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Stock Market Report: Seahawks

Minnesota Vikings v Seattle Seahawks Photo by Abbie Parr/Getty Images

I’ve been a Vikings fan for a long time, and I’m having a hard time remembering a stretch this long where the team has seemed so apathetic about playing. They look listless and uninspired for large chunks of games, if not entire games, and just sort of go through the motions. Maybe at the end of the Childress era, maybe the first few weeks of 2005, but this seems different. The Vikings had a playoff spot pretty much guaranteed with a win, a chance to get up to the fifth seed, and a still ‘yeah maybe’ shot at the division.

Yet once again, the Vikings just seemed to airmail it in, and got bounced by the Seahawks 21-7 on Monday Night Football. It’s baffling to me that with so much to play for, the Vikings continually some up so small and uninspired. They’ve been flat out embarrassing for the better part of the last month, and if they don’t right the ship, they’re not even going to win another game, much less go to the playoffs. If that’s the case, it’s Enter Sandman time, isn’t it, Metallica?

Something’s wrong, shut the light

Heavy thoughts tonight

And they aren’t of Snow White

Dreams of war

Dreams of liars

Dreams of Dragons Fire

And of things that will bite, yeah

Sleep with one eye open,

Gripping your pillow tight

Exit Light

Enter Night

Take my hand,

We’re off to Never Never-land

The SMR that will try hard not to sleepwalk through this follows.

Blue Chips:

None. The offense is as fun to watch as a traffic jam stacking up in front of you, the defense gave up 200 yards rushing, and I literally laugh every time Dan Bailey trots out to kick a field goal, because a Choose Your Own Adventure book has less possible outcomes. This team is heading south faster than a flock of migrating birds, and as amazing as it seems, with few exceptions no one on the Vikings plays like they care about what happens right now.

Solid Investments:

Dalvin Cook, RB. Cook looked decent running the ball, although once again he only got 13 carries in a game that was within one score well into the fourth quarter. He also had the Vikings lone touchdown which yay I guess.

Anthony Harris, S: Harris looked like he was one of the few guys going all out on every play, from the first snap.

Holton Hill, CB: I thought Hill played a solid game in place of Trae Waynes, and had a big pass break up in the end zone.

Junk Bonds:

John DeFilippo, OC: The play calling is something right out of a Dystopian Fever Dream where your playbook consists of shit you draw on napkins, and you’ve managed to spill drinks and ruin all the napkins but about two or three, and yeah hey maybe this one will work this time. For example, on fourth and one in Seattle territory, everyone knew in the stadium the Vikings were going to hand the ball off to Latavius Murray. Loss of a yard, turnover on downs. The calls down on the goal line when the Vikings were stopped were questionable, and when Laquon Treadwell has more targets well into the third quarter than Adam Thielen does, something has gone horribly wrong.

Mike Remmers, RG: Remmers was dough tonight, and the the Seahawks were a rolling pin.

Kirk Cousins, QB: Kirk Cousins tonight, in one picture.

Yes, that’s the guy making $28 million dollars turning his back to the line of scrimmage and throwing a forward Latavius Murray. While completely ignoring a wide open Adam Thielen 20 yards downfield. It’s so amazing in many ways I feel that if someone paints this in oil it will one day hang in the Louvre.


Buy: The Vikings can still realistically make the playoffs. At 6-6-1 the Vikings still hold the sixth seed, amazingly. They have two winnable games against Miami and Detroit before they end the season against the Bears, and the teams behind them have one more loss and harder schedules. On paper the Vikings look to be the better team with the better schedule, and a good shot to get the six seed.

Sell. The Vikings can realistically win in the playoffs. I don’t even think the playoffs are remotely close to a sure thing at this point. They’re playing their worst football at the most important time, and if, by some chance, they stagger in to the postseason they look, feel, and smell like a classic one and done underachieving Vikings team.

Buy: Fire DeFilippo. The Vikings are predictable and unproductive on offense, so yeah blame Flip I guess and can him if it makes you feel better.

Sell: Firing DeFilippo will make a difference. Firing him still doesn’t solve the anemic offensive line, a quarterback that shrinks from the moment, and a special teams unit that I trust less than Mexican tap water. Every weakness this team has this year has been magnified and can no longer be hidden. They all must be addressed in the off-season, and sure, if you want to can DeFilippo if that makes you feel like the Vikings are doing something, it still doesn’t solve a bad o-line or bad special teams.

I’m going to bed. What a waste of a Monday Night.