Ahh, Valentine’s Day. A special day each year when restaurants, florists, jewelers, and candy companies guilt trip us into spending obscene amounts of money on our significant others. A wondrous time where parents spend countless hours creating valentines for classmates only to have their kids return from school bouncing off the walls after ingesting copious amounts of chocolate and candy hearts.
If you just started dating someone recently, Valentine’s Day is an excruciating quandary. Do you buy something nice just because you’re supposed to, even though you’re not sure where things are going yet? Will a big gift come across as moving too fast? What if you get something but the other person doesn’t? It’s an agonizing predicament.
It’s even worse for those that are single. While you don’t get suckered into the spending spree, February 14th serves as a crushing reminder of how alone you are in the world. (It also serves as an excellent excuse to get drunk with other like-minded singles, but I’m trying to stick with a theme here.)
Valentine’s Day is pretty ridiculous when you think about it. If you really love someone, you shouldn’t need one day a year to prove it with some grand gesture. (At least that’s what I usually tell my wife as an excuse for why we aren’t going out to a fancy dinner.) Even the anti-Valentine’s Day movement has become commercialized; I have bought the Papa Murphy’s “HeartBaker” pizza on more than one occasion.
However, there is one wonderful outcome of this manufactured holiday: terrible puns!
Even before the days of “I Choo Choo Choose You,” we have been coming up with incredibly cheesy plays on words with Valentine’s Day cards. For some reason, February 14th brings out the best (worst?) in punnery. As a writer that is firmly entrenched in the Dad Joke Zone, I love coming up with groan-inducing wordplay much more than the holiday itself. And since this is a Vikings site, it’s time for some Vikings-themed Valentine’s Day cards!
(If this sounds familiar, it’s probably because I did this last year too. I promise not to recycle any of those.)
Since we started with Case Keenum in the title picture, let’s keep it going with the other quarterbacks that may or may not be on the team in a few months depending on what the team decides.
And yes, even Kyle Sloter:
Of course, as we learned this year, it isn’t all about the quarterbacks. It’s about the whole team. Even if they aren’t originally voted into the Pro Bowl, like Harrison Smith.
And don’t forget about the other half of the most handsome safety duo in the NFL, Andrew Sendejo. He knows that arms are for snuggling your Valentine, not form tackling.
Players like Anthony Barr and Kyle Rudolph are special, just like your Valentine.
During Valentine’s Day, we like to focus on happier times. Like the Minneapolis Miracle with Stefon Diggs:
Or maybe your Valentine is an unsung hero, like Jarius Wright:
Maybe your relationship had a rough start but is starting to show more promise, like Trae Waynes.
And don’t forget about the big guys like Pat Elflein. They need love too!
Or maybe you prefer the strong, silent type:
Reader Charlie Solomon suggested a good one for linebacker Ben Gedeon:
Another solid suggestion from Ed Brodzy:
I could go on like this for just about everyone on the Vikings roster, but that’s probably enough glorified Dad Jokes for now. Feel free to send any of these to that special Vikings fan in your life. Happy Valentine’s Day, Vikings fans!