FanPost

The Wisdumb of Wisconsin Fats

Background: I heard a clip from Mike McCarthy's press conference on Monday after Chicago gave GB a win the Packers came from behind to beat the Bears. It got me thinking...What is actually going on in MM's brain? Then I realized that the DN* has translation capabilities** for such things, and so I decided to point them away from Winter Park TCO something-or-other to see what I could learn***.

*Ted. Really just Ted****.

**Ha! The DN can't understand what's said on the DN half the time, let alone anywhere else.

***Or what I could make up. Because let's face it, imagining you're Mike McCarthy for a time, without actually having to BE Mike McCarthy, is pretty funny.

****Yes, I'm basically stealing Ted's format here—including the whole "there are bad words" stuff. Sue me*****.

*****No, don't sue me. My wife would get hella mad if I had court ordered wage garnishment or something.

Having said all of that...MM's full press conference, found here, is about 18 minutes long. I could not find a written transcript, so I transcribed portions of it myself ... and honestly, I did a pretty quick and dirty [read as inexact] job of it; for instance, I left out the countless "ums" and "ahs" and shit, which probably accounts for about 17 of the 18 minutes. Anyways, what follows is portions; excerpts. As in not the whole thing. Having to listen to that terrible use of human macromolecules for just the parts I DID transcribe was bad enough. I wasn't willing to do the whole thing. More importantly, doing this post for the whole presser isn't worth ANYONE's time, yours included, Dear Reader. And with that, I give you...The Wisdumb of Mike McCarthy Wisconsin Fats.

Q: Something something Aaron Rodgers play this week?

A: First off, about Aaron Rodgers, we're still collecting all the information on his specific situation. I know Aaron wants to play and is always driven to play, but that's all I have for right now.

What WI Fats meant: Oh dear God, if there is any way in the name of the breaded and deep-fried, 9 pound 6 ounce sweet Baby Jesus for Aaron to play, he's going to play. My job depends on it, as it has for 10 years, and as it depended on Brett Freakin' Favre for a few years before that. I mean, let's face it. If left to my own devices, I'd probably be an unemployed former toe jam taste tester who got fired because I couldn't test the stuff without scarfing all of it down. So yeah, we're collecting "facts", such as how high we can make him so he doesn't feel his knee, or how many flags the league can guarantee us for Danielle Hunter looking anywhere within a 30 degree cone of Aaron, before we decide for sure whether Aaron's going to play. But as long as we're confident that the DEA won't be called in, or that any person, place, or thing clad in even the subtlest hint of purple isn't allowed any closer to him than the minimum safe distance for goats of our great state, he's going to play.

Q: When will that collection process be completed?

A: We're working on it. That's all I have for right now. I mean, if the next four questions are the same, then ditto the answer. We are where we are. We're in meetings right now, felt it was important to bring the team back in and get on a normal Monday schedule, so we're in the process of going through the corrections with the offense and the defense, special teams, corrected already, we had our team meeting, I briefly had a chance to speak with Aaron, and we're still getting all the information.

What WI Fats meant: Keep asking me, and I'll keep telling you: We're working on it (wink wink). That way, when he does play, it'll sound like there was actually some doubt, and then ya'll can slobber all over his Dixie-sized nut cup and tell me what a genius I am for having a future Hall of Fame QB. Although...now that I think about it, maybe he won't play. Because let's be honest. We all know what time it is—the Vikings are probably going to kick our asses up and down the field on Sunday ... but if I can play the "Aaron was hurt" card again, then maybe I could hang onto my job again this coming offseason. Because I can't go back to taste testing toe jam. That shit's just so delish, I can't lay off it, and then I'll probably get high on my boss's supply and he'll have to fire me. Then I'd have to go to Rex Ryan for some more, and nobody wants to have to do that ... so it's probably easier for everyone if I just sit Aaron and keep my job. You know what? We need some more information before I make a decision.

Q: How was the decision determined that he was good enough to go and play again last night?

A: Any time a player's injured, particularly when they bring him inside, based on the injury, there's a protocol of what they go through to see if the doctor will clear him to go back out. So, not getting into the specifics of every injury and the protocols for each and every one, but that process went on throughout the second quarter, and let's say at half time—at half time, we were preparing as a staff to play with DeShone, and then shortly before we got out to the field, as we were walking into the tunnel, I had a chance to talk to Aaron and Dr. McKenzie, and he was cleared to go.

What WI Fats meant: The decision was easy. I could either continue playing with DeShone Kizer at QB and lose to a Chicago Bears team led by Mitchell Trubisky, or I could do something extreme. So at half time, I sent out one of my assistants, he returned with a goat graciously donated by a local fan—and as you all know, that's a pretty big thing to give up 'round these parts. We brought the goat in, let some stockholders into the locker room to give it a ceremonial ride, then we slaughtered it, and rubbed some of the mixed fluids on Aaron's knee. We also doped him up with some shit Clay Matthews had in his locker—some kind of roided out shampoo—and something Aaron Jones forgot to take home with him at the end of last season. I then asked Dr. McKenzie, "Doc, is he good to play?" The Doc just looked at Aaron, who proceeded to dance around like he was a chicken bobbing for piranhas in an apple barrel. Doc said "I didn't hear him say he can't play, so I think he's good", and we then that Aaron was coming back for the second half. Because I may be a dumb fat-ass who knowingly took employment in Green Bay, WI, but even I can't sink so low as to be beaten by a Mitchell Trubisky-led football team.

Q: The last time we saw him kind of playing on one leg was 2014 with the right calf. Just from a mechanics of the quarterback standpoint, does it change anything from a game planning standpoint for it to be the left leg instead of the right?

A: Well, I think it's like anything. When you're dealing with these types of situations, to sit and talk on a specific in public is not very smart, so I'm not gonna do that, but it's ... the requirements to play the position is obviously very difficult, he's extraordinary in that case to be able to play through certain things, but obviously everything we do moving through the week will ... we'll definitely look at all the variables.

What WI Fats meant: Pssssh ... like I would know. You'd have to ask Aaron, since between the two of us, one plays with a pigskin, and one plays with pig's skins. Foreskins, that is. But I don't hold that against Aaron, we all have our vices. Anyways ... I'd have to be unsmart to stand here and talk about it, so that's what I'm gonna do. It didn't really affect my game plan, since my game plan every week is basically "Hey Aaron, try to have one of our guys get that brown thingy into that box on the grass that somebody colored in. And what a good job they did staying in the lines! I wish I could color that well. And if you're having trouble, ask those people that are dressed like they're color blind to toss one of those yellow hankies, or dishrags, or whatever the hell they are, onto the grass for you. It seems like that helps us, and they don't seem to mind when you ask." So WTF do I care if it's his left or right leg? What are you, some kind of smart football guy? You think you could do my job? I'd love to see you try. On second thought, no I wouldn't, because then I'd be back to testing toe jam, but we already covered that.

Q: What you did last night, and I know it was only one game, and it's the first game. Does that have value going forward?

A: Absolutely. I mean, I think any time you talk about adversity, whether it's mental, physical, emotional ... you look at those opportunities and clearly want to build off of those. As a team, our mental errors and execution was not very good at all. To start the game, I clearly felt that our opponent was playing a half step faster than us, and we feel like we're addressing that this morning, and just like anything—whether it's good or bad—the opportunity to learn from it and improve is the most important part of what Mondays are for. So that's what we're doing now. But the ability to just keep going and overcome the deficit is a tremendous building block, and you need these kinds of games because history will tell you that week in and week out, there's so many games that come down to the end, and that was one of them last night. There's a lot to learn from and a lot to build on from the victory last night.

What WI Fats meant: Well, sure it does. I mean, we made Trubisky look like a legit NFL QB. Doing that shit ain't easy, you try coaching up a team to make him look good. We were all in on that effort and earned last bit of respect CHI got. Now, did it last? Of course not. At some point, Mitchy remembered who he is, Khalil Mack decided he had earned his $47 million for the night, or whatever he got paid for that one game, and Kyle Fuller forgot that the Bears matched our offer sheet and he's not actually a Packer DB. But even though they couldn't help Bears-ing it up last night, some good still came from it. I now have the "Aaron is hurt, that's why we still suck" card to keep playing when—not if, but when—I need it, and I know that even the goddamn Chicago fucking Bears are pretty much as good as we are now. That means I've got a bunch of time before we play them again to imagine some more shitty stuff for us to do that makes it look like we're trying as they hand us our asses again. So we're going to learn from what happened, and be better prepared not to piss away the loss next time.

Q: Did you have to scratch some plays out of the playbook because that would have stressed him?

A: Yeah, absolutely. I had my call sheet in the meeting this morning, and I don't think I've ever seen one like that where you had your first 15 calls in a game and I think we got five of them called. We had a package of offense that was an 18 play package, two of those called. You know, just like anything, whether you're installing your offense in training camp, how you practice it, with the plays you play with over the course of the season. You look at all the preparation going into that game, and really we were out of it pretty early in the game. And we had a no-huddle package, but to be into that exclusively says a lot about our players, and especially about our quarterback. And I think the defense did a great job of kept playing and kept playing, and kept us in it and got the big stop, and we were able to go down there on the two minute drive, and I think Aaron's just ... that's probably the best thing we do.

What WI Fats meant: Like I said before, our offense is basically have Aaron figure out what to do to score points. So no, I didn't really have to scratch some plays from my playbook. I mean, if I scratch our one play, then what do we do? We'd just stand there and take delay of game after delay of game. How would the game end that way? I'm going to have to ask if we could do that when Aaron's hurt. We couldn't really lose if the game clock never ticks away, right? Maybe our opponent would get tired of it and forfeit before our fans ran out of cheese with a hot dog hidden somewhere in it and decided to charge onto the field and eat them. I mean, my God, by about 1 am they'd be that desperately hungry, wouldn't they? I know I would. I guess one thing did change for our game plan though. The stupid refs forgot to not call penalties on us and stuff, so we had to figure out what to do. Hell, those bastards even gave Clay Matthews a 15-yarder for tapping Trubisky on the helmet. Next, you're going to tell me we won't get away with holding all the time ... what's that? We got called for offensive holding? Well, shit. Having Aaron is the best thing we do, but maybe that's not enough anymore. I'm going to have to go home and eat a side of beef or two and think about this.

Q: You've seen a lot of comebacks and performances, really good performances, in your day in football. Where does last night sit for you?

A: That's a great question, but those questions are really for when I'm sittin' on a porch some day. I was numb, you're always worried about the next play, the next situation. We had some clock management challenges there that we did a good job of. So you're so into the mechanics of the game and then ... but yeah, definitely one of the best games I've been part of.

What WI Fats meant: You know what? Come back and ask me that some day when my ass has gotten SO fat that I can't even peel it off the front porch with a snow-shovel-sized spatula. And maybe bring a spatula that big with you. I'd like to make some big effin' pancakes like that fat guy in Uncle Buck, you know, the ones he flipped with a snow shovel. I'd probably douse them with Velveeta and hot sauce too. I'd put ketchup on them, but that stuff has like vegetables and shit in it, and I swore those off years ago. I'll even invite my neighbors over to share. You'll probably need the shovel to get them off their fat asses too though, because they'll probably all be stuck on their porches too. Or under them when the floorboards give out and they all fall through and writhe around like turtles laying on their backs. I'm sorry, all this talk about fat people and pancakes ... what was the question? Oh, yeah, the game last night was great. If he'll donate them, I'd like to put Aaron's balls on my pancakes too; I love they way they feel in my mouth.

Q: Something something you feel like DeShone might get more work?

A: Well, I mean, DeShone will work, I don't think there's any question about that. He'll work a lot this week. But we haven't ... we're not that far.

What WI Fats meant: Will he get some work? Probably. It wouldn't be any stranger than him getting work after what he did last year ... Oh, you mean will he get to practice? Sure he will. We like to use him as a jugs machine. He aims at targets around the field, and our receivers run around and try to catch the balls he throws, which are generally nowhere near the target. That's one of the reasons why we kept, what was it, 68 receivers on our roster or something? They're just all so good after working with DeShone, we couldn't let any of them go. Though maybe we could use some guys at other positions, so we'll look for some teams that will trade a couple of starters and/or first round picks for some of the receivers at the bottom of our position group. I'm pretty sure that's a totally legit expectation ... Oh, will he get worked over this week? You mean against the Vikings? Let me just say this: After seeing what Khalil Mack did to Aaron last night, I'm a bit afraid for Aaron if he plays against Minnesota's front. And while I love playing the "Aaron is hurt card" to avoid taste testing toe jam for a living, I'm pretty sure that having him dead would be as likely to put me there as having people find out that our team sucks and I'm a terrible coach. So, we'll have to collect some more information, but there's definitely a chance that DeShone gets worked by the Vikings this week.

This FanPost was created by a registered user of The Daily Norseman, and does not necessarily reflect the views of the staff of the site. However, since this is a community, that view is no less important.