ED NOTE: This has bad words. Most of the other things we write on here usually don’t, but this one does. It seems to be a popular bit, so until the law catches up with me, I’m going to keep doing it. Thanks for understanding, and thanks for not reading and not letting your kids read it if bad language isn’t your thing. Hope you enjoy the rest of our articles—Ted
At some point in life a warrior poet will be dealt with unexpected setbacks, maybe two or three, all within close proximity of one another, and it feels like you’re entering a graveyard spiral. How you deal with it determines your way forward, and the paths are quite divergent. Sometimes you can fight through it, level your wings, and fly on towards your destiny. Or things spin out of control, to the point the only thing left is impact, a fiery explosion, and no survivors.
So when faced with this scenario, you can do one of two things. You can just accept your fate and get blown to smithereens, or you can grab the stick and fight. And keep fighting, until you level your wings, let the cobwebs clear, and start moving forward again. Because as any good warrior poet knows, moving forward is the only option, and quitting is for losers. And you move forward, because warrior poets are not losers.
Because you are Zim Tzu, The King In The North, Subduer of Equestrian Excrement Consumers, Nightmare of Clan Fromage, Breaker Of Gold Fever, High Septon Of Eagan, Lord Commander Of The Iron Range And Twin Cities, Master Of Fortress TCO, Honorary Elder Of Mankato and Protector Of The Realm.
And when you do fly out of the spins people want to hear about your aerobatic tales, and marvel at your death defying stunts. And that’s where we come in.* We’re essentially the barnstorming experts**, that take the words that are spoken, and translate them into what Zim Tzu was actually thinking at the time.***
*We are not in. We’re more out in the cold than a wet dude in the Arctic.
**Airplanes are for folks that are scared to fly. Helicopters are where it’s at, yo.
***My legal team of Franklin, Bash, and Bateman can’t stress enough that this is 100% satire, and no reading of minds or psychic powers were employed in writing this. No animals were harmed, either. Except eagles. GET IT?!?!
What Zim Tzu said: I thought it was a good team win yesterday. I thought we did some good things in all three phases. Special teams, we were able to get some yardage in the return game on the punt return. I thought we played fast on special teams yesterday. Eric Wilson played very well, Jayron Kearse did a nice job there. Offensively obviously the two receivers and [Kirk] Cousins played outstanding. Defensively I thought we did some much better things this week. We’re going to try to continue to clean it up, get better and continue to move forward.
What Zim Tzu meant: Holy mother of Odin we beat those horseshit eating jackasses. They literally eat horseshit, which metaphorically was like watching our two most recent games. Especially Buffalo, because what in the sweet fuck was that? Nice win, helps get that shit taste out of the mouth. Let’s fucking go.
Q: Why has Kirk Cousins been so good at diagnosing blitzes and avoiding them?
What Zim Tzu said: He’s had experience, and seeing a lot of these things is part of it. I would say that’s the biggest thing, experience, and then having the ability to get into different protections.
What Zim Tzu meant: Well, Granitejaw McDreamy has this thing we call ‘talent’. He also has two other things we call ‘experience’ and ‘health’. And when you combine these three things in a cauldron of witches brew, you get this fuckin’ miracle called ‘a quarterback that doesn’t suck’. And I want you to inject this strange brew concoction straight into my veins, eyeballs, and buttcheeks from now until the end of my days because watching a good quarterback wearing a Vikings uniform play at a high level must feel like what being high on cocaine is like.
Q: In what ways has Stephen Weatherly improved as a pass rusher?
What Zim Tzu said: I think I’ve said this many times, but when he first came here in the first little bit, he was a guy that would stop his feet on the rush, kind of measure. Now he’s just rushing and using his athletic abilities. If the guy oversets he comes inside, if he sets too tight, he works the outside edge. I think he’s just getting a better feel of it, but the number one thing is not stopping his feet.
What Zim Tzu meant: You know Stephen has come a long way. When he first got here he’d stand up at the snap and yell to the sideline ‘HEY COACH AM I DOING THIS RIGHT?’ and then he’d get steamrolled. Look, it was funny as shit, and admittedly we kept him around for comedic purposes only. But now he’s come on strong and on Sunday he went after Wentz like Wentz owed him money and the football was the wallet.
Q: What are the keys to having two defensive ends that can play both the strong and weak side of the ball?
What Zim Tzu said: It doesn’t really matter too much, honestly. Danielle [Hunter] feels comfortable on both sides, and Stephen [Weatherly] does too. It’s really not as big of a deal, moving right or left.
What Zim Tzu meant: It means I can come at you with more looks than Taylor Swift has costume changes at one of her concerts. And we’ll write your name. In the dirt. Fuckers.
Q: You’ve drafted a lot of pass rushers who didn’t have a lot of sacks in college. How do you identify those players coming out, and how important has Andre Patterson been in developing them?
What Zim Tzu said: First of all, Andre is a great coach. I’ve been with him for 30-some years probably, but he’s a great coach, good technician, he works really hard at it. Then we look for certain traits that these players have, and it’s not just all athletic ability. Danielle Hunter is a guy that just wants to get better every single day, so that’s part of it. I think it took Stephen a little bit longer to get to that point, but I don’t think Danielle ever thinks that he’s arrived. I think he’s always trying to [say], “What can I do better today? What can I do better now? How am I going to get better?” He’s always asking those questions, especially to Andre.
What Zim Tzu meant: Andre Patterson is a fucking defensive lineman whisperer. Truth is, he helps defensive linemen with pass rush problems. Then those defensive linemen fuck up some quarterbacks.
Q: How much do you coach Dan Bailey during a game like yesterday? Do you get involved with the kicker much, or just decide when you’re going to kick the field goal?
What Zim Tzu said: No, I thought about talking to him during the game, but I didn’t. I don’t usually talk to him very much. I 100 percent believe he was going to make that kick. I didn’t have any doubt in my mind.
What Zim Tzu meant: Yeah, I thought about talking to him. I thought about going up to him and asking him what the fuck his problem was because GODDAMN IT I’M SICK OF KICKERS AND I WILL HACK OFF YOUR GODDAMN LEG WITH A BROKEN HOCKEY STICK AND MAKE YOU LIMP HOME ON A BLOODY STUMP IF YOU DON’T MAKE THIS NEXT KICK. I had zero confidence he would make it.
Q: What does the resiliency of this defense bring to the team?
What Zim Tzu said: It’s always been pretty resilient. We didn’t play good against the Rams. A lot of that is my fault, but this team and this defense has a lot of pride, a lot of heart. I think they came out with a purpose this week, to show that we can get back to playing good defense. Hopefully we’ll continue it throughout the year.
What Zim Tzu meant: Well, it’s nice to not get fucking boatraced for the third week in a row, that’s for sure. Let’s see what happens against the Cardinals.
Q: Have you gotten another chance to look at Andrew Sendejo’s hit?
What Zim Tzu said: I thought it was not a good call.
What Zim Tzu meant: It was bullshit, man. Just like the fuckin’ game clock in Chicago.
Q: Do you worry about a player getting a reputation with officials where they’re more likely to flag them?
What Zim Tzu said: Yeah, probably. You know these officials watch tape too and they sit there. Because I was talking to one of them before the game and we were talking about some of the things their team does and I said do you have anything about us and he said, “Yeah, your one guy does this a lot.” And it wasn’t Sendejo, but it was someone else. They watch tape too, but I don’t know.
What Zim Tzu meant: Andrew Sendejo’s reputation is so well known it arrives at the stadium three hours before the rest of the team and is more damaged than Minnesota roads.
Q: The onside kick seemed like it was pretty well executed. What was going through your mind there as it took a bad hop and bounces off of Adam Thielen at first?
What Zim Tzu said: We’re going to get it, take a knee, and go home.
What Zim Tzu meant: We are so fucked.
Q: What is it about Adam Thielen that makes him so good in that spot?
What Zim Tzu said: Competitor. There’s isn’t very many times Adam doesn’t make the play when he’s given the opportunity.
What Zim Tzu meant: He recovered the ball.
Q: Do you see a point in the league when quarterbacks are not completing 70 percent?
What Zim Tzu said: No, probably not. I remember when I was in Dallas and I believe we set a record for 50 percent completions or less than that maybe for the year. It’s kind of uncharted territory now.
What Zim Tzu meant: Well when you can’t hit or tackle the quarterback shit’s gonna skyrocket. Fuck it, let’s just do 7 on 7 drills and call it good.
Q: People talk about how the run game and passing game need to be balanced. With guys throwing better does that become obsolete?
What Zim Tzu said: The thing that I think is the defenses now, there’s so many defense now that are playing single-high. I mean there’s a lot them playing single-high defense. I can name them after and after and after. That makes it much more difficult to run the football into usually. These teams that are checking the ball and throwing it. They’re taking a five yard throw as opposed to a two yard run. I think that’s just kind of how it is. I do think it’ll get more balanced as the season continues to progress a little bit. I could be wrong but I think it’ll get more balanced.
What Zim Tzu meant: Not when guys are running for shit.
Q: When you see so many teams spreading out and putting you in nickel situations, how does that affect your personnel and the way you (Ed note: original transcription ended there. I don’t know what the rest of the question was)
What Zim Tzu said: I kind of like it more honestly. Because I can get a lot more creative with a lot things we can do when we’re in the nickel stuff than we do in the base stuff.
What Zim Tzu meant: I smile, then I laugh, and then I fuck you up and end whatever hope your play had before it begins. Unless I iso Anthony Barr. Then we’re pretty well fucked.