Ted Mock Draft 1.0: Mock Hard

Hi kids.

With the Vikings going big early in free agency, the headline moves are probably done with, and now it’s time to settle in until it’s time for the next Significant Emotional Event in our off-season calendar, The NFL Annual Selection Meeting, some one month from now.

SO HOW WILL WE KILL THE TIME YOU ASK?

Mock drafts, of course.

Yeah, guys I hate mock drafts. I’m not gonna go all ‘get off my lawn’ on you or anything because I know I’m in the minority here, but even the best guys in the business get 90% or more of the picks wrong, especially in a seven round mock draft. And a seven round mock draft done by anyone this time of year anytime, ever, is about as accurate as a depiction of the Earth made by the Flat Earth Society.

And I am literally one of the worst in the blogging business at this...so please, do with that information what you will.

But damn it, so many people love mock drafts that I will give you what you demand, you addicts. Like I have done in years past, I decided to forego this month’s water and sewer payment, and fork out a enormous sum of money* on Fanspeak’s Premium on the Clock Mock Draft Simulator, so yeah when I come to your house to take a shower and use your toilet you’re not allowed to complain.**

*It was like 10 bucks

**Totally showering and dropping a deuce at your house though

In determining my picks, I’m going by what I feel are the biggest needs for the Vikings, now that free agency has ended:

Offensive Line

Defensive Line depth

Running Back or Wide Receiver depth

Cornerback Depth

With that in mind, let’s look at the Vikings draft picks:

My draft strategy is to try and mimic GM Rick Spielman as much as possible—controlled aggression to get players that are dropping (see Dalvin Cook) or the best players available at a real position of need (see Pat Elflein). I know Spielman likes to have 10 picks heading in to draft weekend, and if he doesn’t have them he’ll make trades like teenagers make excuses when they’re in trouble to get to ten picks on draft weekend. But my ultimate goal is to get the best players I can assemble, not assemble 10 players.

ON TO THE FICTIONAL AND WON’T EVEN BE CLOSE TO REALISTIC MADNESS MY FRIENDS:

1st Round:

I didn’t make any trades up in round one, nor was I offered any trades when the 30th pick came up. Here’s what my big board showed me:

Whew, lots of good options here at real positions of need. I think Austin Corbett is a bit over valued here, and either WIll Hernandez or Billy Price are much better prospects. Price has already had surgery for his partially torn pec suffered at the Combine, and shouldn’t be that much of a draft risk. If you think that might be too much of a risk, Hernandez is sitting there, too, and a lot of folks like him as much if not more than Price. But holy crap Vita Vea is sitting there, too, and darn near everyone projects him to be a top 10-15 guy. And a DT like that REALLY solidifies the Vikes interior rotation with him and new toy Sheldon Richardson. What to do, what to do...

Selection: Will Hernandez, G, UTEP

Really, you guys thought I’d pick Price if he was available, didn’t you? I think Price will be a great offensive lineman, but Hernandez is a guy that is a natural guard (Price would be switching from center) who’s athletic enough to get to the perimeter on a pull or a screen and consistently win his matchup. And he’s not coming off a partially torn pec like Price is, although that shouldn’t hurt Price moving forward.

Second Round:

But as the second round opens up, I see the Big Board set up like so, and I’m kinda excited by what I see:

Man, Vea or Price would look really good in purple. So, I call Cleveland GM Sonny Weaver, Jr., and try to strike a deal (LOOK IT’S ALL MADE UP JUST WORK WITH ME HERE):

This is what I offer:

Now, before you crucify me, hear me out: the Vikings are getting at least one extra third round compensatory pick in next year’s draft, or a third and a fourth, depending on what you believe from the smart folks that project these picks, and what else happens in free agency. Assuming the Vikings are drafting late in the 2019 draft, I’m gonna be okay losing a future second rounder to make a move and secure my interior offensive line for a decade:

Selection: Billy Price, C, THE Ohio State University

Vita Vea is super enticing here, but the Sheldon Richardson deal (and future extension?), along with the continued development of Jaleel Johnson means I can wait one more draft, hopefully, on this position. Price is the real deal, and Hernandez-Pat Elflein-Price, with Danny Isidora as my primary backup is going to be something that will allow me to sleep peacefully at night if I’m Kirk Cousins.

Third Round:

As the third round started, I received the following trade offer:

Moving back six spots with the Colts and picking up a pick in the fifth round sounds exactly like something Rick Spielman would do, so I accept the trade. These are now my remaining picks:

But the downside is that I have no third round pick. For five spots? Meh, whatever, I now have a high fourth and fifth round pick.

Fourth Round:

Here’s what the big board showed me as it rolled to my pick in the fourth round:

It seems hard to believe the top tight end in the draft is still around, so I put the NFL on speed dial and make the call.

Selection: Mike Gesicki, TE, Penn St

Whew, what a steal for me here, and for the folks that keep predicting DOOM on Kyle Rudolph, if this happens you may be finally right. I don’t see it happening in real life, but a TE combo of Rudolph and Gesicki in short yardage and goal line situations could be a matchup nightmare for defenses for a year or two, and then if Rudolph leaves the Vikings have his replacement already groomed.

Fifth Round:

Here’s my big board as I get to pick three in the fifth round:

LB’s Malik Jefferson and Shaquem Griffin were on the board as the round began, and I was hoping Jefferson would slip to me. But he didn’t, as he was drafted by That Team From Wisconsin. I thought he was the best value pick at the position...but oh hey lookee here let’s fill out our RB corps, shall we?

Selection: Rashaad Penny, RB, San Diego St

If the Vikings go with this much offense in the draft (they won’t, not with Mike Zimmer), then that will telegraph that they’re going to take care of all the guys on defense with extensions coming due. Either way, Penny here is a good pick, and it gives me a running back corps that at least on paper seems as good a Cook-Murray-McKinnon from last season.

With my second pick, Mike Zimmer is calling me everything in the book for not getting him a defensive player yet, so yeah here we go here’s the big board for my second selection in the fifth:

Selection: Dorance Armtrong, EDGE, Kansas

With Everson Grifen north of 30 and Danielle Hunter looking at a big extension, there’s a possibility this will be a position of need earlier than people think, so I chose the best EDGE guy still on the board.

Sixth Round:

The Vikings have three picks in the sixth round, two of which are compensatory picks. At this point, I’m just going best player available because I’m tired and it’s still all fake. Here’s the big board at pick 30 in this round:

So there are some intriguing names from a ‘blogger who likes to make a lot of jokes’ perspective out there. Breeland Speaks, for example, could be excellent when referencing the old E.F. Hutton commericals, and well, Poona Ford...I’ll just let that stand on it’s own merit. Nyheim ‘sooooo hot, want to touch the Hines-ey’ would be appealing for the ladies in the crowd as well. Although it would also play well off the Jewish greeting ‘L’Haim’, I suppose.

Selection: Leon ‘Sandcastle’ Jacobs, LB, Wisconsin

The Vikings need a linebacker, and I would try to turn Leon ‘Sandcastle’ Jacobs into the next ZOMG AUDIE COLE WOOOOOOOOOOO !!!!!!!!!!!!11!!!!!!!!.

Here’s the big board as pick 39 in round six comes around:

Heh. My heart is filled with joy.

Selection: Poona Ford, DL, Texas

Poona gives the Vikings a lot of tangy potential here, not even gonna lie. AND I STILL GET ONE MORE PICK IN THIS ROUND BESTILL MY HEART. Here’s the big board for my final sixth round pick:

In all seriousness, I really love the selection of my next pick, even though I have 55 reasons to hate it:

Selection: Josey Jewell, LB, Iowa

Josey might be the jewel of this round, if we’re being completely honest here.

Seventh Round:

Whew, almost done. Will I pick an OSU guy? A funny named guy? A FUNNY NAMED OHIO STATE GUY PERCHANCE? Either way, there is no chance I’m taking it seriously at this point, so here’s the big board:

Selection: Dee Delaney, CB, Miami (FL)

The Vikings get a quite ordinarily named CB that will possibly end up on the practice squador the new XFL in a year or two. Or (and this is the most likely scenario if most fans get their way), he’ll make like two plays in the second pre-season game and there shall be a hue and cry in the Hinterlands that he be elevated to start opposite Xavier Rhodes because OHMYGOD WAYNES AND ALEXANDER SUCK SO BAAAAAAAAAD WHYYYYYYYY DID WE DRAFT THEMMMMMMMMM while conveniently forgetting The Great Unwashed wants

them replaced by a rookie seventh rounder.

So, the 2017 Vikings draft class is in the books. To recap:

Let me know what you think below, but before you do I want you to send me, without looking, a 500 word essay on why my 2017 mock drafts sucked.

‘But Ted’, you think to yourself, ‘I don’t remember any of your 2017 mock drafts.’

Exactly. Enjoy.