We’ve been practicing with noise all year long, loud, a lot of noise. I may crank it up a little bit higher this week. We haven’t seemed to have much of a problem with it.

What Zim Tzu meant: The only thing I tell them is to fuckin’ cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war. That’s pretty easy to communicate.

Q: What’s your level of confidence in Kai Forbath?

What Zim Tzu said: Good. We got the crystal ball on our side.

What Zim Tzu meant:

/unzips fly

/starts peeing on pictures of Gary Anderson, Blair Walsh, Brett Favre’s pick, and Drew Pearson

Fuck your curses. We got this.

/zips fly back up

Q: Will the team have the same chip on their shoulder from the 2009 NFC Championship game as the fan base will have?

What Zim Tzu said: I was actually at the game. We don’t think about 2009. We don’t think about anything but 2017, now ’18.

What Zim Tzu meant: You’re goddamn right we will. And when the Saints are walking back to the locker room on the short end of an ass kicking, we’ll make sure to let them know that The North Remembers.

Q: You were at the 2009 NFC Championship game?

What Zim Tzu said: Yes.

What Zim Tzu meant: Yes.

Q: Just as a fan?

What Zim Tzu said: Well, my son was coaching in the game. I was sitting in the stands.

What Zim Tzu meant: Hell yeah I was since, you know, the Bengals are in the AFC and weren’t in the playoffs, and this was the NFC Championship game. Fucking genius.

Q: What’d you think?

What Zim Tzu said: I don’t know. I was just sitting there observing. I wasn’t really rooting for anybody or anything like that.

What Zim Tzu meant: I was totally rooting for the Saints. But now? Fuck those guys. In the nose. With a roll of bounty. The quicker picker upper of bitter Saints tears.

Q: Did you get crunk or anything like that?

What Zim Tzu said: No. I had some of those hurricanes.

What Zim Tzu meant: I got so fucking liquored up people thought I was from Green Bay. See you next week.