ED NOTE: This has bad words. None of the other things we write on here do, but this one does. It seems to be a popular bit, so until the law catches up with me, I’m going to keep doing it. Thanks for understanding, and thanks for not reading and not letting your kids read it if bad language isn’t your thing. Hope you enjoy the rest of our articles—Ted
When you’re a warrior poet, sometimes you end up getting routed when you were least expecting it. You don’t have a lot of room in your alpha male head to process something like this occurring, so when it does, you sort of stagger around a bit, then take a seat and try to process what just occurred. It’s tough to deal with, and will be tough to deal with for a long time. But as a man and preeminent warrior poet, you embrace the suck and commit emotional seppuku because fuck getting in touch with your feelings. You wall that bullshit up and fucking drink it away, like any warrior poet worth anything would.
Because you are Zim Tzu, The King In The North, Collector of Bounties And Exorcist Of Demons Past, Exiler Of Clan Chicago, Disemboweler Of The Green Man, Declawer Of The Feline, Razer of Atlanta, Slayer Of The Jungle King, Silencer Of The Lambs, Pillager Of Capitals, Conqueror of The Brown Islands, Murderer of Crows, Melter Of Cheese, Hunter Of Bears, He Who Makes Pirates Walk The Plank, Impaler Of The Fleur De Lis, First Of His Name, High Septon Of Mankato, Lord Commander Of The Iron Range And Twin Cities, Master Of Fortress Winter Park and Protector Of The Realm.
Eventually, you need to address The Great Unwashed to try to explain what the fuck went down. And at times like this you need help* to get the true meaning of your words out.** So we here at The Daily Norseman do just that.***
*We all need help after Sunday. Fuck man that was brutal.
**There is no true meaning.
***We do nothing of the sort. I just make a bunch of shit up right after Mike Zimmer’s actual press conference quote.
As usual, Zim Tzu has an opening statement.
What Zim Tzu said: Looking back on the season, I thought this football team did some very good things. Winning the division, 13-3, winning a playoff game. Unfortunately, we didn’t reach the ultimate goal. I’m still proud of how this team went about their business this year and the things they were able to accomplish. The fortitude they had going throughout the course of the season and really the chemistry they had in the locker room. It’s disappointing to lose but we’re going to try to figure out every possible way how we can improve so that we move forward next year.
What Zim Tzu meant: It was a fun season and all but FUCK this sucks so bad right this very moment.
Q: Did you know you had a special defense heading into this season?
What Zim Tzu said: I think I knew we had a nucleus of defensive guys that had played pretty well in the past. You never really know how the season is going to unfold. I’ve had teams that I thought were going to be really good and they didn’t play good together. This team is a pretty special group of defensive guys that have played together for quite a while now. There’s some things we have to get better at. I have to do a better job in some areas as far as maybe sticking to some things too much because we’re successful. One of things we planned to do, first of all, we’re going to self-scout. See the things we’re good at and plays that hurt us. Then, we’re going to look at how we can try to take this thing to another level.
What Zim Tzu meant: The minute I fucking got hired, that’s when.
Q: Which specific areas can this defense improve in?
What Zim Tzu said: Yeah, there is, I don’t want to get too specific with it. There’s some things that I really want to look at in this offseason. There’s some other teams I want to study that have done a good job. I want to go back and evaluate a lot of our rush situations to see if we can improve in some of those areas. Go back and see why we were good on third downs. Our job as coaches is to, number one, put the players in the best position possible to win. Number two, to try to continually get better, figure out new ways to do things. I think that’s how you come up with new concepts, new ideas, new ways to attack offenses.
What Zim Tzu meant: Not giving up three hundred and fifty fucking two passing yards to Nick Fucking Foles in the NFC fucking championship would be a really good goddamn start.
Q: What are your plans for the offensive coordinator position?
What Zim Tzu said: I’m in the process now of working through that.
What Zim Tzu meant: I want a guy that can dial up 41 points when my defense gives up 352 passing yards to a guy that is the equivalent of the fucking Ebola virus playing quarterback. That description fits in well with their jackass of a fan base, though. Jesus I hope the Minneapolis police arrest most of them and billy club the rest.
Q: Is there a certain time you would like to have that position filled?
What Zim Tzu said: Yeah, as soon as possible. I’m going to take my time and make sure we get the right thing.
What Zim Tzu meant: When I’m good and goddamn ready. That’s when I’ll hire an offensive coordinator.
Q: Would you like to stick with the same offensive philosophy or bring in new ideas?
What Zim Tzu said: I always embrace new ideas. To me, number one, with this coaching staff, I think they did an incredible job, not just the offense but defense, special teams, the whole bit. They had a great chemistry. To me, that’s going to be very important. What kind of chemistry we have with the other coaches, the communication with all the other coaches, and then the next thing is to try and get the best guy.
What Zim Tzu meant: It’s funny you ask that because on Sunday night I was asking Pat about what his game plan was and he said ‘hang on I got some texts from the Mara family I need to answer’ and I was like ‘Jesus Titty Fucking Christ Pat we got an NFC Championship game going on here’ and he was all like ‘look I got this let me get the play in to Case’ and then he says in his radio ‘Buffalo Right Seven Heaven but throw a pick six’ and then Case throws a pick six. Case comes to the sideline and says ‘why did you want me to throw a pick six?’ and Pat says ‘look I got a fucking coaching staff to assemble so I’ll be over here texting guys and doing interviews so just run whatever fucking game plan you want’ and so my philosophy will be a guy that doesn’t do that shit during a game.
Q: How unique of a situation is this to get to the NFC title game and still have so many questions at quarterback?
What Zim Tzu said: I guess it’s unique. But, it’s part of the process in the NFL. You work through it and you go about your business. I remember my first year here, when I got here we had like three names that were potential starters on the defensive board. That’s why you have the draft and free agency, all those things. So, we’ll work through all that process. I’m really not prepared to comment on it after we got back at 3:00 a.m. yesterday. So, we’re just going to work through it, just like we always do, and go from there.
What Zim Tzu meant: This is the Minnesota Vikings so this is actually normal. The only way it would be unique for is if Fred Smoot took them all out for a dinner cruise on Lake Minnetonka. Wait, that wouldn’t even be fucking weird for this franchise. Jesus Christ man, this fucking team sometimes.
Q: Has Case Keenum earned the right to be the starter next year?
What Zim Tzu said: I think I just said that we’re going to work through the process.
What Zim Tzu meant: No. No he has not.
Q: But your thoughts on Keenum specifically?
What Zim Tzu said: I’m going to work through the process, just like I always do. We’re going to evaluate all the players, we’re going to evaluate everybody and go about our business like we always do.
What Zim Tzu meant: He has balls bigger than State Fair winning pumpkins, and The Minneapolis Miracle is going to make me smile every goddamn day for the rest of my life. I’m not paying him $20 million a year, though.
Q: Do you know Teddy Bridgewater’s contract situation?
What Zim Tzu said: I do not. I don’t have any idea. I would be guessing if I said what I think it is. But, I honestly don’t know. You’d have to ask Rick [Spielman] that.
What Zim Tzu meant: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKK I’m going to hate talking about quarterbacks until we sign one of these fucking guys.
Q: Were you hoping to see more of Teddy on the field than you were able to?
What Zim Tzu said: Well, obviously, we would have liked to see him more on the field. But, quite honestly, for him to get on the field is an unbelievable achievement. When this injury happened, I can go through it, we researched this injury. There was 24 of these similar types of injuries through all sports, half of them never came back. I think the earliest one that anybody ever came back was 24 months. So, for him to even get to that point to where he was, and be able to come out and practice and compete, get in a game, was a true credit to him. Would I have liked to see him more on the field? Yeah.
What Zim Tzu meant: Teddy Bridgewater is my once and future quarterback.
Q: What about Sam Bradford? Do you think he’s past the knee injuries?
What Zim Tzu said: Well, I talked to him yesterday. I think he is. We had some conversations between me and him, but he feels like he is, so we’ll just have to see how he continues to improve.
What Zim Tzu meant: HEY HEY NFL LOOK HIS KNEE IS FINE SOMEONE THROW SOME MONEY AT HIM SO MY QB PROBLEM TAKES CARE OF ITSELF OKAY THANKS
Q: Did the Eagles point out things that you need to improve?
What Zim Tzu said: Yes. I mean not only them, but anybody that had success against us in the past. I think one of the things I meant was that we’d been great at third downs and they got after us on third down. So, we need to figure out, ‘Okay, why were they and how could we do this?’. That’s why I said I could have made some better calls. Sometimes when you’re sticking with things and it’s been successful for you, you continue to do it and maybe I did it a little bit too long. That’s all a part of the process of self-scouting, evaluation, and things as you go forward.
What Zim Tzu meant: Yes, they pointed out that we need to not get the brakes beat off of us when we fucking play in the NFC Championship next year.
Q: What will the offseason be like for you?
What Zim Tzu said: Well, we’re a little bit late now in the process a little bit. But the first thing is make sure all the coaches and everything is done. We’ll try and renew a lot of them and that’s the first thing. The senior bowl is going on, so we’ll start working on free agents. We’ll starting working on the draft and the self scouts. I’m trying to outline everything from now until OTA’s, winter conditioning when they come back.
What Zim Tzu meant: I’m going to be fucking pissed off all winter, and I am going to travel the kingdom hither and yon to find me some fucking football players. When I find them, I’m going to mold them into beasts that you only find in the darkest corner of your nightmarish terrors, and then I am going to unleash them on the NFL like the goddamn American Army in Europe in World War II. Fuck if 38-7 EVER happens to this team again.
I will also drink some beer. Warm. To keep me pissed off.
Q: Can you talk about Pat Shurmur and him taking the Giants job?
What Zim Tzu said: Pat did a great job. I’m happy for him and his family. It’s another great opportunity. I think he’s going to get an opportunity to work with Dave Gettleman who is a really good football guy. We thanked him yesterday for the success that he’s helped us with and we hope he’s successful in the future, except when they play the Vikings.
What Zim Tzu meant: Bye, Felicia.
Q: How much better do you think the offensive line was this year to handle all of the shuffling?
What Zim Tzu said: I felt like our personnel department did a really good job in getting guys in here. I thought Tony Sparano did a really good job. We started out the season with basically five different starters on the offensive line. Those guys played together, they were good athletes. The guys that we brought in had the right demeanor and attitude. I was able to talk to a couple of them before they left and they really liked how things went. Obviously, not the injuries and the way they went, but we move guys around a lot in that spot because you can only dress seven on game day. It’s important to be able to have some flexibility there.
What Zim Tzu meant: They did not suck, which was about eleven steps up from the Booger Flicking Fuckroll Show we’ve seen for the better part of three seasons.
Q: Why do you think they were able to do what they were, despite new pieces?
What Zim Tzu said: I think we had better players. Sometimes it’s simple. It’s that.
What Zim Tzu meant: Willie Beavers and T.J. Clemmings were so, so bad you guys.
Q: How is Dalvin Cook progressing?
What Zim Tzu said: I know this is layman’s terms, but Eric Sugarman, the trainer, said he’s doing great. He said, “The kid is doing really great.”
What Zim Tzu meant: He’s going to be pretty fucking awesome next year.
Q: How much different do you think the offense would have had Dalvin Cook the entire season?
What Zim Tzu said: It’s hard to speculate. I think Dalvin is an unbelievable player. I think you saw that in the beginning games. Am I taking something away from the way Jerick [McKinnon] and Latavius [Murray] played if I speculate on that? I don’t know. I thought those two guys came in and did a really nice job. I think Dalvin is a tremendous, tremendous football player. Do I think he would have made a difference? Yes.
What Zim Tzu meant:
/looks away wistfully
/single tear rolls down cheek
Q: What was Pat Elflein’s injury?
What Zim Tzu said: He had an ankle.
What Zim Tzu meant: Fuck off.
Q: What did Pat Elflein do to his ankle?
What Zim Tzu said: He hurt it.
What Zim Tzu meant: Fuck right off.
Q: In a way that needs surgery?
What Zim Tzu said: Probably, because I just answered her question.
What Zim Tzu meant: Fuck right off naked into a snowbank.
Q: Have you thought about what you are going to do with your quarterback decisions?
What Zim Tzu said: Honestly, not right now. Have I thought about it? Yes. But quite honestly, up until 3:00 am the other night when the game got over, my whole focus was on the now and not so much the future. Rick [Spielman] and I talked about that earlier. We said let’s just go through the season. Let’s figure it out after the season. We’ll go through that process and go from there and see how that goes. We are just going to work through it. The other thing I wanted to say, too, is our fans this year were unbelievable. I got some texts about how through the playoff game and all of the people doing the Skol chants last week and all of that stuff. Our fans were unbelievable the way they helped this football team out. They talked about bringing the whole state together, the state of Minnesota and Vikings fans throughout the world. That made me feel good that we were able to bring a bunch of people and try to work for something for a common goal. Unfortunately, we weren’t able to finish it for them so that is one of the disappointments.
What Zim Tzu meant: Nope, fans were awesome, still don’t know how we got fuckin’ boatraced by Nick Foles but hey our fans are used to it. SKOL!
Q: Do you plan to attend the Super Bowl or plan to have any role here in Minneapolis?
What Zim Tzu said: No.
What Zim Tzu meant: Fuck no.
Q: Will you be back at your ranch?
What Zim Tzu said: Yes.
What Zim Tzu meant: Fuck yes I will. TV off. Gonna be fishing. I hate football right now.
Q: This is the final press conference here at Winter Park. What has this facility meant to you and how excited are you to move to Eagan?
What Zim Tzu said: I haven’t been over there since the groundbreaking ceremony. One of those deals where I am not going to go in there until I know I’m going to be there. Obviously, we made this place do. We were over populated here. Apparently the new place is outstanding. One of the things I want to do is put up another one of those banners. We put some up on the other side. I come in here and I look at Bud Grant’s picture up there on the other end of this fieldhouse every day.
What Zim Tzu meant: Man moving to a new facility is like being asked questions about what ‘the new look should be’ when your wife wants to re-do the living room. That phrase should make your fucking blood run cold, and a home improvement project is literally the worst fucking thing a married couple goes through short of one spouse finding out the other has hired a hitman to have them murdered for insurance money. You’re bombarded with question after question until you just want to die. ‘Hey, what do you think of these for the new curtains?’ or ‘I like this color scheme for the walls don’t you?’, and other questions that are nothing more than Home Renovation Kobayashi Maru scenario for you, the witless Neanderthal that doesn’t understand colors fall outside the ‘Roy G. Biv’ kaleidoscopic spectrum.
No matter what answer you give it’s wrong. For example, the curtain question. The natural reply is ‘what the fuck is wrong with the curtains that have been hanging for five years? Christ almighty they were great yesterday and now you want all new shit RIGHT THIS VERY GODDAMN MINUTE APPARENTLY. Did we use the existing curtains to wrap and bury a dead body? No? Then why change shit? But no, you can’t say that, so you have to act like you give two fucks and say ‘you know honey, the ocean spray color really pops with the furniture and that powder blue candy scheme you talked about for the walls, why don’t we go with that?’
Only HEY GUESS WHAT WRONG ANSWER DICKWAD! because Ocean Spray and Powder Blue are colors used in that TV show your wife doesn’t like, old ladies named Phyllis, and those really weird fuckers three streets down that have a car in their driveway that’s had a flat tire for six months and hasn’t mowed their lawn since 2015 by the looks of it. All you want to do is hang a picture of Bud Grant and some other sports stuff you have in a basement man cave, but no, you gotta run this Gauntlet of Fucktardery where every answer is wrong, potential paint colors have names that could have only been made up by people on acid, and you are one step from thinking ‘look I only got 20 years left to live anyways so yeah I’m pulling that fucking trigger’. But man, you gotta admit at the end of the day you’ll be the Joker’s Fuck Fuck Boy if that Painter’s Silver wasn’t fucking on point for the walls. Huh. Go figure.
See you in the Spring. Go Pats.