When a warrior poet heads out on the field of battle, he expects to win. But even the best of them fail, and come up short. When that happens, you retire, lick your wounds, and come out the next time, hungrier and more determined to win than ever.
But a stalemate...no one really expects those. A stalemate makes you feel like it was all for nothing. There was no glory in victory, there were no heroic last stands to the last man, no desperate, last ditch gambles that resulted in final victory that will cause other warrior poets to reverently speak of your deeds for all time. But there is some value in a stalemate, although it’s hard to understand at the time. You know you could have won, but you also realize you could have just as easily lost. Lessons are learned, plans are improved, and if you need to sacrifice someone to send a message, then by God that’s just what you’ll do.
Because you are Zim Tzu, The King In The North, Nightmare of Clan Fromage, Breaker Of Gold Fever, High Septon Of Eagan, Lord Commander Of The Iron Range And Twin Cities, Master Of Fortress TCO, Honorary Elder Of Mankato and Protector Of The Realm.
And when the Great Unwashed want to hear about how you won’t tolerate another stalemate, we swoop in as an intermediary* between you and them. We take what’s actually said, digest it,** then share the true meaning to the masses.***
*We should never be asked to be the go between for anyone over any dispute. Everyone would end up pissed, shots would be fired, and blood would probably be spilled.
**We do nothing of the sort. We completely make all of this up. Well, Zimmer actual press conference quotes are real. Nothing else is. Also you’re living in The Matrix.
***There is about as much true meaning to this as there is in the image of Jesus in a piece of toast. With butter.
As usual, Zim Tzu had an opening statement.
What Zim Tzu said: After watching the tape, obviously there were some good things and some things we have to get corrected. I thought the team fought like crazy, we were down 20-7 and we fought like crazy getting back. There was some good things defensively. They were one of five in the red zone. Our offense was 50 percent on third downs, and they were 31 percent. After the interception late in the ball game it was critical that we stopped them there and for them to kick a field goal and give us an opportunity to tie the game. In the running game, honestly there were some good runs in there, but we had some penalties and it got called back. We need to continue to work on that area, we need to be a little bit more disciplined defensively in some of the things that we’re doing. Guys are trying to make plays, and so we just need to settle that down. I think we’ll get back on track.
What Zim Tzu meant:
/runs hand through hair
Fuuuuuuuuccccckkkkk, man. We should’ve won that game. We should’ve lost that game. I hate kickers.
Q: What went in to the decision to let Daniel Carlson go?
What Zim Tzu said: Did you see the game?
What Zim Tzu meant: LOL are you fucking serious? Did you watch that or did you steal my old eye patches? I would have had more confidence in a fish flopping out there to try and make that kick than I had in Daniel Carlson.
Q: Was it an easy decision?
What Zim Tzu said: Yeah, it was pretty easy.
What Zim Tzu meant: Yeah, it was pretty easy. Hiding the body will be hard, but this was easy.
Q: Has the team signed Dan Bailey?
What Zim Tzu said: We’re bringing him in for a physical. We’ll see if we sign him or not.
What Zim Tzu said: Look, as long as he’s not Lieutenant Dan and has two goddamn legs, we’re signing him. Also, we would sign Lieutenant Dan over Daniel Carlson at this point.
Q: Have you felt a little snakebit with kickers during your time here?
What Zim Tzu said: That’s life. I don’t know. It’s hard to figure out. You think you got a guy for a while, and then he goes out and misses three in a big game. But things happen I guess.
What Zim Tzu meant: No. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO why would I? I’ve just gone through more kickers than someone with malaria goes through toilet paper, and none of them can hit water if they fell out of a boat in the middle of Lake Harriet.
Q: You said yesterday that you and Rick Spielman were going to sit down and discuss personnel decisions. Was Coach Priefer involved in that conversation, or did you take it out of his hands?
What Zim Tzu said: No, we didn’t.
What Zim Tsu meant: I told them what the fuck I did after I cut him. I’m sick of this kicker bullshit, man. Between quarterbacks and kickers I think we need to issue them ‘Hi my name is ________’ nametags until they last longer than a Spinal Tap drummer. Man, is this shit ever getting old.
Q: Do you wish you had the two sixth round draft picks that you used to move up and select Carlson back?
What Zim Tzu said: No. That’s water off a duck’s back. We’ll get some more sixth rounders next year, I’m not worried about that. Plus we got three undrafted free agents on the roster too, so that’s probably better than having those sixth rounders.
What Zim Tzu meant: LOL Rick will turn those into like 12 seventh round picks and then use those to try and move up and get another kicker. I told him if he does I’ll just kick him in the balls and tell him to knock that bullshit off. And I won’t miss wide right.
Q: How does a tie feel the day after? Is it still strange?
What Zim Tzu said: Yeah, it feels like a loss. I’m sure they probably feel the same way. I don’t know, you’d have to ask them. But there was so many things that happened there, and you got a chance to kick it and win it, and we don’t get it done. It feels like a loss. It obviously is way better than a loss, but we play to win. We didn’t get that part of it.
What Zim Tzu meant: Feels weird. Like accidentally walking in and seeing your Mom and Dad having sex. Weird and gross. I wanted to pour bleach in my eyes to cleanse them. Good God that was awful. I’m going to vomit.
Q: You signed a veteran player in wide receiver Aldrick Robinson. Is that just to help your depth at the position, or is that due to Laquon Treadwell’s struggles in yesterday’s game?
What Zim Tzu said: We’re going to see how he [Robinson] does, how he performs here in practice and then go from there.
What Zim Tzu meant: It is 100% due to Laquon Treadwell.
Q: What did you like about Robinson when you brought him in for a workout?
What Zim Tzu said: Well [Kirk] Cousins was with him before, and he really liked him. He’s a fast guy, makes some deep ball plays. Kirk throws a great deep ball, as you saw the other day.
What Zim Tzu meant: He’s not Laquon Treadwell, and Carolina won’t give us Jarius Wright back. Those fuckers.
Q: Have you had a chance to talk to Treadwell? If so, what did you tell him after a difficult game like yesterdays?
What Zim Tzu said: I talked to the whole team, but I haven’t talked to him individually. I’ve talked to some guys individually.
What Zim Tzu meant: No, or I would have ended his life, and there were too many witnesses at the time.
Q: What do you think he was trying to do?
What Zim Tzu said: I think he was trying to run before he caught the ball.
What Zim Tzu meant: I think he confused his elbows for his hands.
Q: What can players do differently when hitting the quarterback?
What Zim Tzu said: Yeah. It’s hard. They had one, we had one. The one on Eric [Kendricks] didn’t look like he puffed him up or anything. I don’t know it’s going to cost. I think that’s why scoring is way up right now, too, because of the things that they’re calling. Apparently that’s why it’s an offensive league.
What Zim Tzu meant: It’s fuckin’ bullshit. We hired a physics professor from Normandale Community College to see if he could help us. He looked at the new rules and said ‘yeah, defenses are fucked. You just can’t re-write the laws of physics. I mean, I’ll try to see if Sir Isaac Newton was an idiot, but I’m leaning more to Roger Goodell at this point. But that idiot is well in motion, and he’s going to stay in motion it looks like.
Q: Does hitting a quarterback in that legal strike zone actually increase the player’s chances of landing on top of him because of where they are trying to aim?
What Zim Tzu said: It’s difficult. They’re making it really difficult on defenders because you have to hit them in a certain spot then when you hit them and they start to go backwards your momentum is going to carry you through with it. I’ve even seen guys as they start going to the ground they put their hands out and they still call it. I don’t know.
What Zim Tzu meant: FUCK YEAH it does. Explain to me how a player can move off to the side once he’s in the process of tackling an opponent. It’s fucking football, and these are fucking tackles. This rule makes absolutely no sense. It’s like the Cleveland Browns, made into a rulebook.
Q: Do you think it needs to go to replay?
What Zim Tzu said: No. We got enough replay now, I think.
What Zim Tzu meant: Yes, yes, let’s take something stupid and complicate it further with more stupidity. Do you work for the government or something?
Q: How do you think Brian O’Neill did filling in for Rashod Hill?
What Zim Tzu said: Yeah, he did pretty good. I thought he played well.
What Zim Tzu meant: Who is this ‘Rashod...Hunt...Hill, did you say? Yeah, never heard of him.
Q: Do you feel fortunate that Dan Bailey is available?
What Zim Tzu said: We haven’t signed him yet, so I don’t know if I feel fortunate yet or not.
What Zim Tzu meant: I actually prefer shitting glass whenever our kicker trots out on the field. Really spices things up for me. No, Danny Boy’s gonna get up here, and I’m gonna make him an offer he can’t refuse. Luca Brasi is gonna hold a gun to his head, and I’m going to assure him either his brains or his signature will be on that contract.
Q: Special teams as a whole is not where you wanted it, what is your approach moving forward?
What Zim Tzu meant: Yeah, we’re going to have to clean it up. I’ve talked to the team about some things and that I’ll keep within ourselves, but we’ve got to do a better job there. We can’t get a punt blocked. We did have some good returns in the game. We should of fair caught a couple punts that we didn’t – lost about ten yards on each one. We’ve got to do a better job there, yeah.
What Zim Tzu meant: We’re going to institute a new policy this week. Every time we get a punt blocked, I’m going to take a football, and kick it as hard as I can right in to Mike Priefer’s ass. I might not even use a football, and just use my foot. Hope his helicopter pilot’s license is still good, because he might need to life flight his own ass to a hospital if this bullshit keeps up.
Q: Did Kirk Cousins show you anything from a competitive standpoint in the fourth quarter that maybe you hadn’t seen before?
What Zim Tzu said: Not really. I mean I know he’s a competitor. He played outstanding last week and everybody was saying he was zero for six in the fourth quarter and this week he’s 14 out of 20 and two touchdowns or whatever it is. Everything is a week-to-week thing. I know everybody gets all excited about what this guys didn’t do this week or what this guy did this week, so he’s always been a competitor to me. I thought he played great.
What Zim Tzu meant: I mean, he played good football from the quarterback position. I know that’s a foreign concept around here for most of the last 40 years minus some notable exceptions, but this is the norm now. Need a clutch throw? Bam. Need a 4th quarter comeback? Boom. Welcome to the new world order. Drink it in, savor it, let it dance on your tongue. Glorious, isn’t it? YOU VIKE THAT? Oh shit, I owe Kirk 20 bucks now. Damn it.
Q: Would going from 15 minutes to 10 minutes in overtime change anything?
What Zim Tzu said: I do think you have a chance to have more ties. I think that is the second tie this year, right? I do think you have a chance to have more ties that way. As hot as it was yesterday, probably because of the heat and the number of plays. They had the ball for 38 minutes and we had it for 31 or something like that. I would say a little less number of plays that you are out there, the less opportunity there is for guys to get hurt.
What Zim Tzu meant: Yeah, it meant I didn’t have an extra five minutes to play with. I could’ve fucking kept driving, scored a touchdown, and won without having to trot out Danny Shell Shock to fuck up the end of the game. So we tied. I fuckin’ hate ties. See you next week.