ED NOTE: This has bad words. Most of the other things we write on here usually don’t, but this one does. It seems to be a popular bit, so until the law catches up with me, I’m going to keep doing it. Thanks for understanding, and thanks for not reading and not letting your kids read it if bad language isn’t your thing. Hope you enjoy the rest of our articles—Ted
When you are a warrior poet, every now and then you’ll encounter a foe that has been on a roll and punching above their weight class. They’re outmanned, outgunned, but they rally around a charismatic leader, and that leader makes them think foolish things, dangerous things. Like they can beat you, on ground of your choosing. Or that they can take your place in the postseason dance.
Or that sleeping with a porn star won’t give you the drippy dick...sherman.
So you do a few things to make sure that danger is eliminated. You bring in your own field commander—one that’s steady and who doesn’t call in sick, and then you harass Jimmy Interception with a crazed gang of berzerkers that are in his face more than a gang of paparazzi when he’s out on a date with a gal that’s got more gametape than Jimmy Wrap That Rascal does.
And her tape is more...entertaining. Allegedly. So I’ve been told.
Because there’s only room enough for one Granitejaw McDreamy in this longboat, that’s why. So hit the bricks, Charlie Sheen wannabe.
Because you are Zim Tzu, The King In The North, Breaker Of Gold Fever, High Septon Of Eagan, Lord Commander Of The Iron Range And Twin Cities, Master Of Fortress TCO, Honorary Elder Of Mankato and Protector Of The Realm.
And when you are better at banging around Jimmy Canyon Yodeler than the Open All Night Diner he’s pouring the coals to, the Great Unwashed want to hear how it happened.
That’s where we come in. What we (wait I mean just me because if this site gets sued over this sophistry I’ll be as popular as a Taliban Leper colony) do here at The Daily Norseman is break down the film* of the press conference, parse what Mike Zimmer said,** then give you a version of what he really meant, based on years of experience doing this.***
* By ‘film of the press conference’, we mean ‘films of Kira Mia’.
**Nothing is parsed. It’s 100% made up bullshit that is disjointed and meaningless. Like Matt Nagy’s playcalling.
***Look, the FBI is going to end this party any day and somehow tie this to the Mueller investigation. So let’s just have fun with this while we can.
As usual, Mike Zimmer had an opening statement:
What Zim Tzu said: Good afternoon. After watching the tape, obviously there were some really good things. Defensively, they were one-for-four in the red zone, we had four turnovers. I thought we pressured the quarterback very well. Offensively, I thought we made some big plays in some of the passing game. We have to do a better job in the running game. Defensively, we have to do a better job in some of the coverage things. Overall, it is a good first win, a good learning experience and things to move forward with.
What Zim Tzu meant: Jimmy Fuckboy probably scored more often on his date with Mia Kara than he did on our defense, is all I’m sayin’. And that’s because at times our defense looked more disturbing and horrifying than a goddamn Rob Zombie film. Granitejaw McDreamy was pretty good, though, and would never date a porn star. But I’ll admit that some of his throws are legit football porn and that makes me tingly in my happy places.
Q: Did you see any common theme in the breakdowns of the coverage?
What Zim Tzu said: We had a couple that are not typical of us. Two of them were pretty easy. We had one that was a hard one that we didn’t handle the right way.
What Zim Tzu meant: Yes, I would call the theme to parts of yesterday’s coverage ‘The Philadelphia Experiment’ because LOL WHAT IN THE SWEET FUCK WAS SOME OF THAT? I mean, good thing a pigskin assassin like Nick Foles wasn’t back there to this time. Like seriously how the fuck do you overthrow a slow ass George Kittle like that? That was borderline incredible.
Q: What was the impact you saw right away with Sheldon Richardson and how well he worked with Linval Joseph?
What Zim Tzu said: Sheldon played very well. Rushed the passer well. Played the run good. I told him, “I hadn’t see that guy before.” He came on. He played really, really well.
What Zim Tzu meant: LOL it’s just fucking unfair how good this defensive line is.
Q: How does it help your defensive ends when you have help from your interior guys?
What Zim Tzu said: Well the one sack Danielle [Hunter] got, Sheldon [Richardson] actually knocked the quarterback off the spot and back up into Danielle and he got a sack on that one. Those are the kind of things that happen.
What Zim Tzu meant: No, you fucking syphilis infected twat. I think it’s MUCH easier when you have three douchebags and one good player on the defensive line. I want that one guy to bust his ASS, because then I know he really, really wants it more than anyone else. Dumbass.
Q: Is Kirk Cousins’ throws and touchdown passes in tight windows is that just guts or talent?
What Zim Tzu said: He is pretty accurate. The one to [Kyle] Rudolph was a tight window. The one to [Stefon] Diggs, the one to [David] Morgan. He has been doing it in practice, too. He throws into tight places. When he needs to hum it, he can hum it. There was another throw in there, can’t remember which one it was, but he hummed that one in there pretty good, too. I thought it was probably a little bit of both. A little guts and a little bit of arm talent.
What Zim Tzu meant: I know this is a weird concept to see a quarterback with some zip on the ball around these parts. It kind of freaks me out, too. After his TD pass to Diggs I asked Flip WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SORCERY? and Flip looked at me like I had a dick in the middle of my forehead. ‘It’s an accurate throw with velocity and placement, coach.’
And I thought ‘fuck outta here it’s either/or around these parts.’ BUT IT’S NOT AND YOU CAN DO BOTH ALL OF THOSE THINGS SIMULTANEOUSLY WOOOOOO FUCKIN’ SLING THAT ROCK BABY! ALSO HIRE THE SECRET SERVICE TO PROTECT HIS KNEES.
Q: With some of the quarterback scrambles, what was San Francisco doing to get Kirk Cousins out of the pocket so quickly?
What Zim Tzu said: One of the scrambles, he was just climbing in the pocket like he is supposed to do and it opened up and he took off. I am trying to remember the other one. Typically, that is what happens. You step up in the pocket and you see a clearing and you take off. They might be in man coverage and running with their backs to you.
What Zim Tzu meant: Well you know it’s funny you ask that because fuckin’ Tom Compton was pretty much the reason. Had to climb the pocket? Tom Fuckin’ Compton. The one I’m trying to forget but can’t, even with a fifth of tequila? Tom Fuckin’ Compton. Man coverage? I’ll give you three guesses and the first two don’t count...YOU GUESSED IT! Tom Fuckin’ Compton.
Q: How was the communication of the offensive line?
What Zim Tzu said: I think it was pretty good. There was some communication that we have to clean up. For the most part, it was good.
What Zim Tzu meant: When they blocked it was great. When they didn’t it was like Helen Keller trying trying to talk to Stevie Wonder on fuckin’ FaceTime with shitty wifi...it just didn’t work very well, and after two minutes of that shit, you were just laughing and you wanted to throw your phone across the room.
Q: How do you think the offensive line handled some of the twists early?
What Zim Tzu said: I think a little bit there were a couple that happened on the left side that we were late getting back to. That is part of it.
What Zim Tzu meant: They handled about as well as Brad Childress handled Randy Moss in 2010. Fuckin’ Chilly.
Q: What are the challenges this week if you don’t know who Green Bay’s quarterback is?
What Zim Tzu said: I don’t know. I just started watching so I can’t really tell you anything about that yet. I just started watching.
What Zim Tzu meant: If DeShone Kizer plays there is no challenge, except maybe not peeing my pants from laughing when I watch his film.
Q: What did you think of Aaron Rodgers and Green Bay’s comeback win?
What Zim Tzu said: Yeah, I don’t have a TV so I didn’t watch it.
What Zim Tzu meat: Fuck that guy and his knee.
Q: How does Aaron Rodgers’ mobility disrupt what you try to do?
What Zim Tzu said: It’s tremendous. The guy is an unbelievable player. He’s obviously, I don’t want to say anybody’s the best but he’s pretty darn close to being the best guy. I mean his arm is unbelievable. I still remember when I played him in a preseason game in Cincinnati. He ducked under a guy, spun, rolled to his right and threw a 30-yard dart on the sideline over there and I said, “Holy crap”. Since that day I’ve had the utmost respect for this guy. He can make every throw, he’s smart, he’s tough obviously. He’s a great player.
What Zim Tzu meant: Fuck that guy and his arm. But holy crap he’s pretty good.
Q: How you think Coach John DeFilippo did with play calling?
What Zim Tzu said: Good. He did good. There’s always some that you want back. There’s a bunch I want back from yesterday too, but I think it’s a good first start and moving forward I think we both try and iron out things that we feel like “Should of done this or should of done that”. I think it was good.
What Zim Tzu meant: I mean at first it was good and then at half time he said to me ‘hey coach I’m tired of running up and down the field. I’d like to go three and out and really challenge the defense to see what they could do, because really, who the fuck wants to win by 40? That shit is as boring as a Bill Musgrave gameplan.’ And I said ‘hey, what a great idea. Let’s fuck around and give San Francisco some false hope before we kick them in the balls at the end of the game. Good suggestion Flip.’
Q: Is there anything you would like to see improve on the two-minute drills?
What Zim Tzu said: Part of it there was probably me. I told [John DeFilippo] Flip that I didn’t want to give them the ball back at the end of the first half. We’re back there on the 10-yard line. We’re just trying to get the first down and really you’re not thinking field goal at the time and then we got in around the minus 45 or something. Then I was still at that time thinking about letting the clock run out. I mean things were going pretty good so we gave it one chance and we tried to throw the screen and we lost five yards. At that point I just said, “To heck with it”.
What Zim Tzu meant: It was my fault for expecting points. I said ‘hey Flip, dial up something fun, let’s make the end of this half memorable.’ So Flip says ‘fuck yeah, let’s unleash the dragon.’ Next thing I know Dalvin Cook is doing a Jim Marshall impersonation, Laquon Treadwell made me think he was the next coming of Bobby Wade, and McDreamy wasn’t about to be left out of that party and ate the ball in a way that made Christian Ponder sit up and say ‘fuck yeah what PERFECT FORM’. So I look at Flip and say ‘what kind of fucking dragon was that? A Chinese kite dragon?’ And Flip said ‘what?’ And I said ‘you said ‘let’s unleash the dragon.’ And then Flip laughed and said ‘no I said ‘let’s end the half with a drag.’ Then that point I just said ‘fuck it’.
Q: How big of a weapon can Dalvin Cook be catching passes?
What Zim Tzu said: Again, that team [San Francisco] plays a certain style of defense and makes it tough to run the ball on, and they play a little looser in the underneath coverage, so when you get a chance and he took a couple, he caught the ball and got around the linebacker to the perimeter a couple of times which ends up being big gains. I think he had a 15-yard and a 14-yard, or 16 and 14-yard catches. Those are all good.
What Zim Tzu meant: He’s a fucking atomic bomb and the NFL is going to be his Hiroshima.
Q: Did anything stand out to you about the game that Mike Hughes had?
What Zim Tzu said: He did some good things, and he had a couple mistakes. A couple plays that they hit on us were things that he just blanked out on. But he was competitive, he got up there and he typically challenged the receivers. A lot of young guys, when they go in there and they’re playing their first game, they’re going to play a little bit cautious. He wasn’t like that at all. He tries to be too perfect all of the time, because he wants to do everything right, so sometimes he tries to do everything a little bit too perfect instead of just using his ability and some of those things.
What Zim Tzu meant: His end zone celebration stood out. A lot.
Q: With Aviante Collins’ injury, how do you feel the depth of your offensive line is effected? Is Brian O’Neill ready to contribute?
What Zim Tzu said: A.C. is a good football player and we’re going to miss him, but we’re going to continue to build depth, we’re going to continue to push, and I think O’Neill is getting better, yes.
What Zim Tzu meant: I swear to God if one more offensive lineman gets hurt and I’m staring at a 2016-like abyss I’m going to kidnap some hapless Division III backup kicker, build an altar, and perform a human fucking sacrifice to keep that from happening. We’ll make the violent ass shit the ancient Mayans did look like an Amish furniture sale. That shit is NOT happening again.
Q: You mentioned wanting to run the ball better than you did yesterday. What goes into that?
What Zim Tzu said: Sometimes we didn’t get to the second level. They were lined up a little bit different, the linebacker was shaded a little further away. All those things determine your calls, so when these two guys are trying to get those two guys, if he’s way over here and then he moves on the snap we have to be able to see it a little bit quicker. I thought we had some good runs, but I thought we didn’t get to the linebacker enough.
What Zim Tzu meant: You know, it’s like when you and your wife go on vacation. She has a pretty good plan of what she wants to do when you get to your destination, and you’re just kind of like ‘eh fuck it does the hotel have a bar or not?’ And she’s like ‘look jackass we’re on vacation, you’re not going to spend the week drinking at the goddamn hotel bar because we are going sightseeing.’ And you get all pissed off because drinking is always a good fuckin’ plan, AND the hotel bar has dollar happy hour with some decent domestic beers on tap! For the love of Anheuser Busch how does it get any better if we’re being honest with each other?
And of course that’s the last thing you should have said, and now everything is on the verge of going to shit, because something like a 19th century house that has some cool fucking windows or some other weird architectural shit might as well be the Taj Mahal at this point, so you keep the peace and go see some weird ass house with 32 rooms and weird fuckin’ windows.
And when you’ve walked 14,000 steps through the non-air conditioned house with wallpaper that was designed by Hunter S. Thompson on a pharmaceutical combination that would stop a whale’s heart, all of a sudden she’s all like ‘hey you want to go back to the hotel, maybe grab one of those dollar beers?’
The next thing you know shit works out fine, and you’ve both had a good time. It’ll be fine. See you next week.