ED NOTE: This has bad words. None of the other things we write on here do, but this one does. It seems to be a popular bit, so until the law catches up with me, I’m going to keep doing it. Thanks for understanding, and thanks for not reading and not letting your kids read it if bad language isn’t your thing. Hope you enjoy the rest of our articles—Ted
When you’re a warrior poet, no matter how good you are at your craft you’ll eventually find yourself in a do or die moment. Everything you have worked for has come down to one moment, and This Moment will define you going forward, for all time. You know it, your squad knows it, and you know that they know that you know, you know?
Although the tools and weapons you have at your disposal are lethal when properly employed, the obstacles placed in front of you make what you have to do impossible, and your situation looks hopeless. Your objective is too far away, with not nearly enough time, and the reversal of fortune you are about to undergo would draw sympathy from Sunny Von Bulow, (Look, it’s an old reference, but by God Google it because that shit is funny right there).
But you don’t understand ‘can’t’, and ‘quit’, do you? No, you grab your goddamn balls, sack up, and unfuck your predicament like a football MacGyver and figure a way to victory, and to live another day. Because by GOD it’s not over until we say it’s over, and this battle is far from done.
Because you are Zim Tzu, The King In The North, Collector of Bounties And Exorcist Of Demons Past, Exiler Of Clan Chicago, Disemboweler Of The Green Man, Declawer Of The Feline, Razer of Atlanta, Slayer Of The Jungle King, Silencer Of The Lambs, Pillager Of Capitals, Conqueror of The Brown Islands, Murderer of Crows, Melter Of Cheese, Hunter Of Bears, He Who Makes Pirates Walk The Plank, Impaler Of The Fleur De Lis, First Of His Name, High Septon Of Mankato, Lord Commander Of The Iron Range And Twin Cities, Master Of Fortress Winter Park and Protector Of The Realm.
And when it’s all said and done, how do you explain it? You can’t really. So that’s where we step in and take over.* We take quotes from Mike Zimmer’s game after press conference, translate them,** and spit out the true meaning.***
*We should never be left in charge of anything ever.
**They are actual press conference quotes. They are not actual, literal translations.
***The only thing I spit up was a beer and one lung watching that game. My goodness.
As is almost always the case, Zim Tzu led with an opening statement.
What Zim Tzu said: After watching the tape, I think there was a lot of good things that we did, especially in the first half of the ball game, and then we made some mistakes. In the second half, we threw a bad interception and we had a punt blocked to give them short fields twice. We took a sack in field goal range on third down, which knocked us out of field goal range. We made a couple of mistakes defensively in the red zone. There were quite a few things that we needed to clean up from this past ball game, but we got a bunch of fighters on this team, they’ve been a resilient bunch all year long. I expect it to continue to be that way.
What Zim Tzu meant: We damn near fucked this up in typical Vikings fashion. And then we took the heart of New Orleans, ripped it out like a fucking Voodoo Viking Priest, and ate it with some fava beans and a fine chianti. FUCK THOSE GUYS MAN AAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!!!!
Q: What’s your process like getting back to normal after a game like that?
What Zim Tzu said: We had a meeting this morning, we did our lift and our run, and I told them basically the same thing; we can’t make these mistakes in playoff games or we’ll be going home. There’s always good and always bad in some of the games, but we made some critical errors in that game that could have gotten us beat. There were some other situations, like the third and one where we stopped them and they kicked the field goal with time left, and obviously the two-minute drill, or the 25 second drill I guess it would be. Those were all good things. But there were enough other things in there that we need to get corrected, and I thought it was important that we watch the tape today and watch some of the mistakes so we can try to not do those again.
What Zim Tzu meant: Look, I know we have another football game to play, and we’ll be ready to go, but we now have a new normal. This franchise now EXPECTS to win games like this now, not get emotionally disemboweled by some sadistic, cosmic fucking Spanish Inquisition wearing a foam cheesehead while looking at you cross eyed with no teeth, and brandishing a rusty spoon. Also, I don’t come down from this high. Years from now, on my death bed, I will be thinking of this play and I’ll STILL be asking myself ‘holy fuck how did that happen’ and then I’ll smile, and probably giggle, and my dying body will be racked with pain. And then the nurse will ask if I need pain meds and I’ll be ‘nah man I’m good’. THAT’S how fucking awesome that play was.
Q: When watching film, were you able to watch the final play of the game like any other play?
What Zim Tzu said: It’s been on TV a couple of hundred times, so yeah. We actually watch it with the defense as well, just to show what we should be doing.
What Zim Tzu meant: Well, if by that you mean I yell FUCK YOU IN EYES WITH TITTIE BEADS AND WASH IT DOWN WITH A TAINTED HURRICANE YOU ZYDECO LISTENING CRAWFISH ASSHOLE LICKING CHEATERS as Diggs crosses the goal line, well then yeah I watched it like any other play. On a loop. 1,432 times, and counting.
Q: Do you put the emotions of yesterday’s game behind you, or try to use those emotions to propel you for Sunday’s game in Philadelphia?
What Zim Tzu said: No. I think like everything, that one is done and gone with, and we’re moving on to Philadelphia now.
What Zim Tzu meant: If I could bottle and sell what I am feeling right now, the US government would ban it, and then I’d be the next Pablo Fucking Escobar.
Q: Was watching the tape this morning enough to convey that to your guys?
What Zim Tzu said: Yes, I verbally said it and I talked to the captains today. It’s kind of what we do, we move on and go to the next one.
What Zim Tzu meant: Do you remember the 1980 US Olympic hockey team? OF COURSE YOU DO THIS IS MINNESOTA! After they beat the Russians, they were playing in the gold medal game against Finland, and were down after two periods. Herb Brooks came into the locker room and all he said was ‘if you lose this game you’ll take it to your fuckin’ graves. YOUR FUCKIN GRAVES!’.
We’ll be ready.
Q: Have you noticed this team’s ability to bounce back from mistakes?
What Zim Tzu said: Yes, they’re a pretty resilient bunch. When they’ve made mistakes, I forgot the other one, the fourth-and-ten, we let them convert, we would’ve won the ball game there. They’re pretty determined in what they’re always trying to get done. They’re always trying to get better. They’re a good group of guys that work really hard.
What Zim Tzu meant: I love this team, man. I love how they can put bad plays behind them and fight until the end. I love how this is a team you WANT to cheer for, as opposed to feeling obligated to because they wear purple and gold. And I love that Saints fans will be haunted by this loss for the rest of their lives. Because FUCK THOSE GUYS, man.
Q: How is Andrew Sendejo doing and what did you think of that play?
What Zim Tzu said: I think he’s doing a lot better. He was actually the first one that greeted me in the locker room after the game. You know, it’s really hard to say. I don’t know if they were trying to pick him or if they just got tangled up. He hit helmet-to-helmet, obviously. I don’t know the intent of it. We’ll probably turn it into the league and see what they say.
What Zim Tzu meant: He’s okay and it was a dirty fucking cheap shot by a team of classless shit turds and their douche canoe of a coach. Michael Thomas is dead to me. Dead.
Q: What is your impression of the Eagles? How much will you look at last year’s film?
What Zim Tzu said: It’s very, very early on Philadelphia. I’ve watched a couple of their games offensively now. We’ve still got a lot of work to do. We will watch the game from last year, obviously. At the time when we played him last year, he was a pretty young quarterback. We’ll just try to figure it out. They’ve got some great schemes. Some of the things they do are very tough to defend. So, we’ll have to work on that. I know they’ve got a great defense. I haven’t started watching their defense yet but their front guys are really good. #27 [Malcolm Jenkins], the safety, he’s a very good player. We’ll just have to start studying them up.
What Zim Tzu meant: I laughed watching Nick Foles and how we’re gonna fuck him up. Their defense is legit. Malcom Jenkins went to Ohio State and is not dead to me, but get back to me Sunday night for an update on that.
Q: Was Stefon Diggs the primary target on the final play?
What Zim Tzu said: Well, he was the one we were trying to get to to get in field goal range. Typically, most teams have three guys back and you try to get some kind of three level route. We were just fortunate on that one.
What Zim Tzu meant: Yes. Had it all the way.
Q: What happened on the fourth-and-ten play?
What Zim Tzu said: We had a miscommunication I guess. That’s the best way to say it.
What Zim Tzu meant: We fucked up, and Drew Brees is a cold blooded assassin.
Q: How do you think the offensive line performed?
What Zim Tzu said: You know, there were some really good things that went on. #94 was a tough guy to block, Cameron Jordan. I thought we did some good things. [Mike] Remmers being on the left side, [Rashod] Hill getting a lot of work on the right side and getting [Pat] Elflein back. I think there was a lot of good things that happened there.
What Zim Tzu meant: It’s like when your kids are little and it’s Father’s Day and they want to make you breakfast in bed. You hear a shit ton of noise going on in the kitchen and you’re like ‘holy fuck someone broke in to my house and wants to steal my...griddle? That’s fucking weird.’ So you find your .357, thinking your day is gonna be bad, but that poor motherfucker rummaging through your kitchen is gonna have it a lot worse in about two minutes.
Then you hear your two single digits laughing and you’re thinking ‘well holy fuck what’s this gonna be a disaster so epic Hollywood is gonna spend $300 million making a movie out of this’. So you lock up your .357 and pretend to go back to sleep, because there’s no way you want to go down there and feast your eyes on what’s unfolding mere feet away.
Then you hear the refrigerator open 15-20 times and all you can think of is ‘PLEASE JUST QUIET THE FUCK DOWN I CAN ACTUALLY SLEEP IN TODAY’ but nooooooooooo, more giggling and now they add to the culinary symphony by what sounds like the older brother bashing the younger sister’s head in the cupboards. But no, more laughing, and it’s both of them, so you know he’s not a nine year old psychopath and standing over the lifeless body of his sister maniacally laughing. Look, you’re still worried about him trying to set the neighbor’s cat on fire last week so you still haven’t emerged from that triple canopy shitshow jungle, but at last that dam didn’t break today, man.
Your mind is conjuring up all kinds of shit now—kitchen in flames, dog running out the doggie door, fur on fire headed to your shed full of lawn equipment and gas cans like a guided missile, and your backyard is about to transform into a goddamn mini Hiroshima in suburbia. Just when you can’t take anymore, your kids come in a ‘wake’ you up, and surprise you with...CEREAL AND FUCKING TOAST?
All that goddamn ruckus for Captain Fucking Crunch? You needed to open the refrigerator 20 times to find the fucking milk and butter for my toast...which by the way is ripped to holy fucking Hell because you didn’t warm up the butter first? God DAMN it man, Gordon Ramsey would have your ASS FOR THIS MINI CHEF. YOUR FUCKING ASS, DO YOU HEAR ME??? But what do you say?
“Awww, that’s so sweet, thanks kids.’
Fuck it, it’s a free meal. It’s okay. At least it’s not an MRE.
Q: Why did you decide to go with Mike Remmers at left guard?
What Zim Tzu said: Because I thought he was the best player. Then I asked him about how he would feel about going on the left. He said, ‘great’. So, that’s what we did.
What Zim Tzu meant: Because Jeremiah Sirles has been...not good.
Q: You said you spoke to the captains today. Is there anything special about sharing this win with Terence Newman?
What Zim Tzu said: No, we didn’t have a kumbaya.
What Zim Tzu meant: We may not have had a kumbaya, because that sounds like a bullshit, watered down, overpriced drink you’d find on Bourbon Street. We drank beer and smooth bourbon, like goddamn men.
Q: Did you make plans for somebody to get you a beer?
What Zim Tzu said: No, no beers. No beers.
What Zim Tzu meant: There were so many goddamn beers.
Q: Prior to yesterday, Case Keenum only had two fourth-quarter comeback drives in the NFL. Was there a moment this season that defined it for you that he could be that guy when the game is on the line?
What Zim Tzu said: No. I think you all worry too much about stats to be honest with you. Guys go out and play and they play. They don’t care if it’s the game winning drive in the fourth quarter or this guy kicked a field goal in the fourth quarter. They just play. That is what Case has done all year long. He’s a battler, a fighter. He never flinches. He doesn’t back down from anything and that’s just who he is. Whether it’s the fourth quarter playoff game or it’s the fourth quarter of OTA’s out here, I don’t think he cares.
What Zim Tzu meant: Jesus Christ on a goalpost, guys. At some point, you’re going to wake up and realize Case Keenum is getting it done, and done well. He’s got balls so big our equipment guy had to get him a wheelbarrow so he could walk around the facility, and his most recent pass was nothing special, other than it was literally one half of the most iconic fucking play in franchise history.
Oh, now he has three come from behind wins. Fuckers.
Q: Of everything this franchise and the fan base has gone through, can you describe how you appreciate how much this season has meant to you and the people that cheer for you?
What Zim Tzu said: Well the crowd was unbelievable yesterday. That atmosphere was electric. I can remember the very first call I was making to the defense. It was so loud and it reverberated in my headset. I know [Anthony] Barr and I had a hard time with communication yesterday sometimes. Defensively, Barr had a hard time hearing the call. I had to call it three or four times. I got an awful lot of texts. I don’t know how many, but an awful lot of people that were really happy. Minnesotans that were really, really happy about how this thing went down. When I got home I happened to turn the TV on, you see all of the fans at the Wild game going crazy, and somebody told me at the basketball game. It was pretty cool. I’m glad that we can give them something good to cheer about.
What Zim Tzu meant: Well the crowd was unbelievable yesterday. That atmosphere was electric. I can remember the very first call I was making to the defense. It was so loud and it reverberated in my headset. I know [Anthony] Barr and I had a hard time with communication yesterday sometimes. Defensively, Barr had a hard time hearing the call. I had to call it three or four times. I got an awful lot of texts. I don’t know how many, but an awful lot of people that were really happy. Minnesotans that were really, really happy about how this thing went down. When I got home I happened to turn the TV on, you see all of the fans at the Wild game going crazy, and somebody told me at the basketball game. It was pretty cool. I’m glad that we can give them something good to cheer about.
Q: Was last night a reminder that you’ll just never see it all even though you’ve spent a lot of time on a lot of sidelines and it sometimes probably feels like you have?
What Zim Tzu said: Yes, and you forget. There are times when things happen. I was in Cincinnati playing Denver the first game of the year. Obviously it wasn’t a playoff game but it was the first game of the year. We are winning 12-7 or something like that and there is 20 seconds left. We intercept the pass. We’re out of bounds. Then they throw a pass, one of our guys tips it up and one of their guys catches it and runs 50 yards for a walk off touchdown to win the game. There is a lot of things that happen in sports. That’s why you play it until the end. Keep fighting until the end. You never know what will happen.
What Zim Tzu meant: I’ve been to two Minnesota State Fairs, I sat through The Shape of Water, and I even saw an octopus try and fuck a shark once at the Sea Life Aquarium over at the Mall of America, which is what I’m sure The Shape Of Water is based on. I ain’t ever seen anything as crazy as what happened Sunday, even that fucked up ending in Denver.
Q: Now that Sam Bradford is healthy, do you plan for him to be the backup this week?
What Zim Tzu said: I don’t know. I haven’t thought that far ahead yet. I’m just trying to finish up the things yesterday that we had to do, then start getting going on Philadelphia and we’ll worry about that later on.
What Zim Tzu meant: Fuck outta here with that bullshit. We got an NFC Championship to win, and more curses to wipe my ass with. See you next week.