ED NOTE: This has bad words. None of the other things we write on here do, but this one does. It seems to be a popular bit, so until the law catches up with me, I’m going to keep doing it. Thanks for understanding, and thanks for not reading and not letting your kids read it if bad language isn’t your thing. Hope you enjoy the rest of our articles—Ted
Every great warrior poet has his comeuppance. Napoleon had his Waterloo, Patton slapped a guy in Sicily, Rommel got routed in North Africa. Even Robert E. Lee had his Appomattox.
When you are handed a humbling humiliation, you can do one of two things. You can either slink back in to the corner and become a footnote in history, or you can reflect, rebuild, and try to re-conquer. Because reflection is for the weak, and rebuilding your Army and starting a new campaign is what warrior poets do. Because fuck those horse shit eating douchebags, that’s why.
Because you are Zim Tzu, The King In The North, High Septon Of Eagan, Lord Commander Of The Iron Range And Twin Cities, Master Of Fortress TCO, Honorary Elder Of Mankato and Protector Of The Realm.
When you re-assemble your Army after such a humbling defeat, you must grab their attention, and let them know you mean business. How do you do that? With language that hits home, right between the eyes. Only, when you speak so publicly, you gotta go through Mexico to get to Canada when you’re making your point. Because although you need to set everyone straight, The Great Unwashed can’t handle such auditory brutality at point blank range.
So that’s where we come in here at The Daily Norseman.* We take Mike Zimmer’s verbal artillery, water it down to some something a little less powerful than snakes and sparklers (because what the hell with fireworks being illegal in Minnesota and shit),** and it comes out on the other side fresh and clearly understood.***
*By ‘we’ I mean ‘me’. I tried to talk the new guys into taking the fall for this, and even they weren’t dumb enough to sign on for this.
**Like seriously, not even fucking bottle rockets? Lame. As. Shit. Homeland.
***It’s all utter bullshit. I make everything up, kind of like Jameis Winston explaining his side of the story.
For those of you that are new to the ways of Zim Tzu, we take his official press conference transcript, look at what Mike Zimmer actually said, and then translate what he said into the real meaning right below.*
*Seriously, I make it all up, if you can’t tell five minutes into this.
As is usually the case, Zim Tzu had an opening statement.
What Zim Tzu said: Getting pads on today, excited to get out there and bang , around a little bit. See where we’re at that way, it’s been a long time since we had the pads on. Should be fun, we’re able to get some bump and run now, able to get a little bit of one-on-one pass rush with the offensive and defensive lines and the linebackers, should be good. It’ll be a good evaluation day.
What Zim Tzu meant: The last time we wore pads Nick Foles skullfucked us in ways that Stormy Daniels couldn’t even fathom. I’m excited to knock the piss out of these guys until we’re ready to rip a great white shark in two with our bare goddamn hands.
Q: How much work do you expect Dalvin Cook to get today with pads on?
What Zim Tzu said: He’s going to get a good dose today. We’re going to monitor him a little bit. He needs to get banged around a little bit.
What Zim Tzu meant: We’re going to hit him more than opposing hitters hit the Twins bullpen. But at the end of the day he’s gonna get up and ask for more, because Dalvin Cook is a fucking badass and he’s gonna rip this league a second and third
asshole Goodell by the time this season is over.
Q: What have you seen from Holton Hill as far as his openness to coaching?
What Zim Tzu Said: He’s been really good that way. I had a chance to work with him a little bit on some things yesterday, we’ll continue to work with him. He’s been real receptive to everything. I think he’s eager to learn.
What Zim Tzu meant: We got a fuckin’ steal. Kid is gonna ball out.
Q: Do you go through a similar process with all young defensive backs or do you have to tailor it based on their skill set?
What Zim Tzu Said:: Basically, you go through the same process with all of them. Some of them you can advance a little bit quicker than others. The techniques we teach aren’t really that hard, but it’s different than they’re used to doing. That takes a while until they can really perfect it. Even guys like Xavier [Rhodes] are still trying to perfect it. It’s just understanding positioning and things like that.
What Zim Tzu Meant: This train doesn’t fucking stop, man. Get on board or get out.
Q: Will you continue to rotate Tom Compton and Danny Isidora at the left guard spot?
What Zim Tzu Said:: We’re actually going to have some more guys in there today. We’ve had some injuries on the offensive line so it’s important that we look at guys in different spots. It’s the, the more you can do to help the team thing. We’ll look at some other guys in there today. Just trying to work through the process of figuring out who the best five are.
What Zim Tzu Meant: I’m going to rotate more fucking people in there to get the best five possible I might put a goddamn jersey on your Mama if I think she can stifle a three technique with a swim move as good as Michael Fucking Phelps.
Q: What is the biggest thing you want Anthony Barr to get out of working with the defensive line?
What Zim Tzu Said:: Besides some of the technique stuff, it’s feeling comfortable going against bigger, stronger guys. That’s probably the main thing. Sometimes when he rushed against some of the offensive lineman, I wouldn’t say he didn’t have a plan, but he’d get in a certain position and then didn’t know how to react to it or finish it. We’re trying to put him in those situations as much as possible so that he can understand what he has to do when he gets to that spot.
What Zim Tzu Meant: To get fucking paid. By this team.
Q: What do you look for when you’re evaluating for that third running back spot?
What Zim Tzu Said:: Well, it just depends on, a little bit, of their skill set. Mike Boone is a little bit different skill set than Mack Brown. Can they catch the ball, can they block protections, what kind of runner are they. Then we try to fit it where it’s best with us. It’s nice having a change of pace back like you say or a 1 and 1A and a change of pace or third down back. It’s really about who the best guys are and how we can utilize them.
What Zim Tzu meant: Well, since injuries are more common around here than oxygen, I’d like a guy that can get one yard on the first carry, not one yard in four attempts. Maybe catch a pass and look a little better than a baby sea turtle making a mad dash to the water after just emerging from the nest.
Q: How does it change your process when you have so many veterans that can also teach the younger players?
What Zim Tzu Said:: The big thing is they know what we’ve been teaching them for basically almost five years now. They’re able to go in and maybe explain it a little bit differently to them. Then we’re coaching this guy over here and typically guys like Linval and Everson are watching their position, that’s really what they’re watching. So they can come in right after the play and tell them, you should have done this or you should have done that. Whereas us as coaches are watching the whole group until we get up there and watch the tape and then we go through it again.
What Zim Tzu Meant: The Process never changes. We will square up, punch you in the mouth, and then move on to the next opponent.
Q: Especially with offensive linemen, how do your evaluations change now that players are wearing pads?
What Zim Tzu Said: Yes, it is real football now. In shorts you can evaluate to see if they are taking the right spots, are they going to the right guy, are they coming off on the right combinations, are they blocking the right protections. Now they have to do those, but get some movement on this guy and where our pad level is. The physicality of it all starts to show up.
What Zim Tzu Meant: We went from a fucking tire fire in 2016 to a ‘hey we don’t suck’ level last year. This year I’d like a little bit more than ‘hey we don’t suck’.
Q: When Pat Elflein comes back from injury, do you expect him at center?
What Zim Tzu Said:: Yeah.
What Zim Tzu Meant: No, I’m gonna move him to tight end. Jesus, what the fuck kind of stupid question was this?
Q: Do you expect Nick Easton to move to guard?
What Zim Tzu Said: We’ll see.
What Zim Tzu Meant: Fullback. Fuck outta here.
Q: You say it is real football now with the pads coming on, are you nostalgic to the older days when there was more tacking and physical in training camp?
What Zim Tzu Said:: Those things don’t really bother me, it’s how you play the game now with pads on so I think that is part of it. We are not going to tackle much but, we can start talking a little bit more with the new tackling rules, lowering your head and things like that, wrapping up which we have not been able to really do as well as stripping the football a little bit more.
What Zim Tzu Meant: Don’t give two fucks if it’s 1978 or 2018. Somebody fucking wrap, tackle, and make a play.
Q: Coach it looks like Anthony Barr did a lot of work at the defensive line yesterday at practice. Is that a conscious effort to get him on the edge more?
What Zim Tzu Said:: Kind of like I was saying before, it’s a conscious effort in to getting him into rush situations where he knows what to do. I really don’t have any concerns when he’s rushing on a back, but sometimes when he gets on a bigger stronger guy, and gets in certain positions he has to know what to do. A lot of it is that, so we just figured we’ve done it all spring long. We just figured that if we’re going to make him be able to do some more things pass rush wise, it’s good to get him down there with the defense line because that’s what they do all day.
What Zim Tzu Meant: It’s a conscious effort to show his worth and keep him on the fucking Vikings. And I just want him to hit Aaron Rodgers a lot.