ED NOTE: This has bad words. Most of the other things we write on here usually don’t, but this one does. It seems to be a popular bit, so until the law catches up with me, I’m going to keep doing it. Thanks for understanding, and thanks for not reading and not letting your kids read it if bad language isn’t your thing. Hope you enjoy the rest of our articles—Josh
That’s right bishes, it’s a substitute effort on Zim Tzu this week. And just like all other substitutues, feel free to hate me and throw paper airplanes around this joint cause I clearly have less moral authority than the real teacher.
Well, I’m not sure how many Vikings fans expected what was coming on Sunday, but I’d say the number was somewhere between 99 and 101 percent of us. I mean, what else is new? Playing down to the level of an inferior team, getting blown at home, suffering a historic loss when expecting to win, fucking up expectations when it comes to living up to the team’s potential ability to win a Super Bowl.
So what do you have to do when you blew a game you should have won, one of your captains is dealing with mental health issues, and you’re heading out on the road to face one of the few other teams in your conference that could challenge for a Super Bowl this season.
Sounds like a good recipe for success, I know! Because you are Zim Tzu, The King In The North, Breaker Of Gold Fever, The One Who Ties Packers and Gets Run Over by Bills, High Septon Of Eagan, Lord Commander Of The Iron Range And Twin Cities, Master Of Fortress TCO, Honorary Elder Of Mankato and Protector Of The Realm.
That’s where Ted (and I, for this week and next) come in. What Ted and I (and I truly do mean just us, I better not get sued over this shit) do is break down the film* of the press conference, send what Mike Zimmer said through our own personal translators**, then spew it back out for public consumption***.
*Yes, it is more instructive than anything Leslie Frazier ever said, no it should not be considered helpful medical or legal advice.
**And I’m not talking about those jank-ass translators they have on whatever the latest sci-fi show is, I’m talking the translators that everyone gets when six bottles of beer are on the floor.
***I’d recommend wearing sunglasses because the taeks in these articles have a tendency to blind people for their hotness.
As he usually does, Mike Zimmer opened his press conference with a statement (Note, this press conference happened yesterday):
What Zim Tzu said: Okay, we’re trying to get ready for a very, very good Rams team. We have practice today and we’re leaving this evening. We’re going to try and get [to Los Angeles] and practice tomorrow. This is a really good football team; they have the Defensive Player of the Year, Offensive Player of the Year, and Coach of the Year, so we’ll have to go out there and play very well to win this game.
What Zim Tzu meant: Well that was a fuckin’ disaster, wasn’t it? This team played flatter than Kyrie Irving thinks the Earth is on Sunday, and now we have to go face the New Best Team in the West. On a Short Week. Because why the hell not. Oh, and they’ve only gotten better since we kicked their asses last season, and it certainly seems like we’ve gotten worse since then. But who knows, maybe that fucker on their sidelines is still feeding that shlub under center his feeds and maybe this defense can pull something out of their asses.
Q: Is football important when it comes to Everson [Griffen] right now? Are you worried about his well-being?
What Zim Tzu said: The only thing we’re concerned about with Everson doesn’t have anything to do with football, it’s about him getting better. In the five years I’ve been here, I’ve always loved Everson and the effort he puts out, the work he does, the ability to count on him in games and in practices, so he’s always been a good model for us and obviously he’s going through some tough times now.
What Zim Tzu meant: What the fuck else can happen to this team while I’m in charge? I mean, we’ve literally almost had a player’s leg fall off, I lost my best running back for a year due to legal and league issues, my offensive line all died one year, and I’ve been cycling through quarterbacks like heroin addicts cycle through dealers. Of COURSE one of my captains needs to have a mental health evaluation. Guess I should be glad that I wasn’t around when the ceiling fell in on that old piece of shit stadium, though I suppose the new one could always catch fire if one of those birds those guys were worried about fall into the glass and the glass decides to microwave the field.
Q: When did you know [Griffen] was out of sorts? Do you hope to see him soon?
What Zim Tzu said: I’m not going to talk about things we talk about internally. Again, I just hope for the best for him. In the long run, he’s a good kid. I hope to see him every day, but this isn’t about football [anymore].
What Zim Tzu meant: All right you fuckers, one more person asks me a question I don’t like about Griff, I’m going Melissa McCarthy on your asses and throwing this podium right through you.
Q: Do you think the [Everson Griffen] situation affected your football team’s focus on Sunday?
What Zim Tzu said: I don’t think so, we [just] didn’t play good. I’m not one to sit up here and make excuses about things. A lot of things go on with a lot of teams. Like we’ve said all along, it’s all about how you handle it, prepare and play and so I’ll never use it as an excuse.
What Zim Tzu meant: I’ll kill any of you sons of bitches who lets it out of the room, but what else would explain that disgraceful display on Sunday? I mean, it was Buffalo for fuck’s sakes, not the goddamn Monstars. We damn well better find a supply of that “Michael’s Juice” before we hit the field against L.A. this afternoon because if we don’t, I’m making these sons of bitches walk home.
Q: What is the biggest challenge the Rams offense will present?
What Zim Tzu said: They’ve got great receivers. Cooks is a dynamic receiver, Cupp is really good, Woods looks fast and even better than a year ago. Obviously Gurley is a hard-running back with great speed to get to the perimeter, and their offensive line does a nice job. Like I said earlier on a conference call, Goff took a big jump from his first year to his second year, and I think he’s taken another big jump in his third year. He’s moving well in the pocket, seems under control of their no-huddle offense, and getting into and out of plays, so it’ll be a great test for us.
What Zim Tzu meant: Yeah, you know how everyone was bragging about how good our offense was going to be before this season? Yeah, think like that, but only with an offensive line. That’s what we’re facing tonight. Fuckers.
Q: Did you watch a lot of last year’s tape when you played the Rams? You guys played well against them.
What Zim Tzu said: We have cutups on teams and that game was in our cutups. We went back and watched what they tried to do to us moreso than what we tried to do to them. They took the ball right down the field and scored on the first drive against us last year, and then we were able to do some better things after that. When you are playing a team that can run and throw the ball like they can, have big plays, have all these different receivers that are big-play guys, it makes it challenging.
What Zim Tzu meant: You’re goddamn right we put on last year’s tape. Hell I have that game’s tape on a permanent loop in my bedroom. You know, to help me fall asleep. Nothing like proving to the rest of the world that those sons of bitches aren’t as good as everyone thought they were. If it happens again tonight, I may never sleep again.
Q: What does Suh add to their defensive line?
What Zim Tzu said: Their front guys, Donald, Suh, and Brockers, they’re ‘get going up the field’ guys. Suh is explosive, powerful, knows how to get to the quarterback, and then Donald is quick side-to-side and then uses power, so yeah, it makes it difficult. Their linebackers are fast. They have two good safeties. Their corners are really good, but if they don’t play, Shields is a good player and [Nickell Robey-Coleman] is another good player.
What Zim Tzu meant: For fucks sakes, if our offensive line hasn’t learned how to block again before tonight’s game, Kirk could very well be leaving this game in a body bag. Thank the good Lord that the only good part of L.A.’s defense that is fully healthy right now is their defensive line, because if we also had to deal with those corners, I think we’d be playing to see how long it takes us to cross the 50-yard line again. Fuckers.
Q: What if anything can Kirk do to cut down on fumbles?
What Zim Tzu said: We work on that all the time, it’s securing the football with two hands. On the first fumble last week, he was trying to come up in the pocket and the guy caught him from behind and the ball was [away from his body] and he punched it out. We’re working on it all the time, not just with him, we try and work on it with all the quarterbacks, but obviously he’s holding the ball the most so we try and work on that a lot with him.
What Zim Tzu meant: Kirk, I love you man, but if you fumble even once this game I swear I will personally cut your hands off and use them as boxing gloves to teach the corners how to play coverage. HOLD ON TO THE DAMN BALL JACKASS.
Q: You’ve talked about pass rush discipline in the past. How did you think that was on Sunday and how does the ability of teams to extend plays stress the defense?
What Zim Tzu said: It really stresses the defense when a guy can run and you saw that a couple times. [Allen] scrambled for a touchdown, he scrambled for a first down and there was another situation, I think he scrambled to throw one time. You have to be careful. One time the QB went out of the pocket, another time he came up and through the pocket, and we stressed that more this week than we probably should have done. We should have done more and I have to take responsibility for that.
What Zim Tzu meant: WHEN I SAY KEEP THE DAMN QUARTERBACK IN THE POCKET, YOU KEEP THE DAMN QUARTERBACK IN THE POCKET. Fuckers.
Q: It’s one thing to play on Thursday Night, but how tough is it to play a team two time zones away on the road on Thursday Night?
What Zim Tzu said: It’s a problem. We haven’t had a home game on a short week in the five years I’ve been here, but it is what it is. We go out and play the schedule however they do it. I know the statistics about going to the West Coast on a short week and all that, so part of the reason we’re going out tonight [Tuesday] is because we did a study on preparing for a game on a short week and all those things and that’s why we’re leaving tonight after practice.
What Zim Tzu meant: Hey you scheduling sons of bitches, can a team get a home game on Thursday night just ONCE? I mean, for fuck’s sakes, how likely is it that we’re on the road for every fucking one of our short-week games while I’m here? About as likely as a man actually deserving to wear a large condom, that’s how. Fuckers.
Alright you sons of bitches, let’s go out there, hope our fans outnumber the Rams to make it seem more like a home game, and prove that Week three was just a damn fluke.
See you next week.